Was my relationship with my youth worker as a teenager weird?

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When I was 15 I was part of a youth group associated with the church that i attended since childhood. I became very close with one of the male leaders who I'd known since I was very small. Nothing actually sexual happened between us and I actually have warm feeling towards him when I think of him now. However when I look at it all as an adult, through the lense of an married women with children, it feels so inappropriate and I need help knowing how to feel about it.
He was very kind to me and did extremely sweet things for me. With it being a church youth group, he was invested in me becoming Christian, although no one in my family was particularly religious even though id gone to church regularly since childhood with my nanna. I think this could be used as an excuse as to why he was so invested in spending time with me, because he wanted to convert me.

But we'd spend so much time together, in his car, chatting for hours after he'd dropped me off. And he told me he would purposely drop me off a little bit away from my house so my grandad and dad wouldn't see us in the car together. He said he knew there was nothing untoward going on but was concerned about how it looked to others.
He'd tell me not to sleep with other boys, when I was around 16/17. This would be framed in a 'it's not what's in gods plan for you' way. And he never hinted that he wanted to sleep with me but i remember going to a boys house one night after he'd tried to persuade me not to and he text me on the night saying 'have fun'. Which in hindsight seems a little off.
When I was a fair bit older and had moved away and came back to visit, I was walking with him, and a boy that I didn't recognise said hello to me, I didn't know who it was and my youth leader said 'probably someone you've had sex with'. Which was all very jokey at the time but again now, seems weird.

This was a man in his 30s, married with 5 children. I was friends with his wife. I'd baby sit for them, clean their house, take their kids to school once of week. Again he was a gentle soul, we had a laugh and a loved spending time with him. But we were incredibly intense together and he was my closest relationship at that time. Now my husband is a dad in his 30s and I'm trying to picture him spending that amount of time with a teenage girl and I can't! I think it would break our marriage. I'd feel sick to my stomach. I'm having a hard time knowing how to think about all this, maybe someone has some wisdom?

You've a gut feeling something wasn't OK for a reason.
I don't know how to say this in a gentle way. He was grooming you.

This is spiritual abuse masquerading as religion OP. I am so sorry.
Do you still have faith now? Regardless, it may be worth speaking to a counselor trained in trauma happening in places of worship.

Yes that is what I would tell someone else if they described the situation to me.
But it's harder for me to see.
I also think that if he were trying to groom me, why didn't he succeed? This went on from 15 to around 19. Surely if he was sinister, it would have become sexual at some point?

Yes it was inappropriate.

Thank you.
Since hearing about the abuse scandal in the church I have thought more and more about this. I wish I could just ask him, his own intentions, because it incredibly confusing for me to think that they might have been bad.
I have a sort of faith yes.

Groomers can take years and it doesn't have to result in a sexual act. Like other behaviours, grooming is about control.
You might have been his first person he groomed...he was learning how to act, before moving on.

Sounds like he got his kicks imagining you having sex, and then controlling you so it didn’t happen, or happened when he dictated. There are some very weird people out there who really don’t care who they abuse to get off.

Yes that's certainly what it sounds like isn't it.
But he just does not seem like that man (I know none of them do), and he was very invested in Christianity; part of me think he just desperately wanted me to do the right thing by 'god', but that maybe boundaries got crossed that shouldn't have in his head. Rather than it all being a guise and him being a groomer. Either way, I think he was old enough to be wiser

Were you paid for the babysitting and cleaning?

This sounds so creepy OP. I bet there are others out there who were groomed by this man.
Are you 100% sure nothing more sinister ever happened and your brain has just erased it in an attempt to protect you?

This could well be the truth. He certainly wasn't close with the other girls at the time. We all talked a lot about stuff, so I knew.
He later confided in me that he'd almost cheated on his wife (with a girl who was of legal age, but nearly 20 years younger)
And that he was putting actions in place to make sure the temptation was never there again. I think all the just strikes me as a man with poor boundaries and emotionally intelegamce rather than a groomer. But maybe my head just can't quite see it

Groomers do come across well- charming or gentle or kind- it’s how they have to be in order to operate. And I have heard that paedophiles in particular think of grooming as a team effort, if they are prevented from taking the action they want to, the grooming they have already done will make it easier for the next one to get a bit further because the victim has been pre-prepared.

It may be worth you speaking to a counsellor or a therapist if you can, to work out all this in your head. And perhaps if he is still involved in youth work, you could make a report about him- just as you’ve written it here- the bit about him not wanting your dad to see the two of you in his car is pretty chilling.

Not that I remember, but I certainly didn't mind. I loved the kids and was happy to be out the house.

I always felt very safe and comfortable with him. So I'm pretty sure that nothing ever happened no. I was a chaotic teenager tho, a lot of those years seem like a traumatic blur now.

Men who groom and abuse children or young people do not have two heads and the word 'monster' plastered on their foreheads. They appear perfectly nice and normal. They are our fathers, uncles, grandfathers, brothers, teachers, and sometimes our youth group leaders. They want to have power and control over their victims. For this they need to be in a position of trust.

Yes it was creepy, it’s incredibly creepy for any adult man to be talking to a teenager about her sex life (not in a professional context) and he was clearly obsessed with thinking about what you might be doing. When I read the beginning of your OP I thought he would be a lad of 20 or so in which case it would be inappropriate but I his thirties and married with kids fgs. Of course it wasn’t right and thank goodness nothing worse happened.

My views on organised religion probably preclude me from giving you a respectful response to your suggestion that he was motivated by his faith. BBut looking at it objectively - what better way to exert control over someone than to assume a leadership role and connect the relationship to faith and morality? There have been enough scandals exposed by now to indicate that abusers are not only not challenged, but allowed to flourish. Is it so impossible that you encountered one of them? Remember that they don’t walk around displaying obviously abusive behaviour, or they’d never gain the confidence of their victims in the first place. I know it’s hard to think that the care he seemed to show you was a sham, but I fear that is the likelihood. I’m sorry.

You were groomed and otherwise targeted by him because you were a vulnerable teenager. His actions were a breach of both his authority and trust.

You’re describing some inappropriate attempts to control your sexual behaviour using the inherent power he had over you. He probably does have poor boundaries and emotional intelligence. He may have been wanting to be a ‘good guy’ or telling himself that he was. But he has also tested your boundaries, which is grooming type behaviour even if nothing overtly sinister came of it.

Groomers don’t think of themselves as groomers. So he wasn’t actively thinking “aha! - I am grooming” but his actions were that of someone who was trying to groom you.

I don't think his intentions were wholesome.

I don't know how long ago this was but even when I was a teen safeguarding was big in youth groups. There was an emphasis on the leaders not spending time alone with a youth of the opposite gender or even giving them a lift home because they could be open to misinterpretation and allegations.

You were a teen and not to blame for anything of this but he definitely seems to have enjoyed the control and influence he had over you. He also disclosed inappropriate things. He was in a position of trust.

I'm sorry you experiencing this. Even without physical actions if your intuition says it feels wrong then it likely was.

With it being a church youth group, he was invested in me becoming Christian
This is what you were being groomed for. Maybe something more later on but following a pre-defined doctrine which you have no say in is essentially grooming. Many organised religions work in this way.

He sounds like the type whose peers would find weird or repellent, so he latched on to you. As a young person, you'd be more likely to look up to him and confide in him. He needed that validation.

I noted your comments about wanting to get out of the house, and being a chaotic teen. So you were vulnerable too. This would have been a green light to him.

It's interesting that you're questioning everything now. Parenthood can do that to us! Hope you're ok

It is very inappropriate to have put you to work without paying you, the fact that you enjoyed it is neither here nor there. Sounds like his wife was in on it, too. I’m sure you could have used the money. They are despicable. I’m just glad there was no sexual contact, you were very lucky.

A bit inappropriate by today's stabdards. Bit weird but sounds innocent enough.