Boyfriend - subtly hates me?

[Helloveraa]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 months. When I met him he was so lovely and kind to me - would do anything for me. He is really friendly and nothing was ever too much for him to do for me, and I reciprocated this. He asked me to move in to his house in October.

For the last 2 weeks I’ve found myself crying in the shower or on the verge of tears when he speaks to me. Nothing I ever do it right - I told him to take some honey for his cough which he argued with for an hour but eventually took - it helped after about an hour and he stopped coughing. When I said your cough is a bit better now he said “not because of the honey” and shrugged his shoulders when I asked why he thought it was better.

There’s so many more examples but there so subtle I can’t even remember them. I mentioned it to him a few days ago saying “I’m not sure if I’m being sensitive but it seems I’m annoying you - do you wanna talk about what’s on your mind?” He just said “you’re definitely being sensitive”

he just stares at me sometimes, no emotion on his face at all. Just staring and when I smile back or anything he just carries on starting.

I bought us a meal last night and he didn’t say thank you or anything about it.

I just feel so sad and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

@Helloveraa
first of all I really hope your okay. You sound like a lovely, caring person and do not deserve this treatment.
i have just myself left a 7 year relationship with a man who followed this pattern and treated me exactly as you are describing. lovebomb.. > move in> dismiss, demean and devalue yet claiming to love you at the same time. It’s a very confusing thing to live through and experience. If id of known the signs I would have left much sooner. Only after maybe 2 years the strange behaviours started to show and I became more and more confused and a shadow of myself, thinking I was going mad!!! googling the same phrase as you used as the name of this thread. And you know what came up ? Pages upon pages of information about narcissism and passive aggression. he fitted every single example without me having to even try make it fit. I believe the same in your case too , he sounds textbook from what you have described.

As the other ladies have said, please leave. For your sanity, safety , well being and future. If something doesn’t feel right it’s because it isn’t. Believe me when I say it never gets better , only worse. Much worse. The manipulations and mind games, silent treatments.. intimidating behaviours they will become more frequent.
you deserve better than to be treated this way.

xx

He doesn't sound very nice op. Why would he want to upset you, put you down? 8 months you have moved quite fast and are still getting to know each other, if this is who he is I'd walk away you deserve better.

Abusers are individuals, red flags from one might be totally different to anothers.

A common trap is thinking 'he can't be abusive because he's totally different to my ex'. Someone who screams in your face is different from someone who acts nice 95% of the time but physically assaults his wife the other 5%. But both are abusive.

I wonder if he knew about your past abuse? Abusive men often seek put women who have been victimised before. (That's why it's wise to never tell new people about past abuse when dating too).

Also some abusers love bomb early on (shit like 'I've never felt this way before/I've never met anyone like you' can be part of that). Where as others might be more cold and distant so that when they do give you attention you think 'wow, this (handsome/popular/previously disinterested) man has decided to like me, lucky me'. Different approaches from different abusers and for different victims.

You just tell your family that he infact, isn't a nice man behind closed doors. And actually, may even be a psychopath. Everyone knows psychopaths are often excellent at manipulation. That you didn't see it but you do now and that you hope they'll support you as you escape this guy. That he might try to use them to get to you.

Eg, a common move is they tell your family they are 'worried' about you. Planting seeds that you are having a mental health crisis. Or, they say they are really sorry for how they behaved and as your family/friends to help them win you back.

So be very clear with your family that they need to be aware of this and have your back. If there are people who don't, then step away from them too.

OP, you're not stupid. Abusers start out very, very subtly, and it's mixed in with a ton of sugar. If abuse was easy to spot, no one would end up in an abusive relationship.

The staring at you is FUCKING FREAKY!

Dump this unpleasant weirdo. I'd sort out another place for yourself to live and move while he's at work. Just leave a note. And don't give him your new address. Do it this way to save yourself a whole lot of in-person nastiness. He can blow up your phone, but so what. Much better than having a horrible argument in person. Bit worried about what he might do. You can always meet him in a public coffee shop to tie up loose ends once he's calmed down.

Oh god the stare /shudders My thoughts exactly. He’s a psychopath, get out asap.

Oft, fuck meeting him "once he calms down'. How would you know it wasn't an act? Just get out and stay out. Do agree with pp though, about - don't tell him, just go. Then you can text/call dump and block. Maybe move out whilst he'd at work. I'd go with texting so he cant further manipulate. Something like 'This clearly isn't working for either of us, so I've moved out. I think it best we do not remain in contact. Take care -Anna'.

(I'd be tempted to add 'as I expect a higher quality from my friends' but probably best not to piss him off. The use of 'us' makes it seem mutual too which may make it more likely he'll agree and leave you alone to save his ego).

Don't be convinced that you owe him further explanation or face to face. Abusers aren't owed that. 'No I won't be doing that. Do not contact me anymore' is a complete sentence. Screenshot it before blocking him incase you need to show police at a later date.

Don't be drawn into texting or giving explanations as to why. Just 'this isn't working for me'. He may give it 'so you won't fight for us!?' To which the response is 'no' (or just block).He may call you an ice Queen but, so what, you know you aren't the cold one. And this route is better than you getting stuck telling him what he did wrong and him denying it/calling you crazy/promising change that will never occur.

Always remember, he KNOWS he is the problem. He just doesn't want you to know that.
Block him as soon as you can. Though perhaps once you've seen how he's taken the news. But don't be swayed by his replies.

Healthy relationships feel easy, not like a warground. Not like danger. Not like never being enough. So don't second guess yourself. Just get out quick and clean.

You also sound insane! Listen to your weird rant and go read the op post again! It is NOT just about the honey, love! She gave that as one example! Go look at the bigger picture and do your research on narcissistic abuse! You sound absolutely ‘insane’ if you think the op is just worried about a bit of honey! READ the full op post again!

Also, he was staring at her first and she smiled back!

Wow you have so much to learn!

After one single post, before you had read anything else, because at that point she hadn’t said anything else you had called him abusive when all he had done was refused the honey. I’m not saying he isn’t abusive. I’m saying g you and many other judged him because after KM’s hour of insisting, he finally took the bloody honey.

The fact you keep fixating on the honey and ignore everything else in that OP, while going after another poster for noticing what you seem incapable of, is really embarrassing for you.

Omg after your last nasty rant was deleted by MN you decide to come back and have another pop at me? Seriously? 😂

If you can’t see that what he’s doing to her is emotional abuse and you can’t spot the early signs of abuse then don’t post on these sort of threads when you have never been the victim of abuse! I have been the victim of abuse, so have many others on this thread! Maybe read what everyone else on this thread has written too! You will see that your ridiculous opinion is in a very small minority! You seem to be blind about what the op is going through and you’re making it all about the honey!! It’s not about the honey or the fact she told him for a hour to have some honey, however you can’t seem to read between the lines like the large percentage of other posters can! Again your ‘advice’ and opinion is in the minority! Get a grip!

Well said!

Asking are you on drugs or insane was very obviously said tongue in cheek and not meant literally. Chill! All I am saying is that everyone branded him an abuser before knowing the facts.
Btw don’t assume what others have or have not experienced because you do not know. Nothing else to say on the matter zzzzzzzzz

Ok seeing as you seem to be incapable of spotting the signs of emotional abuse and would rather hurl insults at people who are much more knowledgeable than you and are able to see what you obviously cannot, I will break down the op’s very first post shall I without even mentioning the bloody honey!!!

Ok first paragraph- they have been together for 8 months and HE asked her to move in with him in October! So they had only been together for 6 months at that point. First red flag and sign of potential abusive relationship is for the abuser to rush the relationship and get the victim to move in together after just a few months of knowing each other!

Second paragraph - op says “For the last 2 weeks I’ve found myself crying in the shower or on the verge of tears when he speaks to me. Nothing I ever do it right”
Another red flag and very much a sign of abuse if after only 2 months she’s crying in the shower for the last TWO WEEKS because of the way he HE SPEAKS TO HER and SHE FEELS NOTHING SHE EVER DOES IS RIGHT! That’s emotional abuse right there, being spoken to like shit and feeling like nothing you ever do is right and crying in the shower because of the way he speaks to her!

Third paragraph- There’s so many more examples but there so subtle I can’t even remember them”
Yes subtle examples but hurt the op’s feelings and cause her to cry! Abuse often starts if with subtle hurtful comments made to the victim!
Also in the 3rd paragraph “I mentioned it to him a few days ago saying “I’m not sure if I’m being sensitive but it seems I’m annoying you - do you wanna talk about what’s on your mind?” He just said “you’re definitely being sensitive”
So he’s twisted it all around in her and called her “insensitive” for the crime of being upset by her his words to her to make her feel like the guilty one just for trying to help him! That’s called gaslighting my love!

Fourth paragraph- “he just stares at me sometimes, no emotion on his face at all. Just staring and when I smile back or anything he just carries on starting.”
A lot of abusers will just stare at their victims in disgust like they want to seriously harm them, it’s generally referred to as a ‘snake stare’ and is extremely common behaviour coming from an abuser!

Fifth paragraph - “I bought us a meal last night and he didn’t say thank you or anything about it”. So she went and bought them a meal (not the ingredients, a meal) and he never even acknowledged it or mentioned it! Again another red flag that on its own doesn’t necessarily mean abuse but sounds quite nasty and unappreciative and selfish!

Now come back and tell me where in these words of the op above from that ONE SINGLE POST have I mentioned anything about the honey and tell me where the honey comes into it! Also tell me where op hasn’t given enough information! As I said, it isn’t about the honey, love! It’s about the bigger picture and having the ability to spot early signs of abuse very early on in a relationship (because almost all abuse situations start in this way it’s typical classic text book signs of early abuse).

For you to call me ‘insane’ (in your deleted post) and say I’m ’on drugs’ for spotting these signs and offering my knowledge and advice to the op, which could potentially help op get out of a nasty situation…. pretty much sums up your username ‘prettydisgustingactually’! You really do seem to be living up to that username don’t you if you think me being genuinely concerned for another poster means I’m on drugs or insane!

Run for the hills. It'll get worse and you'll be trapped.

Ruuuuuuuuun for the HILLS!!

Also please don’t tell me to ‘chill’ after you came in here and had the audacity to call me insane and accuse me of being on drugs - that’s gaslighting at its very finest!

Make arrangements to leave asap. Can you move back in with family while you sort out a place of your own?

It seems to me that most narcissists are diagnosed, not directly but from afar, by the psychologists and counsellors who are treating their victims for their mental health issues caused by the narcissistic abuse they have suffered.

@Helloveraa don't be upset. It's not you he is trying to train you.

It's a short relationship, you've been there 3 months, it's not working FOR YOU.

No need for big drama. Just announce "I'm going to move back out this isn't what I am looking for in a live in partner"

And move out

Perhaps he will buck up his ideas and want to keep your relationship, perhaps he won't but if you go straight back or put up with his nonsense then that's it for the duration. Tell your family the truth. Yes he's all fun and games out but a knob to live with and it's not you that has to live with him.

Tell him, don't threaten and go back on it

You said you thought you'd recognise the abusive signs in his behaviour. OP, I think you're looking at this the wrong way. You need to start recognising your own signs that something is wrong.

If speaking to this man makes you sad, that is a red flag. If being with him makes you want to cry, another massive red flag. Both should lead to an automatic break up.

Your feelings and emotions are valid and make complete sense. Your emotions are showing you that he is not the right person for you. You don't need to wait for some big abusive moment to justify ending things.

There are some guys who really like being told what to do. This guy just isn’t it.

The honeymoon period is over, he moved you into his house way too quickly and now regrets it. He's not got the balls to say he wants you gone, so you need to make that decision yourself, for the sake of your sanity and self esteem.

Asking are you on drugs or insane was very obviously said tongue in cheek and not meant literally. Chill!

Gas lighter.

Bull shitter.

Nothing else to say on the matter zzzzzzzzz

5 year olds have better burns than you.

The stare is a sign to get the fuck out of there op.

Anyway, takes a while to get to know someone, you're getting to know him and it's not a pleasant experience. That makes him not partner material.

Your family don't know him and aren't having a relationship with him. You are.

Relationship decisions don't go through court. It's up to the people in the relationship, end of. Have confidence in yourself. Trust yourself - your instincts are telling you something. They're looking out for you.

In a couple of years people you know will be struggling to remember his name.