Is it that much of a turn-off when a man never had a GF?

[SharpMember]

The only sex I ever had was what I paid for at age 30 after trying to get it the normal way all my life. I paid for it until I was like 34 but after that age it’s been the same as it was in my 20s. I am 39 now and still single simply because I lack experience in real relationships.

should I give up?

I've known men who seem to want a woman to fill a girlfriend-shaped-hole in their lives. Any woman - and if they get one they do all the same cliche 'romantic' stuff, with no reference to the girlfriend as an individual with her own tastes and feelings. Unsurprisingly these relationships don't last long.

This feels like that.

I think that ‘women turning you down because of your inexperience’ is a convenient self-delusion. Women are turning you down because you’re a repellent, sex-fixated misogynist who doesn’t appear to view women other than in terms of how they relate to you. The only woman you appear to think highly of you value because of her ‘loyalty’. Like a Labrador.

If you're referring to my comment, that's not what I said. Don't put words into my mouth to fit your narrative.

On the other hand, you've just outed yourself.

Adios.

she turned me down for inexperience.

You shouldn't really take what someone says for turning you down literally . It could just be a nicer way to say no thanks (for other reasons not mentioned eg she just didn't fancy you ).

Also it seems you've fallen into the myth that sex is everything in a relationship. And that you "need to learn" beforehand. You really don't. In a new relationship you teach each other what the other likes. It can take months years of honest communication. This makes the bond stronger in order to have a long term relationship. I'm afraid you've watched too much porn and have a completely incorrect idea of what sex is like in a relationship.

Try ForeverAlone on Reddit for support, there's a greater understanding that it can sometimes be harder than simply having a shower and buying some new clothes.

Another question is why do you want a girlfriend in the first place. Long term relationships are hard and take alot of work and commitment as well as lots of patience and understanding as well as forgiveness . A lot of people are much happier being single.

Suspect she detected something else in your psyche and that you just weren't a good match.

So, a salary of £100k, you're a software engineer or something in the middle of a desert, the only roles I can think of where you have little opportunity to round your personality.

You shouldn't have disrespected a woman and all women by thinking that you could purchase her consent.

Why are you acting like your only two options were paying for sex at or giving up on the idea of ever having a relationship?

How far towards a relationship did paying for sex get you?

And you STILL haven't answered these questions.

As this has gone on I’m wondering why our friend would come to this particular forum
for insight. If you’d been just a little bit cleverer you could’ve played this for longer @SharpMember You blew your load prematurely

You had different sorts of feelings for and about her, but it seems you were confused about what your feelings meant. Taken together, I mean. You've mentioned feeling like you wanted to cheer her up when she was feeling low, for example, but you also desired her sexually and it seems you had difficulty making sense of those different levels of feelings in a way that meant you could relate to her as a person rather than as a sexual object. She apparently rejected you sexually and it was obviously difficult for you to accept that and just go on relating to her as a close friend. Instead, you went somewhere in your head and tried to rationalise her rejection in a way that made you think she (or any other woman you had feelings for) could only accept you as an already experienced sexual being. Unfortunately you didn't wait long enough to find out that that was you being very confused and effectively lying to yourself, and you then arranged to pay to have sex with a different woman. Doing that has just confused you even more, while also making you feel resentful (because it wasn't the answer).

To answer your question, no it is not a turn-off when a man hasn't had a girlfriend before or is a virgin.

However the reasons why he is in that position are likely to be a turn off.

Can you see the difference in these two statements?

The reasons may be practical, e.g. lack of job, overweight, poor hygiene, never moved out of his parents home.
The reason may be that he doesn't relate to women as friends. He sees women only in terms of sex.
The reason may be he has no social skills and doesn't have any friends, let alone female friends.
The reason may be horrible personality traits, such as selfishness, cruelty, dishonesty, etc. etc.
The reason may be he is always aiming too high, only goes after women way out of his league and ignores all the nice normal women around him.

Whatever the reasons for your situation, work on them.
I would start with an honest self-evaluation of your personality - you come across here as having a nasty entitled self-centred aspect.

You made the mistake of believing your friend when she said it was your inexperience - she was just trying to let you down gently instead of being truthful that she just didn't fancy you.

I could almost be myself around her.

That is your issue. You are not yourself around people - women or men. They sense this. No-one likes falseness.
Get some therapy to look at this. Learn how to be your true self with people.

Your description above only talks about what she did for you - what you got out of the relationship. Have a think about what you gave her.

I don't think this improves your argument 😏

My dad’s a molester, family is abusive, my mothers all I got.

I’d seek therapy if I was you.

I could’ve provided a future, my income was good. Also I can provide companionship, I’d already succeeded at that with her for a decade at that point.

i would’ve done the best I could to keep up for her.

I think most women are looking for more than companionship from an intimate relationship. I feel like you don’t know yourself, or have a very good understanding of relationships and what might be required to form and maintain them.
I’d really recommend therapy for some personal development, and even the therapeutic relationship itself with the therapist or counsellor may benefit you too.

What are they looking for?

So many more factors than simply companionship. Felt that was a very one dimensional response.
I cannot speak for all women out there as we are all so different, but as a woman in her mid 30s I wouldn’t marry or be in a relationship with a man simply because he has an alright income and he provides companionship, lol.

Emotional connection, support, kindness, fun, sense of humour, sense of adventure, outgoing, practical, mutual interests and hobbies, deep conversation, debate, physical touch, shared values, shared goals, similar views.

I think to have a successful relationship, you need to know yourself, and you need to have the ability to work on yourself and work through things with your partner. I’ve been with my partner for over 13 years.

I’ll ask again, what would you want

nevermind saw edit. And I’m 39 so it’ll probably help

The companionship?

Every woman is so different so difficult to generalise but I’m sure many are seeking much more than companionship, otherwise you’d just be friendzoned?

How could I have not fucked it up with her then? 13 years ago

Top trolling mate. Top trolling!

She always responded to calls/texts fast. She was genuinely interested in me, she picked me up when I was down and I promised to do the same for her. I could almost be myself around her. She truly was one of a kind.

She's not one of a kind, this is pretty much what every adult woman in a relationship does.

I’ll ask again, what would you want

As has been said before, what every woman wants is different, as every woman is different.

For me, there has to be a strong physical attraction and connection (again, what appeals to me may well be different to what appeals to other women), I'm looking for kindness, honesty/transparency, someone who makes me laugh a lot, who can be empathetic and supportive, who has good conflict resolution skills, financially sensible and self-sufficient, someone who I find interesting and intelligent, who doesn't make embarrassing racist or sexist jokes, who genuinely respects women, who knows how to pull his weight around the house. Basically a man who I can genuinely respect.

Someone with a moral compass that included paying for sex and thinking "Well, some people lie and treat women like sex objects and get away with it, so is there really anything wrong with it?" would not be someone who I would consider for a relationship, experienced or not.

If your father was a molester and your family was abusive, have you had a LOT of therapy to deal with this?

Do you have any close, healthy male relationship role models in your life (ie friends or mentors who are in happy long term relationships who you see up close on a regular basis)?

As others have said, the real problem is not your lack of experience. The problem is what is causing you to have a lack of experience. This is most likely that without being aware of it, you act in awkward/intense/withdrawn/morally dubious ways and most women pick up on this and back off.

You have to deal with your behavioural issues before you will find a relationship. The fact that you seemingly have NO idea what these could be means you really lack self-awareness and need assistance from a therapist who is going to be able to be supportive and honest with you without the pressure of also being your friend or a potential partner.