Is it that much of a turn-off when a man never had a GF?

[SharpMember]

The only sex I ever had was what I paid for at age 30 after trying to get it the normal way all my life. I paid for it until I was like 34 but after that age it’s been the same as it was in my 20s. I am 39 now and still single simply because I lack experience in real relationships.

should I give up?

I lied about paying for it but I’m already 39. Should I just give up and die alone?

Are you actually reading these comments? As your responses show no engagement with, or understanding of, what’s being said to you.

Okay, if you’re going to respond to a lengthy post with one mostly irrelevant (and probably dishonest) line then yes, give up on relationships and learn how to enjoy being single.

Hi OP, I'm sorry that you haven't had a relationship, and I'm sorry that you're getting a hard time about paying for sex on here. MN can be quite puritan sometimes. I don't think there's anything wrong with paying for sex if you're not cheating on a partner. It's the oldest job in the world. People don't usually admit to it, though. If you find a relationship, I wouldn't ever admit it. It's your money and you did it when single and lonely, and it's not any future partner's business. And you made sure she wasn't trafficked. Everyone knew where they stood.

I also think that paying for sex is a lot better than staying in a relationship for the sex and wasting the time of a real woman who probably wants kids. Many, many, MANY men do that, but it's the honest transaction of prostitution that gets a bad rap? It's far worse to string a woman along and waste her fertile years, in my view.

In terms of how to have a relationship, start by thinking of the things that interest you. Super-hero films? Cookery? Sport? Whatever you're into, there'll be women who are into the same thing. And have a think about the things you like to talk about, and who you are. Opposites my attract, but similar people are more likely to stay together.

Get a makeover if you need one. There are personal shoppers at large department stores who are free and would love to help you. There are also lots of videos on YouTube about how to dress. And your hairdresser will have some ideas.

There are many groups for different interests on Meetup.com.

Good luck xxx

Can everyone please stop being horrible to the OP? He's clearly lonely and has come here for support.

You can’t buy consent.

The “it’s the oldest profession” trope is an attempt to romanticise this.

Sheesh.

As I said before, your issue is that you are not being your real self with people.
Friendships and relationships require that, first of all, you are your true self.

You need therapy to be able to do this.

If you won't get therapy, then yes, you will continue to be alone.

Don't instruct people. Coerced consent is not consent. No one can buy consent.

"We live in an unequal, patriarchal society where some women have to sleep with their boss in order to gain promotion at work. I see this situation and conclude that it is also permissable for me to take advantage of the subjugation of women and pay for a woman's consent".

The issue with paying for sex is that it demonstrates you see women on some level as objects for your gratification. You took advantage of the fact that women haven't achieved full equality. The existence of men with this attitude is the reason women haven't achieved full equality.

When consent is bought what kind of sex even is that? I cannot imagine how it's possible to be aroused by using a woman's body like this, where there is no genuine reciprocal desire? Even if we didn't live in a patriarchy this aspect would bother me.

A lot of people consider “bought sex” to be rape because of the lack of freely given consent.

And that's a valid point of view, particularly where there are certain other elements of control in a woman's situation. But the OP is reflecting on his behaviour in his early 30s and hasn't said that he intends to pay for sex again. He's asking for a point of view that might help him make sense of the lifelong difficulties he has had meeting a partner. I'm not sure the "You're no better than a rapist" comments need to keep being levelled at him.

I’d say examining the attitudes towards women that allowed him to get his rocks off without freely given consent are pretty central to the discussion. Plus, I’ll challenge men who think using prostituted women is ok every single time.

He has had different points of view, some quite long posts with good, considered advice and some questions seeking context and clarification. He has engaged with none of that. Just comes back with victim/entitled statements. He want validation or to wind up the silly women.

Not disagreeing with you at all. I only meant that I get the impression OP already realises it was wrong.

Unfortunately it feels like the OP struggles to function at that level of introspection, or at any rate can't effectively engage and articulate it, which is why people have suggested counselling or therapy.

This is correct ✅

Also getting incel vibes

@SharpMember

I could’ve provided a future, my income was good. Also I can provide companionship, I’d already succeeded at that with her for a decade at that point. i would’ve done the best I could to keep up for her.

These are tick box things though, they aren't about you as an individual person.

I know lots of nice blokes who have good jobs and aren't bad looking but I don't fancy or see in a romantic way.

I'm sure they see me in the same way - nice, good job, not bad looking but just not someone they fancy or see romantically.

You're focused on the sort of standardised role of 'girlfriend' rather than the idea of meeting someone you really click with. Who makes you laugh. Who you have natural chemistry with. Who you naturally have fun with, without needing to make an effort, because you share a sense of humour.

If a woman you liked said to you 'if you do x, y, z I will date you' and the things she listed weren't things you are naturally, genuinely interested in then I think you would still say yes and just pretend to enjoy them or do them in order to keep her interested. That isn't healthy.

So many women have written huge replies and he replies essentially 'wehhh'.

She just wasn't that into you. Chemistry is like that, you can do 'everything right' (though given your attitude here, I very much doubt that is the case) and the other person still just isn't feeling it and doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.

The fact you are still harbouring resentment at her 13 years later suggests that you have some deep-seated issues that would be better addressed with therapy and learning how to be content single.

And you can't ever know for sure if a sex worker is coerced, abused, trafficked etc. Some men are willing to take the risk in order to ejaculate into a woman rather than masturbating. Im confused as to why you don't understand how grossly off-putting it is to many women if a man chose to take that risk.

Does he?

He’s largely made comments like “I learned what to do when I bought it” and “What was I supposed to do, give up?”

He meant give up on ever finding a partner. And he's reflecting on a period of his life and behaviour that he has since questioned. I'm just not sure that repeatedly condemning one man and the particular circumstances for the actions of all rapists ever helps much with rehabilitation.

He meant give up on sex.

I’m condemning him for his actions (if the OP is even real, which I’m not convinced about) - there is not one shred of regret or reflection about his choice to use prostituted women.

The regret/reflection could be implicit, because he stopped after a while and I'm not sure he has said he would do it again. But I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt, that's true. You're right about this possibly not even being real, but it might be and we're engaging with it even so.