Was my relationship with my youth worker as a teenager weird?

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When I was 15 I was part of a youth group associated with the church that i attended since childhood. I became very close with one of the male leaders who I'd known since I was very small. Nothing actually sexual happened between us and I actually have warm feeling towards him when I think of him now. However when I look at it all as an adult, through the lense of an married women with children, it feels so inappropriate and I need help knowing how to feel about it.
He was very kind to me and did extremely sweet things for me. With it being a church youth group, he was invested in me becoming Christian, although no one in my family was particularly religious even though id gone to church regularly since childhood with my nanna. I think this could be used as an excuse as to why he was so invested in spending time with me, because he wanted to convert me.

But we'd spend so much time together, in his car, chatting for hours after he'd dropped me off. And he told me he would purposely drop me off a little bit away from my house so my grandad and dad wouldn't see us in the car together. He said he knew there was nothing untoward going on but was concerned about how it looked to others.
He'd tell me not to sleep with other boys, when I was around 16/17. This would be framed in a 'it's not what's in gods plan for you' way. And he never hinted that he wanted to sleep with me but i remember going to a boys house one night after he'd tried to persuade me not to and he text me on the night saying 'have fun'. Which in hindsight seems a little off.
When I was a fair bit older and had moved away and came back to visit, I was walking with him, and a boy that I didn't recognise said hello to me, I didn't know who it was and my youth leader said 'probably someone you've had sex with'. Which was all very jokey at the time but again now, seems weird.

This was a man in his 30s, married with 5 children. I was friends with his wife. I'd baby sit for them, clean their house, take their kids to school once of week. Again he was a gentle soul, we had a laugh and a loved spending time with him. But we were incredibly intense together and he was my closest relationship at that time. Now my husband is a dad in his 30s and I'm trying to picture him spending that amount of time with a teenage girl and I can't! I think it would break our marriage. I'd feel sick to my stomach. I'm having a hard time knowing how to think about all this, maybe someone has some wisdom?

I sympathise with you. I was also groomed as a young adult and it happened because I was vulnerable and lonely, and he could see that. I look back now at the horrifically inappropriate things he said to me or asked me. He was old enough to have been my grandfather and I didn't think he would see me in that way because of the age gap. In the end he physically crossed the line and I decided I would never give him an opportunity to do anything again. In my mid 30s, I'm still angry about it to this day.

It taught me to listen to my gut feeling. If I feel a bit fearful or uneasy around someone I should not quieten that voice, or allow them to belittle me into ignoring it.

I agree with PP that on top of all of the more covert grooming behaviours, his mask slipped when he said "probably someone you've had sex with".

It's a deeply troubling, unsettling and inappropriate dynamic he as an adult drew you into and kept you in.

You wouldn't let your daughter spend time alone with a man behaving the way he was behaving towards you, because you know that he is not fundamentally a safe adult due to the behaviour he exhibited towards a younger you.

Don't sell yourself short. You, just as much as your own daughter, deserve to not be treated in such an inappropriate way by an older man, especially one in a position of trust and with a dollop of religion on top to complicate things further.

I would be staggered if he has never treated another girl the same way again and the fact you believe it was a one off with you shows he likely used textbook grooming methods - telling you you're so mature for your age, he wouldn't be able to speak about things like this to the other girls etc, he shouldn't be telling you this but you're such a good listener and so understanding etc.

You know what kind of adult males talk to 15/16/17 year old girls about sex? Predatory ones.

@B0RING please don’t get me wrong. I was a church youth worker and all too well know how wrong this kind of behaviour was. I am not trying to say it was okay or normal at all. However in this world people did have wrong over emotional relationships with young people without them being physically sexual.

The UK evangelical Christian youth work sub culture is a weird one and also quite hard to explain. There was a huge emphasis on sexual purity and waiting until marriage to have sex. This meant that we discussed sex way too much as we couldn’t have it! I realise now how weird it was to discuss sex with youth leaders and teenagers. It was over evasive and creepy. We thought being good Christians meant being an open book. It makes me sick to think about the lack of boundaries I had during this time. Saying all that I never did that 121 with a young person and what the OP experienced would have been seen as wrong even in the intense Christian circles I moved in.

If you want to know more about the weirdness of UK evangelical youth work look at the Soul Survivor/ Mike Pilavachi scandal.

I would be staggered if he has never treated another girl the same way again and the fact you believe it was a one off with you shows he likely used textbook grooming methods

He told her about nearly "cheating" with another young girl - 20 years younger ... which if he was 30s and this was pre OP involvement (tho it may have been in parallel?) ... this girl would have been a young / mid teen as well.

Op was not the firstand I doubt the last. What differentiated these two relationship situations ? Neither 'crossed the line physically" -but HE declared that was his intent with the previous young teen.....

Porn is seen as wrong in churches (as it is generally on MN I believe?), but also as in real life some men can’t resist it. So some men in churches support/encourage each other when someone is struggling and tempted to view it.

from what you written, I think he generally had good intentions, but he was inappropriate. If a youth leader thinks they should talk about porn issues or not having sex before marriage, that should be done in an age appropriate way, and it should be female talking to the girls, and males talking to the boys. Not one to one male leader to teenage girl. The comment ‘guy you probably had sex with’ was highly inappropriate. But all in all, sounds inappropriate but well intentioned.

When I was 31 my dad's friend text me whilst drunk what porn do I like. My dad drove the four hours to his house and nearly battered him. That was at 31. Imagine e you where like 14. He groomed you and I'd say you have blocked out a lot of it op ❤️

@TriptoTipp
No the other woman was not a young teenager and not someone involved in the church, nor was it before or parallel to when we were close. He confided this in me when I was a bit older and was visiting my grandad. It was not out of the ordinary for us to chat about things in our life that were hard. But it did show me that he had low boundaries and weak emotional reserve to be susceptible to potentially doing that. And obviously I wasn't the most appropriate person to confide in but perhaps it felt safer to chat to me than one of his peers in the church who might be more judgemental.

@SunnyTealLeader

I think you're being unfair.
This is something in my own personal history. I've used this as a space to get out some of my muddled Ideas about this.
It does not effect my ability to be a normal adult woman in my day to day life!
I do not work in safe guarding or with young people.
The man I'm referring to, I'm aware of what his job is and what church he attends.
I've found this thread very helpful. But my past and potential current jobs have nothing to do with it.

He later confided in me that he'd almost cheated on his wife (with a girl who was of legal age, but nearly 20 years younger)

Sounds quite young to me. Its revealing a pattern of problematic behavior.

I actually don't think you're being helpful in the slightest.
You're being pedantic about the age. Other girl - Late teen girl - Mid 30s man Which really isn't the point of my OP.

I have not shrugged anything off. I'm just processing things. If I was shrugging it off I wouldn't have ever given a second thought or posted about it.