Alone on Christmas Eve as DP is disorganised

[DisorganisedLife]

My DP has 50/50 ish custody of his kids (he has slightly more). We don’t yet live together. I have DC of my own but they are more independent as they are a little older. I’ve had 90% custody for my DC’s whole childhood plus working so while I have some sympathy, I also don’t 😂 and he has very helpful parents who do a lot of the childcare, I didn’t have this.

All of our DC are at their other parents this year so we have them all on Boxing Day. We will eat together tomorrow and then do it properly Boxing Day with our family.

DP and I are spending Christmas together at mine as it’s bigger. But he has told me that he has done absolutely nothing ready for Christmas and expects to ‘be round pretty late’ tonight as he is wrapping all the presents. His DC will leave late afternoon to their mums.

I offered to help, to do it together or come to his house, but he said no don’t worry he also has to clean his whole house and do all the laundry. I have spent the last weekend and evenings doing all this to get on top of everything and I’m all up to date. I was expecting to help him wrap but also watch a movie, have fun, eat food.

Look, I’ve spent my fair share of single Christmas’ and been alone Xmas eve many many times, I can entertain myself but I am in a couple so I was not expecting us to be in separate houses all evening because he has left everything until the last minute and won’t accept any help. It’s too late for me to make any other plans. AIBU to be a bit annoyed

Why didn’t you communicate your expectations ahead? Was he aware? Maybe just want some time by himself .

Sounds like an issue of lack of communication of expectations. He isn’t doing anything wrong but neither or you in wanting to spend Christmas eve day together.

The plan was for him to come here all along. He text me last night warning me he would be really late. I am tempted to say just come over in the morning then he can do what he needs to. I just was already expecting him here and got food in so I don’t think I am at fault for ‘not communicating’

I think this was just a matter of different expectations. You thought you'd have Christmas Eve doing couple stuff whereas he had set it aside in his mind as a day to sort everything out. I don't think either of you are right or wrong, unless you'd planned in advance to spend it together.

What time did you orginally agree for him
to come over?

I have one word -

Meh

I think that’s poor of him, even if you didn’t have firm plans.

Sounds like he doesn’t want to spend the day with you. If he did, he’d have made sure he was ready and could have come over sooner. I’d be really disappointed and wondering about the future of this. It must be nice for him to come to your nice big house, where it’s clean and you facilitate a big family meal for his DC. What’s his actual contribution here?! Don’t let him use you, OP.

He would have been coming After his DC go to their mums early evening. I didn’t know he hadn’t done a single piece of wrapping or any housework but I should have expected this as he is so disorganised all the time.

I am not going to be in a mood I am just a little disappointed as his disorganisation has impacted me. I could have made other plans. I would rather he just comes over in the morning when everything is sorted.

No, no one is around. I can spend Christmas Eve alone, I’m used to it, I will watch TV then go to bed!

I'd be cracking open the cheese and chocolate and enjoying an indulgent day of peace.

I’m not going to be in a mood. I’m not 5 years old. I’m asking if I am being a bit unreasonable to feel disappointed/let down

He is just disorganised he isn’t trying to get out of spending time with me. He didn’t think ahead to today so left everything until today and now realising not enough time.

That he won’t let me help him is a little more upsetting though as we could have fun in a team but he doesn’t see it that way

Sounds like you just assumed he would be over once the kids had left, but he never said that. Makes sense that he leaves it until they leave for their mums. Why not go over to his and help there?

Because I offered and he said no thanks

If you’d rather him come over tomorrow if he can’t arrive later than X time this evening, tell him.

Don’t offer help him to do his dull stuff, that’s a bad dynamic.

So it’s only a few hours later he’ll be over? And you still get to wake up together Christmas morning?

Feels a bit over dramatic to me. You’re hardly spending Christmas Eve ‘all alone’

I can see why that would be disappointing op when you'd hoped to be together, having a few drinks, wrapping presents and having a nice night as you had organised. My dad was spectacularly disorganised at Xmas. By the time I was a teenager I'd go into town with him choose my presents then wrap them all for him and by the time he had a partner I was doing mine, my siblings and hers, it is shit if you just want to have a nice Xmas eve.

If I was you I'd have a nice pamper day, bath, face and hair mask etc if you have or can get some then get comfy pj's or lounge wear on and chill watching Xmas TV with your favourite snacks. Consider this your Xmas eve eve since your with him tomorrow and all the kids for a fake Xmas boxing day.

I'd be disappointed too, OP. DH used to be similarly disorganised in the early days of our relationship and would often have to postpone/cancel plans we'd made around Christmas because he hadn't finished buying/wrapping presents for his family (for example), once as late as Christmas Eve IIRC. He's much better these days, but only because he actively tries to be (because he knows it's important to me). Does your DP show in any other ways that he doesn't particularly value your time?

@TheCheeryLeader thanks for your amazing pearls of wisdom here. I have been with him for 5 years and I do not get into moods with him because I am a grown up and that is not how you resolve anything? I am fed up with his disorganisation but it’s not my job to fix him and it’s my choice if I continue to stay with him knowing this annoys me. I am just a bit disappointed.

How can you be SO insistent a stranger you don't even know will be in a mood 😂