Alone on Christmas Eve as DP is disorganised

[DisorganisedLife]

My DP has 50/50 ish custody of his kids (he has slightly more). We don’t yet live together. I have DC of my own but they are more independent as they are a little older. I’ve had 90% custody for my DC’s whole childhood plus working so while I have some sympathy, I also don’t 😂 and he has very helpful parents who do a lot of the childcare, I didn’t have this.

All of our DC are at their other parents this year so we have them all on Boxing Day. We will eat together tomorrow and then do it properly Boxing Day with our family.

DP and I are spending Christmas together at mine as it’s bigger. But he has told me that he has done absolutely nothing ready for Christmas and expects to ‘be round pretty late’ tonight as he is wrapping all the presents. His DC will leave late afternoon to their mums.

I offered to help, to do it together or come to his house, but he said no don’t worry he also has to clean his whole house and do all the laundry. I have spent the last weekend and evenings doing all this to get on top of everything and I’m all up to date. I was expecting to help him wrap but also watch a movie, have fun, eat food.

Look, I’ve spent my fair share of single Christmas’ and been alone Xmas eve many many times, I can entertain myself but I am in a couple so I was not expecting us to be in separate houses all evening because he has left everything until the last minute and won’t accept any help. It’s too late for me to make any other plans. AIBU to be a bit annoyed

It’s not confusing at all. You are being goaded - just ignore them.
I completely get where you’re coming from. It’s disappointing to be let down by someone who isn’t organised.

Merry Christmas!

You're not at all. You're not unreasonable for wanting to have a nice Christmas Eve with your partner. Doesn't matter if you're an adult or used to be single, if you don't want to sit around on your own, you don't want to sit around on your own and you're allowed to feel that way.

We don’t yet live together

he is so disorganised all the time.
I am not going to be in a mood I am just a little disappointed as his disorganisation has impacted me

Don’t ever move in with him or you will be constantly frustrated and eventually resentful with nowhere to escape. Start seriously thinking whether he is a life partner, one who is supportive of you as you are of him. Someone who cares enough to be with you. This snapshot right now could easily become every single day of your future. Scary, huh?

Why are there so many snippy posters on this thread? Not sure OP's legitimate minor moan deserved it. Christmas spirit, eh?

Should you come back, I think you were right OP and you're avoiding risking him being really late tonight and irritating you further. Can you slide last minute into someone's drinks out or go and see a film?

I would say that I wouldn't be having this, at all
This weekend I got up with his kids he slept in till 10am
I would wake him up and remind him it's his time with his kids. Then I'd go back to bed!

My plans for the last few days have taken up more time than I expected and I also need to tidy up the house before leaving later to join family for Christmas. It's that time of the year when the normal routine goes out the window and, as it only happens once a year, we aren't used to it. You've got two fun days ahead of you to enjoy. If I were you, I'd watch some Christmas films or shows with a few drinks and snacks, and enjoy the peace and quiet.

It's not Christmas yet?

Ah, just read updates, so he won't be wrapping gifts for you OP, and he is disorganised in general. I get your disappointment. If you're worried about prepping food for tomorrow could you pop over to his after work and at least collect the food he has (assuming he has actually sorted that bit out?). If not, plan a nice evening for yourself with your nice food, a glass or two, and whatever you want to watch on TV.

Absolutely this, OP.

If he behaves like this when you don't live together, he will be a thousand times worse if you progress to moving in together in future. The disorganisation that you dislike from afar will be a permanent fixture in your home, which will likely stop being fun very quickly.

Value yourself OP, you deserve much better than this.

Just remind him he has half the food so he needs to be over tomorrow morning by 10am?

Or let him come over late tonight so you can enjoy a drink before bed so you can wake up together?

Either way, no point disappointedly sulking. It’ll just ruin the mood for yourself.

Right he doesn’t seem to do any of this stuff with any ill intent and he isn’t often doing anything like playing video games or stuff like that. He is just pure chaos. Last night he sent photos he had the kids up very late making mince pies. So he is often doing good things it’s just all topsy turvey. No one needs or wants the mince pies so I don’t know why he adds this on. He’s done no wrapping and house is even more of a mess now. I know let’s make mince pies. Oh and text my GF that I have completely messed up all my time and now will have to change plans

So yeah he will get up at 10am but then want to go out into the city to look at lights and then you get back late and even further behind on general chores. So of course the time that is sacrificed is the time with me. Which I do get is somewhat normal - you don’t generally want to lose time with your kids to clean your house but he could put the kids to bed earlier and get stuff done. He is a good dad.

This weekend I got up with his kids he slept in till 10am. I woke him up in the end as we were bored and wanted to go do something.

Oh FFS @DisorganisedLife . Just stop. No wonder you are upset as you seem to constantly put yourself out for him and get nothing/not much back. He might be disorganised but he is also selfish. Stop enabling him and start asking him to give you basic respect and courtesy. He will either step up and you will have a better relationship or he will find another mug.

Maybe he wants mince pies? Maybe he just wants to bake with his kids? Maybe he put off wrapping to have fun with his kids in the run up to Christmas? Maybe he mistakenly thought you’d understand?

I guess so. Apart from that he’s off with them all day today. So the pies could have been done today rather than 10pm last night. Who knows. The pies was just an example of his time management skills. They got no clean clothes but loads of mince pies

@Greyrockin - so what I said wasn’t such a load of rubbish, was it?

I think you are just different people who manage their lives and time very differently.

I too am a planner and like to know exactly what I need to get done and schedule it in to make sure everything gets done.

Your BF is not one of these people.

I don't think you can change someone (or it is agony for both parties if you try) so unfortunately you don't have many choices other than to decide to put up or shove off.

Snap out of it op! I get that your plans have changed but just try to allow him to crack on without guilt tripping him.. and just sit back and enjoy your peace.

Plans will change for thousands of others today due to far more depressing reasons than DPs catching up with washing and wrapping.

So yeah he will get up at 10am but then want to go out into the city to look at lights

Firmer 'let's do that later otherwise we won't be eating till midnight' statements needed I think. Obviously when he's at his place that's in his hands. Your task is to hold your boundaries and work out how to minimise the impact of this on you.

Sorry I think being goaded and picked apart y other posters got to me and I ended up over explaining and making it into something far bigger than it started out as an annoyance.

I am fine. I said I have cheese. Wine. TV. This is a wider picture issue here that we are so different. You can’t wear mince pies on your bum instead of pants so we have very different parenting priorities

Mince pies on your bum did make me laugh op!

Ignore the goady people. I can completely see why you are frustrated. Have you had The Talk with him before about expectations? If not, this might be s good opportunity to do so. Tell him what suits you. ‘If you are coming over tonight it has to be before X-time. If you are not ready by then come over in the morning but it has to be before X-time so that I can get the cooking underway and you have half the ingredients.’

If he then turns up later than the time you have set him, you have a clear opportunity to say ‘this behaviour does not work for me’. Maybe not on Christmas Day itself but afterwards.

Also, stop doing his childcare for him. He needs to get up with his kids.

I mean, he sounds like someone who would just continue to frustrate me, low level, on the daily. Which I cba with. I'd probably look to end the relationship in the new year.

On this exact situation, I'd just text "ah I was hoping we would be spending the evening together. Totally fine, you've got stuff to do, so just head over to mine after 10 tomorrow. I'd rather not wait up just to let you in to sleep when you get here late. See you tomorrow!"

I understand why you are disappointed even if it is a pattern with him. It’s not as unusual for people to hope their partner will improve in some way for the good of their relationship.

In your shoes I might try to muster the enthusiasm to go out and do something on my own. Maybe pop in to my local for a drink and soak up some of the atmosphere or go to midnight mass (if I could stay awake). Whatever you decide, I hope you have a merry Christmas 🤶

I still cant believe how some women can be so unsupportive of each other on this website, its really shameful.
I understand where you are coming from OP, it would have been nice to spend the afternoon and evening with your DP and its disappointing that he wasn't organised. I do hope you have a lovely evening.