I’m not good enough for my partners parents and I’m not sure how to handle it.

[Fortheloveofaboy]

It’s been going on for years now. Funny little comments, ignoring me and really just keeping me at the edge of the family. Last night again a comment about how my partner (their son) has only started swearing since meeting me and I’ve been a bad influence…queue everyone laughing but me as usual. I’ve brought this up to my partner who has spoken to them numerous times and the consensus is that Im just too sensitive. I can think of many reasons why they don’t think I’m good enough but I don’t judge people or myself I just treat everyone with love and respect. But I’m really struggling now and not sure what to do.

Has anyone else just had in-laws who think they aren’t good enough? Nothing I have done has changed there mind. I’ve tried inviting them over and taking them out and making them cakes with the kids and this and that. I shouldn’t have to prove myself but I’ve pretty much done enough I think. It’s not working. What would you do?

We have 2 young kids and then are good with them if we go over but they will never visit in our house and if they absolutely have to it will always be when I am at work so they don’t have to see me. It’s getting me down as really I’m not a monster at all and get on fine with other family and friends.

This makes a lot of sense. They're threatened by you because you have lived more than they have and probably know more about the world. They probably wanted their ds to marry someone just like them who never left their town.

Yes they do and they have said that they wanted a nice village girl. I’m not this, I’m me. Someone to sit and talk about what everyone in the village is doing. I’m not interested in talking about anyone.

See them as little as you can get away with. Preferably not at all. It does us no good to mix with people (friends or family) who make us feel bad about ourselves.

And you never will be..... So whatever you do you won't win that one. So don't try.

Don't initiate contact with them. Its your dhs responsibility. Go and be passive and polite but no more.

Your dh should be on your side here though. It would really bother me if he wasn't actively sticking up for you, making it clear you come as a pair and they cant just pick off the family members that they like.

@Fortheloveofaboy For "nice village girl" read "someone more malleable". This isn't your issue. It's theirs. I would put money on it, it wouldn't matter who you are, they would overstep the mark continually.

I am much more stubborn. I have brought it up with them that I don’t much like the way I’m talked to and it’s just made the whole situation worse. I am just the rotten apple, that is how I feel and that is most definitely what is being said behind my back.

They have now invited us to food tomo. Just stop inviting me if you don’t like me. If I say no again then all I do is reinforce that I am the issue.

Such a shame you're going through this. Tell hibbie he can see them as often as he want, just say you're no longer going to their house. Enjoy the time he is away with kids, treat yourself to a bath or just enjoy down time. Do make it clear they are welcome in your house anytime. That way you're not the bad one. Just not playing their games anymore at their house.

If your partner thinks you're "good enough", OP, then his parents views are irrelevant. Just get on with your life and ignore any negativity.

I know. I do feel this sense of unfairness, it doesn’t feel nice to be treated this way. To have to either sit through occasions feeling awful then going home feeling awful or saying no knowing that he will be upset and I think it will effect how he views me because he loves his family even though they are like this. Either way I feel awful really. I suppose the best thing I could do and I wish I was more confident was to just go and be completely myself and not give a shit but that’s hard.

Well OP. You have tried. It hasn’t worked. May as well have some fun with it if they are going to dislike you anyway.

You could try to laugh these digs off -they say: ‘he swears since he met you’ you say: ‘oh absolutely because I’m such a terrible potty mouth!’ Or ‘that’s funny, he told me he got the swearing from you MIL’ said with a big smile.

Or you can question every single thing they say ‘what makes you say that about me MIL? I’m interested to hear why you think that, can you explain?’

And I would have some responses like ‘oh! Wow!’ while shaking your head and ‘oh this again!’ ‘Oh blimey!’ ‘Gosh! Did you just say that to me?!’

Basically hold a mirror up to their bad behaviour.

Enjoy NYE with your friend.

💐

I have adhd and struggle with rejection sensitivity a lot, so have studied the why of this a fair bit, in order to understand why I struggle so much.

It's basically primal and it's rejection by the tribe, so you feel it on a deeper levels. There's also a smattering of hurt feelings, which apparently is also something that you can't control rationally.

There's a process tho for helping (it's Christmas, I had to remind myself after yet more meh family interactions), STAR.

Stop (before reacting), think (about the situation from various perspectives, including here), act (sit there, leave, never go, whatever works best for you and DH), recover (reflect, look after yourself, etc).

You don't have to have adhd to use this, as it's more primal brain stuff and so useful for anyone. :-)

This is why you take back control. You don't sit through those lunches etc, just don't put yourself in the situation in the first place. Accept that they will always be rude and always dislike you for not being someone else and there is nothing you can do to change that. Their loss for not letting a great woman into their lives.
If he doesn't have your back when it comes to removing yourself from such a hurtful situation then that's your real problem - the shitty in laws are peripheral. Why is it better for to to be upset about this than him? It isn't.

Your dh needs to talk to his parents.

Oh whi cares what it “reinforces”? Just say “ no, your parents treat me like shit.” They know what they are doing. Be cool and cordial but thats it if you bump into them. If anyone is crude enough to ask about the estrangement just BE BRAVE: shrug and say “theey dont like me much so I thought Id save everyone the bother.” Thats it. Stop caring about their side, their thoughts, their wants. They aren’t such idiots that they don’t know how shitty they are to you. They know! Just act for yourself and stop worrying about them. If they want to make up they know how to do that. But stop trying at all. No one respects that—they certainly don’t.

He’s not defending you as he should be.I would be very annoyed that he doesn’t have your back ever. How can he sit there and watch them make you so uncomfortable?
A decent husband would be telling them to lay off or there will be consequences.
I would be refusing to have anything to do with them. Tell him to tell them to stop inviting you to anything as you won’t be going. Sod what any of them think. Look after your own needs.

I used this today as I went along to the lunch. It was as expected but I decided to not give it much thought. Went, ate and left. I went not wanting or expecting anything and I wasn’t disappointed then.

The fact that you trying to discuss a problem in your relationship with them created more friction reels you a lot.
If someone I care about expresses unhappiness with something, I listen, consider and respond with mutual care and respect and fairness as the guiding aim...

They didn't, they just used it as fuel for the fire. So they are small moved, incurious and have a single template for 'how things are' that you don't fit.

You can't do anything about that, so just be your usual lovely self. Love your DH and regard them as people who are a poor judge of character and therefore opinions not worthy of your time.

I think I have come to the conclusion that his mum has perhaps a problem with loosing him. I think she sees me as a threat instead of another member of the family to add. I feel for him that he is piggy in the middle with women. I can’t change how she views me unfortunately as I’m pretty sure she really doesn’t want me around and would be happy with him alone and her back in control. I am a bad person in her eyes. Sad but not much I can do. I’m older and not interested in letting someone be in charge of my family and tell us what to do.

Good grasp of the situation. Now you can detach emotionally, I hope, and just deal with the situation rationally i love the STAR advice! I sometimes tell my clients to act like they are catching fire: Stop, Drop, snd Roll. Stop the interaction, Drop out of the interaction, Roll away and collect yourself. But I like STAR better.

My PILs didn't like me, I spent years beating myself up. I eventually told my parents who gave me a good talking to and made me remember my worth and basically bollocks to the PIL. I stopped visiting, stopped making an effort for them. It was wonderful. I didn't stop DH from visiting but he didn't take DC as PIL weren't child friendly. PIL have both passed away now, I went to both funerals, sat there and felt absolutely no emotion. When I walked out of the crematorium each time, I said to myself "ta ra you miserable buggers"!!

They have accused me the other day of taking him away from him family. In a way I suppose there is some truth in this. In the beginning we visited often but it has it has dwindled to only when some event is on. We visit other members of his family often because we are all welcomed and the visit is warm and friendly. I suppose I just have to suck this up because I don’t want to visit people who don’t make me welcome. He is free to go but now we are a family I suppose it’s different and he wants to go together. Certain member of his family told me a few months back that it was good he has distanced himself from his mum as she felt her children were too close. Not too sure what she meant back then but I do think she expects to still be the most important person to them.

If they outright say that, you could just calmly reply that they could always try making his wife welcome and see if that helps? 😁

Personally given what you've just said, I'd be listening more to the other family member and dropping the rope on these others. When you're there doing the right thing and showing your face, play an internal reel of a pastoral scene with some classical music over the top. 🤣

I somehow think that this will only make things worse. I’m not sure there is any way of making this better anymore. (Apart from me disappearing) It seems very set now that I am a big problem.

I wouldn't stand for this when you have kids, they are modelling abuse of you in front of them.

I'd start answering back - re swearing, I would say what a really odd thing to say as we don't swear at home.

I wouldn't get nasty with it as you are also modelling for your kids - I would say things like - did you mean to be rude or it's not polite to comment on weight. I really couldn't give a fig if it upset them or partner. In fact your partner needs not to put you in these situations.