Loan outstanding to our son is causing weekly abuse

[Tiredtrudy]

I'm not sure if I'm being the unreasonable one here. We moved two years ago. Our adult son (now 25) was living in London. Our mortgage offer came up £20k short and he covered the shortfall with a loan (we had maxed out on the house due to our ages). Payments to be paid by us, and his terms were he wanted to move in to save for a house deposit. That was eighteen months ago. During that time I became seriously ill and will not recover. I'm the high earner. I'm waiting to be medically retired. These things are never quick as insurance doesn't want to pay.
He has paid nearly all the monthly payments as I've been unwaged but never given us any keep. He might buy the odd takeaway. Anything he pays for is recorded on a spreadsheet which I didn't know existed until recently.
The monthly payment is £400 the same as many friends charge their adult DC. He eats a lot. He earns more than his father who is in his 60s and still working to keep a roof over our heads. We also have a younger DC at home who is at a local University.
Things have come to head as he wants to buy this spring. I haven't been able to confirm if I can give him this money back then. He is now forcing us to sell our home (which we do need to due for mobility reasons). We have equity in the house to repay him and move to a smaller property.
I'm now expected to give full weekly updates on our finances and any accessible work options I might be applying for. If I don't give him this information he flys into a rage screaming at me and telling me I've ruined his life.
The payments he has made are less than 10% of his take home pay.
He had mostly a private education and I paid off his sports car finance two years ago. He's never offered to take that off 'the bill'.
My DH has told him I'm ill and when the house is sold he can have his money. It doesn't seem to be enough. My husband things he's a privileged brat.
To punish us he refused to attend a family party at the weekend. Yesterday he shouted at me for an hour. I was crying. It turns out he had promised his GF a house last year. She was going to leave him as this hasn't happened.
Due to my health I am barely able to walk. I can't just go and work in a shop or warehouse. He does stay with his GF a couple of days a week and we all breathe a sigh of relief. I'm not frightened of him but he is so nasty to me. I don't know what to do.

I think because it is difficult to work out what is going on - the OP has a narrative she has added to and changed but it is just one version of events, her truth her subjective account. I suspect the sons will be different and the actual truth more so

I’m also curious about the DH. Why should he not have to pay rent like the son? Why is he living rent free? The OP keeps saying it’s not his debt and not his mortgage, but that applies to both son and DH.

Indeed. The trouble is, there are so many unanswered questions, that we are compelled to fill in the gaps ourselves. Naturally, we all do that differently and come to our own conclusions. I was initially in support of OP, but her evasiveness and the inconsistencies in the story have led me to change my mind. If she could answer the pertinent questions that several posters have put to her, I'd happily reconsider my position. I suspect we'll never get to the bottom of it though.

See, I don’t think you’ve been getting abuse on this thread. I think you’ve been on the receiving end of some direct, even blunt statements, but they have not been abusive.

So I imagine your son hasn’t been abusive either. But that loan is a millstone round his neck and it is stopping him getting on with his life. He’s facing potentially the end of his relationship and possibly years stuck living at home, while you don’t seem to be moving ahead with selling the house or understanding his perspective at all.

I’m sorry you’ve been ill but it doesn’t absolve you and your DH of all responsibility. If you’re due a payout you need to be chasing it, and get the house on the market.

What's the definition of a gold digger? Someone who encourages someone to spend money (they may not have) to benefit themselves?

Sound familiar @Tiredtrudy ?

It's not abuse, OP. People are saying things you don't like in a blunt manner. Not the same thing.

Whichever way you look at it, DH should be having these heated conversations with DS, as OP is so ill.

Oops.

This bizarre on so many levels and of course we are only hearing one side but would I take money of my son even with intentions to pay it back. never!!!

Posters aren't obsessed with your DH @Tiredtrudy - we're just not understanding why your husband, the father of your children, does not contribute to the mortgage or can't take on the £400 per month loan payments. Surely he can at least take out a loan to cover it?

Whose money was lost to the fraudulent company? Yours? Your DH?

Can DD talk with her brother? Gently - surely she appreciates that calling his GF a gold digger would only inflame the situation.

But could she express concern that perhaps he doing more than his fair share, even if the ‘fair share’ is not an equal share because of differences in earnings, savings, etc?

My DS has never paid any rent. Technically the extra I needed to pay was £100. He has never been asked to pay £700.

I have to admit I think it's odd he's so away from the situation.

If DH was ill or I was the other would step up and deal with everything we could including debt and conversations with kids to take the burden off the sick person.

Probably more going on than OP is willing to share - possibly adding to her stress.

I agree and actually think he and DS would be able to arrange a compromise much easier than DS and OP.

I’m not even sure OP really knows what she wants, as she seems to avoid basic questions and isn’t coming across as 100% factual.

I can see why DS wants a spreadsheet and to have everything clear, as I find apps lack of communication frustrating and can only imagine how DS feels.

It would perhaps be better if OP stayed out of it and asked for DH and DS to create a written contract and then no one can change the goal posts or make assumptions.

Exactly. You can’t ask him to cop a loan for you and then when you become unable to repay it start retrofitting any money you spent on him in the last to offset. I think you are being unreasonable and not surprised he’s pissed off.

As many posters have pointed out, taking the loan was irresponsible, whoever’s idea it was.

You need to pay your son back. Work out exactly how much you owe him.

Total loan (+interest) minus the missing rent payments.

You will need to take into account the £400 he has been paying of late.

The remainder is what you owe him.

@Tiredtrudy I havent read whole thread but you say you are insured, why hasnt insurance paid off the mortgage in full? My husband was diagnosed with cancer, not a serious one (if there is such a thing) we contacted our mortgage provider as we had insurance, the full mortgage was paid off within 6 weeks of diagnosis before he even started chemo & radiology. Private health/sickness cover was nightmare to deal with but paid up once he was back at work.
Obviously it wouldnt cover the 20k loan but your house should have had any outstanding mortgage paid. The 20k could have been paid out of that, is this why your son is upset? you say the reason he agreed to do this was to live rent free to save a house deposit of his own, through no ones fault this hasnt happened. What security does he have that he will get the money? the loan is in his name, the risk/loss is entirely his, I would be upset if I was him.
I hope 2nd round of chemo helps it is grueling, my husband was really sick but please dont underestimate the effect it has on everyone around you. I had to hide my feelings from husband to be strong to support him but it came in waves of fear, sadness, helplessness and a lot of anger xx

OP did not request advice on the financial arrangements within her marriage.

I can imagine several scenarios she may not wish to discuss, anything from the possibility that her DH is the impecunious heir to an obscure throne living under witness protection (😄) to the statistically more likely one that he is suffering a disability and she does not wish to discuss it.

Ok thank you for clarifying this OP.

So the agreement was that you would give him £100 to cover the shortfall?

How often did you do this?

Why has it gone from that agreement to where It is now?

You say he’s been paying the £400, so what’s the issue?

Is it that you’ve not been paying him the £100 as planned?

Nope: you're confusing the division of assets on divorce with those on death. If she left him with nothing at all, he would have a claim in the courts as she has made provision for him whilst alive but if she left him with something that was deemed sufficient like a pension, he could have to forfeit the house. OP isn't doing that but your statement that it's his to inherit because they're married is incorrect.

True, but her family relationships are falling apart and as her DH, you would imagine he would be the one stepping up right now to look after her, the house, the bills, their financial commitments. I think it's completely reasonable to wonder what exactly this man is doing in this situation.

This.

Have you made it clear you have a plan to pay him back - even if it's not on his desired timetable - so he knows he'll get the money?

Then talk to him about his behavior which needs to change.

But it appears DH has advised DS that he'll be getting his cash back as well as throwing in that he feels DS is a privileged brat.

One could call DH a privileged brat too, if it's not his debt or his house?

Am very confused with tenses and language used by op. Some posts read like DH is not dad of DS. Has that been confirmed?

If we are 2 years in to what must be a 4/5 year loan and op has only made 8 out of 24 payments, can see why son may be feeling sore. Also is @Tiredtrudy thinking that she will take board "owed" off of loan redemption????

You and seem obsessed with my DH. It is not his house or debt.

& this is why the OP feels off to me. There’s holes, avoidance, deflection, etc. I think I asked 1 or 2 questions about DHs role because I do think it’s odd he’s uninvolved & passive (other posters have said similar) & rather than answer the questions you call me obsessive… 🤔

I think you may have hit the nail on the head? OP and her DH have decided all payments to DS cease until house is sold????