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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Was my relationship with my youth worker as a teenager weird?

202 replies

gregometer · 27/12/2024 09:17

When I was 15 I was part of a youth group associated with the church that i attended since childhood. I became very close with one of the male leaders who I'd known since I was very small. Nothing actually sexual happened between us and I actually have warm feeling towards him when I think of him now. However when I look at it all as an adult, through the lense of an married women with children, it feels so inappropriate and I need help knowing how to feel about it.
He was very kind to me and did extremely sweet things for me. With it being a church youth group, he was invested in me becoming Christian, although no one in my family was particularly religious even though id gone to church regularly since childhood with my nanna. I think this could be used as an excuse as to why he was so invested in spending time with me, because he wanted to convert me.

But we'd spend so much time together, in his car, chatting for hours after he'd dropped me off. And he told me he would purposely drop me off a little bit away from my house so my grandad and dad wouldn't see us in the car together. He said he knew there was nothing untoward going on but was concerned about how it looked to others.
He'd tell me not to sleep with other boys, when I was around 16/17. This would be framed in a 'it's not what's in gods plan for you' way. And he never hinted that he wanted to sleep with me but i remember going to a boys house one night after he'd tried to persuade me not to and he text me on the night saying 'have fun'. Which in hindsight seems a little off.
When I was a fair bit older and had moved away and came back to visit, I was walking with him, and a boy that I didn't recognise said hello to me, I didn't know who it was and my youth leader said 'probably someone you've had sex with'. Which was all very jokey at the time but again now, seems weird.

This was a man in his 30s, married with 5 children. I was friends with his wife. I'd baby sit for them, clean their house, take their kids to school once of week. Again he was a gentle soul, we had a laugh and a loved spending time with him. But we were incredibly intense together and he was my closest relationship at that time. Now my husband is a dad in his 30s and I'm trying to picture him spending that amount of time with a teenage girl and I can't! I think it would break our marriage. I'd feel sick to my stomach. I'm having a hard time knowing how to think about all this, maybe someone has some wisdom?

OP posts:
Sladequeen · 31/12/2024 12:03

gregometer · 29/12/2024 19:45

@TriptoTipp

'Grooming is when someone builds a relationship, trust and emotional connection with a child or young person so they can manipulate, exploit and abuse them."

That's the thing though. Was it grooming? He did the relationship building and emotional connection, but he didn't exploit or abuse me.

I think growing up in the church and having your every thought and belief dictated to you and monitored (especially if from a young age) can make it very difficult to ascertain the true moral difference between right and wrong and also make it very hard to gauge your own genuine thoughts, feelings and emotions.
i never learned to trust my own judgement and still really struggle with it now.
its only very recently that i realised i have been victim of serious SA and as a mum i am seeing how much danger i was in as a child and how much power my mum gave to the church and men in general.
i was taught not to question or criticise.
im in my fifties and again, its only the last decade where I’ve learned to truly question and critique the bible and I have become an atheist, partly based on the horrors around us and the ‘free will’ bullshit.
if my kids were being driven home by a man who allowed them to sit chatting in his car alone long after the lift has ended about life, love , sex and his concerns about porn and his accountability buddy I would be straight on the phone to the police.

Sladequeen · 31/12/2024 12:05

BadSkiingMum · 28/12/2024 10:48

Thank you for starting this thread. I am someone who is very concerned about the structures and practices of evangelical and Pentecostal churches, especially in relation to young people. This also includes the evangelical communities within the Church of England. The Pilivachi scandal at Soul Survivor is a case in point.

I think a grave error would be for anyone reading this thread to assume that this is historical and that this kind of un-regulated mentoring setup could not happen today. Church organisations proudly report on the success of their ‘mentoring’ programmes, which might be run by unqualified gap year students - who also pay the church for the privilege! For example, this programme provides ‘outreach’ in schools:

https://www.elim.org.uk/Articles/607834/Limitless_Pioneers_Gap.aspx

They also run a huge youth camp, Limitless, for 11-18 year olds. The website actively advertises for volunteers for all kinds of roles working directly with children: https://www.limitlessfestival.co.uk/Articles/651035/Join_the_Limitless.aspx

This all appears very fun and glossy, but this is actually a church with a very traditional approach to marriage (no sex before marriage) and intolerance of homosexuality. It is heavily male dominated and only in the last few years has a woman broken through onto the national leadership team.
https://www.elim.org.uk/Articles/417850/Our_Leaders.aspx

I could go on, but would urge parents to be alert to the kinds of organisations providing activities, mentoring or even counselling to their children and young people. It is always OK to ask what kind of qualifications someone has, the supervision they are under and to understand an organisation’s safeguarding procedures.

I went to elim church and various Pentecostals and evangelicals , they were all dangerous in some form or another, the youth groups were something else altogether 🙈🤯
cultish behaviour for sure

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