Loan outstanding to our son is causing weekly abuse

[Tiredtrudy]

I'm not sure if I'm being the unreasonable one here. We moved two years ago. Our adult son (now 25) was living in London. Our mortgage offer came up £20k short and he covered the shortfall with a loan (we had maxed out on the house due to our ages). Payments to be paid by us, and his terms were he wanted to move in to save for a house deposit. That was eighteen months ago. During that time I became seriously ill and will not recover. I'm the high earner. I'm waiting to be medically retired. These things are never quick as insurance doesn't want to pay.
He has paid nearly all the monthly payments as I've been unwaged but never given us any keep. He might buy the odd takeaway. Anything he pays for is recorded on a spreadsheet which I didn't know existed until recently.
The monthly payment is £400 the same as many friends charge their adult DC. He eats a lot. He earns more than his father who is in his 60s and still working to keep a roof over our heads. We also have a younger DC at home who is at a local University.
Things have come to head as he wants to buy this spring. I haven't been able to confirm if I can give him this money back then. He is now forcing us to sell our home (which we do need to due for mobility reasons). We have equity in the house to repay him and move to a smaller property.
I'm now expected to give full weekly updates on our finances and any accessible work options I might be applying for. If I don't give him this information he flys into a rage screaming at me and telling me I've ruined his life.
The payments he has made are less than 10% of his take home pay.
He had mostly a private education and I paid off his sports car finance two years ago. He's never offered to take that off 'the bill'.
My DH has told him I'm ill and when the house is sold he can have his money. It doesn't seem to be enough. My husband things he's a privileged brat.
To punish us he refused to attend a family party at the weekend. Yesterday he shouted at me for an hour. I was crying. It turns out he had promised his GF a house last year. She was going to leave him as this hasn't happened.
Due to my health I am barely able to walk. I can't just go and work in a shop or warehouse. He does stay with his GF a couple of days a week and we all breathe a sigh of relief. I'm not frightened of him but he is so nasty to me. I don't know what to do.

@LetThereBeLove thank you, I have lots of agrees on my posts. After all a lot of us are saying similar.

@Tiredtrudy for fear of being indelicate, could some of your sons anger/anxiety be he is afraid you won't survive the next round of chemo. You say you've lost the will to live. The loan is between you and him, your husband can't afford to pay it. Have you discussed this with son that you have made provisions to ensure he isn't left with this debt. He is dealing with the possibility of you dying, ending up with debt because he wanted to help you and dealing with grief.
Like for me and my husband times like these are a good time to downsize and simplify our lives, just in case xx

Which is exactly what OP wanted to do but was persuaded by her son that the more expensive house was a bargain and offered a bigger return in value. The same son who is supposed to be in finance, but who clearly didn’t think about his own protection in taking out the loan, and who is now behaving in the most appalling manner towards his very sick mother because he didn’t think to protect himself from the situation they now find themselves in. OP clearly trusted her sons’ opinion and took his advice. She was wrong to do so, because he’s clearly not as clever as he thought. Why is that OP’s fault ?

It has to be said, it's the numbers that are frying my post xmas brain.

You couldn't buy a house without 20k from young son but a year or less later theres 100k liquid in a business? That's now gone because of fraud?

OP has already said her children inherit immediately.

I’ll tell you how much advice I’d take from a 23 year old - precisely zero.

Not because they’re all idiots, but I’ve got the benefit of more life experience and less naivety.

It doesn’t matter who offered, who insisted, the answer should have been no. Surely that’s obvious.

But she “owes “ him £6400 not £15k.

Honestly, Mumsnet is a bizarre place sometimes. The DS has a seriously ill mother, is in a secure financial situation yet he is hassling her to sell her home ……. And she is, according to some pp, a bad person/ parent.

Hindsight. A beautiful thing as the OP said herself.

How am I bullying you ? If you’re not happy report me to MN and get my posts deleted.

Regardless of what side you’re on, I think everyone can agree that letting someone move in with you and borrowing £20k off him, knowing the DH and DD is scared of him, is more than a bit odd.

I don't think many 22/23 year olds have the financial know how with regard to taking a large loan out (and its consequences), even if they do happen to work in financial services and earn a large salary. It is totally on the parents in this case for accepting the loan.
In his position, having paid most of it back early (if I understand the OPs drip feed), I would also want to be reimbursed ASAP in order to get on with my life by buying my own home.
The issue about him paying/not paying rent while still living at home is small fry compared to a loan of £20k.
He has no doubt been spoilt in the past and has expectations that his parents can no longer fulfil. It will be no bad thing for him to step away and live an independent life.

Question for you here... I've missed where son needs loan protection. The issue doesnt seem to be whether he can afford it? Hes actually paid off early???

Op's pension split between son and sister, that may not cover it. The principal the house goes to husband.

Not hindsight, just common sense from adults in their 50s (or older) not to over extend themselves at that stage of their lives.

How does she only owe him £6400??

She’s only paid just over £3k of it and it’s a £20k loan.

Yep, tell him to do one. Change the locks if necessary.

Here’s my take on this;

The son was sick of paying London rent so saw an opportunity to ingratiate himself with his parents by loaning the £20K, knowing he wouldn’t struggle to make the payments if his mum couldn’t, and he gets to live in a big posh house rent free.

Manipulative son meets the gold digging girlfriend who has no chance of buying anywhere alone or without a partner who has a high paying job and chunky deposit. She eggs him on to pile the pressure on mum with cancer. He agrees because he’s a shit and he knows his sister and dad are intimidated by him. So what’s the way in now? Target the vulnerable person - his mum with cancer.

Kick the horrible leech out.

Exactly, none of this makes sense but I'm not sure if I'm missing something or there's more holes than Swiss cheese.

Exactly. It appears that he has paid most of it back in lieu of his parents paying it. The OP is complaining that he moved the goalposts by paying it back early (as I understand it, but I may be wrong!)

I think it might make more sense to you, if you used the word borrow rather than twisted the word lend. You don’t lend off. You borrow from. It makes sense, if you go back and carefully read through the OP’s posts. She explains that she wasn’t scared of her DS before and why her DH hasn’t contributed.

@Rosscameasdoody I thought it was obvious I was being facetious

How do you not see that you’ve only missed out on £600 to date if you were supposed to pay the loan and he’s paid for most of it?

You’re moaning he moved the goal posts and hasn’t paid you board directly, but so have you by not paying the £400 loan you agreed to.
As it stands you’ve barely lost out on the agreement and in 6 months time he will have paid out the amount he would have owed you, it’s just gone to the loan payment you defaulted on. You will still owe him the like half the loan you were supposed to pay.

@Tiredtrudy as a lot of this books down to money management at a time of crisis, may I recommend Macmillan who may be able to offer some advice
https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/impacts-of-cancer/managing-money-when-you-have-cancer#:~:text=Our%20money%20advisers%20can%20give,on%200808%20808%2000%2000.&text=If%20you%20have%20health%2C%20life,what%20benefits%20you%20can%20get.

She paid 8 months of loan repayments, together with the unpaid monthly rent.

Have you read the thread in full??

He hasn’t paid it off, it’s still ongoing. The point is, he advised OP that the larger house was the better deal because it was a bargain and offered a better profit return. On that basis he offered a loan to cover the shortfall. He did this without a single thought as to what would happen if OP became unwell or unemployed and couldn’t pay it back. No loan insurance, and no way to recoup if OP defaulted. He’s supposed to work in finance and was giving OP advice which she relied to to be accurate as the basis for doing it.