Loan outstanding to our son is causing weekly abuse

[Tiredtrudy]

I'm not sure if I'm being the unreasonable one here. We moved two years ago. Our adult son (now 25) was living in London. Our mortgage offer came up £20k short and he covered the shortfall with a loan (we had maxed out on the house due to our ages). Payments to be paid by us, and his terms were he wanted to move in to save for a house deposit. That was eighteen months ago. During that time I became seriously ill and will not recover. I'm the high earner. I'm waiting to be medically retired. These things are never quick as insurance doesn't want to pay.
He has paid nearly all the monthly payments as I've been unwaged but never given us any keep. He might buy the odd takeaway. Anything he pays for is recorded on a spreadsheet which I didn't know existed until recently.
The monthly payment is £400 the same as many friends charge their adult DC. He eats a lot. He earns more than his father who is in his 60s and still working to keep a roof over our heads. We also have a younger DC at home who is at a local University.
Things have come to head as he wants to buy this spring. I haven't been able to confirm if I can give him this money back then. He is now forcing us to sell our home (which we do need to due for mobility reasons). We have equity in the house to repay him and move to a smaller property.
I'm now expected to give full weekly updates on our finances and any accessible work options I might be applying for. If I don't give him this information he flys into a rage screaming at me and telling me I've ruined his life.
The payments he has made are less than 10% of his take home pay.
He had mostly a private education and I paid off his sports car finance two years ago. He's never offered to take that off 'the bill'.
My DH has told him I'm ill and when the house is sold he can have his money. It doesn't seem to be enough. My husband things he's a privileged brat.
To punish us he refused to attend a family party at the weekend. Yesterday he shouted at me for an hour. I was crying. It turns out he had promised his GF a house last year. She was going to leave him as this hasn't happened.
Due to my health I am barely able to walk. I can't just go and work in a shop or warehouse. He does stay with his GF a couple of days a week and we all breathe a sigh of relief. I'm not frightened of him but he is so nasty to me. I don't know what to do.

"Trying to wheedle out of your debts..." Have you not read the OP at all? She's ill and can't work. I'm really struggling to understand all the outrage here. He's paying 400 per month for a loan that he's going to get back. He's not paying for anything else and living rent,food and bills free. Sounds like a good deal to me.

Also discuss with the accountant whether you can sign your son to have equity in your house. It might be that your son should buy your home and you should look for another.
It's a financial problem to be solved. Use a professional.

Having read the whole thread I can see the need to call for calm and patience. The son is inexperienced and thinks a house would sell in an instant, the way a car might. Noone lists a house at Christmas - noone is viewing houses then. Most family homes need preparation to sell, as well.
I don't doubt his anxiety about the loan but he is overstepping by raging at his mother. And for an hour! He's young and he may not understand major ill health issues. (I have a male family member who thinks there is no health issue that you can't exercise your way out of - his Mum has Parkinsons and is over 80.)
And as someone pointed out, the OP could possibly take some pension pot drawdown.
It all sounds horrible. And the girlfriend sounds like a madam.

She’ll get knocked up next to force his hand.

Surely you cannot be forced to sell up by your own adult son?

What a nasty man he is.

STAY PUT.

The cunty girlfriend can pester her own parents - or she can get a better job!
Bloody cheek of them!

But then he'd lose first time buyer / stamp duty benefits

A finance that will leave you if don't buy a house doesn't sound like a great life partner tbh

Hindsight is a wonderful things isn't it and it's way to say that there should have been much for clarity on expectations around finances.

He's paying the loan but isn't paying any board. This should have been explicitly agreed at the start. Either the two things are kept completely separate and he still owes you for his board and you owe him for the loan repayments. Or he takes what he owes you for his board out of the loan payments he is paying.
You need to stand firm on what is agreed, it all sounds awful. I cannot imagine my grown up children acting like that.
I wouldn't be too hard on his girlfriend either, god knows what tale he has said to her about not being able to buy a house.

I do hope the chemo begins to work.

It does sound as if subconciously he is lashing out because of the stress of losing you rather than the money which is a kind of triangulation...

I can’t quite understand how your mortgage is only £400 per month but you couldn’t borrow the extra £20k, but then on the other hand you could afford to clear a car finance and private school. It sounds like your finances really were (are) stretched to the max at best but honestly it doesn’t make any real sense so I feel there’s only half a story here.

In the son’s case, I’d feel really upset too knowing that I’ve been lumbered with a repayment of a loan that costs the same as the mortgage but I’m unable to buy myself, have no equity and feel trapped to remain in the house (or else risk having to pay rent and also continue to pay the loan for your house).

@rightinthedavinamccalls "I'm really struggling to understand all the outrage here. He's paying 400 per month for a loan that he's going to get back. He's not paying for anything else and living rent,food and bills free. Sounds like a good deal to me."

But the point is - he wants to move out and buy his own house and he can't because the loan he took out for his parents isn't paid back and they can't give him a timeline of when it will be paid back. It's not a good deal for him.

His GF is clearly pressuring him, his relationship with his parents has broken down, he is stuck living with them, and he's got a 20K loan against his name that he didn't even need. I imagine he's highly stressed and I feel sorry for him.

It's not his fault his mum is ill (nothing is said about the DH?) - yes he could be compassionate, but I would find it hard to find compassion when I'm the one saddled with a 20K debt in my early 20's.

She's threatened to leave the son if he doesn't buy a property this spring. Doesn't sound like a happy relationship judging from the OP but seriously these parents are completely in the wrong for borrowing £20,000 from their 23 year old son to buy a house they can't afford.

He was dumb in taking out a loan like that for your sake and now he’s stuck with it. It’s not your fault that you’ve been ill of course, but this situation shouldn’t have happened to begin with.

You need to sell and downsize, he needs probably to take the loss and find another way around his plans.

His girlfriend leaving him over a promised house is bizarre though. What a nice lady.

It's not. It's the additional loan that their son took out that is 400/month.

Did he persuade you to buy the house? Would you have otherwise bought one you could afford? @Tiredtrudy

Was the loan his idea?

He sounds awfully controlling and that everything is to do with money. His GF sounds the same.

I just can’t imagine putting finances in front of family health. Your health should be the priority, not £20000.

He decided to take out the loan, and the potential risks that go alongside that. I think he was thinking of the profit that could - long term - be his from the house.

He should not be abusive to you when you are unwell.

I’d get him out the house, let him stew and protect yourself.

Well, probably off-topic but his girlfriend sounds peachy, doesn't she? Showing her true colours already. He should be careful there.

It sounds like a difficult situation for all. I think realistically your son is inexperienced and anxious about what the future holds.

To be fair, sounds like they had budgeted and planned to buy together and this has thrown a spanner in the works. She's now stuck renting or whatever rather than sharing the mortgage they agreed. I think she's right to be annoyed.

He has paid nearly all the monthly payments

Are you saying he's missed some months ? Why?

He's paying £400 a month for absolutely everything. Less than 10% of his income... But screaming in the face of his mum, even though she's unwell.

I suspect if you'd known you wouldnt do this again. But. His behaviour is disgusting.

I've just read your update.
He is way out of order.
But as you kindly say, he's probably scared.
You need to grey rock the issue and repeat like a broken record 'we will be selling the house, but that takes time and so does the health insurance. Please stop shouting. This is outside all of our control'.

Oh I misread and thought the mortgage was £400 too. I don’t think OP has actually said how much that is in rereading.

Right, his behaviour is out of order but my god, have you screwed up his financial stability and ruined any trust he had in you.

Why in the name of god did you ever ask him to take this loan out for you? He should have completely refused but he was young and obviously trusted his parents to keep their side of the bargain. But immediately you weren't able to do that and he's now paying back the loan, and having that loan is no doubt affecting his ability to get a mortgage. You say he was due to buy a house next year. What he buying a house with his girlfriend and she is now delayed getting on the housing ladder as well now?

I have sympathy that you have become ill and are now in a financial predicament but this should really not be your son's problem.

And bringing up what you've paid for private education? Surely you as his parent decided he was going to go to private school? How can you now expect him to pay for something he didn't ask for and didn't know he was going to be liable for?

And what was the agreement about paying the car loan? Surely if you agreed to pay this for him, you can't now go back and expect his to pay you retrospectively. Are you going to charge him for the nappies and formula he used as a baby too? His childcare costs???

And the PPs saying he should be paying rent... you agreed that he wouldn't to make up for him taking this loan out for you. Fair agreement imo. You can't start charging him rent now... just another agreement you'll be backtracking on.

Youve royally screwed up and I can see why he feels betrayed.

You need to sort this out and make sure he is not making these payments anymore. Sell the house, find some sort of paid work you can do from home. There are plenty of WFH/side hustle options if you just look.

But I fear that this will have forever damaged your relationship with your son. It very sad.

Your update seems odd and self justifying. Why did you let your 23 year old son persuade you to buy a house you could not afford.

He was naive, you are older and experienced so should have said "nice offer but it won't work for reasons XYZ."

You - two older, high earning people with all your life experience allowed your young son with little life or financial experience to pressure you in to buying an unaffordable house in an unsustainable and possibly unethical financial arrangement? Really?

Take responsibility for your awful financial decisions.

That may be true. But his behaviour and actions are abusive.

He did agree to pay £300 a month board. He's never paid it.

Even on these figures (repayment £400/agreed board £300) there's a monthly payment of £100 due to him. Have you paid that each month?

My understanding is that they were buying together? And that her plans are now put on hold, and shes going to still be renting due to this issue. I'd be pissed off if I was her too.

Did he take out a loan for the £20k or did he have £20k in savings which he lent you?