Loan outstanding to our son is causing weekly abuse

[Tiredtrudy]

I'm not sure if I'm being the unreasonable one here. We moved two years ago. Our adult son (now 25) was living in London. Our mortgage offer came up £20k short and he covered the shortfall with a loan (we had maxed out on the house due to our ages). Payments to be paid by us, and his terms were he wanted to move in to save for a house deposit. That was eighteen months ago. During that time I became seriously ill and will not recover. I'm the high earner. I'm waiting to be medically retired. These things are never quick as insurance doesn't want to pay.
He has paid nearly all the monthly payments as I've been unwaged but never given us any keep. He might buy the odd takeaway. Anything he pays for is recorded on a spreadsheet which I didn't know existed until recently.
The monthly payment is £400 the same as many friends charge their adult DC. He eats a lot. He earns more than his father who is in his 60s and still working to keep a roof over our heads. We also have a younger DC at home who is at a local University.
Things have come to head as he wants to buy this spring. I haven't been able to confirm if I can give him this money back then. He is now forcing us to sell our home (which we do need to due for mobility reasons). We have equity in the house to repay him and move to a smaller property.
I'm now expected to give full weekly updates on our finances and any accessible work options I might be applying for. If I don't give him this information he flys into a rage screaming at me and telling me I've ruined his life.
The payments he has made are less than 10% of his take home pay.
He had mostly a private education and I paid off his sports car finance two years ago. He's never offered to take that off 'the bill'.
My DH has told him I'm ill and when the house is sold he can have his money. It doesn't seem to be enough. My husband things he's a privileged brat.
To punish us he refused to attend a family party at the weekend. Yesterday he shouted at me for an hour. I was crying. It turns out he had promised his GF a house last year. She was going to leave him as this hasn't happened.
Due to my health I am barely able to walk. I can't just go and work in a shop or warehouse. He does stay with his GF a couple of days a week and we all breathe a sigh of relief. I'm not frightened of him but he is so nasty to me. I don't know what to do.

She says in OP insurance doesn't want to pay.

I think they maxed out their mortgage entitlement and a loan would not be acceptable to the bank. They would probably have had to get their son to say his money was a gift not a loan.

She also says he is semi retired. And that they lost lots of money last year. Op says lots of things, it's what she's leaving out that is intriguing.

I suspect there been a massive miscommunication along those lines.

Though also think OP is perhaps used to be more slap dash with money with her high income and that's now lacking and her recent large loss to fraud - and a son who wants things nailed down and it's not helping their communication.

She has clarified. She said the difference would be £100 a month if he had paid anything in rent, but he hasn’t. OP has said that he already has a mortgage offer so I think the difficulty here is that under the present circumstances he’s tied to living with OP until the loan is paid - possibly another year if the figures given are accurate, so he can’t buy his house until then. So unless DH is prepared to help out with a contribution until OP’s insurance pays out, the alternative is to sell the house and pay him back. Given OP’s illness that seems extreme for the sake of 12 months.

RTFT. OP and her DH wanted to buy a house they couldn't afford but which at the time she was a high earner before contracting cancer. Her DS offered to loan them the shortfall through a loan of £20k ...

It’s very telling that the OP phrases it as DS “forcing” them to sell despite later admitting the home is completely unsuitable for her mobility now. I understand cancer was unexpected but why have 2 60somethings overextended themselves for a house without considering their age and probability of mobility issues in the near future anyway!
It sounds like OP and her DH have made bad decision after bad decision over the years and it’s just unfortunate that the naive DS is the one to deal with the fall out this time.

Your son has become unacceptable in his treatment of you.
Do up your own spreadsheet. With the total of the loan plus interest.
Then do up a total of all the months × £300, he owes.
From the ( loan + interest) subtract (the £3200 + rent/ keep money he owes)
What's left is the amount you owe your son.
Private school & payments from his car can't be taken off the loan. Only what you and he had agreed at the start.
Best of luck with your next treatment x

We can’t know for sure. However OP has said she is a 30 year old woman who isn’t contributing any part of the deposit for the joint house. A rather large disparity. There could be good reason for it, but it is statistically less likely with the age gap this way round.

Also cancelling the Christmas visit on the heels of a delay in housebuying, especially when your partner’s mum is facing a very serious cancer, isn’t great behaviour on the face of it.

A 20k loan at £400 a month is unlikely to be paid off in 12 months. It’s only been 18 months now. It’s likely to be at least 2 years or more.

Yes I know, I've read the thread. He's 25 now. Anyway you carry on defending this man. I think he's an absolute disgrace.

• never given us any keep.
• He did agree to pay £300 a month board. He's never paid it.
• The monthly payment is £400 the same as many friends charge their adult DC. He eats a lot.
• I'm now expected to give full weekly updates on our finances and any accessible work options
• If I don't give him this information he flys into a rage screaming at me and telling me I've ruined his life.
• My DH has told him I'm ill and when the house is sold he can have his money. It doesn't seem to be enough.
• To punish us he refused to attend a family party at the weekend. Yesterday he shouted at me for an hour. I was crying.
• Due to my health I am barely able to walk

Nope knew that. But OP also said he inherits the house. I read it as the agreement for the loan being between OP and her son, and reading between the lines, perhaps the mortgage is in her name only because DH is too old to be considered - doesn’t mean he’s not paying towards it though.

you are very negative about the son, but without him the op would not have been able to buy his house.

When first we practice to deceive ... 🙄

@Completelyjo If you read the OP’s updates it appears that the loan is over a four year period and taken out 3 years ago. OP says he has nearly paid it off.

Het house yet he lives there rent free and will fully inherit it. Sounds like in substance it is also his house.

For clarity’s sake, are you saying you have been paying the mortgage / the bills / food etc this whole time and he’s been paying the £400 loan repayment on your behalf back to himself? So in total he has recovered £7200 of the £20,000?

He sounds selfish and heartless. I cannot imagine your mother becoming unwell and not wanting to contribute in some way if you can afford to and it would help?

I would either a) ask him to move out and you will pay him back the £20k when you can afford it. Don’t be in any rush to sell your house. b) he stays but gets rid of his spread sheet and stops being an ungrateful pr*

Hes massively saving on rent and any money he pays towards this loan is going back to himself!

I would tell him that if his gf leaves him, under these circumstances, you’ve done him a massive massive favour.

Dont feel guilty for one second.

I think it would be foolish to make any assumptions on who is paying for what in this household. There will be a reason that she was very specific as to whose loan it is, whose house it is, but not whose money was lost or where last year....

With OP being the high earner she possibly got the mortgage in her sole name - could be because DH was too old to be considered. So doesn’t mean he’s not contributing. Reading between the lines, I think it’s a possibility.

Firstly 4 years of £400 monthly payments doesn’t pay off a £20,000 loan.

And there is even more reason for the son to be upset if OP has only paid £3.2k in 3 years!

I agree.

I definitely think OP could be more clear and if this is anything like the communication with DS, it’s no wonder why there has been misunderstandings and frustration.

Wrong, OP has specified that DH will inherit the house. And I think it would be more than fair to consider the £400 his rent.

DS has been paying off the loan back to the loan company, not himself. He took out the loan and the 20k he borrowed was given to OP for the house purchase. How on earth do you figure he’s paying himself back ?

He agreed to give 300 a month but instead has ended up paying 400 a month so he’s actually paying above the agreed amount. How is he such a disgrace?

the spreadsheet sounds sensible.

the shouting is disgraceful but we only have the op’s word on the extent of that and it sounds like he is frustrated by the situation.

This poster was talking about DH not DS.