Was my relationship with my youth worker as a teenager weird?

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When I was 15 I was part of a youth group associated with the church that i attended since childhood. I became very close with one of the male leaders who I'd known since I was very small. Nothing actually sexual happened between us and I actually have warm feeling towards him when I think of him now. However when I look at it all as an adult, through the lense of an married women with children, it feels so inappropriate and I need help knowing how to feel about it.
He was very kind to me and did extremely sweet things for me. With it being a church youth group, he was invested in me becoming Christian, although no one in my family was particularly religious even though id gone to church regularly since childhood with my nanna. I think this could be used as an excuse as to why he was so invested in spending time with me, because he wanted to convert me.

But we'd spend so much time together, in his car, chatting for hours after he'd dropped me off. And he told me he would purposely drop me off a little bit away from my house so my grandad and dad wouldn't see us in the car together. He said he knew there was nothing untoward going on but was concerned about how it looked to others.
He'd tell me not to sleep with other boys, when I was around 16/17. This would be framed in a 'it's not what's in gods plan for you' way. And he never hinted that he wanted to sleep with me but i remember going to a boys house one night after he'd tried to persuade me not to and he text me on the night saying 'have fun'. Which in hindsight seems a little off.
When I was a fair bit older and had moved away and came back to visit, I was walking with him, and a boy that I didn't recognise said hello to me, I didn't know who it was and my youth leader said 'probably someone you've had sex with'. Which was all very jokey at the time but again now, seems weird.

This was a man in his 30s, married with 5 children. I was friends with his wife. I'd baby sit for them, clean their house, take their kids to school once of week. Again he was a gentle soul, we had a laugh and a loved spending time with him. But we were incredibly intense together and he was my closest relationship at that time. Now my husband is a dad in his 30s and I'm trying to picture him spending that amount of time with a teenage girl and I can't! I think it would break our marriage. I'd feel sick to my stomach. I'm having a hard time knowing how to think about all this, maybe someone has some wisdom?

Does it really sound innocent to you? Honestly? You’d be happy for your child to have a similar relationship?

No it doesn’t. And it’s not “a bit weird” it’s full-on gross misconduct, sacked and referred to the police if he was doing this stuff today.

Is his name Gareth? I knew a few male youth leaders like that. They were obsessed with talking about sex with the teenage girls.

He later confided in me that he'd almost cheated on his wife (with a girl who was of legal age, but nearly 20 years younger)

This was a boundary push - to see if you were jealous or interested.

There are so many red flags here and your gut knew and knows now.

You were targeted because you were vulnerable.
He was in a position of power church authority and age.
He and his wife expoited you in an employment capacity.
The hiding from your DF and DGF.

The control and curiosity about your sex life .... that was always front of mind as it slipped out when he saw the boy.

Telling you about his 'near cheating' with someone your age.....

Regardless of anything else, it's inappropriate and would go against all safeguarding policies. He knew that which was why he dropped you a distance away from your house.

As a teenager you wouldn't have recognised the behaviour as anything untoward, but seeing it as an adult, as a parent, makes it clearer that he was going way beyond his official role as a youth leader.

That's actually really helpful.
I might be wrong but I just don't see him as a calculated abuser. But rather, someone who was extremely inappropriate, got carried away, poor boundaries and ended up displaying grooming behaviours.
Thank you

What actions was he taking to remove temptation??
By spending lots of time with you alone, taking you in his car alone, parking away from your family sounds like the perfect set up that he could have had the opportunity again.

I used to be part of a church (I don't really believe any more) and rule 1 for any type of leader, was to actively avoid being in a position alone with a child or young person

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to share your thoughts.

He certainly wasn't repellent to his peers, he was well like within the church at least.
I don't think him and his wife exploited me at all, although I appreciate it might sound like that. It was normal in the church for the teens to baby sit.
He wasn't an employee of the church, he was just a volunteer like a lot of others who were involved in the youth work.

He never discussed his sex life with his wife with me, but he did divulge a fair bit of sexual stuff with me. But almost not on a 'weird' way. It's hard to describe. He told me about his struggle with porn and how him and another member of the church kept each other accountable in terms of not watching it. It was inappropriate but not direct sexual chat concerning the two of us if you see what I mean.

@TriptoTipp

Thank you. The bit you said about it always being at the forefront of his mind as he let it slip, stood out to me and is helpful.

I was a teenager in the 00s. I'm not sure how big safeguarding was then. But everyone knew we were close and spent a lot of time together. There was no secrecy. (Other then, in some ways from my dad and grandad)

So on some level you knew your male relatives would take it badly if they knew about your relationship, where you were spending a lot of time sitting alone in a parked car while an older man in a position of authority told you about his sexual life and described his temptations and how he managed them? Gosh, I can’t imagine why… My dad and grandad would have been horrified and made sure he was in no doubt that what he was doing was wrong. Forcefully. The people who stopped your male relatives from knowing about this probably feared the same, so also knew it was wrong. Who was actually protecting you? Not the church, and not your family. This was so wrong in so many ways.

I agree with your assessment here.
He was a bit immature and inapropriate but not sinister.
More like a dorky brother?
Did he have an over all positive effect on you?

@NeddieSeagoonsSteamPoweredTelephone
No, I didn't think it was wrong at all at the time on any level. And my family wernt to know really, so I don't think they're at fault.
I guess the church didn't know that we sat around in his car for ages, but they knew we were friends and that he gave me lifts. It wasn't like he was sneaking around trying to secretly get home into his car.

@user1492757084

Yes that's the vibe! He certainly wasn't cool. He was just funny and lovely. No one disliked him. I'd always from a young age sought adult attention and loved having special bonds with older people. I was a deep thinker and favoured adult conversation. A perfect storm perhaps. That led to an inappropriate situation.

He had a very good effect on me and if I bumped into him now I'd be pleased to see him. I had an eating disorder and he gave me a journal that he'd written encouraging bible verses and positive affirmations in, for me to look at when o was struggling with it. It honestly felt like he was looking out for me when I was in bad situations.

He never discussed his sex life with his wife with me, but he did divulge a fair bit of sexual stuff with me. But almost not on a 'weird' way. It's hard to describe. He told me about his struggle with porn and how him and another member of the church kept each other accountable in terms of not watching it. It was inappropriate but not direct sexual chat concerning the two of us if you see what I mean.

It makes him a sexual being in your mind. It’s deeply inappropriate at best. And he knew that, because he made you complicit in keeping these chats secret from your parents! I think you’re being overly generous now, and I really hope he hasn’t gone on to do this (or worse) to other young girls since you.

He shouldn't have been alone in the car with you. When I was in a church youth group the leader always went out of his way to ensure he dropped the girls first, that his office door was open when having private chats with the youth, brought in his wife into chats where appropriate. In summary, remained beyond approach because even an accusation can be devastating even if unfounded.

He absolutely shouldn't have been talking about his personal relationship to porn or spending hours in the car chatting to you alone.

It’s understandable that you feel so conflicted and want it to have all been innocent- it really is. But the more you say, the more I think he absolutely was grooming you. Had things gone further and he had kissed you or more, you would have been equally conflicted about responding or telling someone- and that’s how these people get away with it.

Safeguarding was a thing in the 00s and he will or should have been crb checked if he was working with young people alone and will or should have had some safeguarding training.

Would you choose to confide in a teenager girl about your porn addiction and considerations of cheating? Would you ask a teenage girl to keep things quiet or hide you’re chatting in a car from her parents? Would any reasonable adult ask this of a teenage girl? Of course not.

It might be hard for you to acknowledge but you were incredibly vulnerable as a teenage girl and this individual took advantage of that vulnerability to engage in inappropriate sexual conversations. You won’t have been the only one and hopefully this dickhead hasn’t got any further than talking to anyone else. He was only being nice to you to get you where he wanted you to be - we can’t know what that was but don’t use his nice acts to balance out the bad stuff, he only did the nice stuff so he could do the bad stuff. Sorry this happened to you op.

So you'd be ok with your 30 something year old husband talking about porn with a teenager and making sure he dropped her down the road from her parents so they couldn't see him.

Come on OP I know you really really want to think of him as a dorky big brother but they're the actions of a sick man.

I think you had a lucky escape. Let's hope he didn't groom any other young girls.

This. All of these things broke the rules that were in place at that time. Even 20 years ago it was not ok for

adult male leaders to be alone in the car with teenage girls
or to have secret , private , intense , exclusive friendships
or to talk about sexual matters with opposite sex kids
or to ask teens about sexual at all at all unless they asked for advice
or to use kids as unpaid babysitters and cleaners

He KNEW what he was doing was wrong and that’s why he hid it from your family members. He was clever enough to get you involved with his wife and kids as a cover.

I expect he went out of his way to let you know that he didn’t talk to other girls like this and that you were in some way special to him.

I don’t know if his motivations were sexual or not or just about boosting his ego or making his wife jealous. I don’t know if he ever would have laid a finger on you or if his interest in you was just a private fantasy.

But in a way it doesn’t matter. His actions were very inappropriate and he did exploit you for his own benefit. Im sure you are right that he told himself that he was just trying to lead you to the Lord but that doesn’t make it ok. He knew it was wrong and he went ahead and did it. He used you for his own gratification.

Its just the same as adult men who do this in other settings - the teacher who is “ helping “ with private GCSE maths or the sports coach who is giving “ extra coaching for a competition “ in a way that breaks the rules and puts kids at risk. They take good and honourable things ( working or volunteering with children and young people ) and exploit it for their own ends.

Im sorry this happened to you , it was wrong and you were not to blame in any way at all.

It’s not your fault that you didn’t understand what was going on at the time.

It not your fault that you colluded with him to hide this from your family - you were under his influence.

I understand that you feel conflicted about it now, because you are torn between how you felt at 15 ( I have this lovely kind person who is a friend to me and makes me feel special ) and what you know at 35 ( this was out of order and I was a victim , even though it didn’t feel like that at the time ).

it’s normal to feel conflicted and upset , that your warm happy memories are now in some way tainted.

All the mainstream churches and church youth organisations in the UK now have a safeguarding helplines or similar - you might want to consider phoning them up and having a conversation about what happened to you. It’s always confidential and you don’t have to give your name if you don’t want to.

It might help you feel clearer in your head about what happened . because if you are over reacting and he didn’t do anything wrong, I’m sure they will tell you.

You are not wasting their time, that’s what they are there for.

Such a good post @B0RING (inappropriate username!)

OP your question about safeguarding reminded me that I was in a similar kind of mentoring position in the late 2000s early 2010s and not only did everyone have to be checked, but also most organisations had child protection policies - the first few items on the list adults signed up to were usually about not meeting up with children in private spaces, not hanging out with them outside the specified times of the group/meeting etc, not communicating outside of these meetings etc apart from too say “I’m running 5 minutes late today” kind of things, not accepting or giving presents. That was to avoid grooming or the appearance of grooming. And I was a 20 something woman working with late teen girls!

So I’m sure he knew that what he was setting up with you was at least in some ways illicit. I’m glad he helped you in some ways and hopefully you can be ok with knowing that while also accepting that he pushed boundaries in a way that was not ok. You wouldn’t accept this for your kids would you, some 30 something bloke talking about his porn problem etc.

No i Made that pretty clear in my original post that I would feel sick if it were my husband and it would likely break up our marriage!

Yes I'm sure he knew what he was doing looked bad. Hence him confiding in me why he always parked further away. But it was always under the context of because it looks bad rather than because anything bad was actually happening. He wasn't trying to get me to hide anything from my family, I was a teenager so it's not like the knew everything going on in my life and who I was with at all times - this way normal for most teenagers. But yeah he will have been aware that it looked bad. I guess lots of things can look bad.

You're right though in that I absolutely would not accept this for my daughters and would act very strongly if I got wind of even a hint of inappropriateness toward them. But even though I know this sounds deluded, it did seem different to an avarage grooming situation. It really felt like we were the same age a lot of the time and just really good friends - which I'm aware sounds insane.

Dissociation is coming to mind as you remember this man. you are seeing a lot of good things from him when we see a groomer that was waiting for the right time and some can take years.

you still have rose tinted glasses on a bit here, and he and his wife did exploit you. I know folks that are involved in church things and if out of the church like babysitting it was paid not the going rates but still paid.

You will see it for what it was one day and it will disgust you

He wasnt confiding in you he was pushing the boundaries to see how you’d react.