I’m not good enough for my partners parents and I’m not sure how to handle it.

[Fortheloveofaboy]

It’s been going on for years now. Funny little comments, ignoring me and really just keeping me at the edge of the family. Last night again a comment about how my partner (their son) has only started swearing since meeting me and I’ve been a bad influence…queue everyone laughing but me as usual. I’ve brought this up to my partner who has spoken to them numerous times and the consensus is that Im just too sensitive. I can think of many reasons why they don’t think I’m good enough but I don’t judge people or myself I just treat everyone with love and respect. But I’m really struggling now and not sure what to do.

Has anyone else just had in-laws who think they aren’t good enough? Nothing I have done has changed there mind. I’ve tried inviting them over and taking them out and making them cakes with the kids and this and that. I shouldn’t have to prove myself but I’ve pretty much done enough I think. It’s not working. What would you do?

We have 2 young kids and then are good with them if we go over but they will never visit in our house and if they absolutely have to it will always be when I am at work so they don’t have to see me. It’s getting me down as really I’m not a monster at all and get on fine with other family and friends.

Rise above and don’t seek out their company op, you can do better

It’s so hard because they are all close and my partner wants to see them often and I try and make excuses now but it’s not nice feeling being like this. They so close distance wise also. I feel like the bad apple or something, feels awful.

One sibling has a partner and kids and they are all welcomed and one is single and lives far away so not that close.

As a man now in my 40s I have seen these situations all my life e.g. early in my own situation, extended family, relatives, friends and society in general. Being a parent myself, I would like my kids to make the best relationship choices and be happy in life. However, the choice remains theirs. Rightly or wrongly, parents use some indicators to try and judge whether their son or daughter is capable of making the right relationship choices and then relax/become content;

1. Their Independence and maturity from young age to adulthood
2. How they deal with difficult situations etc

The common denominator is your partner and you need to step back and reflect what indicators communication and behavioural wise does he project about nature of your relationship to them? Positve vs negative? With two kids and a family life your partner is past stage of talking and negotiating your place in the family. He needs to be assertive show parents your the choice his made and there is no other Julie, Vicky, Sam etc daughter in law options like haribos that they need to wait and hope for. Your it

This is my issue. He has spoken to them but they deny it and still make no effort. He keeps wanting me to sit in this situation and feel awful. They basically want someone else and I think wouldn’t bat an eye if we split. I am a little bit older than him by six years and I absolutely know that they would not have chosen me for him but it’s not something I have control over. They have said in not so many words that I have somehow tapped him, like he doesn’t have the maturity to have deliberately chosen me. We are late 30’s, early 40’s now.

What I find odd with the comments about swearing is why is this my fault? If he can’t stop swearing and is finding it hard with 2 small kids being naughty then that is surely on him isn’t it?

He loves you and they can fuck off.

It’s actually quite patronising to your DH that they think he’s so easily “influenced”.

Fuck them off I bet your husband is their golden boy is he the youngest ? U r not gonna appease them if they want to be so spiteful that they don’t come to u saves you having to host them. Stop people pleasing get harder tell your soft husband that they are not to talk to you like that don’t come telling you what shit they have said about you. In fact you should tell your husband to grow the fuck up and stand up to them it’s either them or the little family he has because they sound like arses and you sound very sweet

My PILs are not that keen on me, and have never hidden their fondness for DH’s girlfriend before me, whom they’d have preferred him to marry (understandably, as she’s far more their type of person). It’s never bothered me in the slightest.

You can’t force people to like you. It sounds like you’ve put time and effort into trying to improve the relationship but nothing has changed. You need to stop caring so much about what they think of you. I know that’s easier to say than do but that old quote comes to mind - no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. You sound perfectly nice to me and it seems very unfair that someone like you, who actively wants a good relationship with her ILs, has ended up with ILs who aren’t interested in having a good relationship with her. Whatever their reasons, their feelings about you are their problem, not yours. Don’t put it onto yourself to try to fix things. Step back emotionally and stick to being civil and nothing more.

I understand the visceral anger that these sort of dynamics bring up in families. But its human nature to want to belong and be liked especially by in-laws. I know couples who are 17 years into their marriage with two kids but still DIL and MIL hate each other with passion e.g. openly call each other sluts etc. Its exhausting and like it or not those type of conflicts do and will grind down the couples relationship. Not everyone has the natural skillset and confidence to positively deal with such family conflicts. However, once the cat is out of the bag the partner has to develop self awareness of the reality and upskill very quickly to deal with these situations. People don't have to like each other but modicum of respect and being civil is not negotiable. Where disrespect rears its ugly head either from other half or in-laws the parter must consistently nip it in the bud right there.

Same here, dont think anyone would ever be good enough in my MIL eyes. Think she just wants him back to mother as he is the only one that will listen to her as his dad just looks in sheer panic all the time 🫠

It's not fair and you don't have to be around it.

Your partner has given them an opportunity to change but they're still choosing to behave in a way that is distressing you. That's on them. Your partner can't control it.

You can both decide what to do next. Your partner still feels like he wants to be close to them despite the way they're treating you. That's understandable to an extent because they're the only parents he has and he loves them. Asking him to drop them would drive a wedge between you and probably make him more unhappy than the current situation makes you.

However he also a responsibility to make choices that minimise the impact on you. He has done what he can so far, trying to change his parents' behaviour. And you have done what you can, trying to win their approval and putting up with feeling upset. You've both acted as best you can on the other's behalf but unfortunately it's not working because the others aren't playing along.

You're now going to have to find a compromise that works for both of you since the default position is benefiting only your partner and hurting you. If you were able to rise above it and not let it get to you, that would be nice but perhaps that's not possible. No one has the right to expect that of you or ask you to be around people who aren't respectful to you.

So perhaps you agree that he sees them alone more often. Maybe that doesn't work because it cuts too much into precious family time so maybe you both agree that he sees them less and this is just a consequence of their treatment of you. Maybe you move away but agree to visit regularly so he knows he will have chunks of time with them and you will be mostly free of the situation.

You need to think about what you want, what you feel he'll be able to do and then have a sensible conversation that starts with acknowledging that neither of you are the problem here, looking at what has been tried and how you're feeling now.

My son in law is much older than my daughter and she earns much more. Would I have chosen him? No not my choice. But they have made a loving family and a child and he behaves very well and is kind, friendly and respectful. I treat him exactly the same as any son- in law and will do so absent any unkindness or abuse. Not my life not my choice. Just tell your other half you refuse to visit and he can tell them why . Spineless idiot

It's a dynamic in lots of families unfortunately. A close relative told me her MIL told her she conceded the relative had made a good wife for her son "after all" - this was 10+ years after they'd married! And an ex of mine's mum never thought I was good enough for them, we never got on. She thinks no-one will ever be good enough, which has made a dissatisfied adult flitting from relationship to relationship.

My mil is like this for years and it as horrible. She likes me now but sadly too late to repair the damage. I used to be sad about it but an older woman told me I was lovely and nothing I would ever do would make it better. She was right!

I would stop trying. I was in a similar situation it did improve but they moved further away so visits were few and far between. Their son was amazing and could do no wrong. Even his siblings joked about it. His mum was quite bitchy. Anything negative to do with the kids was my fault. Never their son. We divorced eventually and it’s lovely!

Since they don’t care about your feelings I’d start responding without thinking about theirs.

So if there is a comment about him swearing just straight up ask how is that my fault that your son swears?

For comments like the sewing, I know it’s ridiculous that a grown man has only just learned basic skills!

Everything they say either turn it around like that or ask them to clarify because if it is an insult to you they won’t want to actually say that that is what they are saying.

Your husband is also a problem here though. He should be calling them out in the moment.

He keeps wanting me to sit in this situation and feel awful.

He has chosen them over you.
He could have decided to not visit as often. Or to only go wo you.
Instead he wants you to put up with crap treatment instead. All because it’s easier for him (and he can brushed it under the carpet and ignore it by assuming it’s clearly you being too sensitive)
That’s not being caring in anyway.
Nor is it showing any emotional maturity (His parents might be right there albeit fur different reasons they wouldn’t like!).

How to cope with it?
You don’t go.You don’t make excuses but very clearly tell your DP that you’re going to be treated appallingly anymore. His parents don’t want to change. Fine. You don’t have to go there and smile.

And you keep a close eye on how often he choses the easy way out/his parents over you.

Yep, his swearing, his responsibility.
Youre not his mum there to police the way he speaks.
And he is an adult that should have been taught to not ‘follow the wrong crowd’ And that’s on them as his parents.

Stop trying so hard and just be yourself. If they don't like you, fine, avoid spending time with them as much as possible. Tell your partner why. He shouldn't expect you to spend time with them if they treat you badly. You can't change their behaviour but you can change your response. Don't just sit there and take it if they're directly rude to you. For instance, with the swearing comments, I would have said he's a grown man and responsible for his own behaviour - surely they don't think he's so weak that he's influenced by you?

They don't sound good enough for you. What dreadful people.

I'd avoid where you can and say to your husband that you will start taking rhe children when they can treat you nicely. Your husband needs to stand up for you, it's not good for your children seeing you put down and thinking that is the norm.

Stop putting yourself through this and tell him straight you are going NC. He can see them, take kids to see them - whatever, but you don’t have to sit and be the butt of jokes and feel like crap when they are around.
free yourself and make boundaries - it’s on them to change not you. Tell your dh and mean it.

No more trying your best for them .
You're not going to win them over , so from now on, be yourself, warts, and all .
They have absolutely no right to judge you .
Rise above them and live your best life with your husband and children

This sort of treatment from in-laws can be very wearing and upsetting.
I experienced this in my first marriage and ended up telling my then husband that I would be longer be visiting his parents. I’d never try and stop him going but he’d be on his own.

if they came to our house, I excused myself, left the room and didn’t return.
Suggested nights out - I was unavailable.
I also screened calls and any from PIL were left for my ex to deal with.

I stuck to it and behaviour changed very quickly. I think they took me much more seriously afterwards and I was certainly happier, as was my ex.

You could have fun with this and put the ball back in your court.

Do they think you don't speak well? I'd be dropping 'h's all over the shop.

Too scruffy? Beat up your scruffiest clothes and wear them.

Too fat? Wear a fat suit.

Too thin? Make yourself look more gaunt.

How dare they!