Loan outstanding to our son is causing weekly abuse

[Tiredtrudy]

I'm not sure if I'm being the unreasonable one here. We moved two years ago. Our adult son (now 25) was living in London. Our mortgage offer came up £20k short and he covered the shortfall with a loan (we had maxed out on the house due to our ages). Payments to be paid by us, and his terms were he wanted to move in to save for a house deposit. That was eighteen months ago. During that time I became seriously ill and will not recover. I'm the high earner. I'm waiting to be medically retired. These things are never quick as insurance doesn't want to pay.
He has paid nearly all the monthly payments as I've been unwaged but never given us any keep. He might buy the odd takeaway. Anything he pays for is recorded on a spreadsheet which I didn't know existed until recently.
The monthly payment is £400 the same as many friends charge their adult DC. He eats a lot. He earns more than his father who is in his 60s and still working to keep a roof over our heads. We also have a younger DC at home who is at a local University.
Things have come to head as he wants to buy this spring. I haven't been able to confirm if I can give him this money back then. He is now forcing us to sell our home (which we do need to due for mobility reasons). We have equity in the house to repay him and move to a smaller property.
I'm now expected to give full weekly updates on our finances and any accessible work options I might be applying for. If I don't give him this information he flys into a rage screaming at me and telling me I've ruined his life.
The payments he has made are less than 10% of his take home pay.
He had mostly a private education and I paid off his sports car finance two years ago. He's never offered to take that off 'the bill'.
My DH has told him I'm ill and when the house is sold he can have his money. It doesn't seem to be enough. My husband things he's a privileged brat.
To punish us he refused to attend a family party at the weekend. Yesterday he shouted at me for an hour. I was crying. It turns out he had promised his GF a house last year. She was going to leave him as this hasn't happened.
Due to my health I am barely able to walk. I can't just go and work in a shop or warehouse. He does stay with his GF a couple of days a week and we all breathe a sigh of relief. I'm not frightened of him but he is so nasty to me. I don't know what to do.

He wasn’t paying any rent at all - not even the £300 agreed while OP was paying back the loan herself. So paying above the agreed amount could be seen as repaying the unpaid rent.

Too many vague "he's"... either way, we know DS is paying £400. We don't know if DH is paying anything at all.

Did you not read the list of disgraceful things he's done/said to the OP? If you think they're ok well we'll just agree to disagree. For what it's worth, I never even mentioned the spreadsheet. How you can say that screaming at the OP is disgraceful and then excuse it as 'frustration' is beyond me. I'm sure OP is frustrated too.

I completely agree.

They are obviously not great with money.

DS is better with money and is much more strict when checking incomings and outgoings (probably due to his job).

Which it sounds like OP doesn’t like and why she’s bringing up gifts that she’s bought him in the past.

OP has had a lot to deal with losing their savings to fraud, getting cancer, not being able to work and not having as much financial freedom as she’s used to.

And it’s probably the lack of being in control and the miscommunication between them both that has caused them to be at logger heads.

They need to sit down and draw up an agreement to move forward from it.

OP this sounds quite complex in terms of how expectations and reality have diverged, through no fault of your own. Were your son not living at home his outgoings would be far greater than they are now so he should still be able to save for his own house. Money troubles within close relationships are a bit of a minefield - anyone close by or online that can counsel you as a family on an agreed way forward?

He is treating you appallingly: I think for the sake of your recovery and finances you should ask him to leave so you can let the room at a more realistic rate. You can then repay him the £400 from that. Ofc he will be down on the deal as living in London is going to cost him way more but he doesn't get to stay in your home at zero cost to himself AND abuse you in such a vitriolic fashion when you are seriously ill; the added stress cannot be helping. As if you don't have enough to worry about as it is. Don't bring past benefits like his private education and car loan into the picture much as it muddies the waters. Keep to the realities and hard facts of the here and now which is that you can't work and monies for the remainder of the loan will not be forthcoming until the house is sold.

I suspect like others that maybe his GF is pressuring him in some way and he feels squeezed and is taking it out on you. I have to say in your shoes I would take a very dim view of his attitude towards me when I was at my lowest point and in need of all the love and support I could get. No one chooses to be this ill and incapacitated.

Can I ask, is your DH his step father? That might play a part in why he's acting the way he is.

So sorry, what a deeply miserable time of it you are having.

Because he’s paying £400 a month on a loan his parents made him take out! Are people intentionally dense on here or what.

Hi OP

Your son is probably keen to buy this spring because after April the stamp duty help for first time buyers is changing and buying will probably cost them more - depends on the price of the property that they buy.

I think you should make this right with your son if it does cost him more by paying the extra stamp duty it costs him and his partner. (There is no way that they will be able to buy before April if their finances are not in place).

What I think you should be paying when your house is sold (ASAP)
£100 for each month that your son has repaid the loan (£400) rather than the rent (£300);
The remaining balance of the loan (which won't be 20k minus payments due to interest);
The extra stamp duty that the delay in buying costs the couple (if any depending on the value of the house that they want to purchase).

I'm sorry you are ill OP. I think the sooner that you can downsize and resolve these financial issues the better for everyone.

I agree.

I think those shouting that the son is abusive are shameful. And telling OP to charge him for private school?? I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous in my life.

Nobody’s dense. Read the thread. He was supposed to pay £300 a month rent when OP was paying the loan herself. He has never paid it. Now he’s paying the loan himself at £400 but in lieu of the rent he would have paid. And his parents didn’t ‘make him’ take out the loan. He actually talked them into it.

OP do you receive PIP? Or Limited capacity for work and work related activities? If you do you should use this to give to your son. You have really let him down, and need to sell anything else (cars etc) to repay him as much as you can whilst you are waiting for the house to be sold.

As ridiculous as forcing your terminally ill mother to sell her home while undergoing chemotherapy ? And the son is abusive. All of this is beyond OP’s control, she didn’t ask to be ill. DS could have been a lot more reasonable and they could have explored alternatives together.

No one forced her to get a mortgage 20k above what she could afford either. She is not innocent in this at all and in fact I would say she has been financially and emotionally abusive. It’s horrible that she has cancer of course, but having cancer doesn’t absolve you of your sins.

It's very hard to make any sense of who owes who, particularly when OP brings in irrelevant details like paying for private school.

OP it's clearly a complicated situation and I am so sorry about your cancer diagnosis. What I would suggest is that you tally up what you have spent on the loan versus what you thought you would be getting in rent from your DS. Forget anything prior to the loan. Then work out what you owe your DS. Email him with your calculations and ask him if he thinks that is correct. Stress again that you will pay him back as soon as the property is sold.

I would tell him that you love him, but you cannot continue like this and what is the best way to resolve this.

The irony of you calling people dense. Did you not read the bit where OP said it was his idea? So NO people are not dense. People are outraged that he has a problem paying 400 when he pays for nothing else to live in OPs home..

Again still not actually answering pertinent questions.

Jesus fucking Christ. Yes of course the OP would say it was his idea, she wants people to be on her side!!!!! We’re very clearly not getting the full picture here. Like I said before, engage in a bit of critical thinking. So YES people are dense. ffs.

Why are you so aggressive? Maybe this thread is too much for you.

If you think I’m being aggressive you’ve clearly lived a very sheltered life.

He earns more than his father who is in his 60s and still working to keep a roof over our heads.

It sounds like DH is the father.

If you read OP’s post and updates it seems that her DS actually talked her into getting the more expensive house. She was going to settle for the cheaper house and told him so, but he actually persuaded her and lent her the money. It’s also clear that her DS is abusive - again, detailed in her posts. Quite how you’ve arrived at OP being to blame is beyond me.

Maybe they're the son, who has just found this thread. 😀

Far from it. I just want to clear something up here. You do realise OP is very ill with cancer don't you? Maybe go a bit easier with the insults etc.

What bit of the picture do you think we’re not getting ? This is a public forum, all we can do is go on what we’re being told. Second guessing OP’s and accusing them of lying doesn’t really achieve anything does it ? So we can only advise on the information we have.