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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend - subtly hates me?

132 replies

Helloveraa · 28/12/2024 10:19

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 months. When I met him he was so lovely and kind to me - would do anything for me. He is really friendly and nothing was ever too much for him to do for me, and I reciprocated this. He asked me to move in to his house in October.

For the last 2 weeks I’ve found myself crying in the shower or on the verge of tears when he speaks to me. Nothing I ever do it right - I told him to take some honey for his cough which he argued with for an hour but eventually took - it helped after about an hour and he stopped coughing. When I said your cough is a bit better now he said “not because of the honey” and shrugged his shoulders when I asked why he thought it was better.

There’s so many more examples but there so subtle I can’t even remember them. I mentioned it to him a few days ago saying “I’m not sure if I’m being sensitive but it seems I’m annoying you - do you wanna talk about what’s on your mind?” He just said “you’re definitely being sensitive”

he just stares at me sometimes, no emotion on his face at all. Just staring and when I smile back or anything he just carries on starting.

I bought us a meal last night and he didn’t say thank you or anything about it.

I just feel so sad and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

OP posts:
SleepyHippy3 · 28/12/2024 10:22

What you are doing wrong is that you are still together with this clearly very unpleasant man. Why are you still with him? He has shown you very clearly who he is.

Mumofnarnia · 28/12/2024 10:22

Because he’s an abuser op. Do some google research on narcissistic abuse.

Nice at first then when they know they hooked you in they turn mean with subtle put downs which gradually gets worse over the months/ years.

I cannot believe just in the last 3 days how many threads like this have been posted on MN.

HowAmYa · 28/12/2024 10:23

8 months is nothing. Finding yourself beat down to a point where you're nearly crying everyday is a massive sign you need to move the F out.

No relationship this new should be anything but laughter/sex/date nights and pure doting on each other.

TwistedWonder · 28/12/2024 10:24

Think it’s time to move back out OP . He’s showing you what life living together will be like already and it’s not a pretty picture

You moved in very quickly and probably didn’t know him very well and now you’re seeing the real him

SleepyHippy3 · 28/12/2024 10:24

What ever you do just don’t get pregnant with this man.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 28/12/2024 10:25

He sounds like a creep.

Don't ever argue or discuss anything with him. You won't get anywhere. Escape.

curious79 · 28/12/2024 10:25

Move out - life is too short.
sounds like he’s regretting bringing you into his space and lacks the balls to be open about it

Haveanaiceday · 28/12/2024 10:26

There's no point in staying with him if he makes you feel bad. You've only been together for 8 months and already it's not going that well. You have nothing to lose by leaving.

ChaToilLeam · 28/12/2024 10:26

He’s got you where he wants you and the mask has come off. Time to get out, make sure you have support.

twentysevendresses · 28/12/2024 10:26

Your first mistake was moving in with a man you barely knew. Make that the last mistake...and move out!

Mumofnarnia · 28/12/2024 10:27

He stares at you blankly with no emotion even when you smile back at him - that’s what I call the psychopathic stare.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 28/12/2024 10:27

He wishes you hadn’t moved in. I’d go!

ruddygreattiger · 28/12/2024 10:28

This is as good as it gets.
Plan to move out today fgs.

Mumofnarnia · 28/12/2024 10:28

twentysevendresses · 28/12/2024 10:26

Your first mistake was moving in with a man you barely knew. Make that the last mistake...and move out!

Yeah they only been together 8 months and they’re already living together. Let me guess this guy has rushed the relationship and was probably his idea they move in together. Typical textbook narcissistic relationship

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 28/12/2024 10:28

curious79 · 28/12/2024 10:25

Move out - life is too short.
sounds like he’s regretting bringing you into his space and lacks the balls to be open about it

This.

8 months is nothing in the grand scheme of life and absolutely not long enough to be feeling this bad. It takes longer to grow a baby fgs. Get out while you have some dignity and self respect left.

Bigredcombine · 28/12/2024 10:29

You must and should make active decisions in your life to secure your own happiness. Staying with this man will not do that.

XmasElfOnTheShelff · 28/12/2024 10:29

Trust your gut.

in a year or two you’ll have no friends, estranged from your family and either being regularly beaten up or so emotionally fucked you might as well be.

caramac04 · 28/12/2024 10:31

Please please move out OP. You will be so much more happy.
Your ‘partner’ (abuser) is a controller and his behaviour is likely to get worse. The more you put up with the more he will put on you.
A normal relationship doesn’t leave one person crying in the shower and always being wrong.
Have you anyone you can talk to, a family member or friend. I’m sure they would agree this relationship is not healthy.
Your post gave me goosebumps. Leave but don’t tell him, or have someone with you whilst you get your stuff.

Flustration · 28/12/2024 10:34

It sounds like contempt.

It almost doesn't matter what is causing it or why as things will only go downhill from here. Chalk it up to experience and move on (quickly!)

slightlydistrac · 28/12/2024 10:35

I can only echo what everyone else is saying, which is that you need to move out again, and for God's sake don't get pregnant.

Don't tell him what you are planning, just do it on the quiet and find somewhere else to live. You aren't happy, and this early on in the relationship that is a huge sign that things are very wrong.

rebmacesrevda · 28/12/2024 10:45

You need to get out as soon as possible. What you describe is part of a well-established pattern of behaviour adopted by controlling and abusive people (usually men). It only gets worse. You're probably emotionally attached because he love-bombed you in the beginning. It felt like love but it wasn't real. It was manipulation. Get out now before he completely grinds you down.

Have you got somewhere else to go? Even if it's sleeping on a friend's sofa while you look for somewhere to live, it's better than this. Please tell your friends what's going on, and let them help you get out. My friends got me out of a similar situation, and thank god they did! Good luck.

RupertCampbellBlacksEgo · 28/12/2024 10:45

Dump him without one moment more thought.
The only reason to date a man is for him to massively enhance your life, bring you peace, and make life easier and fun.
Don't date anyone until you've done a course on self esteem, raised your standards, and look into doing the Freedom course.

ChristmasKelpie · 28/12/2024 10:49

Get out now before you can't.

MyNewLife2025 · 28/12/2024 10:54

8 months in shpuld still be the honey moon phase.
Yet you’re already crying, secong guessing yourself. He’s telling you ‘you’re just too sensitive’ etc…

🚩🚩🚩

You need to move out. It’s just not working.

Loloj · 28/12/2024 10:59

To be very clear - you are doing nothing wrong here.

There is something wrong with him.

He is showing you who he is now. Leave now. If you don’t it will get worse and you will end up leaving anyway wishing you hadn’t wasted time.

This sort of man does not change - do not think you can do anything to change him. He will start to say it is something you are doing and then you will be all confused trying to work out what you need to do to improve the situation - classic abuse. He may not even realise himself that he is doing it but it is abuse nevertheless.

Dont waste any more time or energy on this man.

You will be feeling like you have somehow failed and you want things to be like how they were in the beginning. That was not the real him - that was a mask which has now slipped. The person you met in the beginning does not exist.