Just told daughters I won’t be babysitting

[SpryCat]

I have two gorgeous toddler Gs’s by my two daughters, I look after the eldest Gs, one afternoon a week, I pick him up from nursery and cook his dinner till dad picks him up and have my youngest Gs another afternoon to give his mum a break. I have been given a long a list of rules I must follow to the letter. My youngest Dd is always having a go at me for not following all the rules, I asked her if we could have her son for a couple of hours tomorrow and got a long list of things she is not happy about, mainly (as she was at work) we had her partner with their son, my other daughter with her partner and son over on Boxing Day and eldest Gs was play fighting with my H and he jokingly said Gs was a thug. It was all reported back to the daughter who was working that day by her partner and her sister. She blamed us for her son’s bad behaviour (he is 2.5 years old) and I said we won’t be looking after Gs again as so shit at it. I text my other daughter and said we won’t be looking after your son anymore because we turn children into thugs. So fuck it, let then look after there own kids as they so perfect.
I didn’t want to hear back from them and was so het up I blocked them from messaging back. I only messaged one daughter to have Gs for a few hours tomorrow and I get aggro.
No matter what I do I get arsey messages, It does my head in.

While I agree that having them nitpick and give long list of rules is ridiculous and I probably wouldn't put up with it, I disagree with your way or handling it. It comes across as petty and immature in my opinion.

I would have an adult conversation with them to explain that I will not be helping anymore if they insist on criticizing my care, I wouldn't make it so confrontational, throw the baby out with the water and block them.

Hopefully you can resolve the issue without losing your daughters and grandkids.

Me also.

I grew up with a mum who was very much "my house my rules" so now when I get to decide how things are run, "my child my rules", my mum doesn't like that very much!

Well I think YANBU based on what you're saying but I'd love examples of the texts.

It sounds like they're hyper critical but could that be the way you interpret it?

For example, it could be:

"Hi mum, thanks for having Freddie today. As we mentioned last week he gets very hyperactive after rough play so if could you ask Roger not to encourage that in the afternoon that would be great as it stops him sleeping. (Would also rather he didn't use the word thug! 😆) Love DD x"

Or is it more:

"I've told you no rough play allowed before, and calling him a thug?! What the hell were you thinking?? Why won't you listen to me? If he plays up it's all your fault!"

I've asked before and nobody answered me. Does "squash" mean cordial or juice or fizzy drink. Not that it matters, Mine loved them all at 3yo. It's not crack.
And OP - seriously just reduce the amount of time you look after the GD's and enjoy your life. Do what you want to do: join a group, an art class , a hiking club. Whatever. Your kids can look after their kids just like you did.
If there is a financial problem then I would offer to pay bills to help out.
Personally 1-2 days babysitting grandchildren is enough.

In your house fine if you get free childcare not so much

I think it’s very fair to remind them that it is you doing them an enormous favour and not the other way around. I think you need to be busy for a few weeks and see how desperate they get. They are ever ungrateful. (I had no help with my three for lots of reasons, but mostly living on the other side of the planet to my family.) It would have been great to have an afternoon to myself occasionally before they started school.

Yanbu to say you won't have youngest's ds. Yabu to also punish your oldest daughter.

How much of youngest's behaviour is oldest daughter aware of? You see it as reporting back, she may see it as telling her sister a nice anecdote from the day.

OP I’m with you. Looking back when my DC were small, I would never give my in laws or my parents a list of rules. It would be so disrespectful. I may not have agreed with what they said/fed them but it was their time with their grandparents. I would distance myself for a while and see what happens. Your daughters sound so privileged. I wonder if they went to nursery a set of rules would be given.

I think the issue is more the daughters’ reactions. My mum has my child sometimes and she asks me for a list of ‘rules’ to ensure she is caring for him in line with how we parent him, and I wouldn’t hand him over without some guidance. Stuff like what sort of thing to feed him, general time for naps, how to put him down for naps (in line with lullaby trust guidance), which toys require supervision, etc.

I don’t think the ‘rules’ OP mentioned she’d been given are unreasonable, but her daughters’ behaviour absolutely is. Times have changed - I would never leave my son alone with my grandmother, for example, because she thinks that we should be putting him to sleep on his front and that he should have had ‘more blankets’ when he was a month old…. So really, it depends what the OP is wanting to do!

It's not even her play fighting though and she's getting the earache about it?

I wouldn't be given a list of rules either. Thankfully neither of my DDs have seen but to do so

What I’m noticing is that the ‘long list of rules’ is absent here despite a few requests to hear it. Like PPs have said, we need to hear them so that we can tell if they’re reasonable or not.
What is the list of rules OP?

Yet she brought you up and u obviously didn't choke to death

Squash has never meant fizzy drink. I’ve only ever known it to be mean as fruit flavoured concentrate drink to be diluted with water. And a veg.

OP- daughters don’t seem very pleasant or grateful but like everyone else, I’d like to know the specifics of the rules and the criticisms.
On the face of it, no rough play seems a bit unnecessary but I wonder if there is a reason for it, are the children going home to them worked up and upset or acting aggressively for the rest of the day?
Interesting that your partner is not their dad and he doesn’t listen when you tell him to not rough play with the dc. It would be difficult having a non relative caring for your child in a way you’re not happy with even if you appreciated that they were doing you a favour.

This is a ridiculous response, and survivor’s bias, because many children DID and DO choke to death on grapes, which is why it is now NHS guidance to cut them lengthways.

You could say this about absolutely anything - my child didn’t have a car seat and didn’t die so yours don’t need them eithe 🙄

“Squash” usually refers to things like Robinsons orange or blackcurrant, mixed with water. It’s pretty disgusting and full of artificial sweeteners. Some people say “juice” instead but in some areas (working class central Scotland for example), “juice” can mean fizzy drinks instead

It’s not crack but it’s really bad for DC’s teeth and can result in fillings in baby teeth, which is pretty horrible. Not giving it to DC is a really fair request; they don’t need it and it’s not good for them, so it isn’t about them, it’s about what the OP wants to do: it is bizarre the way the some older people insist on giving DC crap and insist that it’s a “treat”. Buy them some blueberries if you are determined to “treat” and avoid tooth decay while you’re at it!

I think this generation of mums are getting ridiculous. I'm prepping my own daughters now that I won't put up with that crap!

Thank you, @Frozensun , for pointing out the importance of boisterous play.

OP said that the boys adore her DH and I got the sense from the context that they enjoy the play.

Unpopular though this may be with the parents of the very young, I am also not sure what is the problem with a loving adult teasingly calling a child a thug during play. The implication is that the child is ‘winning’ or has got off a good move; it’s s backhanded compliment in context. It is rather PFB to worry that either party perceives this as a negative label or that it will do harm. The ‘thug’ in my British family, who revelled in the term until he was six or eight, has recently qualified as a hospital consultant.

Some co-operation is needed between parents and DGPs on diet, but the fact that OP takes the boys for outdoor play counts for a lot, also.

All in all I am with you, OP

I'm a pretty relaxed parent but I hate it when my dad play fights with my son - it gets him hugely overstimulated and then he thinks it acceptable to behave that way with other children and adults. Calling him a thug was silly since your husband was winding the child up

The rules I admit are a bit silly but I can see her point about the boisterous play

YANBU, op.

Good for you. Too many older people kowtow to their adult kids because they're so afraid of losing access to the grandkids. Some ACs take advantage of this. Glad you're not afraid to stand up to your ACs.

Sounds like you’ve done them a favour. I’d get pissed off with the ‘grandma knows best’ attitude as well.

You're being unfair. OP explained above that she's let her kids' moans go over her head for months. And she meant patient with the children.

I don't have kids, but I'm amazed at the number of children on this thread who virtually never get squash or chocolate! I thought all kids got a little bit of those maybe once a week.