Loan outstanding to our son is causing weekly abuse

[Tiredtrudy]

I'm not sure if I'm being the unreasonable one here. We moved two years ago. Our adult son (now 25) was living in London. Our mortgage offer came up £20k short and he covered the shortfall with a loan (we had maxed out on the house due to our ages). Payments to be paid by us, and his terms were he wanted to move in to save for a house deposit. That was eighteen months ago. During that time I became seriously ill and will not recover. I'm the high earner. I'm waiting to be medically retired. These things are never quick as insurance doesn't want to pay.
He has paid nearly all the monthly payments as I've been unwaged but never given us any keep. He might buy the odd takeaway. Anything he pays for is recorded on a spreadsheet which I didn't know existed until recently.
The monthly payment is £400 the same as many friends charge their adult DC. He eats a lot. He earns more than his father who is in his 60s and still working to keep a roof over our heads. We also have a younger DC at home who is at a local University.
Things have come to head as he wants to buy this spring. I haven't been able to confirm if I can give him this money back then. He is now forcing us to sell our home (which we do need to due for mobility reasons). We have equity in the house to repay him and move to a smaller property.
I'm now expected to give full weekly updates on our finances and any accessible work options I might be applying for. If I don't give him this information he flys into a rage screaming at me and telling me I've ruined his life.
The payments he has made are less than 10% of his take home pay.
He had mostly a private education and I paid off his sports car finance two years ago. He's never offered to take that off 'the bill'.
My DH has told him I'm ill and when the house is sold he can have his money. It doesn't seem to be enough. My husband things he's a privileged brat.
To punish us he refused to attend a family party at the weekend. Yesterday he shouted at me for an hour. I was crying. It turns out he had promised his GF a house last year. She was going to leave him as this hasn't happened.
Due to my health I am barely able to walk. I can't just go and work in a shop or warehouse. He does stay with his GF a couple of days a week and we all breathe a sigh of relief. I'm not frightened of him but he is so nasty to me. I don't know what to do.

Who can blame him wanting it back sooner rather than later due to the fact he needs it now to buy his own home or am I missing something 🤔

Maybe you should stop goading and harassing OP. I am honestly so shocked at how some people are treating OP on here. Wtf is wrong with you? You don't have to agree with OP but my god there's better ways to use your words.

Honestly, as soon as it was becoming apparent the £300 wasn’t forthcoming, you should have kicked him out. I’ve got a feeling you’re a bit afraid of him.

I am not afraid of him. My DH is afraid of him.
My DD has always been so.

please stop with your statements about points I have not made.
I have tried to be fair to my son on this thread.

What statements have I made about points you have not made? People have called your son horrible things and told you to disinherit or kick him out so I guess we have different definitions of fair….

And I'm not a shit parent, I'm in a shit situation. I didn't change the goalposts on timings, he did.

So it’s all his fault?

Then why were comments deleted. They were downright nasty.

You’re missing the fact that he’s forcing the sale of OP’s home to get it back, at a time when she could do without it.

Why? And why say this now?

cant you see how confusing this all is and without a proper set of events it is hard to see the wood for the trees given the amount of conflicting information

we now have a son who is both simultaneously in a relationship with an older gold digger women, a son who your husband (who may or may not be his father) is both afraid of and supportive of and a son who at 23 persuaded you to do something that meant he moved in with two people who are frightened off him even though it was the rough end of a deal for him

Diddums.

If you were financially competent and living within your means you wouldn't be in this situation.

You've screwed him over.

Another one with a sore brain. More holes than Swiss cheese as they say. Get some proper financial advise OP. All 3 of you obviously need it.

My DS has never paid any rent.
Technically the extra I needed to pay was £100. He has never been asked to pay £700.

OP said herself that once he took over the loan repayments, he wasn’t required to pay rent.

She said technically he was paying £100 more than what he needed to and that this was money she owed to him.

He didn’t pay rent for the first 8 months (2400) - which is completely wrong and I would have put my foot down and made him pay it.

But since then he has been paying £100 extra for the past 14 months (1400).

So yes, technically he owes OP £1000 in rent from the 8 months he didn’t pay but she owes him over £15k so that £1k is irrelevant.

You can’t ask someone for their £1k when you owe them over 10x that amount.

You would write that small amount off knowing that you can’t actually afford your home, without those payments being made and that person is doing them a huge favour by paying it off for them.

I am not afraid of him. My DH is afraid of him.
My DD has always been so.

How convenient 🙄

No he’s not.

OP is having to sell due to mobility issues and the fact that they now can’t afford it because she lost her job.

You’re missing the fact that he’s forcing the sale of OP’s home to get it back, at a time when she could do without it.

“He is now forcing us to sell our home (which we do need to due for mobility reasons).”

If this loan was taken out dependent on timings, then the OP has a point doesn’t she ? The loan was taken out over four years - OP says there’s not much left to pay off but DS is forcing the sale of the house. Why ? He’s lived there rent free - up to when OP couldn’t pay the loan herself, so at £400 a month, the repayment in lieu of rent is still saving him a shitload of money considering they’re in London. He wants his pound of flesh despite the fact that he’s putting his parents in a position where they have to sell up and move in the middle of OP’s chemo treatment. It’s not his fault. But then it’s not OP’s is it ? Unless you think she somehow engineered getting terminal cancer.

Yep. They need to sell up because the house is not suitable for OP due to mobility issues. But they don’t have to sell up while she is undergoing chemo and trying to come to terms with a terminal diagnosis. That’s entirely on DS.

@Strikeoutnow
Please leave me alone.

You do realise that OP is dying of cancer ? Why would you question this ? If you read OP’s posts her DS has engaged in bullying behaviour which, if levelled at a spouse, on MN she would be advised to leave.

I know this isn’t hugely relevant, but will OPs kids really inherit her pension? I thought only a spouse could, and even then only a proportion.

Surely a pension is calculated on the assumption that some people will get it for 30 years, some for 5, and some sadly not at all. Will the pension pot really be paid out? Or do people mean a death in service benefit?

@Rosscameasdoody Unless you think she somehow engineered getting terminal cancer.. If that’s what you think my posts have inferred then I don’t really know what to say tbh…

It depends whether she buys an annuity or offer a drawdown pension. If you go for the latter then whatever’s left in the pot is inherited by the Estate.

And how would you feel if someone was forcing you to go through the stress of a house sale while you were undergoing chemo and coming to terms with a terminal diagnosis ? The lack of empathy on this thread is utterly incomprehensible.

You’re clearly enjoying bullying the OP. She’s asked you to stop. Why don’t you just do as she asks.

You do realise that OP is dying of cancer ? Why would you question this ? If you read OP’s posts her DS has engaged in bullying behaviour which, if levelled at a spouse, on MN she would be advised to leave.

It’s an anonymous forum, I don’t know what is really true or not & this thread isn’t all ringing true for me. I think it’s odd to bring up after hours of a thread that the DH & DD are scared of the son, you don’t have to agree.

And without the pressure DS is bringing to bear, OP needn’t sell up at the same time as she’s having chemo. I cannot imagine being treated like this by any member of my family never mind my own child.