Loan outstanding to our son is causing weekly abuse

[Tiredtrudy]

I'm not sure if I'm being the unreasonable one here. We moved two years ago. Our adult son (now 25) was living in London. Our mortgage offer came up £20k short and he covered the shortfall with a loan (we had maxed out on the house due to our ages). Payments to be paid by us, and his terms were he wanted to move in to save for a house deposit. That was eighteen months ago. During that time I became seriously ill and will not recover. I'm the high earner. I'm waiting to be medically retired. These things are never quick as insurance doesn't want to pay.
He has paid nearly all the monthly payments as I've been unwaged but never given us any keep. He might buy the odd takeaway. Anything he pays for is recorded on a spreadsheet which I didn't know existed until recently.
The monthly payment is £400 the same as many friends charge their adult DC. He eats a lot. He earns more than his father who is in his 60s and still working to keep a roof over our heads. We also have a younger DC at home who is at a local University.
Things have come to head as he wants to buy this spring. I haven't been able to confirm if I can give him this money back then. He is now forcing us to sell our home (which we do need to due for mobility reasons). We have equity in the house to repay him and move to a smaller property.
I'm now expected to give full weekly updates on our finances and any accessible work options I might be applying for. If I don't give him this information he flys into a rage screaming at me and telling me I've ruined his life.
The payments he has made are less than 10% of his take home pay.
He had mostly a private education and I paid off his sports car finance two years ago. He's never offered to take that off 'the bill'.
My DH has told him I'm ill and when the house is sold he can have his money. It doesn't seem to be enough. My husband things he's a privileged brat.
To punish us he refused to attend a family party at the weekend. Yesterday he shouted at me for an hour. I was crying. It turns out he had promised his GF a house last year. She was going to leave him as this hasn't happened.
Due to my health I am barely able to walk. I can't just go and work in a shop or warehouse. He does stay with his GF a couple of days a week and we all breathe a sigh of relief. I'm not frightened of him but he is so nasty to me. I don't know what to do.

Reading this thread, I’ve never been so happy to be poor.

On a more serious note - the payments for board and the loan are separate issues.

If you agreed he could live with you to save his own deposit, there’s no board due. There is however a £20k loan needs repaying that I wouldn’t dream of asking someone else to take out for me to begin with.

Sell up, give him what’s owed, and move on.

A very young adult was pressured into taking out a massive loan… that was terrible parenting.

He needs to move out and he needs his loan repaying. The OP should take out another to pay it off, the son should leave, this should all happen immediately.

She should never have bought that house in the first place if she couldn’t afford it.

The screaming etc is terrible - but the financial wrong needs to be put right or else this family can’t recover.

He is abusive and dangerous.
I'd quietly record his behaviour if possible with some kind of hidden camera, a few incidences of it, then serve him eviction papers. Again, quietly record the encounter as he will kick off. You can then involve the police if he does.

I'm sorry. He sounds spoiled and entitled and clearly thinks he's better than everyone else. Suspect his private education and 'friends' feed this attitude.

Is he on the deeds, if not he cannot force a sale nor can he get a charge on the property without going through the courts, first getting a CCJ then going from there, it would cost him a bit to do - he could take you to court for the repayment of the loan and if you offered £10 a week the court would likely accept that.

Did you tell the mortgage co you were borrowing the additional £20k? This is another potential problem if not, and I find it hard to believe that you did and they were fine with it.

You need to unwind this whole set up as soon as you can. Repay your son and find a house you can afford.

I'm not following this.

Your DS took out a 20K loan at 25 - in return was supposed to move in and pay the loan and £300 for rent and board? But is only paying the 20 K loan repayments.

I have no idea why you'd get your young DS involved in buying a house you clearly couldn't afford - most parents don't do that. Also don't get why you gave him money to pay his car off and other money gifts but then need him to take out a loan.

He should't be behaving like a dick to you but I wonder if he really worried this loan of his will be conveniently forgotten - maybe he just need reassurance or paying back asap.

If you can't work first thing to do is cut costs so downsizing or have a plan to pay off - so looking to sell house and clear debts - including ones incurred on your behalf - so you can enjoy what time is left without souring all your relationships.

OP isnt answering any of these sorts of questions, Ive asked repeatedly about the mortgage situation and whether the house is up for sale

I am not surprised your son is angry. He has every right to be.

What were you thinking of? He is very young, sounds like he is doing well in life with a good job and a steady girlfriend, both looking forward to the future together.

Then you come along and ask him to take out a £20k loan for you. Absolutely outrageous. He should have told you no but obviously he was put in a very awkward situation.

Since then you have totally failed to keep your side of the bargain and are trying to wheedle out of your debts by bringing up things you bought your son in the past. This is completely irrelevant.

You have crossed boundaries that should not have been crossed and it all sounds horrendous for your son.
You must pay him back and if he has any sense, once you've done that he will run for the hills.

Will you get a lump sum payment from your pension?

Take the equity out of the house and pay him back. This is all so messy and unnecessary.

There's unlikely to be be any/ much equity. House prices peaked in many areas in 2022 and in some places such as the SE they have stagnated or even fallen.

She won’t be able to get a loan, clearly. Maxed out on mortgage, decreased income, increasing age.

So your DS took out a loan so you could buy a house you cant afford? And now you're pissed because he wants to be paid back so he can buy his own house?
He's paying £400 a month, he's not living with you for free. He's being pulled in all directions and you're not taking any responsibility for your role in his circumstances.
Sell up and buy something smaller.

Because two of them bought a house they couldn’t afford.

I’d usually be far more sympathetic, but doesn’t that just smack of privilege. I can’t afford this big house/in this area, but I want it enough to ask my own young son to fund it.

Used to a certain lifestyle that actually isn’t affordable maybe, but the son is the one hard done by here. There’s no excuse for abusing your parents, but they should never have asked.

No I think it is due to a lack of financial planning and overspending when times were good leaving nothing when times are bad

These are exactly the things I cannot understand. Who takes on a mortgage they cannot actually afford when they're 60-ish? And why was it so important to buy this new (unaffordable) house?

I'm 66 and my partner and I have been mortgage-free for more than 17 years now. We live in a modest house which is more than big and nice enough for our needs. I encourage everyone in a position to do so to do this.

What the hell? He’s rightly angry.

Bollocks.

@Pluvia not if they sold somewhere before and just moved to somewhere more mobility friendly
Our sellers sold our 3 bed semi to us and bought a 3 bed bungalow 5 mins away and needed to take a mortgage on to do so

if they did just buy it new that is again a red financial flag

@infestedsharks I'm intrigued by the part the DH plays as well.

Is the DH his Dad?

Does your DH pressure you by vilifying your son behind the son's back.

But he doesn't say anything much to the son.

The DH doesn't seem to earn much money.
Who's idea was it to ask the son for a loan?

It all seems to be the son's fault.

What part has DH played in this. He's also culpable as a father asking his son to get a loan.
The DH is ignoring that part too by focusing on telling the son how mean and bad he is.

Is the house on the market yet?

Is your DH your DS father?

What the hell? He’s rightly angry.

Eh? He's not paying any more than the agreement and hes not covering his keep?

The agreement was he would give them the £20k loan and he would pay it back, in return with living in said house for free.

There is likely to be a reason why he is wanting to buy in the spring. From reading your post it looks like the deal was that you made the loan payments and he could like rent free and save. You have not been able to repay the loan so he has been doing this. It looks like you would now like him to contribute to household costs. He is asking you questions about the future which you don't feel able to answer (such as when your early retirement funds will come). It is understandable that he is frustrated. It is not Ok for him to be abusive. There may be some serious communication challenges here. I agree with earlier posters that you should seek to repay his funds as soon as possible to enable him to get his own property. Hopefully your relationship can repair in the long run