Loan outstanding to our son is causing weekly abuse

[Tiredtrudy]

I'm not sure if I'm being the unreasonable one here. We moved two years ago. Our adult son (now 25) was living in London. Our mortgage offer came up £20k short and he covered the shortfall with a loan (we had maxed out on the house due to our ages). Payments to be paid by us, and his terms were he wanted to move in to save for a house deposit. That was eighteen months ago. During that time I became seriously ill and will not recover. I'm the high earner. I'm waiting to be medically retired. These things are never quick as insurance doesn't want to pay.
He has paid nearly all the monthly payments as I've been unwaged but never given us any keep. He might buy the odd takeaway. Anything he pays for is recorded on a spreadsheet which I didn't know existed until recently.
The monthly payment is £400 the same as many friends charge their adult DC. He eats a lot. He earns more than his father who is in his 60s and still working to keep a roof over our heads. We also have a younger DC at home who is at a local University.
Things have come to head as he wants to buy this spring. I haven't been able to confirm if I can give him this money back then. He is now forcing us to sell our home (which we do need to due for mobility reasons). We have equity in the house to repay him and move to a smaller property.
I'm now expected to give full weekly updates on our finances and any accessible work options I might be applying for. If I don't give him this information he flys into a rage screaming at me and telling me I've ruined his life.
The payments he has made are less than 10% of his take home pay.
He had mostly a private education and I paid off his sports car finance two years ago. He's never offered to take that off 'the bill'.
My DH has told him I'm ill and when the house is sold he can have his money. It doesn't seem to be enough. My husband things he's a privileged brat.
To punish us he refused to attend a family party at the weekend. Yesterday he shouted at me for an hour. I was crying. It turns out he had promised his GF a house last year. She was going to leave him as this hasn't happened.
Due to my health I am barely able to walk. I can't just go and work in a shop or warehouse. He does stay with his GF a couple of days a week and we all breathe a sigh of relief. I'm not frightened of him but he is so nasty to me. I don't know what to do.

You're fluffing out the tale to suit. "He offered" was the language used. No evidence of any talking into, encouragement, we have no idea what lead to the offer... she accepted the loan, now isn't repaying it. Of course she is to blame.

The fact remains that OP didn’t make her son take out the loan. Speaking purely factually on the info we have, that is not correct.

Op is also being very coy with the “substantial” amount of money they recently lost. Perhaps the DS is more frustrated by the situation that they got themselves into which lead to him not being paid back even before OPs cancer.

It sounds like DS encouraged them to get this house, knowing it was a good investment.

As he was only 22 and new into finance (and not an estate agent), I would assume that OP and get DH would have thought long and hard about it and got a professionals advice too.

OP has said that it was a good investment because when they sell they’ll have money left over.

Yes DS lent his parents the money but if things had run smoothly then this wouldn’t have been an issue.

DS should have known that his parents were not good with money but luckily he did encourage them to buy this home with equity, so when they downsize they will have a bit of a cushion.

His treatment of OP is vile but they have a track record with being bad with money and are now struggling to make ends meet.
So he wants to keep track of incoming and outgoings and what jobs OP is applying for.

What’s he’s doing is a good thing but the way he’s going about it is wrong.
I think OP is probably taking it more personal because shes feeling out of control.

The loan or buying the house is irrelevant really because that’s done now.

What is relevant is how the loan is going to be paid back and what the agreement was regarding paying the board now that DS is paying the loan too.

That is correct.

And the other fact is that DS didn’t make OP buy that house.

Not fluffing anything. From OP’s update of 10.31am today:

I did not pressurise my son into the loan, he offered. I said I would buy a smaller house, he said no he wanted us to buy this house as it was a bargain. He works in finance. It has been valued up considerably.

Pretty clear to me. And yes, she accepted the loan, but I think since it was her DS who offered, and actually took out the loan in his own name, he should have applied a lot more thought as to what would happen in the very circumstances they find themselves in now. Especially as he works in finance. And it’s very telling that you see OP as to ‘blame’ when it was a terminal cancer diagnosis that brought about her inability to work.

Nope, of course not. We have free will. But from OP’s description it seems he was persuasive.

My DD has just suggested she's a gold digger. I wouldn't go that far but he is a good bet.

Dont understand this. It’s all there in the OP’s posts.

Ultimately, you couldn’t afford to live in your house without your son’s help.

You are yet to repay him, you need to repay him so he can get on with his life.

You have the equity to pay him back. It is so unfair for you to not repay him, considering how difficult it is for his generation to get on the ladder and the gains your generation have made.

Sadly, if the only way you can pay him back is sell your home, then that is what you will have to do.

You and @Strikeoutnow seem obsessed with my DH. It is not his house or debt.

He currently pays most of the bills. He is a much lower earner.

Sorry but the money troubles predate cancer and extend beyond the DS loan. There is another "large sum" that was lost last year. She failed to adequately plan and knowingly passed the risk onto her son. Who takes financial advise from 22 year olds? Honestly.

I'm curious OP. It's not DHs house, or his debt, whose money was lost last year?

So she can't take money off him, but you can?

Why isn't it DH's house or debt, if you're married?

Get him to discuss it all with DS, you need to take care of yourself.

So he has borrowed £20k in his name and has had to made the repayments so yoh can get your house. Now that will prevent him buying his own place. He has done you a massive favour putting himself in debt, paying loan repayments you were supposed to pay (ignore all the stuff about him beibg your child and rent etc). You are in real danger of damaging your relationship with him beyond repair. Time to downsize and buy somewhere you can afford within your means and release him from this onerous debt that will prevent him being able to buy his own place.

Of course it’s his house.

if he I paying the loan, he is paying for the house he is living in.

of course he is angry. He is trying to start his life and think it’s ok you not only took his money but are making him make the payments.

have you even apologized? Have you given him a timeline for repayment?

Never see the thread so split.

This sounds so difficult, I can see why he's annoyed however the scrutiny and shouting etc is out of order. Money and pressure does funny things to people. If he's explained that situation to girlfriend then it's quite unreasonable that she is threatening to split. This could be a real indication of her character that her should pay attention to. I understand some of the points re luxuries he's enjoyed at your expense in the past but they are no relevant to the finances in this situation although are relevant in the sense that he should be treating you better. I think moving asap is the most realistic solution unless he agrees to delay everything for a while. Good luck.

OP can you confirm what the agreement was.

We all keep arguing amongst ourselves with things that aren’t really relevant 😁

When you stopped working, was the agreement:

a) that DS would pay both the £400 loan + £300 board = £700 a month

b) that DS would pay just the £400 loan and not the £300 board = £400 a month

Was this agreed by you both?
And was it written down or just a verbal conversation?

I'm finding it a bit tricky to follow.
So he was meant to be paying you 300 a month but receiving 400 from you to pay the loan?
So he's 100 short each month and this is what you should owe him now?

But neither is it your sons. And it is his house, he is married to you and will inherit it

and for one who judges your sons girlfriend for having no money what is the different between her and your husband

If you read OP’s post and updates it seems that her DS actually talked her into getting the more expensive house. She was going to settle for the cheaper house and told him so, but he actually persuaded her and lent her the money.

I have a 19 year old when she 22 - year out of uni I will not being disregarding 30 years of paying rent and mortgage and living and let her talk me into anything financial let alone borrowing more than I can afford in my late 50s -I don't know any sensible parent who would - what ever sector their child ends up working in.

A 50 + year old woman claiming a 22 year old son made her buy a bigger house than she could afford is just silly.

I assume the OP is saying it because she tired frustrated and very upset - not a surprise given her situation- it goes along with citing his private schooling and previous gifts - she lashing out as she feels out of control and probably very worried and frankly hurt at his attitude and a likely very different world view to money. I expect she quite like to be taken care of not dealing with money worries at this time or even getting a house sold.

She may also be lashing out because she doesn't want to deal with the money situation at the moment. Blaming DS and now the GF who only seems to be seeing to own future and not wanting it delayed indefinitely is displacement activity - possible feels good as well - solves nothing.

You need to sit down calmly remember you both love each other and get the numbers out and thrash out what was actually agreed and when and plan a way forward.

Exactly. Wow.