Is it that much of a turn-off when a man never had a GF?

[SharpMember]

The only sex I ever had was what I paid for at age 30 after trying to get it the normal way all my life. I paid for it until I was like 34 but after that age it’s been the same as it was in my 20s. I am 39 now and still single simply because I lack experience in real relationships.

should I give up?

I also think that paying for sex is a lot better than staying in a relationship for the sex and wasting the time of a real woman who probably wants kids

Not 'a real woman' is probably the weirdest view on prostituted women I've ever read.
Nothing about paying women for sex is healthy, it doesn't promote healthy attitudes towards women, and men don't learn how to engage with women or form relationships.

Therapy would be the most help to OP, as a previous poster said look for a BACP registered therapist. At this point, what have you got to lose?
www.bacp.co.uk/about-us/protecting-the-public/bacp-register/

I had a boyfriend before DH who was early 30s and a virgin, literally never kissed anyone. I was OK with it but he was a crap shag 🤷‍♀️ At least you’ve got some sexual experience. I’m sure you could find a partner, even at 39. Don’t give up, join some clubs, go on dating websites and try dating women who aren’t your usual ‘type’. Even if the first date doesn’t go well, consider asking her for a second one, the worst she can say is no. It could have just been nerves on both sides.

‘People’ being me, on page 1. But he doesn’t want to acknowledge anyone who suggested it.

Mumsnet does make me laugh sometimes.

According to various threads I've read, prostitution is a perfectly valid way to make a living and it's exactly the same as selling any product, no one should think a prostitute is any different from say a teacher or lawyer( needless to say I think this is a load of shit). Also I've been told on here that the correct word is sex worker because prostitute has negative associations( wtf?).

But now we have a single man berated for having paid for sex. If no man is supposed to be paying for sex how are these wonderful sex workers supposed to make a living?

Prostitution has been around for thousands of years( anyone seen the brothel in Pompeii?) and will continue as long as there are humans on the planet.

Of course no one has the right to sex, it's not vital to life, but if single men who can't find a willing woman to have sex with I can't see the problem with them visiting a prostitute occasionally.

Prostitution is not rape and yes, you can buy consent in my opinion.
I'm a woman in early 60s in case anyone thinks I'm a man.

People on a public forum have different opinions maybe?

You can agree the terms for which you engage in a sexual encounter. I don’t get why “for money” is such a terrible reason but “boredom, horniness, to get your numbers up” are so much more acceptable.

I didn't mean to overlook the fact that it was your suggestion to begin with, I was just acknowledging that it has been recommended. And I agree the OP isn't responding to advice, he doesn't appear to be able to make use of it.

What if that woman has been trafficked, coerced, abused or otherwise harmed?

Or is that ok?

But consent is freely given. If I choose to have sex with somebody on the basis that they pay je £300 that is the terms of my consent. It’s not different to if the “terms” are that they love me or want to be in a relationship with me or won’t tell anybody or etc.

I have friends who are Full Service Sex Workers (one a very close friend and former housemate).

I know they would be perplexed to be informed that they are actually rape victims and are raped every time they engage / engaged in their profession at the time.

It’s not ok.

But what if that woman has not been trafficked, coerced, abused or otherwise harmed - is that ok?

wasting the time of a real woman

Are sex workers not "real women"? WTF?

@JHound Other posters have pointed out that consent isn't always "freely given". There are many scenarios in which women aren't at liberty to make that choice without pressure. We don't know how "freely given" consent was in the OP's use of a woman for paid sex. He might not even have known himself but went ahead anyway, and that in itself would be unethical.

How would it be possible to determine that a woman whose body you are renting for sex has not been trafficked, coerced, abused or otherwise harmed? Particularly someone like the OP, who has the emotional intelligence of a teaspoon?

Some food for thought for those of you saying renting a woman’s body is no big deal:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-64965574.amp

https://www.ojp.gov/ncjrs/virtual-library/abstracts/prostitution-buying-right-rape-rape-and-sexual-assault-iii-p-143

https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/prostitution-sexual-violence

And this excellent book:

https://amzn.eu/d/gmnf96U

Those links address the issue of consent with prostitution and some of the wider issues.

Men who use prostituted women don’t care about consent. They care about getting their own wants satisfied.

You couldn’t but you could not determine that with any sexual partner that they did not have anything else going on mentally (nor with any other industry that are known to be targets for supply of trafficked individuals such as cleaning, certain restaurants, nail salons, car washing etc.)

You can reduce the likelihood exponentially by the sex worker you choose to frequent, the price you are willing to pay, only going to legal, licensed establishments etc.

I know that some women have an issue with men who have paid for sex but I genuinely do not think it is as significant a portion as MN believe.

I also think it is one of the most honest and upfront sexual exchanges and is far more preferable than what seems to be the current model of men deceiving women into sex but making out it is something it is not.

You are not “renting somebody’s body”.

You are paying for a sexual service.

Yes I am aware that a lot of MN have a very specific SWERF stance on sex work. I just don’t think this will pose as much of an issue with potential partners as MNs thinks it will.

Did you read any of the links?

Going back to the OPs question - would it be a deal breaker to date someone who’d never been in a relationship? I think most have said, not necessarily but would need a bit more info.

The more info is that he loved a woman for 13 years, she was perfect but turned him down because he didn’t know how to do sex. OK. That’s a bit odd, not sure we’re getting the full picture here. Start scanning the horizon for flags.

But he paid a sex worker to workshop that, the sex thing is sorted, the issue is I can’t get a girlfriend because I’ve never had a girlfriend. Many came along saying, yeah, the paying for sex could well be a deal breaker tho. At the very least we’re getting into ‘ick’ territory with that. So he said, well, I’ll just lie about that. Then it became ‘I lied about the sex work thing anyway’. Red flags began to flutter.

We also got the ‘I’m a nice guy. My boss shags women in exchange for work/promotions’. OK. A different sort of sex work I suppose, but the red flags move to flapping.

People try to tell him that he seems to have a problematic view of what a ‘relationship’ is, give him advice about communication etc or suggest that a therapist might be a better approach. We are left with nothing except the sound of the red flags flapping in the breeze on that.

Fair summary!

I am going to momentarily go back to that woman. I didn’t love her for 13 years, I tried asking her out 13 years ago (I’ve known her for 25 years of my life).

What happened was, I asked her out and said I loved her and said I’d always be there for her and help her out in any way (especially since I could afford it financially as I made 75k back then). I also said I love her and the fact that she still chose to be in my life despite all that occurred, and I offered to be in hers the same way no matter what. I explained I spent 2 years going back to school to get a better job and afford a better place so that I could financially afford to spend more time with her.

I then said I was completely inexperienced with relationships, which is what caused her to reject me.

Go and have a full check up for STDs. Put that in the past and try to get to know women and form strong friendshps. If sex happens it happens, but don't target it.

OP it sounds like even though you had known of her since you were a teenager, you didn't have much of a friendship with her. Otherwise, when you finally told her your feelings and asked her out, how could it have come as such a surprise to her that you hadn't had any girlfriends?

Despite the dodginess of how you went about getting sexual experience, I have some compassion for you as a human being because you've clearly had a lonely time of it. Loneliness can be very painful, especially when it becomes chronic. If it's true that your father was as awful as you said, I'm not surprised you're confused about sex and relationships. But you won't overcome how that has affected you without seeing a professional counsellor/therapist who can help you come to terms with it. You could do worse than spend some of your income on that for a while. Chances are with that sort of support to look at yourself and how your personal life and relationship with yourself has been spoiled by the abuse/neglect in your background, you'd eventually be in a much better position to meet a partner.

be honest if you think it was my inexperience that caused her to reject me.

i still think about her often