Boyfriend - subtly hates me?

[Helloveraa]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 months. When I met him he was so lovely and kind to me - would do anything for me. He is really friendly and nothing was ever too much for him to do for me, and I reciprocated this. He asked me to move in to his house in October.

For the last 2 weeks I’ve found myself crying in the shower or on the verge of tears when he speaks to me. Nothing I ever do it right - I told him to take some honey for his cough which he argued with for an hour but eventually took - it helped after about an hour and he stopped coughing. When I said your cough is a bit better now he said “not because of the honey” and shrugged his shoulders when I asked why he thought it was better.

There’s so many more examples but there so subtle I can’t even remember them. I mentioned it to him a few days ago saying “I’m not sure if I’m being sensitive but it seems I’m annoying you - do you wanna talk about what’s on your mind?” He just said “you’re definitely being sensitive”

he just stares at me sometimes, no emotion on his face at all. Just staring and when I smile back or anything he just carries on starting.

I bought us a meal last night and he didn’t say thank you or anything about it.

I just feel so sad and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

Of course your family like him, it’s a common pattern for abusive wankers to put on their best act to other people and save their true colours for their partner behind closed doors.

@Helloveraa How soon can you move back out ?
Do you have somewhere to go to ?
It’s only been a few weeks it won’t get better .
its only been months not years get out now .

Like other posters, I think he's absuive Op.

But if you aren't certain of that, or don't feel able to use that label right now, think of it another way.

The purpose of being in a relationship is to make both your lives better, happier. He is making you miserable and making you question yourself. At best, he's very wrong for you. At worst, he's an abusive man who will get worse not better.

And abusers can be great at being lovely to your family. It means that you won't feel able to confide in them. It means you'll question your own feelings because 'everyone else loves him'. It means you'll find it harder to leave him.

Please talk to your family and / or a trusted friend, and get yourself away from this damaging man.

It would drive me nuts if I had a cough and someone pestered me for an hour to have some honey. And then I did, still coughed for an hour and then they turned and tried to claim it worked.

Good for you! Maybe you’d be his ideal gf then! 🙄

Would it? 🙄

OP get out while you can. Do you have somewhere to go?

Not diagnosed. As you say, I think it’s virtually impossible to get someone to go for a diagnosis.

but a clinical psychologist identified his behaviour as very narcissistic and advised me on strategies to take with this person. They were very clear they couldn’t diagnose without assessing him directly. But that was the first person to describe my ex’s behaviour as narcissistic. (It wasn’t from TikTok and I only knew them in their professional capacity related to my ex’s behaviour. Don’t want to be too specific as it’s outing!)

since then, his behaviour has been so extreme that there’s no question. I was told we all have some level of narcissism, and we will all behave in a narcissistic manner at some point. But it’s the intensity of symptoms and the way it affects their relationships.

but I agree that most of the people who are will never be diagnosed. They just seem to rattle around causing misery and distress to people around them.

Ffs leave. What your family thinks is irrelevant. Leave.

Narcissist. Get out immediately before you have kids with him. Believe me, he will hound you until they're 18 if you do. It's miserable. I don't regret my kids, but majorly regret not leaving at the 1st red flag.

They moved in together after a couple of months. Of course there's a high chance they won't be compatible. I'd find being pestered to take something for a cough patronising and irritating. It might be that he's a dick, or it might be that if the OP is low level niggling all the time that they just want very different things from the relationship.

Sorry but there’s a much bigger picture at play here! I take it you know nothing about the signs of spotting domestic abuse?? I have said already multiple times in this thread that abusers will rush their victims into a relationship and ask them to move in with them after just months of knowing each other! HE asked her to move in with him not the other way around! Also spot the subtle put downs op has mentioned, not just about the honey but she said he’s said other things which has caused her to cry in the shower!!

YOU going victim blaming and telling op it would do your head in if told to take some honey for an hour is extremely unhelpful! It’s not just about the honey unfortunately it’s about a whole load of red flags that myself and other posters have spotted and in case you haven’t all noticed are all telling her to get out while she can!

I absolutely agree that she should move out. There's no reason to stay in a relationship if you're not happy. But don't pretend you know everything about this relationship from a few anonymous comments posted on MN.

Oh okay! My advice coming from being a victim of domestic abuse. I know the signs, so do the other posters! Come back when you have done your research on narcissistic abuse! As you can see, your ‘opinion’ is in an absolute minority on this thread! You are very much victim blaming!

Also, a word of advice don’t pretend you know everything about this relationship just because she asked her bf to take some honey!

It sounds to me like you could be incompatible, or maybe you're still adjusting to living together, but a calm chat might sort things out. If he won't say what's going on in his head and talk things through then you have to decide whether you want to stay with things as they are or move out.
Make sure your contraception is bulletproof!

It doesn't really matter whether his behaviour is normal and reasonable or abusive.

The point is it's not a good fit for you and is making you unhappy.

Perhaps you are oversensitive but even if that's true, he's making no effort to ensure he lifts you up rather than pushes you down. It would be like bringing in spiders to someone who is arachnophobia and then saying 'no one else would mind'.

Both might be true but it's unkind and unnecessary behaviour.

You should be in the honeymoon phase and you are in the shower crying. I think that tells you everything about the future of this relationship. You don't need any other reason than 'this isn't making me happy ' to end it.

I have to agree with this somewhat.

I think he sounds quite unpleasant and OP has made a mistake moving in and needs to move right back out, but as I said upthread I do find that specific incident quite strange.

It’s just a cough, if he doesn’t want to take honey for it surely just leave it rather than pester him about it.

The point is it's not a good fit for you and is making you unhappy.
Perhaps you are oversensitive but even if that's true, he's making no effort to ensure he lifts you up rather than pushes you down. It would be like bringing in spiders to someone who is arachnophobia and then saying 'no one else would mind'.
Both might be true but it's unkind and unnecessary behaviour.

Yeah, I agree with this too. The bottom line is they’re not a good match and Op is miserable. OP needs to move out and move on.

It is well known that abusers up the abuse when they think they have you trapped, by moving in or having a baby. You moved in way too quick. You could have told him you'd like to date for a few years first. I've always given my relationships over 5 years before allowing any talk of moving in, decent men who respect you will understand this.

Agree, I’d be the same! Being told to take it and the still going on about it for an hour. If I wanted to take it I would. I’d find it very irritating.

It does sound rises though op, maybe you’re not compatible and the honeymoon period has long gone.

He wears a mask in public. Behind closed doors he has started the abuse. It will only get worse. Just leave.

Your family are not the ones crying in the shower after just a few weeks living with him.
Imagine how miserable your life will be in a few years, or when you have children

Run. Don't walk.

Life's too fucking short when you can absolutely choose literally anything different.

And if my mum knew that the man I lived with made me cry in the shower she'd be round with the car packing me up and getting me out.

Is there a reason your mum doesn't know?

Please, please make plans to get away@Helloveraa
I hear the alarm bells ringing so loudly.
Even the buying a meal and getting no thanks,
A narcissist hates, hates, hates being obliged to anyone. Having to follow social norms of gratitude.
Life is all about them, only them, top dog, centre of the universe, focus of attention. Always and only them.
By making you second guess, shifting the goal posts, switching personalities, leaving you scrambling to please. I see all this in the little you have written.
Please don't be me, don't have the life I had.
Run, run fast. Block and don't ever look back.