Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hubby brought up the "body count" question. Should I lie? After years, I don't know what's worse?!

167 replies

AthenaGals01 · 31/12/2024 00:21

As title, I'm not ashamed but I have no idea anymore these days what counts as "high", fear I am even though with him a while (faithfully)! Don't know how to respond? What have you all said?

OP posts:
RainbowSquare · 01/01/2025 00:21

Bit late for a DH to be asking now. If he's married the local bike whats he gonna do.

StarlightLady · 01/01/2025 00:24

RainbowSquare · 01/01/2025 00:21

Bit late for a DH to be asking now. If he's married the local bike whats he gonna do.

Hopefully be more respectful than to describe a woman as “a local bike”. For every heterosexual woman with her knickers down, there is a bloke with his pants off.

Ayechinnyreckon · 01/01/2025 00:55

Your HUSBAND brought this up?

Did you go on "married at first sight" or something?

How has this only just come up?

Just tell him. Or don't. But just don't lie!

ThreeLocusts · 01/01/2025 01:09

Odd story - I was asked about nr. of sexual partners in preparation for giving birth, in a Catholic-run hospital in upstate New York. No idea why it should matter but didn't have the presence of mind to ask.

I had to tot up the nr there and then, and my DH had one of his less fine moments by pretending to be shocked at the total. The amount of judgment attached to this figure is enough to dispel all illusions about gender equality.

I wouldn't mind telling a partner, but why the hell is he asking now? Would make me wonder if he is thinking of adding to his total.

daisychain01 · 01/01/2025 07:53

Sorry duplicate post

daisychain01 · 01/01/2025 07:54

AmberOrca · 31/12/2024 09:42

I am really not being inflammatory here, so please don’t take it that way but those of you who wouldn’t tell your partner, why is that?
I know you are going to say it’s not their business but is there more to it?
I cannot see a world in which someone’s sexual history wouldn’t be a factor in whether I slept with them. If they had engaged in risky sexual behaviours I wouldn’t want to sleep with them.
I suppose you can argue once you have slept with them my argument becomes irrelevant and that is a fair point.
However, at the beginning of the relationship why wouldn’t you discuss it if a potential partner wanted to?

Whilst I agree with you that sexual history is an important deciding factor, it didn't become a topic of conversation for me and DH in any direct sense.

We talked about relationships we'd each had, and our attitudes, background, upbringing, all the things that when put together gave us a clear understanding about who we were in the relationship with.

We invested time to get to know each other and to some extent, yes we took a chance by not overtly disclosing the actual "count". neither of us knows the exact number to this day, but we know a bit about previous relationships just in passing. The fact DH referred to previous partners by name as people, I see as respectful and magnanimous even though they split up years ago. They aren't notches on his bedpost.

One thing that stood out in our early conversations was our shared attitude to fidelity, the tangible sign of that was us ceremonially dereg'd from the OLD platform sitting at DHs computer on a Sunday afternoon after we decided to "go exclusive". That told me what I needed to know about who DH was, what his values were and what he cared about in life, him taking our relationship seriously - far more than quizzing him on how many people he'd slept with!

FeelinTwentySixPointTwo · 01/01/2025 07:57

I genuinely don't know. Surely I can't be the only one.
It's not loads (somewhere around 20 I imagine?) but I've never stopped to tot it up. So I've never told my husband because a) he hasn't asked and b) I couldn't be sure of the answer even if he did.

daisychain01 · 01/01/2025 08:00

What stands out for me is the timing of the DHs body count question.

Why ask after so many years?

What does he want to achieve?

How is it going to change anything?

That ship sailed a long time ago, they are where they are

It makes him sound like he's trying to get at the OP for actions and decisions of years ago which is either dumb, or misogynistic and yes Andrew Tate definitely springs to mind. If he's following AT I'd judge the DH massively for his lack of intellect and inability for critical thinking. AT is a knucklehead

Pumpkinpie1 · 01/01/2025 08:00

Body count - does he think you are “ Dexter “
Tell him be careful or he will joint the naughty list !
He’s an idiot x

AhBiscuits · 01/01/2025 08:02

My DH has never asked and I wouldn't tell him if he did. It's none of his business. I have never asked him because I genuinely don't give a shit.

HelmholtzWatson · 01/01/2025 08:23

it's not an unreasonable question as # of lifetime partners is one of the strongest predictors of likelihood of being unfaithful.

However, why he waited till you were married before bringing this up is weird. Given the above, it's probably the kind of information you'd want before making a long-term commitment.

That said, you shouldn't lie about it.

heroinechic · 01/01/2025 10:13

@HelmholtzWatson "it's not an unreasonable question as # of lifetime partners is one of the strongest predictors of likelihood of being unfaithful."

That's pretty spurious. If you look up predicators of being unfaithful this rarely appears unless you search directly for it, and even then, the studies disagree (some find women with more sexual partners to be less likely to be unfaithful, whereas some find them to be more likely).

You mainly find things like: history of being cheated on or cheating, attachment styles, level of education, attitude towards religion, attitude towards sex (which is not the same as levels of promiscuity though could be linked), attractiveness etc. and to be honest, all of these studies come to different conclusions, and all rely on people making admissions themselves.

Marineboy67 · 01/01/2025 13:29

Personally I don't think it's a question you should be asking . After being in a 24 year relationship that came to end I stayed single for a couple of years but went on quite a lot of Internet dates. Mostly because of being lonely and living in a bedsit after a fairly nice lifestyle. I was surprised by how many women actually asked me the 'body count' question. Mine was really low at the age of 44 being just 3. It was interesting to see the women's reaction and response to this. From being asked if I was I was gay or if I actually enjoyed sex. One woman just laughed and said she wanted a man that knew what he was doing in the bedroom and couldn't possibly be with someone so inexperienced. It's a damned if do, damned if you don't answer type of question. There is no right answer, your going to be judged either way. My way of looking at it is if you like somebody it's their tomorrow's you should be interested in not their yesterday's. In an established relationship no good can come from asking the question other than feeding in to one's insecurities.

HelmholtzWatson · 02/01/2025 05:08

heroinechic · 01/01/2025 10:13

@HelmholtzWatson "it's not an unreasonable question as # of lifetime partners is one of the strongest predictors of likelihood of being unfaithful."

That's pretty spurious. If you look up predicators of being unfaithful this rarely appears unless you search directly for it, and even then, the studies disagree (some find women with more sexual partners to be less likely to be unfaithful, whereas some find them to be more likely).

You mainly find things like: history of being cheated on or cheating, attachment styles, level of education, attitude towards religion, attitude towards sex (which is not the same as levels of promiscuity though could be linked), attractiveness etc. and to be honest, all of these studies come to different conclusions, and all rely on people making admissions themselves.

You can also add relationship with alcohol and drugs, personality type, poor mental health and neurodivergence (particularly ADHD) to the list. So yes, there are a lot of factors that predict cheating, and on an individual rather than group level previous sexual partners may have zero influence on a person's decision.

Nonetheless, previous sexual partners, given this variable itself is correlated with many important traits is useful information to have and can predict the likelihood of cheating as well as many other potentially undesirable traits and behaviours. Therefore it's quite rational to want to have this information.

ohyesido · 02/01/2025 05:20

This question phrased like this is a red flag. It insinuates that having a higher number of previous partners is somehow a negative thing
If you haven't slept with 100 people in one day, and you are not carrying untreated STIs then why would it matter

ohyesido · 02/01/2025 05:22

Also if a man lives and respects their partner then the number wouldn't change that

If he doesn't it will be used to make the partner lose their self respect.

AlertCat · 02/01/2025 07:04

IME men are more prone to sexual jealousy, so if you haven’t had this conversation before you got married I would be wondering why it’s come up now. And as pp have said, the way in which it’s being asked would also inform how I answered.
possibly something like “obviously I was a virgin when we met, darling”.

Maddy70 · 02/01/2025 08:40

Three millions and twelvety

Repeat

sunflowersngunpowdr · 02/01/2025 11:41

I was promiscuous when I was younger and I am ashamed of it. I didn't enjoy any of it, I didn't cum with any of them and I didn't love or even like most of them. I was insecure. Came from a fatherless home. Looking for love in all the wrong places etc. It's not a crazy high number as luckily I woke up to my self destructive behaviour and went full celibate for a long time. I

I think it's different if you have slept with lots of men because you truly enjoy sex. My husband has never asked me nor I him but if he did I would probably just wink at him and say more than 1, less than 10 and say no more. The way I see it those questions are for the start of a relationship, no point in asking when you are already married. My past is firmly in the past and I wouldn't care to drag up painful old memories.

Deathraystare · 03/01/2025 06:55

Also, whenever you mention an ex in any way, the new one is counting off on his fingers!

louderthan · 03/01/2025 07:24

'Somewhere between 50 and 100. You know how one of the things you like about me is that I'm really good in bed? It's because I've had a lot of practice.'

OrlandointheWilderness · 03/01/2025 07:37

Bloody mad that he has asked, my DP wouldn't dream of it, just as I wouldn't dream of asking him! It's none of my business what he got up too before me - I suspect it's a fair bit lower than mine but who actually cares?!

chattyness · 03/01/2025 08:00

As long as it's not part of your shared history, it's irrelevant, he should respect your privacy here and mind his business.

AlwaysRight1985 · 03/01/2025 14:25

I'm 39 and no one has ever asked my body count (other than sad little incels who take offence to be being an outspoken female online of course). I've never asked anyone about theirs either. Reason being - I simply don't care. As long as I'm the only person they're sleeping with at the time (easier said than done for my ex!)

I never kept count anyway so I couldn't really answer the question. If I had to guess I'd say it's around 150 - yes a combination of growing up in the ladette years, mental health issues and undiagnosed autism 😂never had an STD, never had an accidental pregnancy, and if a man wants to run a mile because of a misspent youth chasing what I confused for love then that says more about him...

StrawberryDream24 · 03/01/2025 22:04

HelmholtzWatson · 01/01/2025 08:23

it's not an unreasonable question as # of lifetime partners is one of the strongest predictors of likelihood of being unfaithful.

However, why he waited till you were married before bringing this up is weird. Given the above, it's probably the kind of information you'd want before making a long-term commitment.

That said, you shouldn't lie about it.

I had a work colleague who boasted about being his girlfriend's first (alongside boasting about her massive tits) ....... She ended up shagging her boss behind his back.