At an impasse and my heart is breaking

[chanlol]

Hi,

Just looking for some honest abuse. Me and my partner are both 27. I met him whilst he was on a school exchange program. He is from America.

After a year or so, I was getting bored of England and agreed to move there.

We have a wonderful life. A nice apartment. A cat. I earn good money here. So does he. He loves America and whilst he likes visiting England, he doesn't want to live there.

Problem is, I'm getting so weary of my life here. I wake up and I'm not excited. That spark is gone. I've torn myself apart and put myself together to fit in this world. But I'm thinking about my future and having kids away from my family and it's putting things into perspective.

We've spoken about it and he doesn't want to move. But I miss my family so much. Each time I visit, I come back a wreck and it takes literally a couple of months before I can get out of the depression.

He knows but we've ignored it for so long. We've been dating for 6 years and it feels like I'm throwing the love of my life away.

Am I dumb for trying to make this work? I've lived here for over 4 years now. But when I wake up, I just feel exhausted. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't have hobbies. I don't think I recognised this until I realised I do want children, just not here.

So I'm at an impasse. We've spoken about it, fought over it and cried over it. But he doesn't want to live where I want to. At least not right now.

I'm jealous when we spend so much time with his family. When he goes out with his parents, it makes me envious. I don't want to resent him, because I'm in love with him.

The issue is now that he's started making comments. I think it's underlying because he's worried he will lose me. He makes comments about England in an almost spiteful way, he gets upset if my family visit over little things but never admits and still wants me to spend time with him as much as possible when they visit. The trips with my family are exhausting because of this. Recently, my family visited and the same day we had a (milder) home emergency (like, the power went out level, not someone got injured level.). I refused to cancel my planned day out, and he left me a voicemail which was actually rather nasty. He apologised profusely, but the anger shocked me and left me quite overwhelmed. I know there's a reason for this anger and its insecurity. But it worries me because if it wasn't this, would it be something else? Do I excuse behaviour which is so recent and so isolated?

I don't know what to do.

Just remember that you are always wrong in his eyes. If he makes compromises now to suck you back into the relationship, the punishment in the future is going to be nasty.

Don't go to relationship counselling with an abusive person. He doesn't want to change, he wants to identify your weaknesses so that he can control you better. If he's charming and persuasive he might even win over the counsellor and you will be left feeling in the wrong for wanting to put yourself first at least some of the time.

I already thought you should start making plans to return, then read this and think you should run home.
The issue is now that he's started making comments. I think it's underlying because he's worried he will lose me. He makes comments about England in an almost spiteful way, he gets upset if my family visit over little things but never admits and still wants me to spend time with him as much as possible when they visit. The trips with my family are exhausting because of this. Recently, my family visited and the same day we had a (milder) home emergency (like, the power went out level, not someone got injured level.). I refused to cancel my planned day out, and he left me a voicemail which was actually rather nasty.

FWIW, my sister lives in the US and when I visit, her husband encourages us spending as much time together as possible, as he's aware of the impact of her family being the other side of the ocean. My sister and I go away for the weekend, go for dinner with/without her friends, go shopping, he takes us out, he goes away with his friends etc. What he doesn't do, is to try to bar us having time together.
That is controlling behaviour, and tends to get worse over time.
Please leave 💐.

I don't intend to go back. I'm just waiting for my heart to catch up with my head. Being alone feels very weird now, and despite everything, I've still lost my best friend. (I know the dynamic is messed up though and that it's not normal treatment.)

My family are supportive, but they can't just drop everything to visit from thousand of miles away.

It's just weird to both miss someone and want to be around them but also, at the same time, recognise that the other 5% was not normal treatment.

And the promises to change out of love for me- they sound convincing, but of course I've heard people say that before.

I've been reading about cognitive dissonance, which I assume is what I am experiencing. A lot of my thoughts about the relationship I'm missing are actually the earlier days, which is before we had issues. And every day, I am remembering another 'fight.'
He got annoyed with me pretty easily. Like one time we were putting up a tent and he got frustrated because I had to hold the tent pole a certain way for it to be hammered in and it ended in me getting told I wasn't doing it properly as I was not holding it right, a bit of a strop and me being told to let him do it alone. What should have been a joint activity for camping ended in me feeling a bit pathetic. And the whole time, he wouldn't let me see the tent manual for how it was supposed to go up, which really annoyed me!
I'm just venting a lot. Another part of me feels like if I keep writing down 'evidence', it makes me feel better about my decision to leave. I know I'm being smart by leaving, but it doesn't mean I don't have doubts. In some ways, he was wonderful, but also the whole of the rest of this thread exists at the same time.
I miss the connection we had and I am scared I won't find something like that again, although not all of it was healthy, or normal.

Mourning the death of a relationship is perfectly normal and not something you can hurry. Take your time.

Btw you will come out the other side stronger with a better idea of what a loving equal relationship should feel like. Just don't make the mistake of going for the same type next time. Good luck with everything especially your uni course.

Your definitely doing the right thing by ending the relationship..Imagine having children and if your relationship broke down , you couldn't just up and move back to England..Believe me relationships can get alot worse when you end up having children.. You are very brave xx

Of course he had good points and you will miss those. But, remember the whole picture, because if you go back you will be quickly reminded of it. I left my first marriage at about your age. My heart was broken and it took a long time to mend. It takes lots of time to disassociate from the relationship and to gain an objective perspective of that relationship. Trust your gut, it will lead you home. It hurts now, but, it won't forever and there is a greater happiness ahead.

@chanlol i was in a 4 year relationship in my 20s where it sounds like a similar dynamic. What kept me in the relationship was my belief that our deep connection couldn’t be found elsewhere. We broke up once or twice and I found myself so sad and heartbroken it felt easier to just get back together. What I see now is that wasn’t love, it was codependency. I was single for a few years and then I met my now DH of 15 years. He has a lot of the qualities I valued in my ex but by contrast he is securely attached (so has never played mind games), loving, kind, wants the best for me and works hard to ensure I am happy every day. Deep connection can be found with others - you will find it again and now you know what you are NOT looking for you have every chance of finding a partner who doesn’t need to play games or put you down in order to feel good about themselves. There really is no comparison! 💐

@songbird54 Thank you! The more I think about it, the more concerned I am at the mind games. Ignoring me when mad over any little thing is a way to impact my time with my family, make me feel insecure and then create this anxiety to result in me then wanting to patch it up. Sometimes I tried waiting it out and not being the first to apologise, but I always ended up feeling guilty.

I'd be hanging out with my family and checking my phone, replying to texts etc. If he went "funny" it would completely ruin my time with them and I'd up reaching out and placating. It's not a healthy dynamic.

I'm happy to hear you met someone good for you! I know the initial days after are hard. I do feel a bit stronger today.

We're still talking occasionally because I have some belongings there still which I will get out asap. However, he is still offering to change and saying the relationship will be different. He hasn't gotten funny about my stuff and I do truly believe he loves me and cares for me- I don't feel unsafe but obviously I'm still bearing in mind that the situation can turn.

He's not being funny yer because he hopes to lure you back. He'll change when he realises he won't.

Bring someone with you when you're picking up your stuff. He might not be dangerous but at the very least he's going to try to talk you into staying and you already know that he is very emotionally manipulative.

This. Be prepared for all kinds of manipulation - that is a lot harder to do with another person present. Even if it's not someone you know so well, ask a favour. I would do this for someone who needed it.

I have a feeling you've saved yourself a lot of future heartbreak.
If you'd had children with him, he would have had much more control over you.

Well done and stay strong.
I agree with taking someone with you when you collect your belongings.

OP, study the cycle of abuse. It goes in tension-building phase, where he gets at you all the time, then there's a bust-up, then there's the honeymoon phase, which is what you're in right now. My exh was just the same.

https://www.healthline.com/health/relationships/cycle-of-abuse

The link below contains the Power and Control Wheel
https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/

Please read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft and If He's So Great, Why Do I Feel So Bad? Recognizing and Overcoming Subtle Abuse by Avery Neal.

Abusers are uncannily similar to each other. They all think that women are inferior, they all think that their female partner is a possession and that he is superior simply by virtue of being a man, and they all create these cycles.

If you don't recognise the cycle of abuse for what it is, you might get stuck in the quicksand that is this relationship for decades.

Abusive relationships "work" by mixing truly lovely parts with all the crap. After all, if they were horrible all the time, it would be extremely easy to leave!

You have to judge your relationship by the abusive times, not the time when he puts on the honey voice and tries to get you to come back so he can kick you again once you've dropped your guard.

And make NO mistake, I want to reiterate: Men abuse women because they think women are inferior. Does he "jokingly" say things against women? My ex did, all the time. Jokes....they weren't jokes. He wanted me to be slim, he wanted me to wear skirts...and he was a deeply insecure, narcissistic individual. Honestly, OP, these people's minds are a twisted mess. Find the strength to break free for good, and don't listen to the enticement. He's like the wolf pretending to be Red Riding Hood's grandma when he's in this stage.

I moved to the States for mine, too - I'm still there - and when my family would come over, he completely destroyed it, including when my dad paid for the whole family to come over as a surprise. In fact, that's the visit he acted the worst. He ruined it.

I've been there, and I can tell you that it doesn't get any better.

Thanks again for the advice. I keep looking through old texts- and I feel even dumber now! I've found messages from him getting annoyed because I decided to stay at a drop in hour after my university course and him saying "he comes second." I'm pretty sure on that occasion that I left the drop in session early and ran home.

I keep re reading this thread. It is very helpful.

Stay strong OP. Despite his promises of change, any actual change will likely be short lived as this is who he is.

And don't feel dumb. This type of control is insidious and can creep up on anyone.

Don’t feel foolish about this. When it’s little things here and there it isn’t easy to notice how they are controlling you.

You’ve done the right thing getting out. You can make the absolute most of all those opportunities at university now and beyond without worrying about him moaning about it.

💐

OP, you thread is terrifying to read.
You were in a hugely controlling abusive and manipulative relationship.

Which would be a horror story if you married and had children.

He is a house terrorist and a deeply abnormal man.

His control would only get worse.

Two books for you to read.
"Women who love too much"
"Why does he do that?".

He would only isolate you more and more from family and friends.

Ignore him promising to change and do anything fot you. He can't.

Be careful of him threatening to self harm etc...just more abuse of you.

This is a really bad man.
Get away safely from him.

Thank you for the suggested reads. It is very telling to have your reality called "scary", when to me, at the time, it seemed like personality faults that could be fixed.

I won't be going back, and I'm safe. I have somewhere to stay, my own money and my important possessions. I can't get back time, but I can move forward and be strong!

Just thought I'd give an update, if anyone is interested.

Did not go back!! Considered it at times, but my gut feeling was run as soon as the initial breakup conversation occurred. He has tried to poison mutual friends against me and has told them I'm just some typical woman who wouldn't let things go and brought things up from the past and just wanted an 'easy' relationship. I told mutual friends who matter to me the truth, and anyone else, I don't care about. If they believe my ex over me, that says more about them than it does about me. I was genuinely going to leave mutual friends out of it, but I couldn't have that.

He contacted me a few times after over dumb stuff. We were re-doing a classic car together (his car, not mine) and we had a Facebook page for the progress under my amount. I deleted it and he messaged me and asked why I deleted it, which just felt petty and like he wanted to control something else. Every other element of our interactions felt controlling. I wanted to pick up some kitchen equipment I left and asked him to be out the house or give it to a friend; he said he'd prefer to "talk one last time for closure" and was going on about how he'd done his best to make it easy for me and that the conversation would be the "last thing he asked of me."

So I went fully no contact, and to hell with the kitchen equipment. I don't care enough! He can have it.

All in all, compared to a month ago, I am surprised at how well I am doing. Autonomy feels wonderful. Choices feel amazing. I'm definitely going to stay single for a long while, however!

@chanlol

I'm so glad to hear your update. And yes, no kitchen equipment is worth your safety, your well-being, and your peace of mind. As a friend of mine said when she walked out with virtually nothing; "It's stuff. I can always get more stuff".

Doesn't autonomy feel wonderful? After I kicked my abusive exH out the first thing I did 'on my own' was to buy some fancy hair barrettes (this was back in the disco '70s). He always had to 'give permission' for anything I bought so I stood looking at them but actually had to pluck up my courage to actually toss them in my basket. Once the purchase was completed I felt such a 'lightness' in my spirit, my 'self'. Enjoy and celebrate every little decision you make on your own, even if it's only choosing one candy bar over another one.

I agree with staying single. First because you need to rest and 'regroup'. Second because this needs to be a time of very gentle 'self examination'. And if you find things about yourself that you want to change, get counseling to do just that.

Onwards and upwards, life will be beautiful!

@AcrossthePond55

Thank you! I'm glad you got out of that, and I agree, every little decision is to be celebrated. Even going shopping and not having to buy the 'right' ingredients is wonderful. No strops because I bought the wrong chocolate. Even his shopping lists would specify 'nice x' or 'gourmet y.'

I am actually seeing a counsellor already. I booked it as soon as I left. I think a) to examine why I felt like some things were my fault, and b) just to ensure I can identify aspects of a healthy relationship.

I don't expect life to be perfect, but I will worry everyday problems over having my autonomy taken and feeling lost!

@chanlol what an awesome update. I'm so very relieved!

27!! You have a wonderful life ahead and have gained wisdom and insight from this situation.

You have definitely made the right decision by leaving. I bet your Mam and Dad are secretly delighted 💙

So delighted with this update.
You are so young and have the possibility of a wonderful future, but choosing well in a partner is a critical choice in happiness if you want to be with someone.

The wrong person can really ruin this one precious life you have if given that power.

You need to decompress from this and take that long break to figure out how and why you accepted this awful man?

Reading can be a huge part of this.
I suspect the "boiled frog analogy" applies here, google it and "the shark cage analogy" and the "sunken cost fallacy" too.

"The gift of fear" by gavin deBecker would be a good read to help you turn on that gut instinct you have.

This is a really bad man, a controlling, isolating, house terrorist that would have ended your relationship with your family if you married and had children.

If you had children with him he could prevent you leaving the country and control your location until they were adults.
Scary shit.

I am so delighted that you are feeling joy and relief again.
We are here for you anytime.
Stay safe.