Loan outstanding to our son is causing weekly abuse

[Tiredtrudy]

I'm not sure if I'm being the unreasonable one here. We moved two years ago. Our adult son (now 25) was living in London. Our mortgage offer came up £20k short and he covered the shortfall with a loan (we had maxed out on the house due to our ages). Payments to be paid by us, and his terms were he wanted to move in to save for a house deposit. That was eighteen months ago. During that time I became seriously ill and will not recover. I'm the high earner. I'm waiting to be medically retired. These things are never quick as insurance doesn't want to pay.
He has paid nearly all the monthly payments as I've been unwaged but never given us any keep. He might buy the odd takeaway. Anything he pays for is recorded on a spreadsheet which I didn't know existed until recently.
The monthly payment is £400 the same as many friends charge their adult DC. He eats a lot. He earns more than his father who is in his 60s and still working to keep a roof over our heads. We also have a younger DC at home who is at a local University.
Things have come to head as he wants to buy this spring. I haven't been able to confirm if I can give him this money back then. He is now forcing us to sell our home (which we do need to due for mobility reasons). We have equity in the house to repay him and move to a smaller property.
I'm now expected to give full weekly updates on our finances and any accessible work options I might be applying for. If I don't give him this information he flys into a rage screaming at me and telling me I've ruined his life.
The payments he has made are less than 10% of his take home pay.
He had mostly a private education and I paid off his sports car finance two years ago. He's never offered to take that off 'the bill'.
My DH has told him I'm ill and when the house is sold he can have his money. It doesn't seem to be enough. My husband things he's a privileged brat.
To punish us he refused to attend a family party at the weekend. Yesterday he shouted at me for an hour. I was crying. It turns out he had promised his GF a house last year. She was going to leave him as this hasn't happened.
Due to my health I am barely able to walk. I can't just go and work in a shop or warehouse. He does stay with his GF a couple of days a week and we all breathe a sigh of relief. I'm not frightened of him but he is so nasty to me. I don't know what to do.

Like DS, she should have been aware of the risk at the time. If you read the OP’s updates they did say they would buy a smaller house but DS is in finance and insisted that they buy their present home - clearly saw a profit. So he’s been instrumental in all of this and is now throwing teddy out of the pram because it hasn’t been planned properly. If he knew buying his own property was on the cards why did he agree to it ? Unless his GF was kept in the dark she has no reason to be annoyed - and they’re both treating his mothers’ cancer as nothing more than an inconvenience and a barrier to their own plans. That’s disgusting.

Even if one of them developed a serious illness? No understanding, no sympathy? Just money back no delays because you might have to wait a year?

The loan is a debt that would affect his ability to borrow for a mortage. Rent does not do that.

If the son was to move out, the loan (which looks like it won’t be paid by OP) will remain his debt and he’ll need to pay it on top of other bills. He would not need to continue to pay rent.

And the son did something nice to benefit his DM and the agreement was he would benefit out of it too and would be looking for houses with his GF now. That’s no longer happening and now his moving out is delayed (which by the sounds of it neither party in this actually wants anyway).

I wonder if it was a council house that OP bought ( cheap and below market price) hence OP not being able to get a proper mortgage for full amount?

Most older people would have paid a mortgage off, rather than looking to get a new one, and SURELY there would have been life cover on it?

God, you're unkind about his girlfriend and a total untruth.

How could your son have his own house when you have 20 grand of his money?
His buying a property was obviously for the future, as not only was he living in yours to save up, it would take 5 years to repay his loan.

People wasting their time when you tell such porkies.

Adult children cannot "insist" their parents buy any home. Just like OP and DH didn't have to take him up on the apparent offer. It's not the DS or his girlfriend who have gone back on their side of the bargain. Grown ups in their 60's shouldn't be borrowing money from their children to pay for houses they can't afford. I would be ashamed of myself if I put my child in this position.

He is frustrated because his future is now on pause.

He is frustrated because he wanted to buy a home and potentially get married and start TTC and now that timeline has gone out of the window.

He is frustrated that you and DH have both worked in what sounds like very good careers which paid for private schooling but don’t have any spare savings for if anything were to happen to one of you (which it has).

He is frustrated that one of you losing your job was a potential problem (like it is for anyone) and you can’t afford to even pay £400 a month.

He is frustrated that you obviously live well above your means and always have.

He is frustrated that you need to sell your home but haven’t done it yet.

He is frustrated that you are throwing private education and money that you’ve gifted him back in his face and now act like he owes you something.

And most importantly he is frustrated that his mum is very poorly.

His behaviour is completely unacceptable but his frustration is understandable.

What are you and DH doing to resolve the issue?

You say you need to sell your home, it would give him his money back and so why isn’t this being done?

Is it because you don’t want to let go of the big house in the posh neighbourhood?

@MistletoeAndWine123 you are repeatly asking about the £300 rent. He agreed to pay it. I agreed to pay the loan of £400.i paid £3200 before I became ill. The difference woukd be £100 a month if he had paid us anything. He hasn't.

You’ve clearly got a twisted view of what actually happened. The son wasn’t good enough to offer them a loan . He wanted an interest in the house. He’s been living rent free, ridiculous it would cost at least £1200 a month to have his own place and pay for his own food. He’s been living like a teenager on 47K a year. There is no relationship if he’s abusive to his sick mother.

He's getting that money back. He's not out of pocket.

But he works in finance. He should have known that the loan would impact on any mortgage he wanted himself. He’s living rent free and paying £400 for the loan - that’s a lot less than most people pay in rent, and he’s getting everything provided for him. He’s forcing the sale of the house out from under his parents while his mother is undergoing a fresh round of chemo and trying to come to terms with terminal illness. OP offered to buy a cheaper house within their means and he insisted they go for their present house, providing the means for them to do it - at the very least they should all have considered the consequences of unemployment or illness before the loan was taken out.

So you and DH can’t afford to pay the extra £100 between you?

At the moment he is out of pocket.

So if I understand this correctly you originally agreed to cover the monthly loan payments of £400 whilst your ds agreed to pay £300 keep. The reality is he has paid the £400 but paid no keep so after two years he is £2400 down on the original agreement that he suggested, not a huge amount compared with what you have been dealing with in terms of your illness. How much was the car loan you paid off for him? I think you should work out all the figures and present them to him. Also point out that the stress he is causing you is detrimental to your recovery.

But you said in your OP that his terms for the loan were that he could move in while he was saving for a deposit? So you're saying you agreed he could move in but pay £300?

Is he still living at the house? You say he spends nights at his GFs?

If he is till living at home... Have you paid the £100 per month difference for the loan? Surely you can cover this at least?

He has been paying the loan for almost a year then. Why isn’t your DH paying it? If you can’t work the obvious next payer is your DH. At his age and with a small mortgage it should be completely feasible for him to continue with the £400 payment.

I do not understand why so many people are identifying with this sanctimonious son.
To put the house on the market now when the OP is about to enter chemotherapy again would be absolutely awful thoughtless. He needs to stop paying his own way either move out or start paying £800 a month for bed and board.

When?

That is what he’s frustrated about.

The plan was to move out in the spring with that money but it doesn’t seem like he’s going to be able to now.

If OP said the house was on the market already then he’s BU to keep on.

But if the house hasn’t even been put up for sale yet and it’s almost January, then it’s completely understandable why he keeps on about it.

He’s not forcing the sale, though. It’s actually the case that OP can’t afford the house without his contribution.

Would you really accept 20k from your son like that to purchase a house he has no stake in? I’m baffled any parent would really accept that and then blame the child when things go wrong for not properly thinking the situation through.

@Iwanttoliveonamountain a loan won’t give an interest in the house

@Tiredtrudy whst do you actually want - because you need to decide that and really make choices

That hundred it would be you, owing him.

You say this behaviour is a recent development. In the year and a bit before it, have there been any conversations as to what will be happening? Have you and your DH been proactive into sorting it? What was your reaction when he started bringing it up? Were you reassuring and actively looking at things or non committal and dismissive and "we'll see" ? Has your DH been insulting to him? Have you countered his arguments with "but we paid for this and that"?

Please explain how he's out of pocket? An adult living in London for 400 a month. No bills, food or rent. It's outrageous that people are defending him here.

They are all culpable of entering a batshit financial arrangement, but IMO the parents have greater life expereince and could always have said no to the son's harebrained suggestion.

The loan will impact his abilty to get a mortgage. When I last got a mortgage I had £1000 on my creditcard (use for dental fees) my lender demanded to know what it was for and that it was paid off before they agreed to lend us the money.

I have a dear friend who, with her brother, helped their feckless father out on several occasions in their 20s and early 30s. When her dad got into financial trouble in the 90s and it looked as if the parent's home would be repossessed and her parents made homeless, she paid for a 30% share in the house to bail them out. Her brother also paid 30%. As a result she and her brother were unable to afford to buy homes of their own till they were in their 40s and are still paying off their mortgages in their 60s. The mother, now 90, continues to live in the original house and they still pay 30% of maintenance bills in order to keep the house in a decent condition. My friend and her brother both bitterly regret the decision. If they hadn't given their parents their savings they could both have had much more secure and comfortable lives.

OP has said that they need to sell the home.

They cannot afford it now and need one that is more suitable for her medical needs.

Selling the home is the priority because they’re struggling financially and physically.