Loan outstanding to our son is causing weekly abuse

[Tiredtrudy]

I'm not sure if I'm being the unreasonable one here. We moved two years ago. Our adult son (now 25) was living in London. Our mortgage offer came up £20k short and he covered the shortfall with a loan (we had maxed out on the house due to our ages). Payments to be paid by us, and his terms were he wanted to move in to save for a house deposit. That was eighteen months ago. During that time I became seriously ill and will not recover. I'm the high earner. I'm waiting to be medically retired. These things are never quick as insurance doesn't want to pay.
He has paid nearly all the monthly payments as I've been unwaged but never given us any keep. He might buy the odd takeaway. Anything he pays for is recorded on a spreadsheet which I didn't know existed until recently.
The monthly payment is £400 the same as many friends charge their adult DC. He eats a lot. He earns more than his father who is in his 60s and still working to keep a roof over our heads. We also have a younger DC at home who is at a local University.
Things have come to head as he wants to buy this spring. I haven't been able to confirm if I can give him this money back then. He is now forcing us to sell our home (which we do need to due for mobility reasons). We have equity in the house to repay him and move to a smaller property.
I'm now expected to give full weekly updates on our finances and any accessible work options I might be applying for. If I don't give him this information he flys into a rage screaming at me and telling me I've ruined his life.
The payments he has made are less than 10% of his take home pay.
He had mostly a private education and I paid off his sports car finance two years ago. He's never offered to take that off 'the bill'.
My DH has told him I'm ill and when the house is sold he can have his money. It doesn't seem to be enough. My husband things he's a privileged brat.
To punish us he refused to attend a family party at the weekend. Yesterday he shouted at me for an hour. I was crying. It turns out he had promised his GF a house last year. She was going to leave him as this hasn't happened.
Due to my health I am barely able to walk. I can't just go and work in a shop or warehouse. He does stay with his GF a couple of days a week and we all breathe a sigh of relief. I'm not frightened of him but he is so nasty to me. I don't know what to do.

@Tiredtrudy

Shouting at an ill mother for an hour is just completely unacceptable.

I think you’ve partly downplayed how poorly you are on this thread, to excuse him or try to understand his behaviour.

OP says that one of the terms of him taking out the loan was to be able to live in the house while saving for a deposit. Then she says he agreed to pay £300 board? Which is it?

I do have a lot of sympathy for OP’s son though. When I was younger (and very naive) my mum convinced me to take out a payday loan in my name so she could cover a few things but was absolutely going to pay back. It didn’t get paid back and I had my first default and years of debt repayment letters and it followed me around for years.

I’m not saying this is the same but I’d imagine the son feels trapped and like he can’t move out, worried his GF is going to end things as they’ve been working to a plan he can never actually agree to, the underlying worry of his mum dying and lumbered with a huge amount of debt he thought you’d be paying and is now his.

So you funded his private education, paid off his sports car loan, and he has been living with you rent free eating your food while he regularly screams and shouts at you while you are struggling to come to terms with a life limiting illness? I think you need to send him packing OP. This isn’t the behaviour of a loving son. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he is being influenced by the girlfriend.

@MistletoeAndWine123 that makes a lot more sense than how I read it! In that case yes, I wouldn’t be surprised if this whole situation has put a massive strain in their relationship.

I think if the loan is causing the problem - then you need to try and stop the loan. Whether that's by selling something or taking out a loan elsewhere. He is acting unreasonably but its a big ask a loan like that. It would stress me out. Then once you've repaid him - you can charge him rent at market rate.

I get that you are angry and scared and frustrated.

However even if he offered - getting your child to borrow money for you was a really bad plan and one most parents really won't take unless desperate. Money and debt muddies relationship and causes problems - well known to.

Despite all your attempt to paint yourself as utterly blameless - you made bad choices prior to this though it's bad luck you are where you are.

Your DS is probably under pressure from GF - I mean 20 K in debt at 25 is a bad bet from her view point - and people round her and probably advising a deadline for her. So from that view point inheritance when he need money now is really not the issue.

You need to stop making out you are utterly blameless for everything and sit down for an adult conversation as debtor and lender with him- separate to everything else. Then have other conversations when you are landlord lodger and another as parent and child. You the older more mature adult have muddied the waters here really well - there is a lot going on emotionally and financially and he is badly like a much younger child which isn't right at all.

It reads like everyone is behaving badly and emotionally - understandable but someone needs to make it stop - and yes it sucks as the sick one here it may have to be you.

Imagine the posts if this was from the GF.

My BF of 5 years is dragging his heels on proposing and buying our first home. He’s been promising me we could live together for 2 years now but I found out 18 months ago he took out a loan for his DM who now won’t pay him back. She’s now saying she shouldn’t have to repay the full amount as she paid for his schooling when he was a child. Should I get involved in this toxic family or move on? I’m not sure I want a DH who will be this finically controlled by his family.

What absolutely terrible advice. She needs to fix the situation asap. If she’s not well enough to take any practical steps the husband needs to do it. It’s bad timing but the longer this drags on the worse it will be for everyone, and that’s without the whole question of fraud.

Sorry but I have zero sympathy for any son who thinks it’s ok to shout at their mother for an hour when they are seriously ill @CountZacular

I also think the GF sounds awful and privileged @Tiredtrudy - so if she dumps him as a result, that may be a very good thing.

Right? If it was the GF posting 'I've been with my BF for Xyrs and we've always had a plan to buy in 2025... but then my BF took on £20K of debt for his parents meaning we now can't buy until 2027'... imagine what we'd all be saying to that woman! I'm not in the least bit surprised it's affected their relationship.

The thing is though he wants to leave and buy a house and you do owe him money..
Recounting what you spent on him as a child is irrelevant.. people do not owe you money for what you spent on them as a child that's very manipulative. They also do not owe you this level of financial support.. he wants to leave. He wants to buy his own home which it sounds like he should be in a financial position to do if his money is paid back.
It sounds like you cannot afford to live in your home any more. So you should sell it and downsize. I don't think you should have borrowed money off him to buy it in the first place tbh...
I can see why he's a bit angry.
Getting ill isn't your fault and in an ideal world he'd be more sensitive and compassionate.. but it isn't his responsibility to keep the family afloat. Certainly not your other child as well. He must feel a lot of pressure.
It would be best for everyone if he left and bought his own place so yes I think you should sell your house. Not just so he can buy but also because how are you going to afford your house long term anyway??

But which will stop him get a mortgage

Also not sure I want to marry into a family so financially illiterate, especially as he supposedly "works in finance"!

I don't think anyone comes out of this story looking good. If this was on Reddit everyone would be the asshole.

I don’t condone the shouting. That is awful. But it also sounds like he’s stuck in the situation and OP (and particularly her DH) are dragging their feet to just list the house and get the ball rolling. They can’t afford the house.

What the hell did the GF do? She just wants to make it together with her long term BF but can’t because of this mess.

Shouting at someone continuously for an hour is an impressive feat, unacceptable for sure, but a real display of endurance nonetheless. I think it’s safe to say that there is some highly biased accounts coming from OP, whom somehow manages to avoid answering almost all of the pertinent questions posed by PP.

Sounds like you both have very poor and impulsive financial skills that have bit you both on the arse.

You also sound very enmeshed with poor boundaries and communication.

Why did you let the £300 a month slide?
Why can you not retro charge that for the 18 months?

Why is the house not already on the market if this situation has been going on for some time?

Why do you see it as YOUR SON FORCING YOU TO SELL YOUR HOME - instead of you rearranging your finances to clear YOUR debt?

100%

None of you come out of this well, OP.

Your son should not be shouting at you, but I can understand his frustration. He can't move on with his own life and buy his own home, because he (naively) took out a huge loan so that you could buy a house you couldn't afford. And it's put his relationship with his GF at risk, because she wants them to be able to live together in a home of their own, which is also understandable but not at all helpful.

Taking out a loan as well as a mortgage for a house purchase is a high-risk strategy, especially relatively late in life when you're probably at or near the top of your earning potential. Mortgage companies have affordability criteria for a reason and you encouraged your DS to borrow £20k because those criteria meant you couldn't afford the house you wanted.

I'm really sorry you developed significant health problems, but that's what happens as we get older. I had to reduce my working hours by 50% at 60 because of health problems that started in my 50s. Thankfully I hadn't committed myself to a costly house purchase and I'd been overpaying so that my mortgage was cleared early.

Get that house on the market asap and when it sells, clear the balance of the £20k loan. If you get a lump sum as part of your ill-health package before it's sold, clear as much of the balance of that £20k loan as you can. Make sure you're getting every penny you can in benefits, eg PIP and new-style ESA when you are no longer getting paid (get advice from CAB or other welfare rights service).

And try and build bridges with your son. It's absurd to try and count the cost of his education as part of this messy equation, I doubt if he had much say in it. And while it was kind of you to pay off his car loan, you were presumably comfortable with doing that at the time; plus you benefited from it in the short term as he probably wouldn't have been able to borrow the £20k for your house purchase if he'd still had the loan.

Am I missing something here? I would have loved the opportunity to live with parents while only paying 400 of my over 4K salary and be able to save the rest. The OP had also accommodated her son being able to save money while doing this.

Sounds like he's messed up and not saved enough for his house deposit. Effectively he's been living with the OP for £400 a month which is a tiny proportion of his salary.
I can't understand why the OP and her DH are standing for this appalling behaviour. He sounds like an entitled spoilt brat.

It sounds to me that as a family you’ve done well financially and would probably describe yourselves as ‘comfortably off’, just needing a tiny little bit of help with that twenty grand.

And your over-confident son talked you into buying something just outside your means, presented a deal, and reckoned he’d be able to save a large deposit by only chipping in £300 pcm for lodgings on this favourable term.

He assumed the £400 would be money in/money out and would show he could service a mortgage. Plus he must be saving a hefty deposit. He’s very well paid at a very young age and is inexperienced at evaluating risk.

And it all fell apart due to your unforeseen illness, which I’m very sorry to hear about. I honestly think you should get someone to mediate within the family as you’ve now got the three adults embroiled in this financial hole with consequences you didn’t plan for, but you need to get sorted promptly. Can you take a mortgage holiday; have you critical illness cover?

Yes, the fact that he has an unsecured loan of 20k (plus interest) in his name.

Why? Because OP is determined to be the victim in the story, and is therefore unable to take accountability for any of this mess.