Loan outstanding to our son is causing weekly abuse

[Tiredtrudy]

I'm not sure if I'm being the unreasonable one here. We moved two years ago. Our adult son (now 25) was living in London. Our mortgage offer came up £20k short and he covered the shortfall with a loan (we had maxed out on the house due to our ages). Payments to be paid by us, and his terms were he wanted to move in to save for a house deposit. That was eighteen months ago. During that time I became seriously ill and will not recover. I'm the high earner. I'm waiting to be medically retired. These things are never quick as insurance doesn't want to pay.
He has paid nearly all the monthly payments as I've been unwaged but never given us any keep. He might buy the odd takeaway. Anything he pays for is recorded on a spreadsheet which I didn't know existed until recently.
The monthly payment is £400 the same as many friends charge their adult DC. He eats a lot. He earns more than his father who is in his 60s and still working to keep a roof over our heads. We also have a younger DC at home who is at a local University.
Things have come to head as he wants to buy this spring. I haven't been able to confirm if I can give him this money back then. He is now forcing us to sell our home (which we do need to due for mobility reasons). We have equity in the house to repay him and move to a smaller property.
I'm now expected to give full weekly updates on our finances and any accessible work options I might be applying for. If I don't give him this information he flys into a rage screaming at me and telling me I've ruined his life.
The payments he has made are less than 10% of his take home pay.
He had mostly a private education and I paid off his sports car finance two years ago. He's never offered to take that off 'the bill'.
My DH has told him I'm ill and when the house is sold he can have his money. It doesn't seem to be enough. My husband things he's a privileged brat.
To punish us he refused to attend a family party at the weekend. Yesterday he shouted at me for an hour. I was crying. It turns out he had promised his GF a house last year. She was going to leave him as this hasn't happened.
Due to my health I am barely able to walk. I can't just go and work in a shop or warehouse. He does stay with his GF a couple of days a week and we all breathe a sigh of relief. I'm not frightened of him but he is so nasty to me. I don't know what to do.

You can make an expression of wishes saying who you want your private pension pot to go to. The pension trustees will take that into account when deciding where the pot goes.

My son will get his money plus over £300k when I die. Is that OK with those who think I scammed my son? He knows this.

My son has had a privileged childhood because I worked like a dog. 80 hour weeks. I lost money in a company last year, £100k. I took my eye off the ball due to the illness. The other party has been bailed. He will stand trial for fraud.

Mumsnet can be wonderful or down right nasty. I've never had a thread in trending or at this many pages and I won't post again.

You’re clearly enjoying bullying the OP. She’s asked you to stop. Why don’t you just do as she asks.

how am I bullying the OP? She asked me to “please stop with your statements about points I have not made.” Disagreeing with someone or highlighting discrepancies isn’t bullying.

Respectfully, where did the op say that she had received a terminal diagnosis of cancer? I saw the chemo course mentioned but nothing after that. Anxious if it's been missed.

There’s so much of this doesn’t make sense.

Who lends 20k off their own son?

Who puts 20k towards a house that their father, who isn’t contributing to it, will inherit?

Why would that same father allow his son to contribute 20k without offering/insisting he helps instead?

Why would you live with someone you’re scared of, by choice (as in, move them in)?

Why would you lend 20k from someone you’re scared of?

In what world does having finance on a car prevent you from renting when you’ve got a high salary to “justify” it?

My mother would never lend £20k from me, my father would never allow it, and even if they did - I’d tell them buy their own house.

I didn’t see the please leave me alone post until just now. Good luck @Tiredtrudy

And on an anonymous forum you can only take OP’s at face value. And if you read OP’s opening post and her updates it’s clear that her son has engaged in bullying behaviour. So why would it be unreasonable to suppose that other people in the house are afraid of him throwing his weight about ? It’s also clear that this house purchase was what he wanted - he persuaded OP to go for the house because it was a bargain and would give a bigger return. The fact that it’s gone wrong because of ill health is on all of them for not protecting against the very situation they’re in now - including her son, who is supposed to be in finance, but was instrumental in supplying the loan with seemingly no protection for himself.

I can't blame him tbh. The OP should never have agreed to take his offer of a £20k loan to buy the house in the first place.

She said it’s an illness from which she will not recover.

Please leave me alone @Rosscameasdoody & stop bullying me. I have made my position clear & as I said you are not obliged to agree.

He’s not forcing anyone.

OP has lost her job and can’t afford it anymore.

She also needs to move because of her mobility issues.

What would you suggest he does?

Move out and not pay the £400?
She will still lose her home.

Or should he stay living with OP for a few more years until she gets a new job/is better and can repay him?

I genuinely want to know what your suggestion is.

You’re coming at this from an emotional view point (which is fair enough).
But that doesn’t solve the problem.

Sometimes you need to take emotion out of it and just stick to the facts, else their issues are never going to get sorted.

This. The rest of it is just noise.

Should never have happened because the loan shouldn’t have happened. My mother would sooner live in a bin than allow any of us to take out £20k worth of loans for her.

She, like most, would have bought a smaller house to begin with and not arrived here.

Another poster asked politely if I was afraid of him. I said in my op I wasn't. I was merely answering her and again you twist it. Do you have skin in the game?

Thank you.

I did read that but didnt equate it with terminal and I'm aware that chemo is not just for cancer, so did not like to assume.

£320K is a huge amount for a pension pot, I think OP is still only in her 50s.

Am I meant to ignore you or not?

He CHOSE to make accelerated payments to clear the loan down so it is now almost paid off. OP agreed to a 4 yr repayment plan not his accelerated plan.

OP chuck him out. He can find somewhere else to live and can buy his house as and when. This fixation on spring 25 is of his own making. Utterly ridiculous you'd house someone at your expense when you're in the horrendous situation you're in who instills fear in the rest of your household.

I have to agree that you're bullying the OP. Some of your posts are awful. It's not just you though, there's a few on this thread who are very aggressive and rude.

And if he wasn’t prepared to take out appropriate protection, or at least think about what would happen in the very situation they’re in now, then he shouldn’t have offered, or done his best to persuade OP to take out finance on a home he knew they wouldn’t be able to afford without his input. Why are people overlooking his part in this ?

I’m sorry you’re in this situation OP, and if you were my mother I would not be pursuing you for money right now. You could potentially use DS’s inheritance as leverage to get him to back off to give you breathing space. He would stand to lose more than he gains.

Drama aside you are making awful financial decisions.

You've lost £100K, 20K loan for car, 20K loan from son, buying a house you can't afford...

Do you have skin in the game?

What a weird comment to make to a stranger, whom you have asked to not engage with you.

I agree with you.

again you twist it

I haven’t twisted anything, bringing up that your DH & DD is scared pages in is odd to me.

Do you have skin in the game?

What does this mean?

Other posters have said things that are ruder than my posts, horrible things re your child and plenty have said similar things to me. But yet you are very angry at me, is it because I said it seems off?

He was 23 years old. Barely even an adult.

God, if I had to be held to the decisions I made in my early 20s.