Just told daughters I won’t be babysitting

[SpryCat]

I have two gorgeous toddler Gs’s by my two daughters, I look after the eldest Gs, one afternoon a week, I pick him up from nursery and cook his dinner till dad picks him up and have my youngest Gs another afternoon to give his mum a break. I have been given a long a list of rules I must follow to the letter. My youngest Dd is always having a go at me for not following all the rules, I asked her if we could have her son for a couple of hours tomorrow and got a long list of things she is not happy about, mainly (as she was at work) we had her partner with their son, my other daughter with her partner and son over on Boxing Day and eldest Gs was play fighting with my H and he jokingly said Gs was a thug. It was all reported back to the daughter who was working that day by her partner and her sister. She blamed us for her son’s bad behaviour (he is 2.5 years old) and I said we won’t be looking after Gs again as so shit at it. I text my other daughter and said we won’t be looking after your son anymore because we turn children into thugs. So fuck it, let then look after there own kids as they so perfect.
I didn’t want to hear back from them and was so het up I blocked them from messaging back. I only messaged one daughter to have Gs for a few hours tomorrow and I get aggro.
No matter what I do I get arsey messages, It does my head in.

Lots of people missed the point that OP has been receiving multiple critical texts for weeks and the sisters contact each other to bitch about OP’s care while simultaneously complaining that she doesn’t do enough childcare like have the kids overnight.

If this had been a mother and MIL tag teaming them everybody would be applauding OP for having boundaries.

It makes sense to block so that she doesn’t have to read nasty texts and so that she doesn’t text something that she later regrets. OP has said that she doesn’t intend to block forever but needs a break from her daughters sending critical messages.

OP the specific rules matter. Things like always use a car seat or don’t feed child X because of allergies/intolerances/dietary preferences is reasonable. Things like don’t let grandson play with girls toys like baby buggies or always clothe granddaughter in a dress is not. A list with info like Tom likes cheese sandwiches and Bella likes pitta bread rather than sliced bread this week is (hopefully) given to you in the hope of making life easier for you rather than an attempt to control/annoy.

You are being very unreasonable here and are quite defensive. I’d really love to hear your DD’s side of the story.

I also think people are getting a little hung up on the word “rules” especially since they don’t know what the so called “list” is. And so far what has been said of the rules list is very reasonable.

I have some requests for my mother when she looks after my 1 yr old. They include the times of giving her bottles and food when I ask, nap times and now that she’s on 1 nap a day to not let her sleep past 2pm.
She’s also not allowed outside by herself as they have a large body of water out there.
My parents respect this and the way I raise my baby because we are a team. It sounds like you are not with your DD’s.

Has your DD asked you and your DH to not play fight with their children? It’s not necessary a unusual request

The difference is a CM won't put up with emotional blackmail.

I’m surprised at how many posters are against boisterous play. It’s been shown to be beneficial to a child’s (girls and boys) development in many different aspects!

OP I’m a grandmother too who looks after kids too. I understand where you’re coming from. Although I don't like the ‘thug’ word, it is something my husband would do and I’d tell him not to use it.
There are a couple of aspects to unpack, one being what ‘rules’ are ok. No sugar or squash for me is fine, no tv for the afternoons when you watch them ok. If it goes into something like “you will do these activities and only these activities” then too far.
The second aspect is your daughters’ behaviour towards you. There seems to be a lack of respect and the manner in which you’re spoken to needs to be addressed. You should not accept angry/disrespectful texts, I think all of you should sit down (when things settle) and agree on respectful standards of behaviour.

They are nursery nurses wow 😮 and they act like this?

I am @Bearjok being serious!! Do unto others as you would have done to you. I'd much prefer a sensible conversation than getting blocked, the same as I'd prefer to discuss the child's needs rather than getting a list and criticism - I'm saying they are both in the wrong is some way and the situation could be dealt with better by everyone involved.

To those saying GP can l/should be able to do whatever they want and have whatever rules they want while looking after GC and stuff their actual parents views/opinions/wishes for their own children, how self righteous!!! If your going to be a child's 'village' then you need to work as a team, sure slightly different rules or relaxation at some points but total disregard is just disrespectful to another human being. Your not doing children any favours by letting them have sweets and treats and totally different rules in the long run. If you have issues with that then I believe you respectfully decline to offer/agree to childcare. If course there needs to be a middle ground but ultimately they are not your children.

If your child telling you that they've made the decision not to have added sugar in their toddler's diet, and asking you to respect that choice, would leave you spending "every minute" worried you're doing something wrong, maybe the issue is with you? I have seen first-hand how a completely normal grandparent, who was on the strict side with her own children and who certainly isn't from the type of family where babies are pushed around in prams drinking cola out of a baby bottle, can think that she "only gives her granddaughter (my neice) a little treat now and then", while just doing things like giving her a bowl of nutella to eat with a spoon after she comes home from school and letting her have Magnum ice creams for breakfast just because it's a weekend. For myself, I have been very firm since before even trying to concieve that our children will have no regular screen time, and no regular added sugar, at least before primary school, and if grandparents want to compromise their relationships with their child and grandchildren over that, it's their loss - if an adult can't follow a simple direction, they probably aren't safe to be in sole charge of a small child. Luckily I stay at home and don't need to rely on grandparents for childcare outside of medical emergencies.

Also @Bearjok I personally don't believe that all parents deserve to have their feet kissed by their children and respected as if gods. There are alot of parents out there, more than we care to believe, that have ill treated their children, they do not deserve this respect purely for procreating.

Children should be able to call out adults poor behaviours, them not being able to do so and adults being 'respected' is the root of alot of child abuse on the upper end of that spectrum.

Toddlers are very small - you have to take care with boisterous play, they can quickly feel ‘overpowered’ and it can feel frightening. There is also the emulation of that kind of play that isn’t ideal outside of the family home. I think it’s okay in small doses with their parents. I am not sure how safe or comfortable I would be with anyone else.

At this age you would expect them to start learning about personal space, boundaries and my body/your body and it blurs the lines. As the child rarely invites roughhousing in my experience, and doesn’t have much choice or autonomy.

Suspect there's more to this, OP.

As parent to a toddler, I'd be very concerned if it seemed like my child was being given a lollipop (choking hazard), being wrestled with by a man who was not related to them (they are tiny toddlers), etc.

What are the rules you've been given?

My husband and I are the only people who know how to parent our children actually, yes, because we are the only people parenting them. Grandparents spending time with their grandchildren are not parenting, they are babysitting, and the parents are still the ones who set the limits of that interaction.

Given that OP describes the childcare she does as picking her grandchildren up from their paid childcare settings and looking after them for a few hours, I doubt the time she spends with her grandchildren are what's keeping their parents from losing their jobs or going bankrupt - she is getting the priviledge of time with her grandchildren. That absolutely doesn't entitle her to "do what she wants", as evidenced by the fact that at least one of the daughters had no issue with stopping these visits.

Parents are not the highest authority in their young children's lives - they are the ONLY authority. My parents and in-laws are completely aware that they are beholden to my very simple list of rules, which boil down to "no sweets, no spoiling and no screens" if they want alone time with my children, because unlike some I would rather have my children with me than away from me, so if I'm losing their company for a few hours, the least you can do is not stuff them full of chocolate, stick them in front of cocomelon and wind them up.

hmmm and u have never just had enough? U do know that even the most patient person in the world is allowed to snap when pushed too far...

OP I get completely where ur coming from. You are helping out ur daughters and if the only thing u get back is criticism, it is well out of order. It does not do any harm for GSs if they have bit different rules/ways ones a week. Your daughters complaining abt it all is very unreasonable tho (unless the child is literally not looked after).

and as someone mentions above surely no boiled sweets, no junk food, no TV all day long is just common sense. OP post doesnt read as this is the issue...

I took my three year old DD away from MIL looking after her because she ignored my wishes. Fed her buckets of sugar & junk food. I repeatedly asked her not to, and offered to send food, but it was ignored. I also discovered DD was watching tv a lot. I put DD in childcare instead, claiming she needed to secure a spot for the kindy program. (I was always happy to do this, MIL wanted her.)

However, I was flexible other than those things. I understood I couldn't dictate every move they made.

There are things that you should abide by, but the rudeness you shouldn't accept. Perhaps talk calmly and express you'll only do childcare on shared terms. Some things that they won't compromise on you'll respect, but other than that, you need some freedom. Any issues to be discussed calmly. Rude comments & you'll cease immediately. Either way, you'll all know where the boundaries are.

@Lostinmusic22 When I say beneficial, I’m referring to professional research, not just my opinion.

Your point is about consent- which can change in the same interaction. When an adult is involved it’s easier to hear the change in tone - and it’s something to teach to young ones, as well as if the person says no or go away then it’s a no. There is difference between boisterous play and aggression.

Good for you OP. Entitled kids expecting free childcare with rules follow. Pah . Stand your ground .

I'm curious about the rules. You might need them, judging from your immature nature. Blocking your daughters is so weird.
The rules for people watching my kid: 1. Do not share utensils or food 2. No mouth kissing. 3. No kissing with cold sores 4. Close the gate so they cannot get run over 5. No phone screens for kids . Does this sound crazy to you? If it does, they are better off without your free care

What's the long list of rules, just out of interest?

I hate the attitude of "I do you a favour" (look after my GC) and therefore you should only be grateful, have only praise for me and no constructive feedback whatsoever.

That's how my mum gets on but I'll persist in telling her things like how to cut grapes properly so my children don't choke to death even if it wounds her fragile ego.

Moved on doesn’t always mean better.

I think you need the daughters and you to sit down, once and for all.
Revisit some rules that are non negotiable - both yours and theirs ..
No to some foods ie sugar, lollies, nuts
No playing on the road
Holding on hands near traffic
Proper seat belt use
Encourage nice manners - GSs say please and thank you and don't run in your home, hit others or draw on walls etc.
About five rules each.

You are feeling not trusted.
Say you want to feel relaxed enough to have a joke ie play fighting and calling GS a robber etc.

Different houses have different rules and when their kids come home it's up the them to enforce and remind the kids of the rules in their own home.

Absolutely agree
Different house do have different rules
I told My mum, who occasionally had ours as we didn’t live that near, nannies can be different. They can have slightly different rules. She reminded me of that one when I saw the lemonade she was giving them 🤣 ( we never did sugary drinks at our house ).

Life’s too short for falling out

Yes, but over all the dietry issues and screen use parametres should be abided, I think, and generally followed by all care givers. The odd glass of lemonaid and video at Granny's - I would not bat an eyelid.

I wouldn't block my kids texts no matter how pissed off I was. Doesn't mean I'd read or answer them straight away but I want them to know they always have a way to get hold of me no matter how big a fight we have.

I don't think you should babysit in a regular way anymore. I think it's become too loaded a situation and everyone thinks the other person is in the wrong. Paid professional care is probably the best way to go. That way you can just relax and enjoy the grandkids when you see them with their parents supervising.

They might even grow to appreciate the help you originally provided once they have to organise and pay for ongoing childcare themselves. Not in a bad way, just because it might make it easier for them to look at both sides of the situation.

I would not be offended if I was asked not to give sweets and squash to grandchildren. Boisterous would be dependant on how boisterous. It’s hard to tell with that one because everyone has a different take on what that is.

I think it’s fair enough to “resign” from babysitting if you don’t feel appreciated or if the two mothers talked behind your back, but blocking them is a bit over the top. The grandchildren need to have an ongoing relationship with you and it’s not their fault there is conflict in the family. Someone had to be the bigger person.

It also depends a lot on what the rules are too. There is a difference between no boisterous play whatsoever to none after 4 pm, because bed time becomes impossible.

To be honest, it sounds like the best solution is that they are sent to childcare in your time. Shame though as I didn’t have grandparents babysitting either and it’s an important influence on small children. Hopefully things calm down soon.