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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend - subtly hates me?

132 replies

Helloveraa · 28/12/2024 10:19

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 months. When I met him he was so lovely and kind to me - would do anything for me. He is really friendly and nothing was ever too much for him to do for me, and I reciprocated this. He asked me to move in to his house in October.

For the last 2 weeks I’ve found myself crying in the shower or on the verge of tears when he speaks to me. Nothing I ever do it right - I told him to take some honey for his cough which he argued with for an hour but eventually took - it helped after about an hour and he stopped coughing. When I said your cough is a bit better now he said “not because of the honey” and shrugged his shoulders when I asked why he thought it was better.

There’s so many more examples but there so subtle I can’t even remember them. I mentioned it to him a few days ago saying “I’m not sure if I’m being sensitive but it seems I’m annoying you - do you wanna talk about what’s on your mind?” He just said “you’re definitely being sensitive”

he just stares at me sometimes, no emotion on his face at all. Just staring and when I smile back or anything he just carries on starting.

I bought us a meal last night and he didn’t say thank you or anything about it.

I just feel so sad and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

OP posts:
EnjoythemoneyJane · 28/12/2024 12:11

So you’ve lived there for 8 weeks and for a whole quarter of that time you’ve been crying every day?! Dear god, get the fuck out, life is waaaay too short for this kind of shitshow, OP.

You moved in with him after 6 months and it’s impossible to really know someone after such a short time. Sounds like you were love-bombed and now he’s got you trapped he’s let the mask slip and is already playing fucked up, controlling mind games. It’s all designed to break you down and make you question your own judgement, feel like you’re constantly in the wrong and tread on eggs around him. The psycho staring is frankly unhinged and may indicate he could escalate very quickly and potentially even be dangerous.

He’s an abuser, but you’ve only been with him for a heartbeat and can easily get out while you’ve still got your sanity and self-esteem intact. Leave, free yourself, block him and breathe a big sigh of relief at your lucky escape from this shit stain of a man.

pictoosh · 28/12/2024 12:16

Veronay · 28/12/2024 12:09

People act like their emotions are some mystical thing no one can explain. Your emotions are there to TELL you when it is good and when it is bad. Here they are telling you it is very bad, get out.

You make a very good point.

Catoo · 28/12/2024 12:30

Sounds like he love bombed you and now you’re beginning to see who you’ve really got involved with.

You know you need to leave. The nice man you met isn’t coming back.

If you stay, he’ll destroy you bit by bit.

Original poster
Helloveraa · 28/12/2024 12:47

thank you all for the replies, I’ve read everyone. It’s so hard to read because I’ve previously been in a DV relationship and sought therapy for it (was many years ago) and I thought I would have noticed the signs.

It feels so subtle, little moods and then saying to me “why are you sulking/being quiet?” And just stupid comments like I’m not very good at present giving.

My family like him a lot, he was lovely to them over Christmas.

OP posts:
WeeOrcadian · 28/12/2024 12:49

"you're definitely being sensitive"

That'd be enough for me to pack my bags, especially after 8 months.

He's abusing you OP, it won't get any better, only worse.

smallsilvercloud · 28/12/2024 12:52

His snide digs and put downs aren't going to stop, he's in the pattern of abusing you, sorry you've found this out now, but I'd definitely look to move out asap, don't tell him until you're actually moving out.

Mumofnarnia · 28/12/2024 12:52

Helloveraa · 28/12/2024 12:47

thank you all for the replies, I’ve read everyone. It’s so hard to read because I’ve previously been in a DV relationship and sought therapy for it (was many years ago) and I thought I would have noticed the signs.

It feels so subtle, little moods and then saying to me “why are you sulking/being quiet?” And just stupid comments like I’m not very good at present giving.

My family like him a lot, he was lovely to them over Christmas.

Op it’s a very common pattern for victims to get sucked into a string of abusive relationships.

What you need to look at first is the excessive love bombing followed by the rushing of the relationship. It’s common text book narcissistic traits to love bomb and be nice in the early days, rush the relationship and get you to move in with them within months of first dating/ talk about marriage very early/ talk about having kids very early into the relationship or a combination of all of those. You need to do some research on narcissistic abuse, they all follow the same pattern. The love bombing… rushing the relationship…. Then bang the subtle put downs start and before you know it you’re crying very early on into a relationship where you should be in your honeymoon period having the best time of your life

DancingFerret · 28/12/2024 12:53

"My family like him a lot..."

That's usually the way; the first time they realise he's not all he seems will be when you arrive on their doorstep a crying, dishevelled, and demoralised wreck - and I'm not exaggerating.

throughthewoods · 28/12/2024 12:55

Sounds like an ex of mine I moved in too quickly with. It was all fine untill we were sharing a space, then came the nasty digs, sulking, starting pointless fights. Just leave.

I'm not convinced cynical love bombing is a common as people make out on here, two people liking each other a lot at first is a thing. But then you have to deal with the reality of the person, which might not be very nice no matter how much he fancied you at first.

The thing is, abuse is about attitudes not feelings, and a sense of entitlement to not be challenged. However he may genuinely feel about you, he thinks he is entitled to put you down and be nasty if you act like anything other than a servile appendage. Because that's what relationships are about in his head.

Yikesthathurt · 28/12/2024 12:57

Run, run and don’t look back. Think about yourself 20 years from now having endured a sulking man that seems to want to chip away at you. Think about how you might look back at this thread and wonder why you stayed.

You are not there to fix him, he is there to try and impress you and try and keep you happy THAT is a healthy relationship, not what you have described here.

rebmacesrevda · 28/12/2024 12:58

Helloveraa · 28/12/2024 12:47

thank you all for the replies, I’ve read everyone. It’s so hard to read because I’ve previously been in a DV relationship and sought therapy for it (was many years ago) and I thought I would have noticed the signs.

It feels so subtle, little moods and then saying to me “why are you sulking/being quiet?” And just stupid comments like I’m not very good at present giving.

My family like him a lot, he was lovely to them over Christmas.

How did you meet? What were your first few dates like? It's likely there were red flags from day 1, but they are hard to spot when you have rose-tinted glasses on!

I was with someone very similar... I took months after breaking up for me to really see how he was behaving. The signs were all there but I couldn't see it when I was in it. You know you need to get out; if you need to analyse his behaviour you can do it after you've left him.

Afraidofhimrightnow · 28/12/2024 13:02

TwistedWonder · 28/12/2024 10:24

Think it’s time to move back out OP . He’s showing you what life living together will be like already and it’s not a pretty picture

You moved in very quickly and probably didn’t know him very well and now you’re seeing the real him

I think OP moving in after a few months was an excellent idea. Otherwise she'd have wasted years with the fake him first!

Original poster
Helloveraa · 28/12/2024 13:10

I met him through a friend about 3 years ago. He had been in touch with me on social media throughout that time asking me for a date but I was with someone or didn’t feel like it at the time. Eventually we had a date this year and he was very lovely, first few dates were amazing. Lots of intelligent conversation, laughing etc.

I did notice after the first date he said “I’ve been thinking all day I’ve not felt this type of feeling for someone for a long time”. Even at the time it felt a bit soon to say it. I’m so stupid.

OP posts:
ShortyShorts · 28/12/2024 13:11

Afraidofhimrightnow · 28/12/2024 13:02

I think OP moving in after a few months was an excellent idea. Otherwise she'd have wasted years with the fake him first!

Show quote history

Moving in with anyone after only 6 months is never a good idea.

His true colours would've shown eventually, without the OP having to pack up all her belongings and move to his house.

TwistedWonder · 28/12/2024 13:13

Afraidofhimrightnow · 28/12/2024 13:02

I think OP moving in after a few months was an excellent idea. Otherwise she'd have wasted years with the fake him first!

Show quote history

Disagree. These types of men deliberately target vulnerable women and reel them in very quickly.

He would have lost interest very soon had he not moved her into his home

ShortyShorts · 28/12/2024 13:14

Anyway OP, where did you move from?

Is there any chance you can go back there, or stay with family until you sort yourself a new place to live?

It's all well and good saying you're 'so stupid', to which we'll all reply 'No you're not', but I think it's practical advice you need now.

Bogginsthe3rd · 28/12/2024 13:15

If this was 8 years in you might consider counselling or separation. 8 months in there isn't a decision to be made really.

rebmacesrevda · 28/12/2024 13:22

Helloveraa · 28/12/2024 13:10

I met him through a friend about 3 years ago. He had been in touch with me on social media throughout that time asking me for a date but I was with someone or didn’t feel like it at the time. Eventually we had a date this year and he was very lovely, first few dates were amazing. Lots of intelligent conversation, laughing etc.

I did notice after the first date he said “I’ve been thinking all day I’ve not felt this type of feeling for someone for a long time”. Even at the time it felt a bit soon to say it. I’m so stupid.

Well, we're all stupid from time to time. We live and learn. Seeing the best in other people isn't a bad quality. I believe most people are fundamentally good, and some of the less good ones put on a very convincing act.

Is there anything stopping you from moving out right away?

Starlightstarbright4 · 28/12/2024 13:23

I would get out asap before it becomes harder to leave . Do you have family nearby who you can stay with ?

Anyideashowtodealwiththis · 28/12/2024 13:25

Isitstillchristmas01 · 28/12/2024 11:17

I would be worried about the staring. That sounds odd. Don't trust him. Make a plan to end it to ensure you are safe.

My ex used to stare. He is a narcissist. ( discovered due to other reasons I won’t go into)

I just googled it - and apparently the narcissistic stare is a thing.

and even if you think the whole narcissism thing is a fad, it actually just describes abusive behaviour.

it doesn’t get better OP. You are lucky to find out this early.

also to pps saying OP moved in too quickly, I get your point. But j also know lots of long term, happy, successful relationships ( and marriages) where people moved in within 6 months.

dont beat yourself up about that OP. We all make mistakes. And you didn’t know who he was h til his behaviour changed.

Easipeelerie · 28/12/2024 13:27

Would it be difficult to leave, logistically? Do split as soon as you’re able. He’s not going to improve.

healthybychristmas · 28/12/2024 13:27

Think practically. Where can you go to?

Nothatgingerpirate · 28/12/2024 13:28

Why would you need (any man) this dickhead in your life?
😳

MyCatHatesSandals · 28/12/2024 13:32

Helloveraa · 28/12/2024 12:47

thank you all for the replies, I’ve read everyone. It’s so hard to read because I’ve previously been in a DV relationship and sought therapy for it (was many years ago) and I thought I would have noticed the signs.

It feels so subtle, little moods and then saying to me “why are you sulking/being quiet?” And just stupid comments like I’m not very good at present giving.

My family like him a lot, he was lovely to them over Christmas.

Please stop justifying his behaviour by placing your feelings second to others' and leave. If you do that now, your therapy will have worked.

rebmacesrevda · 28/12/2024 13:32

Anyideashowtodealwiththis · 28/12/2024 13:25

My ex used to stare. He is a narcissist. ( discovered due to other reasons I won’t go into)

I just googled it - and apparently the narcissistic stare is a thing.

and even if you think the whole narcissism thing is a fad, it actually just describes abusive behaviour.

it doesn’t get better OP. You are lucky to find out this early.

also to pps saying OP moved in too quickly, I get your point. But j also know lots of long term, happy, successful relationships ( and marriages) where people moved in within 6 months.

dont beat yourself up about that OP. We all make mistakes. And you didn’t know who he was h til his behaviour changed.

Show quote history

Out of curiosity, was your ex diagnosed?

I know a few people with obvious narcissistic traits, but I've no idea whether they meet the criteria for NPD diagnosis. Also, I can't imagine them ever agreeing to psychiatric assessment!

It makes me wonder, how does a narcissist get diagnosed? The only scenario I can think of is if they were detained under section, or imprisoned, and underwent mandatory assessment.