Loan outstanding to our son is causing weekly abuse

[Tiredtrudy]

I'm not sure if I'm being the unreasonable one here. We moved two years ago. Our adult son (now 25) was living in London. Our mortgage offer came up £20k short and he covered the shortfall with a loan (we had maxed out on the house due to our ages). Payments to be paid by us, and his terms were he wanted to move in to save for a house deposit. That was eighteen months ago. During that time I became seriously ill and will not recover. I'm the high earner. I'm waiting to be medically retired. These things are never quick as insurance doesn't want to pay.
He has paid nearly all the monthly payments as I've been unwaged but never given us any keep. He might buy the odd takeaway. Anything he pays for is recorded on a spreadsheet which I didn't know existed until recently.
The monthly payment is £400 the same as many friends charge their adult DC. He eats a lot. He earns more than his father who is in his 60s and still working to keep a roof over our heads. We also have a younger DC at home who is at a local University.
Things have come to head as he wants to buy this spring. I haven't been able to confirm if I can give him this money back then. He is now forcing us to sell our home (which we do need to due for mobility reasons). We have equity in the house to repay him and move to a smaller property.
I'm now expected to give full weekly updates on our finances and any accessible work options I might be applying for. If I don't give him this information he flys into a rage screaming at me and telling me I've ruined his life.
The payments he has made are less than 10% of his take home pay.
He had mostly a private education and I paid off his sports car finance two years ago. He's never offered to take that off 'the bill'.
My DH has told him I'm ill and when the house is sold he can have his money. It doesn't seem to be enough. My husband things he's a privileged brat.
To punish us he refused to attend a family party at the weekend. Yesterday he shouted at me for an hour. I was crying. It turns out he had promised his GF a house last year. She was going to leave him as this hasn't happened.
Due to my health I am barely able to walk. I can't just go and work in a shop or warehouse. He does stay with his GF a couple of days a week and we all breathe a sigh of relief. I'm not frightened of him but he is so nasty to me. I don't know what to do.

He agreed to pay rent, and didn’t.

You beat me to it!

Rosscameasdoody Because she's the adult with life experience.

And she thought she was taking advice from someone who worked in financial services and actually knew what he was talking about.

Sorry I read that he's nearly paid it off due his high salary and because he has not paid the agreed rent

Do you know the op, @rosscameasdoody ? It feels you have a specific view

@MildredSauce It has to be said, it's the numbers that are frying my post xmas brain.
You couldn't buy a house without 20k from young son but a year or less later theres 100k liquid in a business? That's now gone because of fraud?
And 6 months before buying the house she couldn’t afford by 20k she paid off the DS’s sport car and rent deposit totally … 20k apparently.

He'd barely left university and pretty obviously hadn't looked further than his nose when offering to take the £20K loan out for them to buy the house. I'm sorry the OP is seriously ill with a DH who is frightened of his son (!) but this whole situation is on the parents, not the son. Just my opinion of course.

I have also read it the same way as you.

Yes I have.

That was the figure I worked out, which OP replied to and said that was correct.

But that was before she said she didn’t expect him to pay rent (apart from the first 8 months).
So it technically would be a lot more.

But regardless, my point still stands.
How does he owe her rent, when she owes him thousands more?

She thought her 23 year old son, 1 year out of uni was the best person to take advice on overextending yourself to buy a property?

Odd.

Starting to see why the OP and her DH lose money so much.

Sounds like the time to take investment advice from the bloke holding up the bar.

I've got a 21yo Dsis who "works in finance" (for a grand total of 3 months so far). I can't imagine a scenario in which I would take her advice, let alone borrow money from her, to buy a house outside my means. And I'm a lot younger than OP and her DH. It would be outright immoral of me to allow her to take out debt on my behalf.

If anyone could have known better that the OP’s son was only one year out of university and therefore extremely inexperienced in the financial sector, than the OP, I’d be very surprised to find them.

@Rosscameasdoody in his professional life, at that level of qualification any financial advice OP’s son gave to a client would have been under the supervision of someone more experienced - no one comes out of university fully formed in a professional role like this. In fact a lot of people going into the financial sector don’t even have a relevant finance qualification when they start off.

Taking your logic, OP should pay £400 a month for the loan, son should pay £300 a month in rent. Taking it net, that means OP owes son £100 a month which OP has never paid. Son moved in to be able to save for his own property. Instead he has to pay the loan for his parents and he is, using your logic, supposed to be grateful that he took on indebtedness for them that he has the burden of AND his parents are making no moves to repay AND by your admission he should have to put his life on hold to get his money back because his parents won't sell a house that by the OPs own admission is no longer suitable! Son is getting screwed every with way. Yes it is undeniable that OP is under a significant amount of stress but son is under an equal but different type of stress - namely loss of cash, inability to move in with his GF and most likely terrified that his mum is going to die. There's zero empathy from OP here for the predicament that the OP has put their son in. This is the hard lesson learned by the son - do not get into debt for anyone and don't lend what you cannot afford to lose if someone fails to repay.

So what's your excuse for him now at age 25 screaming at his sick mother and changing the terms of their 'deal'?

Can you do equity release ? Ask a relative ? I would honestly pawn everything to pay him back then I’d cut the horrible arse out of my will and never speak to him again.
I get that he is owed money, but goodness sake, his own his mother has become disabled and having to sell her home !!

That £20k loan was also taken out after losing £100k of their savings to a fraudulent company.

They then thought it was a good idea to have someone move in with them (that DH and DD are both scared of) and get him to take out another loan of £20k.

So within a couple of years they’ve had 2 x £20k loans out and lost £100k.

I think we can all agree that OP and her DH aren’t the best with money.

And it’s likely the reason why the DS is so thorough in tracking everyone’s spending.

No one person has changed the terms.

The implications are much more significant for a 25 year old not being able to move out and purchase a property than.
The obvious solution is her DH, the 25 year olds father needs to work more hours to support his DW and their financial commitments. Instead he was happy for his DW to work full time before she became unwell while he was partially retired and now he’s happy for his DS to cover the large debt rather than him servicing it.

@Completelyjo my son worked in property development at 14 and through university. He is a double first including finance. I'm a not saying anything more as I've already had a friend ring me.
I may need to take this thread down.

Convenient.

Nothing you have posted has been that outing.

The fact that he (at considerable expense to himself but thanks to his high salary probably) has almost paid back the loan and needs it now in order to buy his own home.
I don't agree with anyone screaming at anybody else, least of all a sick woman, but who knows how long he has been asking his parents to pay him back faster than the four (?) years originally agreed.
Maybe he is at the end of his tether, especially as he has an older girlfriend who is threatening to leave him (according to the OP) if he doesn't get his act together and buy a home himself in Spring 2025!

Oh give over. No one has any serious experience in property at 14. A double first is irrelevant, he was 23.
It should have been obvious to you as a mid 60s adult that borrowing more than the bank is willing, via other means, is complete and utter stupidity.
Tell your DH to stop being lazy and work more to pay for your joint debts.

Then all the more reason not to take out a £20k loan on your behalf.

Did he heck work in property development at 14. Give over. None of that absolves you of paying what you owe, and failing to live within your means.

OP earlier in the thread alleged she was being subjected to abuse by some posters who were merely presenting a different viewpoint to hers, so I’m not 💯 convinced that her description of her son “screaming” at her can be relied upon. He has clearly had some hard conversations with her about this issue - which I would say is his right - though.

Once the parents decided to stop paying the loan, the original deal was off the table. They changed the arrangement not him. If they were genuinely £400 per month short of money, they could have underpaid the mortgage company/taken a mortgage holiday/let go of a car, etc. It was their unilateral decision to stop paying their son by the sound of things.