Loan outstanding to our son is causing weekly abuse

[Tiredtrudy]

I'm not sure if I'm being the unreasonable one here. We moved two years ago. Our adult son (now 25) was living in London. Our mortgage offer came up £20k short and he covered the shortfall with a loan (we had maxed out on the house due to our ages). Payments to be paid by us, and his terms were he wanted to move in to save for a house deposit. That was eighteen months ago. During that time I became seriously ill and will not recover. I'm the high earner. I'm waiting to be medically retired. These things are never quick as insurance doesn't want to pay.
He has paid nearly all the monthly payments as I've been unwaged but never given us any keep. He might buy the odd takeaway. Anything he pays for is recorded on a spreadsheet which I didn't know existed until recently.
The monthly payment is £400 the same as many friends charge their adult DC. He eats a lot. He earns more than his father who is in his 60s and still working to keep a roof over our heads. We also have a younger DC at home who is at a local University.
Things have come to head as he wants to buy this spring. I haven't been able to confirm if I can give him this money back then. He is now forcing us to sell our home (which we do need to due for mobility reasons). We have equity in the house to repay him and move to a smaller property.
I'm now expected to give full weekly updates on our finances and any accessible work options I might be applying for. If I don't give him this information he flys into a rage screaming at me and telling me I've ruined his life.
The payments he has made are less than 10% of his take home pay.
He had mostly a private education and I paid off his sports car finance two years ago. He's never offered to take that off 'the bill'.
My DH has told him I'm ill and when the house is sold he can have his money. It doesn't seem to be enough. My husband things he's a privileged brat.
To punish us he refused to attend a family party at the weekend. Yesterday he shouted at me for an hour. I was crying. It turns out he had promised his GF a house last year. She was going to leave him as this hasn't happened.
Due to my health I am barely able to walk. I can't just go and work in a shop or warehouse. He does stay with his GF a couple of days a week and we all breathe a sigh of relief. I'm not frightened of him but he is so nasty to me. I don't know what to do.

One of the meanest things I've read.
£10 a month! Should be at least that a week.

When people borrow from family, they should treat that loan as if it was from a loan shark. In other words, pay it back on time.

As you are so ill, think about making your mother your official carer, at least then she'd get some money.

Because this is massively stopping him buying, the effect this will have on his mortgage is huge

he did it presumably to help without thinking through consequences and now it is really hitting him hard. He doesn’t want to live with them he wants to move out but he can’t

Read the OP and updates. OP says he works in finance, realised that there would be a healthy return on the value of the house, and when OP and her DH they suggested they just buy a cheaper one within their means, he insisted they buy it and provided the means to do it. And yes, he has gone back on his side of the bargain - he agreed to pay £300 a month rent, and OP hasn’t seen a penny of it. He’s paid the £400 a month while OP has been wageless but he hasn’t paid any living expenses. There’s nothing for OP to be ashamed of. He’s been abusing his sick mother and putting his own interests before hers. Who would force their own mother to sell her home in the midst of chemo treatment and coming to terms with terminal illness. I know where the shame lies, and it’s not with OP.

Because you cannot expect to take a loan from someone for your house purchase, then not pay them back and still expect a ridiculous amount of board.

Frankly there is no reason the parents shouldn’t just pay him back so he can move out and they can salvage some sort of relationship. Accepting a 20k loan off your 23 year old son and leaving him on the hook for it when the agreement was to pay him back, leaving him unable to purchase a home at such a pivotal time in his life, while also dealing with his mother dying of cancer is pretty shitty.
The dad seems to be getting off Scot free here having not taken over the loan when OP came out of work and instead leaving it to the son.

Whether it is cheap or not, the agreement isn't being upheld. Perhaps he would have made other choices had he known he would be saddled with ongoing dent repayments.
His parents need to take responsibility and do what they need to do to square their debt with their DS.

Did you agree rent would be free in lieu of paying back the loan? Did you agree rent for him to live at home? I don’t think it’s right to not pay back the 20k after borrowing it and saying he owes you that in rent if that wasn’t what was agreed.

He had mostly a private education and I paid off his sports car finance two years ago.

Again this isn’t relevant to the loan terms? You can’t pay for private school & think your dc owe you as it’s your choice.

All due respect here, but had you had the £20k loan in your name and defaulted on repayment, you would either be with debt collectors and your credit rating tanked or been taken to court. While your son is living rent free in your house, he has a golden handcuff. He can't get a mortgage with that level of debt around his neck, he can't move in with his girlfriend and start a family, he can't move out and you are expecting him to make contributions to a household over and above what he has already committed to to get YOU YOUR house. On top of which you seem to be doing nothing about getting your house sold which you admit you need to do. Honestly get the house on the market and downsize and get rid of the financial noose around your neck and still be in with a chance of salvaging your relationship with your son.

Oh my god. His mother has cancer. He may have to delay his plans a little while, so what?

He works in finance according to OP. He should have known the impact on a mortgage application for himself. He should also have known the possible consequences of either parent becoming ill and not being able to work, given their ages. This is not all on OP.

Going against the grain here (I guess because I've been in her position) but I do feel sorry for his GF. We don't know how long they have been together, or what discussions/agreement/plans they had which have now fallen through because of this loan. I'm not convinced that she is just some casual random girl, who is sulking because he didn't buy a house. I think the more likely scenario is that it is a serious relationship, they had made plans (maybe he buys a house, they move in together, etc) and now it won't happen because he backtracked and took out the loan instead. My ex did this, he took out a loan for £9k to clear his brothers debts, and I was the bad guy for being pissed at him for doing it, even though it meant our plans had to be put on hold, especially as the brother rarely paid.

He agreed to pay £300 board, whilst his parents paid the £400 loan. You think he should be paying £300 board and the £400 loan beyond when he wanted to have moved out? Ridiculous.
People in their 60's should know better than to buy houses they cant afford and then blame their children for it.

People are missing the point - the house is going on the market, the loan will be repaid when the house is sold. Meanwhile the son is not paying any board and is eating them out of house and home.

OP your son is an abuser and controlling. Maybe you could have put the house on the market sooner, maybe there are things you could sell to pay off the loan sooner but none of that excuses his behaviour. Tell him to move out, get the house sold as soon as you can, pay off the loan and disinherit him.

If the girlfriend leaves him she's dodged a bullet.

He works in finance according to OP. He should have known the impact on a mortgage application for himself. He should also have known the possible consequences of either parent becoming ill and not being able to work, given their ages. This is not all on OP.

I don’t think it’s fair to say he should have known his parents wouldn’t pay him back

Of course he can move out what is stopping him? If he’s on the 47K people on half that leave home. In the last two He has had basically 20 K‘s worth of benefit living at home rent free.

People in their 60's should know better than to buy houses they cant afford and then blame their children for it.

Quite

@Rosscameasdoody he could've insisted all he wanted. As the adults actually buying the house, OP and her DH were the actual decision makers. If they didn't want to, they wouldn't have , especially when they couldn't afford it.

Who moves into a house they don't want because their kid says so?

I bet that conversation was a lot more two sided than OP is making it to be.

OP I will not give my opinion of his behaviour or your financial decisions as enough people have commented on that.

However a bit of practical advice.

Over the past 24 months:

• He owes you rent of £300 per month, totalling £300 x 24 = £7,200.
• For the loan repayment, a total of £9,600 has been paid, of which you contributed £3,200, meaning he has paid £6,400.

This leaves a remaining rent balance of £800 owed to you. If he continues to make the loan payments, the rent owed will balance out shortly. At that point, could you consider giving him £100 per month to maintain fairness until the house is sold? Once the sale is completed, you could settle the remaining loan balance.

In effect the son is paying the £300 agreed though plus an extra £100, it is paying off the loan his parents are no longer able to service though.
He’s still paying what he agreed, it’s simply that his parent’s debts are spiralling.
The real question is why can his 60 year old father with a 40 year career not pay the £400 loan?
Why are they expecting the son to cover the £400 shortfall?

No it isn’t at all - it is on all of them but as I said in a previous post it needs a difficult conversation and decision making and acceptance on both sides it was a mistake

@anyolddinosaur is the house going on the market though

they are all going through something awful and people don’t always act well - anger/denial are perfectly valid emotions to feel when dealing with this but ultimately not going to get anywhere other than a world more of pain and upset

Sorry to be so upfront here OP but is your cancer terminal, Stage 4?

If so, does your son know this?

If he does, he behaving very badly indeed.

I have no answers but in the short term he'd be best out of the house and renting till he can buy a house for himself.

@PiggyPigalle can you please explain what I have lied about?

How much is him living with you costing apart from the £20k loan he took out.

How long is the loan he took out for because a lot of loans have penalties for early repayment so I don’t see how he is going to repay this loan in less than 6 years at the very least

If he actually moved out, without the extra food and electricity he is costing would you be able to think more clearly and be in a better position financially

Have you sat down and gone through your expenses and worked out a plan for the short term until your insurance comes through and long term how much it costs to live in your home.

I don’t think moving to a smaller property will free up that much money as just the sheer expense of moving will swallow up equity and won’t be that much less per month in bills

Just a thought. Do you know OP how much is left on the loan and are you or your husband able to take that on, either with a loan of your own, 0% credit cards or by extending your current mortgage? I know your circumstances have changed but it may be worth exploring. Is it possible as others have said to draw down from your pension? If not all of the outstanding amount but some of it? Im so sorry you are unwell and I hope that this all gets resolved quickly to remove this pressure that you can well do without.

He did not put a gun to their head and force them to buy.

He made a suggestion for a good investment, which was a good one because as OP has said they now have a lot of equity in the home.

Why should he pay the £400 + £300 board when that was never the agreement.

The agreement was that he’d pay £300 but he’s now paying more than what was agreed because OP and her DH can’t afford it.

It would be very unfair to expect him to pay £700 a month when he’s trying to save for his own place.
OP and her DH have obviously had a lot of income coming in and they’ve lived well above their means if they didn’t have any savings.

Now I don’t think the son sounds like a great guy but equally nor does the OP