Loan outstanding to our son is causing weekly abuse

[Tiredtrudy]

I'm not sure if I'm being the unreasonable one here. We moved two years ago. Our adult son (now 25) was living in London. Our mortgage offer came up £20k short and he covered the shortfall with a loan (we had maxed out on the house due to our ages). Payments to be paid by us, and his terms were he wanted to move in to save for a house deposit. That was eighteen months ago. During that time I became seriously ill and will not recover. I'm the high earner. I'm waiting to be medically retired. These things are never quick as insurance doesn't want to pay.
He has paid nearly all the monthly payments as I've been unwaged but never given us any keep. He might buy the odd takeaway. Anything he pays for is recorded on a spreadsheet which I didn't know existed until recently.
The monthly payment is £400 the same as many friends charge their adult DC. He eats a lot. He earns more than his father who is in his 60s and still working to keep a roof over our heads. We also have a younger DC at home who is at a local University.
Things have come to head as he wants to buy this spring. I haven't been able to confirm if I can give him this money back then. He is now forcing us to sell our home (which we do need to due for mobility reasons). We have equity in the house to repay him and move to a smaller property.
I'm now expected to give full weekly updates on our finances and any accessible work options I might be applying for. If I don't give him this information he flys into a rage screaming at me and telling me I've ruined his life.
The payments he has made are less than 10% of his take home pay.
He had mostly a private education and I paid off his sports car finance two years ago. He's never offered to take that off 'the bill'.
My DH has told him I'm ill and when the house is sold he can have his money. It doesn't seem to be enough. My husband things he's a privileged brat.
To punish us he refused to attend a family party at the weekend. Yesterday he shouted at me for an hour. I was crying. It turns out he had promised his GF a house last year. She was going to leave him as this hasn't happened.
Due to my health I am barely able to walk. I can't just go and work in a shop or warehouse. He does stay with his GF a couple of days a week and we all breathe a sigh of relief. I'm not frightened of him but he is so nasty to me. I don't know what to do.

Paying off the loan which is in his name is a issue nowadays for both mortgage and can be a downer for rent as well particularly when the market is as it is in London

he wants the loan in his name gone I don’t think that is too much of an ask

Where is the OP expecting him to make any more ‘contributions’. He agreed to pay £300 a month rent while OP paid the £400 loan. He’s never paid it. Living there rent free and paying only the loan - which is significantly less than market rent. OP has cancer. She’s undergoing more chemo, and her own son is trying to force a house sale while that happens. OP is also terminally ill. DS and what sounds like the GF from hell should be putting their own plans on hold for a little while to give his mum some space to come to terms with all of this. Instead they’re bringing pressure to bear and making OP’s life hell.

Where does it say he earns £47K?

OP said his payment of £400 a month was less than a tenth of his income so presumably if his net income is over £4K a month, he's earning 6 figures or close to it.

You are living beyond your means and expecting your son to pick up the slack.

His behaviour can’t be condoned but I suspect it is borne out of frustration.

You need to sell asap, downsize to a place you can afford and get on with your separate lives.

So if there has been £400 x 12 months paid on the loan, there is only £10,400ish remaining plus interest and any possible early repayment penalty... can you/your husband take out another loan to clear your sons loan?

But you agreed to pay him the £400 - and you are not

so now he is paying £400. And can’t afford the additional £300 on top

Have you anything to sell that you could raise money to pay him off. Even small bits and pieces add up

Also if he moved out could you Airbnb his room to boost your income.

Rent out parking space on your drive or just look around at different ideas to boost your income with what you have to hand

Also if the son sold the sports car bought with his parents money couldnt he pay off the loan? What's the car worth?

Son moves out, parents rent his room and get more than £400 a month if it's in London and all bills and food are included and they take over paying the loan from their lodger's money.

Good idea re: telling the son to take OP to small claims court. That way, the judge can decide who owes what.

The judge can also report them both for mortgage fraud :)

oh FGS- do you even begin to know what it's like to have cancer and be going onto chemo? Why would anyone want a stranger living in their house with all of that?

Apart from a vague promise to sell the house what have you and your husband actually done about repaying the loan? Have you looked at pension draw down? Have you looked at equity release? An unsecured loan? Have you sold a car/jewellery? Reduced outgoings? Taken a mortgage payment holiday? Does your husband work full or part-time? How much does he earn? Can you work remotely doing something? Why doesn't your insurance want to pay out?

Oh my fucking god, this thread is so frustrating. Once again, why are people blatantly ignoring the reason for all this. Cancer. Are you seriously saying if you were the son in this scenario, you'd treat your parent who was going through a serious illness the same? No ifs, buts or delays - money back pronto no matter what? Really? He should be telling OP not to worry about anything, he'll take care of the loan seeing as he's paid for fuck all else.

No one going onto their next round of chemo wants a lodger in their house.

OP is likely to feel grim with all kinds of side effects.

They agreed £300 a month in rent. OP says he has never paid it. OP was paying the loan at £400 a month, He’s now paying the £400 a month himself since OP became ill, but still doesn’t pay anything towards his keep. Considering what he’d be paying in rent and other household expenses in London I don’t think he’s doing too badly out of it.

What I don’t understand is why people are harping on about his inability to move out. Yes, the loan is in his name and he won’t be able to get a mortgage while he has the loan ongoing, but that would be the case anyway wouldn’t it - surely he would be living with OP for the duration of the loan term ? So given that the loan is still being paid, what’s the difference ? As far as I can see he’s in a strop because he’s now effectively contributing to the household and he doesn’t like it, so he’s trying to extricate himself from the commitment early. Given the circumstances I think that’s the most selfish thing I’ve ever heard of.

There’s no need to be rude.

OP is struggling financially and that poster is trying to come up with solutions.

I can imagine going through chemo and having your bills paid, is much better than going through chemo and not being able to afford your bills and getting into debt.

Also if the son sold the sports car bought with his parents money couldnt he pay off the loan? What's the car worth?

So the car wasn’t a gift?

You've obviously not lived with a family member going through chemo.

Money should be at the bottom of their list in all of this.

It's appalling.

But despite my previous comments, the only way this will be sorted out if all parties could get together with a third independent financial advisor who would come up with a plan and diffuse the anger and emotion

@Rosscameasdoody but they aren’t paying the £400 for the loan are they? By all means deduct the £300 a month he owes.

Considering what he’d be paying in rent and other household expenses in London I don’t think he’s doing too badly out of it.

Not relevant & plenty life at home rent free.

This thread is so fast moving I can't answer all the questions quickly enough.

I wanted to ask if I was being unreasonable. My BFF said the DS was being abusive, my husband had told him to back off due to my illness.

Yes it was a stupid agreement and hindsight is a wonderful thing.
My son inherits my pension and his sister the same. The house would be paid off through my husband insuring me. There is substantial equity. I cannot take loans due to not working and I am trying to release pensions. I will also ask my DH to look at a loan though he may not be able to as he is already a pensioner in part.
My DH is not involved in this as it is my house but he inherits it on my death.
I was so upset yesterday, like most posters I just wanted to see if I was being unreasonable.
I didn't know the girlfriend had issued an ultimation but she is five years older than him. She has no deposit. He will be funding the lot.

So you agree he's getting a good deal living rent free with OP?

This. It was such an unwise decision to get your son to take on debt for you. You should sell and live within your means.

You've obviously not lived with a family member going through chemo.
Money should be at the bottom of their list in all of this.
It's appalling.

money is quite often a main concern when someone is ill.

Do you have critical illness cover?

Have you anything in writing that says you owe him this money.
and that he agrees to pay £300 per month to stay with you

If the loan payment was £400 which you agreed to cover but he said he would give you £300 per month then your payment to him was £100 per month and he could then live rent free for the duration of the loan

If that was the agreement I would stick to that

However I would still have him move out because the £400 per month payment to him is probably worth it for the peace and quiet and calm.