Hubby brought up the "body count" question. Should I lie? After years, I don't know what's worse?!

[AthenaGals01]

As title, I'm not ashamed but I have no idea anymore these days what counts as "high", fear I am even though with him a while (faithfully)! Don't know how to respond? What have you all said?

I think discussing relationship history is a fine and fair expectation.

Body count is private, be that whether you're married, together for ages, three kids in or living on the moon together. Your "body count" is your business and remains private.

Why do you think he has a right to that information?

Answer = he doesn't have any right whatsoever so don't avoid it, or dodge it, just tell him it isn't a topic for debate thank you so let's move on.

ETA - be aware OP that your "hubby" even talking about this is the hallmark of deep insecurity and instruction so I'd be more worried about that, than the actual question.

I love that quote from Four Weddings and a Funeral !

I actually think it is an important question though not phrased as body count - that’s a horrible phrase.
It is a conversation to be had much nearer the start of a relationship.
I don’t know if you remember an advert where a couple were lying in bed but lined up behind them were all the people they’d slept with before- I think the idea was that unprotected sex exposes you to infection from everyone that person has ever had unprotected sex with.
Anyway, that advert really affected me and my choices - although being really quite young I didn’t think through that protected sex is ok.
We married quite young so we both have single figure count it on one hand numbers - I still find it a bit uncomfortable thanks to that advert.

“Are you seriously asking how many men I fcked before I met you? You haven’t needed to know in all these years, so I fail to see why you need to know now. I’ll tell you how many men I’ve fcked since I met you. It’s one - you. That’s all that matters”.

He needs to get off the Internet and make more productive use of his time. Watching misogynistic content is not going to improve his life, rather the opposite.

It's none of his business. Unless you were together at the time, it has nothing to do with him. Just as you exist as a person in your own right within the relationship, you did so before.

I've always had this conversation with people before I was married and had no issue with it, I think people are just more curious than anything else. If it was really going to bother him then he'd have asked long ago wouldn't he.

It's always made to be a huge deal or nobody else's business on here, the reply has always been the same - but I wouldn't be impressed with a man who wouldn't discuss it. I like open and honest, warts and all. I'm happy with my number so I wouldn't care if anyone else wasn't - they can't change it! I've been out with people who were virgins and others that have been all through the phone book in the number of people they've slept with.

People on here are generally very secretive though I find and seem to think that pretty much everything is 'no one else's business'.

Me too! It was a very important question for me as we'd really had it drummed into us during a talk at high school about how 'if you sleep with one person, you're exposed to all the people they have slept with before you.' Complete with diagrams. As it turns out, me and DH were both only together anyway, so it wasn't an issue. I'd still only want a man with a very low count (if I was to be dating again) as a health choice for me.

Yeah I’d have just answered and moved on with my day.

I honestly don’t think it’s invasive, insulting or even that deep.

Do the American Pie logic. Divide your number by 3 😂

But seriously, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you’re with one person now

I agree re serial killer connotations using term 'body count'. Why bring this up? You are faithful to him, so surely that is all that matters I would not discuss it.

Why not just tell him? Weird concept but telling the truth is often helpful.

“Body count” is a horrible phrase. Seriously, just utterly grim.

I wouldn’t assume it’s a sinister or sexist question in the context of an established relationship, maybe just interest? You don’t need to tell him.

The phrase “body count” is very common amongst young people, I wouldn’t necessarily assume Andrew Tate type motives because of that either.

I know young uns use this term, but it's still vile.

Tell him it's only a relevant question if he's engaging the services of the Jackal.

Seriously, this seems to be more of a Thing now than when I was young (which is some time ago) It is misogynistic crap and noone is owed an answer.

Bloody hell what a lot of drama on this thread. Someone actually advised that OP should leave her husband of several years because he asked this singular question 🤣

OP, you've not given much in the way of detail. There's a BIG difference between, say, watching a film together where a couple discusses sexual histories and your husband saying "go on then, what's your number?" and your husband aggressively grilling you because he's become radicalised by Andrew Tate and thinks your value as a human being is linked directly to how many men you've slept with.

I don't think it's inherently misogynistic for him to ask. Maybe he's just a nosey bugger and it's idle curiosity. Unless he has become radicalised, it seems unlikely that he'd suddenly remember after X years of marriage "oh shit, I was meant to find out how many blokes she's shagged so I know if she's virtuous enough for me". If it actually mattered to him surely he'd have been pressuring you for an answer to this years and years ago.

Anyway, even if it is idle curiosity you can just decline to answer. Just say "I don't think it's relevant and there's nothing to be gained from discussing it so let's not go there". And if he's a decent bloke he'll just say "sure no problem 👍". Which is exactly how it went with my husband donkeys years ago. Zero drama required.

Why now? I'd just say how many it's not for him to judge. Or if you're not comfortable talking about it say so.

"None. Yet to kill anyone"
"Wow. It is 2024. Are we really still doing this? I cant believe this is still a thing"

Was it accusatory question? Or did you watch a film related to this and he asked?

God what an awful phrase

Just point out that no one with half a brain could think it mattered, so why would he ask.

More importantly, if there’s anymore evidence he’s following Andrew Tate, he’ll be sleeping in the shed.

People are reacting strongly because of Andrew Tate’s body count obsession.

The fact the OP’s husband used this phrase would indicate he picked it up there, or from some idiotic follower.

That’s because until recently it was exclusively used in relation to counting the dead after any kind of terrible mass event.

To use a phrase that conjures up rows of body bags in the context of sex is so cold, devoid of emotion and dehumanising in both directions - it really jars me every time I hear it (especially from young women) and I can well believe it originates in the hatred and misogyny of the ‘men’s movement’.

Anyhow, in answer to your question, OP, @PinkArt has it. And if your OH persists, bin him. He’s showing you how he measures your worth.

Great response.

It's an awful, misogynistic phrase but it's literally all over social media and certainly not limited to AT or incel accounts at this point. This is how horrible words and phrases become part of everyday parlance - people use them because they hear them a lot without actually considering the connotations.

The phrase is gross 🤢 I still don't think it's at all proportionate to be telling a stranger to divorce their husband over asking one horribly worded question.