Boyfriend - subtly hates me?

[Helloveraa]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 months. When I met him he was so lovely and kind to me - would do anything for me. He is really friendly and nothing was ever too much for him to do for me, and I reciprocated this. He asked me to move in to his house in October.

For the last 2 weeks I’ve found myself crying in the shower or on the verge of tears when he speaks to me. Nothing I ever do it right - I told him to take some honey for his cough which he argued with for an hour but eventually took - it helped after about an hour and he stopped coughing. When I said your cough is a bit better now he said “not because of the honey” and shrugged his shoulders when I asked why he thought it was better.

There’s so many more examples but there so subtle I can’t even remember them. I mentioned it to him a few days ago saying “I’m not sure if I’m being sensitive but it seems I’m annoying you - do you wanna talk about what’s on your mind?” He just said “you’re definitely being sensitive”

he just stares at me sometimes, no emotion on his face at all. Just staring and when I smile back or anything he just carries on starting.

I bought us a meal last night and he didn’t say thank you or anything about it.

I just feel so sad and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

End it. You two moved together too soon and you are seeing the real him now. In a way it's better you see it now than later on with more time invested. It's not going to get any better, he is a twat.

Leave. It will only get worse.

You shouldn't be this unhappy. What you are doing wrong is staying in a relationship with this man. Stop trying to please and placate him, pack your things and leave. He doesn't subtly hate you, he clearly doesn't like or respect you very much. His behaviour is manipulative and abusive.

Leaving a relationship is a very dangerous time for women - and the way you’ve described him staring at you is chilling. If things are likely to escalate, it’s most likely to happen when he realises that the relationship is over.

Don’t tell him you’re going - just leave quietly, or get someone to come and help you remove your stuff.

He asked me to move in to his house in October.

So after only 6 months?

Move out again and tell him you've rushed into it far too quickly.

It’s only been a few months. Leave him and don’t look back - You will feel so much better for it because if you stay it will get worse.

OP, I think you need to take some responsibility for this. If you’ve only been together eight months now, you moved in with someone after six months. No wonder he’s a total stranger. I hope you still have your own place to go back to when you end things?

The friendly, nice, generous guy was a front for the argumentative, critical, callous person he really is.

You moved in too fast...but you know that now.

Move back out asap. He's not the one.

What you are describing is living with an abuser.

They WANT you to feel like you're doing something wrong. Like you're 'not enough'. They want you to suffer. They want to paint you as bad/stupid/overreacting/sensitive/stupid/weak/crazy.

Abusers are often lovely in the beginning because otherwise, you'd not date them. It is all part of the spiders Web.

You've done nothing wrong. You will never be able to make yourself what you think he wants. Because all he actually wants is for you to be stuck on the merry go round of trying to be "enough". That's the whole point.

Get away from him ASAP.

If you feel like he hates you - it's because he does. Abusers hate good people. They hate people who have things they will never have like empathy, compassion and the ability to just be happy in themselves without having to leach it from others.

He's the schoolyard bully who only pretends to be his victims friend. In reality, he's insanely jealous of you and means you harm. Remember that.

Get out.

I must have missed this bit. But I did say in an earlier post on this thread that I bet he was the one who rushed the relationship along and that it would have been his idea to suggest they moved in together. Looks like I wasn’t wrong. Rushing a relationship and suggesting they move in together before they’ve actually got out of the dating stage is just typical textbook book abuser spiel.

I would be worried about the staring. That sounds odd. Don't trust him. Make a plan to end it to ensure you are safe.

My ex used to stare at me, I often said to him he looked at me like a snake would. One day he calmly said he wanted to do something horrendous to me and I left at that point.

People who have a strange look about their eyes are often very odd imo.

I just feel so sad and I don't know what I'm doing wrong

@Helloveraa Perhaps you need to stop blaming yourself for his behaviour, and ask yourself what HE'S doing wrong.

Seriously, your first Christmas season together as a live-in couple should be lovely...not you crying in the shower and feeling inadequate.

You're not happy, so leave. How or why he acts the way he does is probably something you'll never fully know.

You’re not doing anything wrong OP, he’s just abusive and showing his true self now that he has you moved in.

It sounds awful Op, I suspect he asked you to move in to save money on rent/bills assuming you’ve split costs 50/50?

But now he has you there he’s either regretting being with you 24/7 and finding you annoying and/or he’s just unmasked his true feelings of contempt and dislike for you he had all along but wanting to keep you around for convenience/financial benefit .

Men are strange, so many of them remain with women they don’t like. I had to ask my ex once if I was making him happy at all since he was seemingly increasingly irritated by me and he totally deflected and said I wasn’t happy with him. However I noticed he swerved the question and never answered. I broke up with him the following week.

I know that was just one example but I have to say I don’t understand why you’d argue with him over taking honey for his cough though? You’re not his mum. If you suggested it once or twice and he declined you should have just left it.

OP look at how you’re feeling after living with him only 2 months. How will you be after a year? The man you met who was lovely and kind was a fake front he was showing you to get you hooked in and now his real self is coming out. Your very presence irritates him and the blank stare is just scary. Surely you’re not so desperate to be in a relationship that this bar-in-hell situation is acceptable?

Trust your gut! Nobody should ever make your feel like this, and this man will waste years of your life. Leave now before you’re in too deep! It will be hard to let go of course, but short term pain for long term gain. Good luck x

And, don't fall into the trap of 'trying to understand him / needing to know'. I did this (Psych degree, professional Counsellor!) I Divorced my 'blank stare' exH after 23 years, (20 of which were too long, but, reasons.... Divorce was already happening when he failed to take care of his Autistic teenager whilst I was with his other Autistic teenager in hospital in Heart Failure) Don't even try to 'understand', just walk away now x

“RedHelenB · Today 11:35
You're not happy, so leave. How or why he acts the way he does is probably something you'll never fully know.”

This. Your relationship doesn’t work. You need to move back out and end the relationship.

Please read the above until it sinks in, it is excellent advice. MyDD spent 3 years with someone exactly like your bf eventually managed to get away, she is not the person she was, less confident, hyper sensitive to ppls tone and the way they interact, at the time she thought she could make it work, she feels so much relief now but unfortunately they bought a house together and it needs selling so have to have some sort of contact which is still as awful as it was.

You are doing nothing wrong.

But you can't "fix" him or "fix" this relationship.
Some relationships just don't work out.
Some men are nasty abusive misogynists and you can't change them.

Move out and end it.
Be single for a while and enjoy the peace and freedom.
Then be a bit more choosy who you get into a relationship with next time. Don't be in a rush.

@Loloj
If only you could have advised my daughter see above post. You are what makes MN worthwhile. Thanks for your post.

People act like their emotions are some mystical thing no one can explain. Your emotions are there to TELL you when it is good and when it is bad. Here they are telling you it is very bad, get out.