Just told daughters I won’t be babysitting

[SpryCat]

I have two gorgeous toddler Gs’s by my two daughters, I look after the eldest Gs, one afternoon a week, I pick him up from nursery and cook his dinner till dad picks him up and have my youngest Gs another afternoon to give his mum a break. I have been given a long a list of rules I must follow to the letter. My youngest Dd is always having a go at me for not following all the rules, I asked her if we could have her son for a couple of hours tomorrow and got a long list of things she is not happy about, mainly (as she was at work) we had her partner with their son, my other daughter with her partner and son over on Boxing Day and eldest Gs was play fighting with my H and he jokingly said Gs was a thug. It was all reported back to the daughter who was working that day by her partner and her sister. She blamed us for her son’s bad behaviour (he is 2.5 years old) and I said we won’t be looking after Gs again as so shit at it. I text my other daughter and said we won’t be looking after your son anymore because we turn children into thugs. So fuck it, let then look after there own kids as they so perfect.
I didn’t want to hear back from them and was so het up I blocked them from messaging back. I only messaged one daughter to have Gs for a few hours tomorrow and I get aggro.
No matter what I do I get arsey messages, It does my head in.

@BettyBardMacDonald if you really believe that pointing out that someone is using an improperly secured car seat to transport a child and asking them not to do things that we know are proven to be bad for their development is ordering them about and second guessing every interaction then you probably need to be looking at yourself. I do pay for childcare thank you and my parents have asked to have him twice a week which obviously suited me as well. If it was no longer working and I felt he was worse off there than nursery then I would just put him in full time nursery. But I'd obviously rather work with my parents because I know they all enjoy the time together.

Why are people interrogating the op

km applauding.

My take is that the OP is normally very patient, but finally snapped.

My parents and in laws rarely had the children. I never set any rules. Was grateful for the break.

Are nurseries setting the bar too high for grand parents I wonder. Because it's a totally different experience for the child the ratio being one to one often.

It doesn't take a genius to know that even patient people have a breaking point.

I'm with you on 90% of that, but seriously, don't block them. That's so immature and petulant, and undermines your reasonable objections.

Mercifully my DD doesn't give me any rules at all when I look after my DGDs. But if she did (and they were about anything other than blatant safety things like car seats and grapes) I'd politely say that it's probably best that I don't have them for childcare as she's clearly uncomfortable about trusting me with them and I don't want to spend every minute worried that I'm doing something wrong.

My mum looked after her GC (paid). She bought them sweets every day despite rules. They turned out OK.

Agree with others you do sound emotionally very immature, and my guess is that your daughters follow suit, leading to everyone being unreasonable. I'm sorry but I don't think the way you've handled it screams I love my grandkids but I'm creating a boundary (I have no doubt you love them very much), it's just says I'm throwing my toys out of the pram!

You could have sat down with both of them separately and explained sensibly that you are very happy to look after your GC and respect their way of parenting however they have to realise that as much as you will try it might not 100% be to their rules as life is life, and if they can't cope with that then you would understand if they wanted to pay for childcare instead. Grown up conversation, not blocking them like a teenager.

You honestly are. Don’t listen to all these people on here clearly they treat their moms like crap. Where I come from you kiss the feet of your parents when they do you a huge favour. What is wrong with this generation?

Eh? You are joking right?

I feel for you OP. You would like a relationship with your grandchildren but your own children are making it a less than pleasant experience. The question you need to ask is do you want to be a part of your GC lives no matter how you are treated and the ramifications if you stand up for yourself.

This is likely to be something that has been going on for a while. You need to have a calm conversation with your DC. Why are they giving you such a long list? No idea what the list contains but it is justified. You need to really listen to what they say. I doubt that this situation has come out of the blue.

The only solution is communication and compromise from all parties.

To me people are just trying to understand the dynamics rather than interrogate. As others have said I think there are some requests that are fair and then some that are OTT and as we don't know OP or her DDs we can't really advise unless we have more information to work with.

Just read your last update op. To me that would have been massively reassuring that you listened and did what they asked with the water and less chocolate. The comments about presents is just crazy.

I don't think it's fair from other pps to just apply a blanket "GP house GP rules" mindset- children need healthy boundaries. I remember my hairdresser once telling me when her dgc came to hers after school every day she just let him eat an entire large family size tub of ice cream because it made him happy and she didn't let on to his mum because sure it's her job to spoil him isn't it? Like - at some point parents need to be able to say to the people caring for their children that something isn't sitting well and have that taken on board without a knee jerk reaction of - well I won't see the child any more then?! There has to be a middle ground that's in the best interests of the child.

Good for you

Rule 3: Pay for your own child care; don't take advantage of the grandparents.

She’s not bloody paid childcare
mid she’s so shit then don’t use her

My husband is my not my daughter’s father, (their father not got the time nor much interest) he does love playing boisterously with them, I have told him not to, he doesn’t listen, it’s one of the things they love about him. H adores them as do I.

I think she means patient with the children - not her ungrateful daughters

And you don’t think there’s any middle ground between rolling over and blowing up and cutting contact?

I pay for childcare because I want the best for my child. I also want to pick up my child knowing they will be easy to do the dinner/bed routine during my work week because they have eaten sensible food, not had screen time and had naps at the correct time. This also means a calm and secure kid too.

However many grandparents including my child are desperate to babysit, but then don’t want to follow sensible rules. It’s not as simple as “don’t take advantage of the grandparents”, many people I know would rather their children were in profession childcare but have been badgered into letting the grandparents babysit.

Totally Not Unreasonable OP.

I can see why you snapped with your other DD who seems to be stirring the pot and after putting up with lots of criticism from both both DDs, who sound like ungrateful madams obviously because they take you for granted, and don’t realise how lucky they are to have a mum who has committed to regular free childcare and buys their DC lots of presents!

Toddlers and young DC (of both sexes) quite often love a bit of ‘roughhousing’ in a safe environment. All mine did. No one got hurt. I would have laughed if my step father called any of mine a little thug in that context where they were playing about. Total non issue.

Let them stew, keep them blocked for a week or so, and when they realise they need you for the next childcare session, tell them you will not be having the DC again if they don’t trust you to care for their children like you did with them. They can make alternative childcare arrangements. I’m willing to bet they won’t want to though!

My parents are dead.
They didn't get the chance to meet my kid and that breaks.my.heart. my dad especially would have absolutely adored my daughter, he'd have loved the bones of her and spent hours sat at the piano with her or at his easel teaching her art.

So take this how ever you please.

If they were still alive, I'd let them have my kid as much as they wanted and been delighted.

They raised me FFS.
I'm not a complete fucked up mess, they did ok, so who the fuck am I to question their child caring capabilities?

I'd feel like I'd kicked them right in the cunt.

"You raised me, I turned out ok, but here's a shit load of rules because obviously you've no idea what you're doing..."

Do you mean me personally, or OP? Not sure what you're getting at, sorry. I was asking the OP to clarify the "rules" so as to comment on whether she's BU or not.

I wouldn’t be comfortable with boisterous play. Nor names such as thug being used. Why give them chocolate and squash?

You just sound very difficult, stubborn and old school. Your dds are trying to raise their children well, look after their teeth and bodies and care for them properly. I imagine they felt the need for rules because you don’t listen.

Blocking your dds is really juvenile behaviour and manipulative.

Stop playing games, and start respecting their right to parent how they want to, or you might find the relationship with your grandchildren will really start to suffer.

They can’t have it both ways, they either trust you with their children and let you get on with it or they use a childminder, nursery or get a nanny.

Don't be so ridiculous.