I’m not good enough for my partners parents and I’m not sure how to handle it.

[Fortheloveofaboy]

It’s been going on for years now. Funny little comments, ignoring me and really just keeping me at the edge of the family. Last night again a comment about how my partner (their son) has only started swearing since meeting me and I’ve been a bad influence…queue everyone laughing but me as usual. I’ve brought this up to my partner who has spoken to them numerous times and the consensus is that Im just too sensitive. I can think of many reasons why they don’t think I’m good enough but I don’t judge people or myself I just treat everyone with love and respect. But I’m really struggling now and not sure what to do.

Has anyone else just had in-laws who think they aren’t good enough? Nothing I have done has changed there mind. I’ve tried inviting them over and taking them out and making them cakes with the kids and this and that. I shouldn’t have to prove myself but I’ve pretty much done enough I think. It’s not working. What would you do?

We have 2 young kids and then are good with them if we go over but they will never visit in our house and if they absolutely have to it will always be when I am at work so they don’t have to see me. It’s getting me down as really I’m not a monster at all and get on fine with other family and friends.

I often sit feeling a little cringe. The dad especially talks to him like he is 12 years old and incapable of having any opinions of his own. It irritates me that they assume that I have 100% control over him. They base our relationship on me controlling him when I do not. They think he’s with me because I somehow have trapped him. For what I don’t know. They should be proud of him. He is one of few people I’ve met who is completely unjudgmental. What you see is what you get, he doesn’t hold a past against anyone. Perhaps they believe he is incapable and gullible, I don’t know.

I'd just step back from it all and stop trying so hard.

When someone already dislikes you, increased effort on your part to win them over only increases their contempt for you.

You're better than that.

@GreyCarpet I know, I’ve stepped back physically about as far as I can go. What I find hurtful is this narrative they are telling people about me and my intentions. I know I can’t make them see me differently but they are spreading it amongst the family. Lots still are warm to us so I hope that they can see me differently. My own family are just not like this, no one talks about anyone apart form good things they’ve done or just basic info passing.

I often sit feeling a little cringe. The dad especially talks to him like he is 12 years old and incapable of having any opinions of his own. It irritates me that they assume that I have 100% control over him. They base our relationship on me controlling him when I do not. They think he’s with me because I somehow have trapped him. For what I don’t know. They should be proud of him. He is one of few people I’ve met who is completely unjudgmental. What you see is what you get, he doesn’t hold a past against anyone. Perhaps they believe he is incapable and gullible, I don’t know.

I've been with my DH for nearly 30years. So much of this thread chimes with me. I had this with my PILS in the first 15 years, and my DH would say and do nothing to defend me and also get stressed and anxious.

It was awful at the time, and looking back now with the wisdom of age, I honestly don't know how I got through it or why I stayed in the relationship - because it ate at me and really made me miserable.

I think a previous PP makes a very good point. You inherit the relationship they had with their son. I've only recently worked out my DH might be ADD, and I think he spent years as a child frustrating his family and effectively being 'managed' by them. When I came along, his inability to get it together to visit them became my fault, rather than him being him. I also had to tolerate being 'managed' like he was. DH had a lot of baggage that robbed him of the skills he needed to support me.

Very recently DH commented on something in the past and it was like a penny dropped for him, and he actually said "Oh dear, that was really not good ". But his father is now dead and his mother in a care home, so it's taken years of no influence for him to grow and us to be free of it. It's only now he can see it.

My advice - especially with hindsight - is remove yourself from these situations. You don't have to go, your DH deals with his family. Establish boundaries and just try to ignore them. Yes, it will piss them off. But fuck them.

The other thing we did was move, so it became harder to visit as often as they wanted etc. Harder to make demands. It was a really good decision.

@crankychristmas I feel exactly the part when you said he doesn’t have the skills to support you. Mine has all the physical skills, he can work and do holidays etc but emotionally there is very little there. I don’t think he has been allowed to grow his emotional intelligence at all. Mine has mostly had to grow from the school of hard knocks as I wasn’t exactly shown as a child but I’ve learned a lot over the years.

I think the mum is very controlling and probably deep down afraid of loosing her grip. Which is stupid because she could have expanded those she loves instead of trying to hold on. But as you say it is what it is. I have given it a good shot and I come to the conclusion of just staying away as much as possible. They can’t help but make remarks at me.

OP you are good enough , for your Husband , for your children , for your friends. You sound very kind and obviously care greatly about the people you love.
Your ILs are controlling idiots.
Stop trying to please them . Talk to your H , he needs to stop enabling them . He needs to take the children to see his parents alone . But you are no longer prepared to put up with their passive aggressive bs and be belittled by them .
Draw a line OP and stand firm

We’ve already argued a little this morning because every single decision he msgs his parents for their answer. Literally down to which size screw do we need to do this. It’s everything, where to go on holiday etc etc. I just said can’t we figure out the right size screw by ourselves. If it’s wrong then so be it. It’s like he either needs their decision or he thinks their answer is the better one. It’s annoying me.

The conditioning is strong isn't it.

I really feel for you both.

His (perceived) helplessness and dependence is not going to help the dynamic though.

I'd approach this from an angle of trying to understand how he has got to this point and can he see it isn't healthy and how can he establish his own identity away from their approval.

If he can see it, he may worry that being his own man will rock the boat, bit he could reset the relationship so that it is still warm and loving.

Sounds deeply undrained though so I suspect this is going to take some very good books/therapy for him to be able to start to rewrite the script.

My friend had this, the finest daughter in law you could want but still not good enough for MIL’s little Prince and painted as running his life, taking him away etc . She was a couple of years older too, perhaps a factor.
She bit the bullet, perhaps thinking about relationship with the kids and took a different tack and killed the bitch with kindness. Invitations and drove her to events (think art gallery and lunch, drinks and theatre, park and coffee with kids) without the rest of the family just her sympathetic friends including me , so chance to sing DH praises emphasising his career moves, DIY, bigged up his parenting etc in general conversation backed up by me and a couple of friends. MIL did codfish faces and nodded a lot. Friend said events gave them common ground for chat afterwards. It served to somehow reset things.
Try and feel sorry for MiL. Don’t give her the power. She knows DH is on to a good thing and feels threatened. Christmas can be intense. Going forward smile and take control. DH reaction is disappointing but not a deal breaker. Have them over to you in mixed company, assert yourself at their place, take stuff for them to do with the kids and breeze over it all. Smile and do as you like.

Something happened at the beginning of the year. We had a leak and we discussed it and he had no answers other than to call his parents to get an answer. I had my own idea which we went along with. The mum became very vocal about how wrong my idea was and I “Should” do what they said. I still went along with my own way which went perfectly fine. My partner was so uneasy about not doing the parents way. The mum was furious with me and made some not nice comments.

It was a that point I stepped back because she got quite nasty and derogatory about my choice. I can see how he has got to be like this. Any other parent would be praising independent thinking and solving things by themselves. I just couldn’t understand why they behave like this.

@Fortheloveofaboy I had this too. I remember going on holiday with him in the early years and spending neatly an entire day once, trying to find a phone so he could call his family. I hadn't occurred to me to call mine because they knew we were away on holiday.

I once came back after spending Christmas with my family, to find his eldest sister had rearranged my lounge furniture in my absence. Because it was 'his' house and they were so used to controlling him it didn't occur to them this was grotesque. But it really magnified how irrelevant I was to them.

We were never involved in family plans for events. His parents and sisters decided everything and we'd just be told this is happening on x date in this way, and I would be expected to just go along with it, and judged if I didn't.

Birthdays were so shit. DH was obligated to see them on his no matter what. We could never spend the day as a couple. When that extended to me being expected to also accommodate them on mine I put my foot down. And I made damn sure, when we had DC, that our children's actual birthdays were for us alone, making time for his family on a weekend before or after.

I understand more now why my DH was incapable of dealing with it, but I don't think I've ever fully forgiven him. He was quite pathetic and wet. It really made me deeply unhappy and affected my self-esteem. What DH really wanted was for me to do what he did: suck it up, go with the flow, basically do what I was told. It was suffocating.

Interesting - he can't remember a lot of these details. I think because being managed was so normal to him that none of this was stand out shocking. Either that or he feels ashamed or is still in denial.

Also, if it's any reassurance, things dramatically improved with the absence of his parents. I now love my SIL and her DH. Before, I think his parent's views had strong influence there too.

Honestly, my best advice is establish some hard boundaries and be inflexible. Tell your DH what they are and don't budge. Your DH will stand by and watch you bend and struggle to fit in until you break. Because that takes the pressure off him.

Also ... move house further away. He'll stand a better chance of growing up if his parents aren't around to constantly infantilise him.

My fil and his gf are like this. She seemingly hates me because I’m married to DH and share the “family” Last name. She and fil make jokes at my expense all the time. I call them on it im
too sensitive. Can’t take a joke.

latest is that she told a lot of people that I have three months to live. (Breast cancer diagnosis in august). But it was just a “joke” #fuckinghilarious

I no longer see them.

@crankychristmas explains why I’ve had a hard time with them as like most people I’m not up for being controlled. I’ve got my own mind.

What's your partners response to this situation?

Something happened at the beginning of the year. We had a leak and we discussed it and he had no answers other than to call his parents to get an answer. I had my own idea which we went along with. The mum became very vocal about how wrong my idea was and I “Should” do what they said.

This is like telling me how my furniture should be arranged.

One of my hard boundaries would be that agrees to stop calling his parents for advice on something that affects both of you, unless you have agreed to it beforehand.

Stuff that is only relevant to him - that's on him.

But you refuse for them to have any 'controlling' influence in your home and how you make your decisions at home. He needs to respect that.

They won't know he's not calling them so you can point it that this is a no-braver because it won't cause conflict.

Remind him you married him, not his parents. Your personal family decisions are with him, not his parents.

He becomes quite anxious and outwardly distressed and usually will blame me.

I'm sorry, OP. Your problem isn't your in-laws. Your problem is you have a spineless partner who expects you to put up with whatever suits his comfort

You are not his priority

They won't know he's not calling them so you can point it that this is a no-braver because it won't cause conflict.

this may be the greatest typo ever!

Really what I came back to say is that OP’s dh has, indeed, been conditioned or trained like a dog. In pavlov’s experiment after training to associate the bell with food the dogs begin salivating at the sound of the bell even if no food is present.

OP’s dh begins feeling anxious when a decision needs to be made snd his anxiety only ends when he has transferred the decision to his parents. At that point he can relax.If he can’t reach them he will probably be very indecisive, anxious, snd may have a panic attack over the anxiety or the fear of making the wrong choice or their anger.

In order to end this cycle he needs to become aware of it, decide to end it, snd learn to increase his distress tolerance past the previous point at which he would usually crumble and call them. Good therapy, with someone with experience of addiction, or CBT with someone used to dealing with anxiety might work. He has to rewire his brain to manage and then diminish his anxiety.

This is exactly how it feels. Maybe perhaps why he has chosen me as I find decisions quite easy really. It’s just a process of thinking and then going “fuck it” and doing what you want lol!

I wonder is this the parents doing because they are really very annoyed with people who don’t go with their opinion. I family member very recently went against their advice about a car and they were really quite snooty and rude about it. I simply said that at the end of the day people go with what they want to and your parents opinions are not facts. I have said this to his parents before. I appreciate the advice for example re the kids but I want to do it a different way.

You may eventually have success by breaking his conditioning. Draw up two lists: personal vs public and help him see that most decisions that a husband and wife might make fall into a private sphere while others might be shared with outsiders.

Sex life
fertility
children’s issues
garden
house
urgent
health

These are all decisions that get made in the circle of your immediate family (you, him, your children, people you hire or consult with)

Other decisions might include his family and their opinions:

Where do we have Christmas lunch
who is bringing grandma to the event
what time should we arrive

Since his family are involved they might be consulted on these matters.

draw two circles and where they iverlap is where he can consult them. Where they don’t overlap is your zone of privacy. If he gets anxious and doesn’t know what to do work out a plan for him to gain confidence in his choices.

What is his conditioning? His parents must always be centre of his world and they are never wrong? I think I read something before about enmeshment. It’s such a shame he doesn’t have more faith in himself because he really is very capable but seems unable to form and independent views about anything really.

Yes: his family are enmeshed and have crippled him intellectually and emotionally in order to keep control of him. If you look up Erikson’s stages of development you will see that st certain key stages he failed to develop independence and self confidence. He needs to develop these now.the task is basically the same: he needs to learn to assess situations, make decisions, and accept and tolerate failures in outcome. He can get better at this the more practice he gets.

www.simplypsychology.org/wp-content/uploads/psychosocial-stages-1.png

God knows why he chose me. And I worry they will be divisive because I have no interest in being controlled. I’m cast as the outcast and I’m happy to do my own thing but I worry he will feel pulled and will start to cast me as the issue. I can see it already.

Well he chose you because he loved you and because you have all the qualities he lacks. And he didn’t have enough insight into his family situation and upbringing to realize that a dog can’t have two masters. He thought his family would just absorb you, and you would let yourself be absorbed.

If you want to keep him think about how to raise this issue to a conscious level and get him to agree to wean himself away from his family. If you can’t get his agreement he will never do it. Even if you can’t get his agreement it will be hard. Read up on toxic families and immature adults, because that is what you are dealing with.

I think calling someone spineless in this situation is so unfair.
Most people would struggle to recognise where their behaviour is innately theirs, reasonable under any circumstances, or, caused by the norms of their upbringing which are out of line with a healthy dynamic... Until the assumptions you operate by are challenged in some way and then that recognition may come if your eyes are opened the right way.

Op's DH has not yet begun to see that he is trapped in a dance and it doesn't have to be this way.

It is quite clear from the examples op has given; comments from some wider family members, and the families utter failure to adjust or respond to normal pleasant overtures from her, that these people are very fixed and woe betide anyone who doesn't centre them in outlook and importance.

We all take time to throw off unhelpful childhood legacies, I'm late 40's and my own process has been gradual but I'm getting there, I've come a loooong way.

Even then, that change can only be made with recognition it would be beneficial and often with support in whatever form (partner, books, therapist etc).

Op, it is exasperating but I think @pikkumyy77 advice is spot on and offers a way forward.