Loan outstanding to our son is causing weekly abuse

[Tiredtrudy]

I'm not sure if I'm being the unreasonable one here. We moved two years ago. Our adult son (now 25) was living in London. Our mortgage offer came up £20k short and he covered the shortfall with a loan (we had maxed out on the house due to our ages). Payments to be paid by us, and his terms were he wanted to move in to save for a house deposit. That was eighteen months ago. During that time I became seriously ill and will not recover. I'm the high earner. I'm waiting to be medically retired. These things are never quick as insurance doesn't want to pay.
He has paid nearly all the monthly payments as I've been unwaged but never given us any keep. He might buy the odd takeaway. Anything he pays for is recorded on a spreadsheet which I didn't know existed until recently.
The monthly payment is £400 the same as many friends charge their adult DC. He eats a lot. He earns more than his father who is in his 60s and still working to keep a roof over our heads. We also have a younger DC at home who is at a local University.
Things have come to head as he wants to buy this spring. I haven't been able to confirm if I can give him this money back then. He is now forcing us to sell our home (which we do need to due for mobility reasons). We have equity in the house to repay him and move to a smaller property.
I'm now expected to give full weekly updates on our finances and any accessible work options I might be applying for. If I don't give him this information he flys into a rage screaming at me and telling me I've ruined his life.
The payments he has made are less than 10% of his take home pay.
He had mostly a private education and I paid off his sports car finance two years ago. He's never offered to take that off 'the bill'.
My DH has told him I'm ill and when the house is sold he can have his money. It doesn't seem to be enough. My husband things he's a privileged brat.
To punish us he refused to attend a family party at the weekend. Yesterday he shouted at me for an hour. I was crying. It turns out he had promised his GF a house last year. She was going to leave him as this hasn't happened.
Due to my health I am barely able to walk. I can't just go and work in a shop or warehouse. He does stay with his GF a couple of days a week and we all breathe a sigh of relief. I'm not frightened of him but he is so nasty to me. I don't know what to do.

I’m not sure this is even true tbh.

Yes yabu. If he was posting on here he'd be told he has toxic parents. Whilst it's unfortunate you've become ill, it's really shitty to not repay the loan he took out for you because you decided to buy a house you couldn't afford.

He hasn't moved out and the loan repayments are going to be refunded.

He's paying off the £400 per month in lieu of rent and board but you're right that it isn't the same - as the loan is going to be paid back to him. So he'll have lived there for free.

I can’t imagine having such a transactional relationship with my mother, who raised me and provided for me, who is going through cancer treatment! That’s really awful OP and I’m sorry this is how things have turned out for you. If you DH can’t sort it out, ask your son to leave and pay him back asap.

He hasn't moved out and the loan repayments are going to be refunded.

Do you think he might have trust issues though?

The more it goes on the less I believe it. The husband seems non existent, OP takes financial advice from a 22 year old, the girlfriend is a gold digger, kids went to private school and they could afford that but not the mortgage.

This is why I’m asking for clarity. Calm down.

He took a loan out because mum wanted a bigger house then a year later mum lost what she makes sound like all family money in a scam. Parent or not, that's a poor horse to back.

And I appreciate that op is ill and circumstances change. But at 50 plus that's what you have to plan for. And with that in mind how did a scam happen when you were clearly going through treatment???? That feels harsh and have you any recourse to recover?

So he took out a loan for you and now he's having to repay it? It was a really, really bad idea in the first place you should have bought somewhere you could afford, not expect your son to take a loan.

He agreed to take the loan for you if you allowed him to move home to save up - now you're bringing up private school as if your choice to send him there is something he should now owe you for! And a car, money that you kindly paid off for him as a gift I assume and now suddenly think you should get back!

Honestly OP I can absolutely see why he is fucking fuming, I would be too. It sounds like you're shit with money and now he's dragged into your mess when he wanted to be saving for his own place.

Actually it might do depending on the interest rate when the loan was taken out. We had a loan over 5 years which we took out in January 2020. Repayment was £358 per month. Last payment is in 4 days time!! Yippee

The loan is 21 months old. I paid it in full for eight months. We have received no rent.

My son his overpaid it as it was restricting his mortgage offer. He has saved too during this time. He has a offer but wants a bigger house thus a larger deposit.
I have repeated many times the house is going on the market next month. Our agents advised the timings. A previous poster confirmed houses don't get many viewings at Christmas.

My DH does pay his way but cannot pay another £400 on top of it. He is not involved in this and I will not be giving private information on him.

There was no requirement to pay this back in less than four years. We paid off our son's car finance so he could rent and that was £20k. This was about six months before the loan. My DH took the loan out for him.
I'm not asking for Pro quo before anyone jumps to that conclusion. I've done a lot for my DS as I should have.

👏👏

I’m not sure this is real either but surely, if you got into a financial agreement with your mum which she could no longer fulfil because she unexpectedly got cancer, wouldn’t most normal loving children just suck it up and support your mum to get better. Would you be really be screaming at your mum in rage because you want to move out with your gf. I would be so disappointed as a parent if that was the person my child became.
The initial arrangement doesn’t sound great tbh but ultimately, sometimes in life things don’t go to plan and you have to pivot. She’s literally having cancer treatment ffs. Also, the OP said her husband pays mortgage and bills, the son is only paying this £400 loan. It’s not great but given the circumstances, I would expect much more from my child, all being well generally.

Yes yabu. If he was posting on here he'd be told he has toxic parents

If you read all the OPs posts she doesn’t seem to have expressed any responsibility or agency for taking the loan & doesn’t seem to feel she should pay it back hence all the deflection about private education, high salary, cheap rent, gold digger girlfriend. She talks about the son forcing her to sell the house but also says she has to do it anyway because of mobility. Presumably the son is frustrated & doesn’t believe the OP although aggression is not acceptable. There are definitely 2 sides to this story.

I do not need you to be on my side. I felt abused and deeply hurt by my son's behaviour.

Why is your husband taking out a loan for your son who supposedly is a higher earner?

Honestly your finances sound a mess. It sounds like selling, repaying any debts and living within your means is the way forward.

I’ll bet your son feels like he’s been taken for a mug by his parents.

I'm not asking for Pro quo before anyone jumps to that conclusion. Why mention it all then?

I felt abused and deeply hurt by my son's behaviour.

Do you think your son might feel hurt?

So 2 years ago DS moved in and was meant to be paying you £300 month board.

24 x 300 = £7200

He took out a £20k loan and you were paying it back £400 a month.

24 x 400 = 9600

You paid 8 months of it = 3200

9600 - 3200 = 6400

So unless my maths is wrong (which would surprise me), you owe him £6400 still.

Is that correct?
If so, what is the issue?

Were you expecting DS to say don’t worry about paying me back my £20k loan, I’ll still pay £300 board on top too?

Because that’s what it sounds like and that’s why you’re bringing up all of the gifts and private education etc.

@Dontwearmysocks
@Strikeoutnow

I’m pretty sure the OP stated that her son persuaded her to buy this house and she was otherwise happy with the more affordable house.

If the son didn’t want to take out a loan, he shouldn’t have offered/decided to do this. The loan IS his. By law, it is actually his problem to sort. He should have considered all the implications of taking out a loan - and potential issues.

It sounds to me like he is on the make, and sod his Mum’s health.

This whole thread is very confusing and difficult to follow. I think, from what I've understood, your son took out a £20,000 loan so you could buy your house. You were supposed to pay the loan off but have only paid £3200. He has to pay the remaining £16,800 plus interest. And if you die your husband inherits the house. So your son has effectively paid £20,000 to live with you for two years and gets nothing else. Until he pays the loan off he can't take out his own mortgage, jeopardising both his ability to start his own life and his relationship. But you're upset that he is getting angry. Sounds bonkers.

I would disinherit son from the pension ASAP.

Still very confused. 20k divided by 48 repayments is 416. Without interest?????

We paid off our son's car finance so he could rent and that was £20k. This was about six months before the loan. My DH took the loan out for him.

So after you had lost all of your savings to fraud and before you lost your high paying job, you decided that it would be a good idea to take out a £20k loan to pay off a car??

Why was this not in your OP because you’re basically saying it’s the same money and therefore DS should write off the money you owe him.

But instead you just talked about his private education etc and how he doesn’t pay board on top of the £400 loan money.

So @Tiredtrudy what does "good" look like for you? What would make this all ok?