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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m not good enough for my partners parents and I’m not sure how to handle it.

133 replies

Fortheloveofaboy · 29/12/2024 10:40

It’s been going on for years now. Funny little comments, ignoring me and really just keeping me at the edge of the family. Last night again a comment about how my partner (their son) has only started swearing since meeting me and I’ve been a bad influence…queue everyone laughing but me as usual. I’ve brought this up to my partner who has spoken to them numerous times and the consensus is that Im just too sensitive. I can think of many reasons why they don’t think I’m good enough but I don’t judge people or myself I just treat everyone with love and respect. But I’m really struggling now and not sure what to do.

Has anyone else just had in-laws who think they aren’t good enough? Nothing I have done has changed there mind. I’ve tried inviting them over and taking them out and making them cakes with the kids and this and that. I shouldn’t have to prove myself but I’ve pretty much done enough I think. It’s not working. What would you do?

We have 2 young kids and then are good with them if we go over but they will never visit in our house and if they absolutely have to it will always be when I am at work so they don’t have to see me. It’s getting me down as really I’m not a monster at all and get on fine with other family and friends.

OP posts:
Brombat · 30/12/2024 14:55

Let him be free.

Trust him to make a sensible choice.

The best thing about my DH is how objective he is about family dynamics.

Ladybyrd · 30/12/2024 15:05

@Fortheloveofaboy In my family, I'm the one who is ganged up on and derided. It seems to make DM and DB feel better about themselves (this is a 50 year old man who still lives with his parents, so I'm really not sure how much their approval means to me). DM was talking about my aunt and how her partner had a "hissy fit" because they were all sitting around mocking the aunt and he not only refused to join in, but stood up for her. I just remember thinking wtf, of course he did. How dysfunctional is this family? I see I've inhered the aunt's role and it's a tradition they intend to continue. Or it would be, if I allowed it. I developed a new habit of saying, with a very straight face, "what do you mean?" every time they started taking the piss out of me. This quickly became a lot less frequent. I've also come to appreciate the need for self preservation and not putting myself in those situations in the first place, and certainly not setting aside the most important days of the year to put up with that crap.

Original poster
Fortheloveofaboy · 30/12/2024 15:10

I’ve invited over a friend with young kids to play with ours instead tomorrow evening. Although it will be messier it will be much more enjoyable and I don’t have to sit feeling awkward.

OP posts:
Mumlaplomb · 30/12/2024 15:17

OP just don’t go and see them as often. Explain to your partner you are fed up of the snide comments/lack of inclusion and don’t feel comfortable with them. I had problems with some of my in-laws for a while who were pretty frosty to me, and in the end just dramatically reduced contact. You don’t have to keep trying with people who aren’t being kind or welcoming.

romdowa · 30/12/2024 16:44

My inlaws absolutely hate me even though I was the one who coordinated their visits and kept them up to date on their grandson. They still couldn't stop with the passive aggressive comments and the nasty comments about my country. I finally had enough and stood up to them , they stormed out and I haven't heard from them since. Dh wanted nothing to do with them for a long time and in hindsight I should have listened to him. I will never have contact with those people again , any contact now is up to dh

TheDogHasFarted · 30/12/2024 16:47

I had a similar experience with my in laws, in particular, with my father in law. My husband hero worshipped his parents and would never stick up for me and I gritted my teeth, and put up with it, thinking I was being supportive of my husband in his relationship with his parents.
What a mug!! I bitterly regret this now. If I had my time again, I would have refused to spend any time with them and told my husband why. Father in law is dead now so I don't have this bullying behaviour anymore, but I've been in a long marriage of 27 years putting up with it before the father in law died, so don't make my mistake!
Put yourself first and if they can't be civil to you, don't spend any time with them.

pimplebum · 30/12/2024 16:56

some of my family have made up their minds about my wife
it’s been 10 years now and there is literally nothing whatsoever she can do to change their minds
she copes by limiting her time with them
for example she will meet up one in three occasions, always big events like weddings funerals but casual meet up she often finds she has. “ hospital appointments “ work commitments “ or some such
also she has no problem creating the awkward moments if she was told the swearing comment she would wait for the laughter to die down then say something that created an awkward pause “ Margaret why am I responsible for a grown man’s swearing ? PAUSE……
Never stop creating that awkward silence
and sit in the silence and do not laugh anything off

it will never change, ever

HoundsOfHelfire · 30/12/2024 17:00

Pavlov's dogs. Every time they are horrid go no contact for three weeks or a month. Just you. DH will have to visit them alone. Once the month is up try visiting again. Repeat repeat repeat.

This worked with my in-laws.

Original poster
Fortheloveofaboy · 30/12/2024 17:01

It’s really sad that they feel the need to do this. It’s like being at school all over again. I wonder if my partner didn’t initiate contact how much he would actually receive. Perhaps just a token invite here and there. They certainly don’t change plans or make plans that fit around us in the first place. Sad.

OP posts:
Lighteningstrikes · 30/12/2024 17:10

Is your DP too scared to stand-up for you?

He doesn’t have to be confrontational, he just needs to cleverly let them know, each and every time they have a dig, that he’s very clearly clocked it. A subtle shake of the head and a ‘oh no here we go again,’ type comment.

I’d say to your DP, you’ve got one more chance to enforce the above, and if he doesn’t, you won’t be going around there ever again to be bullied in front of your DCs.

They’re doing it because they’re getting away with it.

Snorlaxo · 30/12/2024 17:15

Your only choice is to accept that they don’t like you and stop trying. Accept that nothing that you do or say will change their opinion of you. Detach emotionally and tell your h that you’ve had enough and won’t offer yourself to be bullied by them anymore.

It will take time but leaving your h and his family to it is the best way forward for everyone.

FuriousPoodle · 30/12/2024 17:22

I wonder if my partner didn’t initiate contact how much he would actually receive

I think you need to stop taking this as a personal rejection. You said they barely visited him and he made all the effort. It’s not necessarily right or wrong, it’s just how they are.

Why did you expect that to change when you came along?

pikkumyy77 · 30/12/2024 17:40

HoundsOfHelfire · 30/12/2024 17:00

Pavlov's dogs. Every time they are horrid go no contact for three weeks or a month. Just you. DH will have to visit them alone. Once the month is up try visiting again. Repeat repeat repeat.

This worked with my in-laws.

Love your nym! So appropriate! This is also a principle of game theory and of transactional analysis. Respond cordially to cordiality, and swiftly and with double force to insult.

So make up your mind which typical rude remark you will respond to and get up instantly and say “Right, that’s enough of that. I will be back next year (month, quarter) to see if you can have learned to treat me right.” Then go away for a year. Next time when they start again double the punishment. Don’t negotiate it or give them a list of dos and donts—they will just rules lawyer you to death. If they start whining “ but what did we dooooooooo? Just say “you were rude” and walk out.

Original poster
Fortheloveofaboy · 30/12/2024 21:31

Why are they behaving like this? I’ve never been treated badly in a relationship prior by parents. Do they just not believe I’m good enough for him? I’ve done ok, owned the majority of my house before him. I’m with him because we both just get on really well. We aren’t perfect but it works well. I’m not the person who they keep insinuating that I am.

OP posts:
Brombat · 30/12/2024 21:36

They have their perception of you and nothing will change that probably.

It really is their problem. Your problem is navigating this with your DH.

I can totally recommend "Toxic In-laws" by Susan Forward, wish I'd read it years ago.

pikkumyy77 · 30/12/2024 21:43

You can’t know why because its not rational or dact based. They don’t like you necayse tgey dont like you. Be suse if them not because of you.

Gymmum82 · 30/12/2024 21:52

I think you just need to stop giving a shit and stop trying.
My inlaws don’t particularly like me, I’m not bothered. I used to make an effort with them, now I don’t. Sometimes I’ll visit. Sometimes I won’t and he’ll go on his own. Ironically since I stopped caring they are actually better towards me.
Or maybe after 16 years they’ve just decided I’m not going anywhere. Either way if you don’t care you’ll feel happier

Ladybyrd · 30/12/2024 22:12

HoundsOfHelfire · 30/12/2024 17:00

Pavlov's dogs. Every time they are horrid go no contact for three weeks or a month. Just you. DH will have to visit them alone. Once the month is up try visiting again. Repeat repeat repeat.

This worked with my in-laws.

Is it ok to do that with your own family? Asking for a friend.

custardpyjamas · 31/12/2024 07:51

You should go together to the dinner and truly be together (present a united front), if anything is said that you don't like you should counter it together DH taking the lead. DH should say 'that's not fair', 'that's not strictly true' and you should smile and nod in agreement, all in a very friendly this is how families chat together way, no raised voices just banter. If they get upset just laugh, sorry didn't mean to upset anyone just keeping the record straight, then deflect the conversation how is aunty Jane after her op...

Porcuporpoise · 31/12/2024 08:09

Fortheloveofaboy · 30/12/2024 21:31

Why are they behaving like this? I’ve never been treated badly in a relationship prior by parents. Do they just not believe I’m good enough for him? I’ve done ok, owned the majority of my house before him. I’m with him because we both just get on really well. We aren’t perfect but it works well. I’m not the person who they keep insinuating that I am.

You are wasting far too much headspace on these people.

They don't like you. I doubt it's personal in the sense that they are unlikely to like anyone who allows their son to develop a life away from their control.

They love their son conditionally - as long as he does what he's told - but they don't respect him and if he didn't dance to their tune it's unlikely they'd have much time for him either. Deep down he knows this.

I suggest you avoid them as much as possible, keep the kids away from them as much as possible and concentrate on your nuclear family.

Loopytiles · 31/12/2024 08:15

This is now primarily a DP problem.

It doesn’t matter why they do these things, they’re behaviour towards you, and therefore the DC too, is crap, and your DP is treating you badly by not addressing it and prioritising them over you and the DC.

WomenInConstruction · 31/12/2024 09:23

Fortheloveofaboy · 30/12/2024 21:31

Why are they behaving like this? I’ve never been treated badly in a relationship prior by parents. Do they just not believe I’m good enough for him? I’ve done ok, owned the majority of my house before him. I’m with him because we both just get on really well. We aren’t perfect but it works well. I’m not the person who they keep insinuating that I am.

They're like this because they are unpleasant people.

Much more about what's going on in their heads than any quality of yours. With the possible exception that if you don't plug into their toxic dynamic you expose it for what it is and that's a threat... But that's a compliment not an insult.

But this isn't nice people disapproving of a bad match for their darling son.

It's shitty people disliking an influence that doesn't fall in line with their complex of woven shite.

Original poster
Fortheloveofaboy · 31/12/2024 09:33

WomenInConstruction · 31/12/2024 09:23

They're like this because they are unpleasant people.

Much more about what's going on in their heads than any quality of yours. With the possible exception that if you don't plug into their toxic dynamic you expose it for what it is and that's a threat... But that's a compliment not an insult.

But this isn't nice people disapproving of a bad match for their darling son.

It's shitty people disliking an influence that doesn't fall in line with their complex of woven shite.

Show quote history

That makes sense. I am different. Moved away for a long time from the little place they’ve never left, studied art, very different to them. I think I’ve been a bit of a fool coming along thinking that we will all be accepted. Their son is not like them. We are very different in our jobs and the fact he’s never left his hometown but his outlook is nice. He doesn’t think he is better than anyone, he’s very accepting of people and very sociable and very likable. He has no pretence and that’s what drew me to him, you get what you see and I love that because that’s me also.

OP posts:
Bluebellyhedge · 31/12/2024 09:41

Unfortunately i think a lot of mils like to blame their dils for anything they don't like in their ds.

It's painful to be the dil. The only solution is for your dh to step up and talk to his dm.

My mil has actively told my dh to leave me, has been really horrible to me and sometimes even to our ds. However she's now elderly and frail and its a very weird dynamic where I could choose to be a bitch back as the power has shifted. I'm not actually. It's just not me.

Shmee1988 · 31/12/2024 09:42

I would call them out on it. Not in a nasty, confrontational way but in a calm, gentle way. Just you and your MIL maybe, tell her that it's obvious she doesn't really like you, remind her of the effort you've made and that you love her son and vice versa. Ask her why she doesn't like you and if you've ever done anything that you're unaware of to make her feel that way. Ask her if anything you ever do will enough for her to accept you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Bullies never expect to be called out but often shrivel up when they are. One of two things will happen, she will either change and accept you and be nice or she won't, which she isn't now so you've nothing to lose. At least you can stop trying if she says her feelings are not changing.