I’m not good enough for my partners parents and I’m not sure how to handle it.

[Fortheloveofaboy]

It’s been going on for years now. Funny little comments, ignoring me and really just keeping me at the edge of the family. Last night again a comment about how my partner (their son) has only started swearing since meeting me and I’ve been a bad influence…queue everyone laughing but me as usual. I’ve brought this up to my partner who has spoken to them numerous times and the consensus is that Im just too sensitive. I can think of many reasons why they don’t think I’m good enough but I don’t judge people or myself I just treat everyone with love and respect. But I’m really struggling now and not sure what to do.

Has anyone else just had in-laws who think they aren’t good enough? Nothing I have done has changed there mind. I’ve tried inviting them over and taking them out and making them cakes with the kids and this and that. I shouldn’t have to prove myself but I’ve pretty much done enough I think. It’s not working. What would you do?

We have 2 young kids and then are good with them if we go over but they will never visit in our house and if they absolutely have to it will always be when I am at work so they don’t have to see me. It’s getting me down as really I’m not a monster at all and get on fine with other family and friends.

He is a wet lettuce when it comes to his parents and you need to stop trying re these people. His inertia when it comes to them hurts him as much as you. You can only change how you react to them.

If he wants to maintain a relationship with them he can go there on his own.

Do not see them going forward and keep the kids away from them too because it does them no favours for their nan and grandad to keep disrespecting you as their mum. Kids really do pick up on such things.

This is their problem not yours. Your husband chose you to be his wife and they should respect that. They are being equally unkind to him by their snide comments and unwelcoming ways.
If your husband can’t see this all you can do is limit your contact with his family wherever you can and consider yourself lucky that they don’t want to visit you in your home if only because it saves you the trouble of pandering to their expectations of hospitality. On the occasions you do choose to visit them try not to dwell on their comments and behaviour.
In a sense it’s lucky that you aren’t me - I’m what people would say is a typical red head despite being far from that now and I know absolutely that their comment about swearing would not have gone unchallenged which presumably would have provided them with more evidence about my unsuitability.
If you and your husband have an otherwise happy relationship I don’t think it’s worth causing anymore of an issue about the way his family treat you . He has spoken to them and they don’t see the problem - they will never change.

has only started swearing since meeting me and I’ve been a bad influence

"Really? Isn't that funny. My parents say exactly the same thing about me."

You are not obliged to put up with their bad behaviour. I woudn't waste my time trying to get them to like you. It's a them issue not you. I would cut back on the get togethers and when they're rude to you, cut them short, make it obvious you're unhappy. Also, your partner needs to take a firmer stance and stick up for you.

I had this with my MIL and SIL from my ex husband's family from day one. They wanted him to marry his ex, who he called off the wedding to before he met me.

I had to call my MIL Mrs X for years and my SIL was simply a nasty bastard.

You just have to crack on, going NC as much as possible OP and if they mock you ask them to repeat it.

Rest assured, I have had the last laugh X

This is the problem when I have spoken up. They just label me a trouble maker and that I want special treatment or I’m trying to force a gap between them. I feel like I’m being squeezed out. Anything I say just reinforces this.

They have invited us over for new years dinner. As much as I want to be included it won’t be the nice family meal that I hope for. I’ll sit and feel completely ganged up on. I want to say no but I know they’ve already been getting at him that I’m being deliberately awkward and trying to force a wedge. I am not. In the beginning it was me who always suggested we pop over and have tea so we could build a reputation. Now I don’t make this suggestion nothing much happens. I feel bad for him but I’ve tried and it makes me feel rubbish.

You can’t feel responsible for your DP’d behaviour towards his parents.
If he can’t be bothered to contact them, that’s on him.
If his parents can’t see this is on him (surely it has just reverted back to how things were before you met him), then it’s on them.

What you can do is to look after yourself and ensure you’re not the one taking the flack got everyone else.
Have a chat either way your DP.
Tell him you don’t want to go. HE can decide if he wants to go and spend NYE with his parents or not. And HE can talk to them.

Before me he was the one visiting them constantly. He has said that they visited his flat 2 times in 6 years, it never bothered him. I think he is used to having to do the work and he normalises this. I on the other do not. If you can’t make the effort to visit us then I can’t either. Obviously only counts for well people who drive no problems to other people.

Don’t care at all about “forcing a wedge”—what a stupid accusation. Stop pussyfooting around your dh. Be honest snd blunt and impersonal.

“DH your family treats me like shit on their shoe and openly root for our marriage to fail so I leave and you can get someone more to their taste. I don’t enjoy it. Obviously! Who would? I won’t go over until your parents genuinely welcome me for who I am. If they can’t, I won’t.”

Stop negotiating against yourself and trying to avoid hurting dh’s fee fees. If he doesn’t see or hear what they are doing he’s a fool. If he doesn’t “believe” you or minimizes the impact on you he isn’t a good husband.

I don’t think this is about you at all. You said yourself that before you came along your partner made all the effort and they rarely visited. You’ve inherited his status within the family and they’re going to treat you like they treat him.

It really isn’t on that your partner wants you to sit in the situation. But I’m not surprised because while you are, it becomes about how they treat you, when actually it’s about how they treat him.

Stop going. Don’t be a part of it. Tell him not to tell you if there’s been comments about causing a wedge. Because the distance was there before you came along. Don’t allow him, or them, to scapegoat you about their dynamic.

My in laws were snobby about me the first few years. MIL didn't like that I didn't go to a public school, didn't have an 'impressive' job and that I grew up in an ordinary suburb, not a suburb that was sort of intellectual and bohemian and she thought I was trying to marry up. I just rolled my eyes and laughed about it as our upbringings were actually really similar and I knew I didn't have any less 'class' than his family!

MIL tried to set DH up with a public school educated City career girl early on in our relationship....

But at the same time it did upset and frustrate me - I hate not getting on with people and I'm used to people normally liking me ok so I did for a while fantasise about sitting MIL down and telling her actually I wasn't a bad thing.

In the end they dropped the snobbery once we got engaged. But basically all you can do is hold your head up, and avoid them where possible.

This is a very good way of looking at the situation. And from this perspective he is using OP as a meat shield—since for once the parents are treating him as desirable and an insider vs OP as sn outsider. If he is the scapegoat or perhaps the forgotten or invisible child he may (unconsciously) enjoy the feeling that both OP and his parents are, in some sense, fighting over him.

A corollary to this is that when OP refuses to play her part in the family drama, as if a planet were to vanish from our solar system, everything will torque in new ways and bits of the old system will crash and conflict as the gravitational forces are destabilized. So without OP to draw fire her DH may go back to being a scapegoat. Women often find that if they refuse to be the meat shield their husbands stop insisting on trips back to the homestead as the reality is actually quite painful without you to draw fire.

My DH's aunty has just said to me (after 30 years, as I've been complaining of something similar) "well, you were never going to be good enough...".

It is what it is. He can visit them as much as he likes but you don't need to be putting up with snidy comments.

Time passes and you'll end up ok. Control what you can control and leave them simmer on being irritated.

The "you're too sensitive" is a distraction to put you off complaining.

You need to stop visiting them. Your DH should be sticking up for you every time, but he isn't so don't go. Are your children picking up on their dislike for you? If they are, please limit the amount of time they spend with your kids.

Your dh needs to call them out every single time. Tell them to treat you with respect. Get up and leave every time it happens. Ask them to leave if it happens at your house.

There is no other way.

I often felt like you OP until my mum who had just had a stroke said is HE good enough for you changed just how I felt about myself 🥰

My parents were like this about my husband initially. I cut contact with them for a while over it and eventually they saw over time how happy my husband makes me and they ended up apologising to him for how they treated us and in particular him. Your partner needs to stick up for you more

They're shitty people. Why are you wasting energy trying to make shitty people like you?
Drop the rope. Make your new years resolution to only put your energy where it is deserved. You can't control what other people think of you, but you can control how you react to them, so that's where to focus your energies going forward.
Start with you and the kids not going to the lunch, with or without an excuse. What's the worst that can happen, they say something rude about you? They're going to do that anyway because they're shitty. Your partner then has a choice to either spend time with the woman he loves, or people who are consistently rude to and about her. Again, you can't control his actions but you can control your own reactions to his behaviour. I'd think pretty poorly of a DP whole tolerated his parents speaking about me like they do.
New year, new you who doesn't put up with this consistent rudeness any longer.

@Fortheloveofaboy id have to tell him straight and drag him to couples therapy - I don’t enjoy it. I’ve tried everything. I’m fed up of being the laughing stock and the ‘oh so funny’ little digs. I’m not making the effort anymore. I won’t put up with it anymore. They are not people I want to spend time with willingly anymore.

let him explain to the therapist in front of you why this is a you problem and you should put up and shit up for the rest of your life together….

absolutly not. I’d never continue to visit people that made me feel unwelcome and unwanted. And until HE can fully and continuously back you - I’d include him as being part of the problem for enabling it and allowing it to continue.

guarantee they’d eventually change their tune if they knew he was serious and it meant they might not see him and grandkids as often.

gooD luck.

He keeps wanting me to sit in this situation and feel awful

If you weren’t there the comments would be aimed at him and he would feel awful. Far better to nominate you as a sacrifice while he passively ignores the disrespect and comments.

Don’t let him make this into a joint problem. It’s not a “we” problem. It’s a problem they've had in the family for a long time. It’s nothing to do with you.

I think you need to discuss the decision of you going or not going with your DH so that your trains fit not being there are completely transparent to him and that will shield him from the manipulation that you're the problem.

If he things you should go to keep the peace, he should also be able to answer the question as to how much othering you are expected to take before you call it a day and withdraw from the whole charade.

I don’t think they have ever made comments about him. I don’t think he can and has ever done much wrong in their eyes.

My ex of 20 plus years, his parents never liked me, i never put a foot wrong, faithful, worked full time, had kids etc. Like you OP i was 5 years older than him and divorced.

When we got together his mother said she preferred his previous girlfriend, kicker was, when he got with her she had only just got out of prison. Couldnt compete and win against a jailbird.

He is now an ex and his family have shown their true colours, have disowned our young daughter, no birthday or Christmas cards or presents, its like she doesnt exist to them.

I don’t think they have ever made comments about him

Yes they do. You said yourself they insinuate he is a mug who got himself trapped and he’s so inept he is influenced to swear by you.

Ah yes in a round about passive way they do. They think he’s such an idiot I have him trapped.