Just told daughters I won’t be babysitting

[SpryCat]

I have two gorgeous toddler Gs’s by my two daughters, I look after the eldest Gs, one afternoon a week, I pick him up from nursery and cook his dinner till dad picks him up and have my youngest Gs another afternoon to give his mum a break. I have been given a long a list of rules I must follow to the letter. My youngest Dd is always having a go at me for not following all the rules, I asked her if we could have her son for a couple of hours tomorrow and got a long list of things she is not happy about, mainly (as she was at work) we had her partner with their son, my other daughter with her partner and son over on Boxing Day and eldest Gs was play fighting with my H and he jokingly said Gs was a thug. It was all reported back to the daughter who was working that day by her partner and her sister. She blamed us for her son’s bad behaviour (he is 2.5 years old) and I said we won’t be looking after Gs again as so shit at it. I text my other daughter and said we won’t be looking after your son anymore because we turn children into thugs. So fuck it, let then look after there own kids as they so perfect.
I didn’t want to hear back from them and was so het up I blocked them from messaging back. I only messaged one daughter to have Gs for a few hours tomorrow and I get aggro.
No matter what I do I get arsey messages, It does my head in.

Oh, I'm so traumatised by your witty reposte.

They're trying to protect their toddlers from the worst of the neglect and abuse that was inflicted upon on them by their parents. They don't want their kids growing up with the 'Don't be soft' and bullying they were put through - but their mother has repeated the bullying and manipulation by punishing their infants for their daring to not allow the random bloke to be criticised.

How is my H a random bloke ? Do tell 🤔

Erm... how in the world is stating that the OP remind me of my MIL 'hateful'?!

Very true.

we struggle knowing what to do, how to behave or say
But isn't that what your daughter is trying to help you with? And then you took offence?

I show much interest in who they are and love them
You do sound like a lovely grandmother in so many ways. You just need to remember that your daughter is the parent, not you, and respect that (and how she wants her children to be brought up).

I think you are being wonderful offering childcare and you can clearly feel the love and warmth you have for your GC. However especially in light of your family history in this instance I can empathise with your daughter's need for clear rules. Their own upbringing was neglectful and challenging, they clearly want to ensure the same doesn't happen with their children. They also work in childcare so have a professional view towards their children's upbringing.

I absolutely think that you are trying to accommodate their rules and I do understand their childhood trauma was not a result of your care, but I think rather than see them as being overly strict, I would try to see them as overcoming the past and creating a wonderful family life for your gcs to grow up in. Embrace their rules rather than rub against them.

Op can you see it from this point of view - your OH didn't take no (and your GS climbing on to his DM's lap) as a boundary. So what does he see as a boundary? Not taking no as a boundary would worry a parent.

I have had a breakthrough the last few hours and can see it now, I had to get past my defensiveness and anger to acknowledge everything. It’s easy to close your eyes and ears and believe that my girls had an easier childhood than mine but it’s not the truth. I feel so guilty

I think you are right op - but maybe don't be too hard on yourself.

It really isn't meant to be patronising, not sure why you took it this way? Technology and science has moved forward leaps and bounds since the 80s, and especially in the time since the internet came about and we all have information overload at our fingertips now.. If you go far back enough people used to say smoking was good for you and asbestos was recommended for lots of uses in our houses, these things are a bit horrifying today as we now know they are dangerous to our health. Stands to reason, give enough time, thinking can change quite radically thanks to advances in science and all other fields! People on the other hand are often more resistant to change, until they see with their own eyes!

Where has anyone said they are the perfect parents?They are just trying to do the right thing with the information and facts we have at the current time. Personally I think that is a good way to parent as noone has a crystal ball.

BLW is not really a health and safety thing which must be adhered to, it is just another method of weaning. I used puree for my first as they didn't take to BLW but second did. You do what's right for the child and it has to be judged carefully and weight up the risks. I don't think any parent would be expecting their child to gobble up whole grapes for BLW... So not really sure what your point is?

Why is there such a rejection of what experts and health professionals have to say from some sides? Why are parents not allowed to have boundaries with the grandparents or can they just do what the hell they like once they have the kids? And does the grandparent who feeds their grandchild whole grapes against their parents wishes "because their children survived eating them whole" really have the child's best interests at heart?

He didn’t bring my girls up, I stayed single for years after leaving, he has been in my life for ten years now. The girls appreciate him as he has always helped them out, their own dad is always too busy. H and I love the boys, and we may find it hard to see the relevance of some of the changes in childcare, it doesn’t mean we can’t learn from it.
As for any kind of abuse, being related to someone by DNA doesn’t guarantee you won’t be abused.

“H and I love the boys, and we may find it hard to see the relevance of some of the changes in childcare, it doesn’t mean we can’t learn from it.”

you’re right, it doesn’t mean you can’t. But you aren’t are you?

you throw a tantrum and block
you s bait
you support someone who ignores the word no

i wouldn’t worry though. Before long the decision will be made for you and you’ll be on here with no understanding of why you don’t see uour DD or DGC.

That's entirely unnecessary when OP had just said that she DOES accept that she was wrong. Why choose now to stick the knife in?

Watch the show motherland lol

Its patronising AF because you assume that anyone who raised their children before the current generation of children is too stupid or thick to be aware of changes and developments in science and is unable to use online resources (which is quite funny as you are descsribing the generations which actually built and developed the systems you espouse).

There is a fuck ton of information online but judging by the typical thread here on food, nutrition or childcare and especially anything involving risk assessment most of the posters using online sources cannot distinguish between properly researched science and conspiracy theories. The ability to make a meaningful assessment of risk is also completely lacking.
Many of the "professionals" I see cited on here have no actual qualifications or experience in the science for which they are quoted - especially when it comes to food and nutrition. They are however often making money out of the spin and celebrity appearances.

The generations you criticise would at least have learned how to find information sources for themselves because they didn't have the easy option available. I remember also being taught along with library skills to question actively and be sceptical about everything I read.

If you really think that Joe/Josephine average in the 60s, 70s, 80s etc did not accept that smoking was harmful because back in the 20s it was recommended by doctor then you might want to talk to more older people and spend less time making assumptions based on bland identity politics.

Lol my youngest child was 5 when my first grandchild was born. Doubt I was THAT out of bloody date

My DCs are teens so it's a long way off, but if, when they become parents, they expect insta-grandparenting, they'll be directed to the local nursery for childcare.

100% this. I have raised three children and if any of those three gave me a list of 'rules' - regardless of how well-researched they were or if they were supposedly better informed than me - they would be told to take the children elsewhere.
They either trust me to look after the children safely or they don't. I will not be micromanaged by my own kids, sorry.

You blocked them ? You don’t sound the kind of granny I’d want my kids around either of you have such a short fuse. Couldn’t you just suck it up in Order to maintain contact with your grandkids ?

I think you need some better men in your life.

I think this post illustrates the issue sometimes at play here. The assumption is that grandparents ought to put up with all sorts of crap for the honour - or privilege as a pp said - of looking after their grandchildren for free.
As I have said, I absolutely refuse to be micromanaged and manipulated by my own children.
My grandchildren would be coming to granny's house not a childcare setting. Their parents and pay for that.

One more thing:
I've read several times on this thread now that some po-faced posters 'wouldn't want their children around' people who block others on SM, allow biscuits etc etc.
I will say it again - you cannot micromanage everyone who brushes against your precious child for ever.
At some point they are going to come in contact the dreadful types who drink squash or eat chocolate. I hear some even eat crisps and drink fizzy drinks. I know.
You are doing your child no favours whatsoever banning anything that is perfectly safe and legal, as they will come across it when they are older.
The same applies to people. Only allowing a carefully curated ensemble of preapproved contacts is madness.