I’m not good enough for my partners parents and I’m not sure how to handle it.

[Fortheloveofaboy]

It’s been going on for years now. Funny little comments, ignoring me and really just keeping me at the edge of the family. Last night again a comment about how my partner (their son) has only started swearing since meeting me and I’ve been a bad influence…queue everyone laughing but me as usual. I’ve brought this up to my partner who has spoken to them numerous times and the consensus is that Im just too sensitive. I can think of many reasons why they don’t think I’m good enough but I don’t judge people or myself I just treat everyone with love and respect. But I’m really struggling now and not sure what to do.

Has anyone else just had in-laws who think they aren’t good enough? Nothing I have done has changed there mind. I’ve tried inviting them over and taking them out and making them cakes with the kids and this and that. I shouldn’t have to prove myself but I’ve pretty much done enough I think. It’s not working. What would you do?

We have 2 young kids and then are good with them if we go over but they will never visit in our house and if they absolutely have to it will always be when I am at work so they don’t have to see me. It’s getting me down as really I’m not a monster at all and get on fine with other family and friends.

He is really lovely and kind man, he has many many good qualities. I have a lot of compassion. But I find that this behaviour is quite poisonous. I do agree spineless is very harsh, he is unconscious maybe. The poison has a way of spreading through him onto me and the kids.

Maybe painting an image of your parenting goal being children who are strong independent adults, and discussing how they will become this is a way to get him to see that, while this hasn't happened with him, he needs to get to the bottom of that so he can avoid passing it on.

Maybe that's optimistic, but I think the scales need to fall from his eyes and what will make the penny drop might be something like picturing this being the pattern for the next generation.

His fear of making a decision without his parents endorsement must run deep in his formative years. He may genuinely feel that it would be impossible to be any other way... How can he find hope or faith that this may not be set in stone?

I just tell him that if we make a mistake then so be it. It doesn’t prove it right that we should have listened to his parents which is how they word it to him. I really try and encourage him. It’s almost like he has no internal voice of his own. Even an ego where he thinks he can do something even if he really can’t. I suppose constant repetition but his mum is always in his ear on the phone all day long. It’s like trying not to eat donuts but all there is around you to eat is donuts.

That's really awful. Poor guy. So infantilised!!

Sounds like you're being really supportive but while your words are very true, and empowering... they won't 'feel' true to him.

He's probably going to need more than verbal encouragement to break free of that. That's assuming he'll ever want to. Or whether it would be like a pp said where it took her DH's parents dying and then more time before he could see it for what it was.

I hope he can get there, he sounds like a remarkable guy to not have taken on the critical attitude of his family and to have remained curious and outward looking despite the way they are... Maybe that made them tighten their grip all the more as he grew, he was the one most likely to break free?

His grandparents have always said they he was the most social of the children and the one they liked spending time with the most. He’s had his own friends whereas the other siblings don’t. I think it has helped him having friends and hobbies outside of his family. The rest are all connected having the same hobbies that they all meet and do together.

Well that is certainly very telling isn't it.

I hope you can both inch your way to a time when he can action his own capabilities without that automatic check in.

I think he needs to understand his own situation though as they'll resist and want to reel him back in. They'll undermine his efforts if they can. They like having him on a leash!

I feel like the way forward is like you mentioned. To make sure I teach our children and show our children what a healthy relationship looks like. It is up to him whether it exposes any cracks in his own relationship with his parents. I’m not going to start brining it up as I’m pretty sure I will be demonised as he’s doesn’t see an issue. Perhaps if he sees different parenting it might make him think hang on what happened here.

Sounds wise.

If he isn't even at the point of realising what see saw he's on then you trying to force him to believe there's a problem will most likely backfire.

I'd look at that development stages link and make sure you are ready to give your kids what they need, so you can counter balance this example they are seeing.

At least the understanding you've had here can make you feel you aren't going mad and maybe even give you a dispassionate arms length attitude as you watch it play out like a TV show with a predictable plot.