Just told daughters I won’t be babysitting

[SpryCat]

I have two gorgeous toddler Gs’s by my two daughters, I look after the eldest Gs, one afternoon a week, I pick him up from nursery and cook his dinner till dad picks him up and have my youngest Gs another afternoon to give his mum a break. I have been given a long a list of rules I must follow to the letter. My youngest Dd is always having a go at me for not following all the rules, I asked her if we could have her son for a couple of hours tomorrow and got a long list of things she is not happy about, mainly (as she was at work) we had her partner with their son, my other daughter with her partner and son over on Boxing Day and eldest Gs was play fighting with my H and he jokingly said Gs was a thug. It was all reported back to the daughter who was working that day by her partner and her sister. She blamed us for her son’s bad behaviour (he is 2.5 years old) and I said we won’t be looking after Gs again as so shit at it. I text my other daughter and said we won’t be looking after your son anymore because we turn children into thugs. So fuck it, let then look after there own kids as they so perfect.
I didn’t want to hear back from them and was so het up I blocked them from messaging back. I only messaged one daughter to have Gs for a few hours tomorrow and I get aggro.
No matter what I do I get arsey messages, It does my head in.

Good for you, OP!

So many parents are entitled, insolent and demanding. Let them pay for childcare if they expect to call every tune.

Lead your life for yourself, for a change.

My son at 2.5 didn't have squash (still doesn't at 6) and chocolate was a very occasional thing not just every week at Grandma's. I had rules too, grandparents have had their time to decide what's best. Having said that I was very willing and able to pay for childcare, thankfully all grandparents were of the view they had their time deciding what was best for their children and were happy to go along with what we put in place for ours when they had him (because they wanted to, not because we needed them to). I've never condoned play fighting. It's not something people do with little girls and it's not necessary for boys either. In their shoes I wouldn't be ok with your way, but I just wouldn't ask for any childcare.

A lot of drama.

But I also wouldn’t be offering babysitting / childcare when there was a long list of rules attached. No need to lose contact. They will have to compromise, or adjust their lives to look after their own children

Your DDs are rude and entitled.

You took GChild to "give DD a break". That says it all. She is clearly lazy and entitled and needs to grow up.

Hire childcare if you expect to order them about and second-guess every interaction.

I am very patient with the my grandsons but I get pissed off with being criticised all the time, I was angry my husband was playing fighting with one of them, called him a thug jokingly and older daughter tells my younger one and I get it in the neck.

Wow! Seriously

Good for you, who do they think they are.

If you're kind enough to look after grandchildren you do it your way. If they don't like what you're doing they can make other arrangements.

Its understandable you were upset and frustrated, but your response seems very emotionally immature. You’ve lashed out, lost time with dgc and blocked your daughters, likely damaging your relationship with them. You could have just had a conversation instead and resolved it.

it sounds like the ‘long list of rules’ is primarily them asking you not to give small children sugary food and drinks, and you refusing to listen. I’m not really sure why you refuse to listen to that so I can also see their frustration.

What are the “rules”?

Is it things like…. Please let them have a nap / Please don’t let them nap after 5pm. Please don’t give sweets before eating dinner?

I dont use my parents for regular childcare so there are no rules, it a a total treat and free for all for everyone. But with regular childcare I can see how parents need some boundaries and routine maintained. They shouldn’t be shitty with you though, you’re doing them a favour.

Jesus, I don’t think YABU at all. I couldn’t imagine giving my mum or my MIL a list of rules when looking after DD! I’m just super grateful to them when they do, and trust that they are acting in her best interests and that they wouldn’t do anything that I wouldn’t do with her! It sounds very upsetting for you to be told off all the time when you are doing something so hugely helpful for them! I’d be devastated.

It’s not that. My wife gets the same crap and nonsense from our kids too and their spouses. I told her stop doing it. Let them appreciate your absence. They will see trust me

He has water now at mine, very rarely does he have chocolate and I agree about grandparents have had their time being parents. I don’t want to be their parent, I’m happy being nanny and asked and interested in how things have changed. I find it exhausting the constant criticism, my grandson asked for a lollipop last week in front of mum, I’ve never given him one but she didn’t believe me.

It all sounds very drama llama. And exhausting! And you sound quite defensive.. as do your DDs!

Does your H tend to wind the kids up by play fighting with them? I have family members who do that and it is a bit frustrating because the kids then they get wound up and take it too far, then the family members call them naughty! But when we go out to restaurants and other peoples’ houses they are always happy to sit quietly and play because there is nobody winding them up. So maybe that is all she meant?

What do you mean ' it's not something people do with girls??'

Course it is. I'm nearly 50 and I used to play fight with my dad, I used to 'foot fight' and my other half used to play fight with his girls ( and son).

You do you and your rules, but don't try to pretend to know what other people do, especially gender specific

YA all BU. Them for being entitled, you blocking them like you are a teenager yourself. Poor DGKids

" I get slated for giving him any chocolate, very diluted squash encouraging any boisterous play."

For me this is hard because I would be trying to rein my ds in if he's being very boisterous just because I know he gets rough and that usually ends in him nipping or hitting and I don't want him to hurt other kids or anyone else. So if she's trying to be consistent with that then I can see why she'd want you to do the same as an important person in her dcs life. Mine is also nearly 2.5 and honestly I feel like I'm actually pissing in the wind trying to establish 'gentle hands' so if i thought someone was under mining that (even if well intentioned) I would probably lose my shit.

I equally wouldn't give chocolate or squash because I worry about ds teeth and his hatred of getting them cleaned, but I know my parents give my ds more sugar than I would and for the sake of one afternoon a week I wouldn't be mentioning it unless it was really excessive amounts.

I think when you're a parent and you're in the weeds with a young family you just want to do everything right and it sounds like your dds are trying so hard themselves that they're losing their perspective

This all really depends on what the rules are. The few details you've given are subjective - how long is "long"? How many rules exactly? etc.

Number aside, there is a big difference between, for example:

List 1

No napping after 4pm
Grapes must be cut in half lengthways
No longer than 30 mins iPad time

List 2

Naps must last exactly 55 minutes
No sugars, white carbs, or UPF of any kind
No screens allowed in the same room as child

Maybe you need a chat to DH to ask him not to play rough and wind them up? If it’s going to cause drama. Is he your DD dad?

When things calm down I would message back

I love spending time with DS and am happy to look after him x times a week. He will be loved, looked after, safe and will have fun. Just like all grandparents he will get to do things with us he isn't allowed to with you because that is part of the Gparent - Child bond. Just like you did with your GParents, do you remember XYZ? It is up to you whether you are happy for that to happen and we respect your decision.

Your DD is full on PFB mode, with never ending info of what to do to be the perfect mum coming at her from all angles couple with mum guilt. She will chill out in a few years or when she has more children. She just needs a reminder that you have already raised children successfully. As long as you stick to current safety advice on things like SIDS and car seats then she needs to get on board with other novel things you'll be doing.

Edit: having seen the squash and chocolate things - he doesn't need it and it's bad for his teeth and if he is used to not having it won't be asking for it. You need to pick your battles OP, falling out and not seeing DD and DGS over chocolate and squash is ridiculous.

Rude

You don’t come off well op, you sound unhinged tbh. I was expecting some precious rules, but my 2 year old has never had squash or chocolate in their life.

I pay for a nursery that feeds them food I approve of and has age appropriate activities precisely because if they were looked after by my inlaws they’d be feed crap and they wouldn’t listen to our rules.

My maternal granny I was very close to, she followed my mothers rules to the letter and they were a united team. I was close to both. Worth working with your children instead of against them. And perhaps that looks like not doing any baby sitting if it’s not working for anyone.

You sound incredibly defensive and reactive. I wouldn’t want someone that emotionally unregulated around my children.

Thank you, it is devastating, I feel so upset and have just had enough of being criticised, I’ve been criticised for not having them stay overnight but they don’t want to sleep away from home. I just couldn’t take it today and snapped.

OP, I wish we had a grandparent who would watch our toddler once a week. Your youngesr daughter seems to be taking your help for granted. Maybe don’t punish the other one as well though, she doesbt seem to have done anything wrong?