Loan outstanding to our son is causing weekly abuse

[Tiredtrudy]

I'm not sure if I'm being the unreasonable one here. We moved two years ago. Our adult son (now 25) was living in London. Our mortgage offer came up £20k short and he covered the shortfall with a loan (we had maxed out on the house due to our ages). Payments to be paid by us, and his terms were he wanted to move in to save for a house deposit. That was eighteen months ago. During that time I became seriously ill and will not recover. I'm the high earner. I'm waiting to be medically retired. These things are never quick as insurance doesn't want to pay.
He has paid nearly all the monthly payments as I've been unwaged but never given us any keep. He might buy the odd takeaway. Anything he pays for is recorded on a spreadsheet which I didn't know existed until recently.
The monthly payment is £400 the same as many friends charge their adult DC. He eats a lot. He earns more than his father who is in his 60s and still working to keep a roof over our heads. We also have a younger DC at home who is at a local University.
Things have come to head as he wants to buy this spring. I haven't been able to confirm if I can give him this money back then. He is now forcing us to sell our home (which we do need to due for mobility reasons). We have equity in the house to repay him and move to a smaller property.
I'm now expected to give full weekly updates on our finances and any accessible work options I might be applying for. If I don't give him this information he flys into a rage screaming at me and telling me I've ruined his life.
The payments he has made are less than 10% of his take home pay.
He had mostly a private education and I paid off his sports car finance two years ago. He's never offered to take that off 'the bill'.
My DH has told him I'm ill and when the house is sold he can have his money. It doesn't seem to be enough. My husband things he's a privileged brat.
To punish us he refused to attend a family party at the weekend. Yesterday he shouted at me for an hour. I was crying. It turns out he had promised his GF a house last year. She was going to leave him as this hasn't happened.
Due to my health I am barely able to walk. I can't just go and work in a shop or warehouse. He does stay with his GF a couple of days a week and we all breathe a sigh of relief. I'm not frightened of him but he is so nasty to me. I don't know what to do.

Create your own spreadsheet with monthly rent, the car loan that you paid off and anything else you have paid for and give that to him.

Crikey OP why oh why are you putting up with this? Throw him out he is abusive and totally disrespectful. I have young adult children and can't imagine a world where they would treat me like this. Stop facilitating it and show him the door.

@LuckysDadsHat I am tempted by the spreadsheet!
I remember a song I think called no charge, my mother used it on me when I was a teenager. It was basically all the things you do for your DC with no charge.

@Ohshutupsimonyoutwat i do think he's abusive. My BFF said this to me recently. It's embarrassing as he was such a lovely kid. I was feeling sorry for the GF until I found out she didn't visit this Christmas due to him not getting his house. One for flouncers corner.

Has your DS paid the entire mortgage during this time you've been ill? Not just asked for his loan repayments back?
If so it sounds like you just can't afford this house ? What would have happened if he hadn't lived with you?

How is the house ownership divided up, is there a charge on the mortgage in his name?

He has not paid the mortgage, we have.
He has paid the loan.

Honestly he does sound abusive!

But he's also down 20k (I understand about private school + the car, but if the loan was agreed to be paid back it's different, you can't suddenly add up past spending that wasn't a loan to offset it) and stuck paying all of the monthly payments? Are we talking mortgage, council tax, gas / electricity etc?

If you kicked him out, who would pay for everything?

Well this is a mess. You should never have got your son involved in the financing of your home, total recipe for disaster but here we are. Is there any way your dh could take out a personal loan (Tesco / Sainsbury’s have cheap ish one’s at low interest) so that you could pay him back now and then pay the loan back when you sell the house? Your son sounds very immature and irresponsible. Owning his own home is going to be a good learning curve for him!

We pay for everything. He has just paid the loan.

Do you mean he has 20k debt in his name, rather than yours? Your OP makes it sound like he's given you 20k he had saved.

I can totally understand his position if he's got a 20k loan in his name and he's paying £400 a month for it, you've not paid anything towards it and now he has this huge liability in his name that will stop him getting a mortgage and moving out.

Getting a loan out in his name for you would have been a huge deal - he's probably absolutely panicking he's going to be paying this £20k off forever! Doesn't mean he can shout and scream, but honesty he's in a bit of a predicament too now.

He is behaving awfully. I would be very clear that he is never to shout at you, to demand insight into your finances although as a curtesy you will keep him updated on the house sale.

and when it was sorted and unless he really changed, I would make sure he never got another penny and would update my will accordingly. I feel like that might be the only lesson the little arse would feel.

What were the terms of the loan? What were the terms under which he was to live in the house?

OK Ive reread the OP. I think if you can somehow pay the mortgage (is that the 400pm?) then tell him to leave. He is just a creditor with an unsecured lian to you so he can get in line and wait for repayment lije any other creditor would. Sell the house and repay him. Where he lives is not your problem. You originally agreed to let him lodge eith you. Not abuse you. So the original agreement has been voided by his behavior.

??

So he pays no rent or for his food?

I’d suggest you sell the house asap pay off the loan and live separately. The arrangement that you have could only work with everyone on good terms . I’m surprised you got the mortgage company to agree to it.

Does the mortgage lender know he has a financial interest in the house, is there a charge under his name on the mortgage?

Normally lenders want to know where the deposit funds are coming from

Sit him down calmly and try to reason with him calmly. Is the house on the market?. Give him a concrete plan!. I can understand why he is upset but he needs to control himself. Tell him you are selling the house and will pay him immediately it's sold. Tell him you understand where he is coming from but if he continues to abuse you, you will have to kick him out. How much was the sports car payment?

I’m in a similar situation with my mother. I owe her £1000 as years ago she offered to help me with a debt I had a repayment plan paid off half (was £2000 total) then fell extremely ill . She’s bullied me ever since made me tell her all incoming and outgoings and I pay £10 a month she’s told everyone we know I stole off her ! She also had family items worth a lot meant to be for me and my sisters but gave them my items I said does the value of those come off what I owe? She said no. She literally doesn’t care that I have a serious degenerative diagnosis

Its really unclear what your arrnagement is, were you meant to be paying the loan payments to him to pay off his debt?

What a mess. The way he’s behaving is not
ok, but i can also see his frustration given that he lent you £20k. I’m confused about what you said about monthly payments- did he take out a £20k personal loan in order to fund your house purchase? I can imagine that he must feel pretty desperate about the situation and as if he’s now stuck with a load of personal debt, no rights over the house and no prospect of getting his money back. He’s being an arse about it but I do have some sympathy for his situation.

You can’t afford to stay where you are so get your house on the market asap.

He's being unpleasant but as a mature couple, you bought a house you couldn't afford and tapped up your son in his early 20s for the shortfall and haven't been paying him back? Totally toxic.

Sell the house, repay your son. The relationship I imagine is broken beyond repair. One's children aren't economic units of production.

If I am reading it right hr isn’t forcing you to sell you cannot afford it. He is under halfway through paying a loan to bridge a mortgage for your house and you still want extra

you cannot afford it at all selling us your only option

This and the way you speak about it is quite manipulative too, “we paid for private school and a car loan” we all pay for our children within our means, they don’t owe it back to us at some stage in the future.

You making him responsible for your debt without any previous discussion on the matter is what is causing this rift. You holding back his life from starting by him having an outstanding debt when he wants to apply for a mortgage. You have made your own personal problem, being very ill which I am very sorry about for you, into his problem. That is very presumptuous of you, that he should be ok with that.

However all that said his behaviour is appalling and he needs to leave if he keeps doing it.

He made a deal with you - he took on the financial burden of a £20K loan so that you could buy a particular house.

His terms were that he lived there to save money and that you paid the loan back.

You have failed to keep to the terms of this - you have not paid the loan back.

Yes, he's behaving badly, but so are you.

Sell the house you could never afford and pay him back.

Lending money to family doesn't go well.

You have ruined his life? Like you deliberately set out to become disabled and get a lifelong serious illness? It is your life that has been ruined.