Alone on Christmas Eve as DP is disorganised

[DisorganisedLife]

My DP has 50/50 ish custody of his kids (he has slightly more). We don’t yet live together. I have DC of my own but they are more independent as they are a little older. I’ve had 90% custody for my DC’s whole childhood plus working so while I have some sympathy, I also don’t 😂 and he has very helpful parents who do a lot of the childcare, I didn’t have this.

All of our DC are at their other parents this year so we have them all on Boxing Day. We will eat together tomorrow and then do it properly Boxing Day with our family.

DP and I are spending Christmas together at mine as it’s bigger. But he has told me that he has done absolutely nothing ready for Christmas and expects to ‘be round pretty late’ tonight as he is wrapping all the presents. His DC will leave late afternoon to their mums.

I offered to help, to do it together or come to his house, but he said no don’t worry he also has to clean his whole house and do all the laundry. I have spent the last weekend and evenings doing all this to get on top of everything and I’m all up to date. I was expecting to help him wrap but also watch a movie, have fun, eat food.

Look, I’ve spent my fair share of single Christmas’ and been alone Xmas eve many many times, I can entertain myself but I am in a couple so I was not expecting us to be in separate houses all evening because he has left everything until the last minute and won’t accept any help. It’s too late for me to make any other plans. AIBU to be a bit annoyed

Thing is he isn't working today so has time to wrap presents and get what housework needs to be done, unless of course he's bought half of ToysrUs and lives in a mansion.
I get exactly where you're coming from op as you'd planned a relaxing 'coupley' evening and from the sounds of it this isn't the first time he's let you down.

On the plus side this is a very clear example of what his contribution would be if you ever lived together. You said yourself he is 'chaos' and this would be your daily life, picking up everything he doesn't get done or can't be arsed to sort.
He ain't daft, he knows if you live together you will be the default person to do everything he doesnt - for himself and his kids.

Personally I've no desire to live with another man-child and would take this evening to relax and home with chocolate and cheese, and seriously think about backtracking on ever living with him. And that is after I'd nip out to get the veg as I can guarantee he will frustrate the hell out of you turning up late tomorrow or forgetting stuff.

He's not disorganised.
He's just managing his life differently from you.

What is it with posters not being able to recognise this?

What.. strengths will he bring if you move in together? Are you sure you won’t be left cleaning up after everyone over and over so the boring shit gets done and there is still time to spend together? You’ve done this for your kids, where you never sit down and just keep picking things up and tidying and washing dishes and making lists, now you might get to do this for his kids so he can do fun times and you don’t live in a shitheap…

I'd do this, then, in your shoes.As in, tell.him not to come over today after all.

I had many years of waiting around on Christmas Eve for my DH to get home. I'd rather happily resign myself to solitude, open a prosecco and snuggle in front of the TV than sit by the phone, waiting for him to decide that he's now finally got time for you.

I can totally see why you'd be frustrated. A christmas eve, no kids, I'd of thought he'd of been right over and having a lovely chilled evening, dinner etc. But because he hasn't organised himself you are left on your own while he does stuff he should already have done. I can understand why that would make you feel a bit rubbish tbh.

Don't know about anyone else but if me and my dp had a child free xmas eve, we'd be bloody well making the most of it! And making very sure everything was done beforehand in order to enjoy it!

Something that is worse than spending Christmas Eve alone is spending it "on hold" . Waiting for someone whom you had pre-arranged to spend that time with and have dinner with to get their act together and turn up. The fact that it is Christmas Eve is almost irrelevant - this guy agreed to come over to OP's and have dinner with her, but did not do what he needed to to to make it possible.

On no other day of the year would we agree that this behaviour was acceptable.

Given that his kids will have gone to mum's by then so he'll have to have done the present wrapping, and you two aren't doing presents, what does he plan to do at home this evening? If it's cleaning, then I would say 'to be honest I've done mine already, so the offer to do yours as well isn't the best one. I'll stay at mine, drink some wine and watch a film and if you want to join me and schedule your cleaning for another time, you can'
Make it clear you've done your work already so your reward is relaxing time tonight. He can catch up if he wants. What's less fair is that he got fun kid time by putting off work, which is a valid choice for him to make, but is less good if you end up with two loads of work time and no relaxing as a result.

Nowhere does it say he was coming for dinner tonight. Just that he was coming this evening.

It reads like it was a loose ‘coming tonight’ arrangement rather than a nailed down time.

A lot of people are like this.

I'm sitting around today drinking tea and listening to Christmas songs with the kids.

My DH is in the city running around in the crowds buying absolutely every present he needs!

Yes it's annoying but what can you do. Do something nice for yourself today and try not to hold it against him. At least he's pulling Christmas out of the bag - no matter how last minute.

@DisorganisedLife

*Yes he was saying he will come late tonight

I don’t really fancy that

he will be rushing and it’s late we will just go to sleep what’s the point I might as well just enjoy my own evening and he can have his stressed one

so I said on this post he might as well come tomorrow and that is what I have told him to do as it’s easier for everyone

so I imagine tomorrow will stretch into nearly lunchtime as he sleeps late. Perhaps he will prove me wrong 😂
he has half of the Xmas day food, he has all the veg*

This was a bit silly of you. You have made an annoying situation significantly worse by asking him to come tomorrow. Particularly as he has the food. Tell him to come this evening and at least you can wake up together tomorrow and have a lovely day.

She sez she got food in. She sounds intelligent and kind ( and organised). I think it's quite likely she told him she got food in.

Why does he need to do housework if he's going to yours? Is he expecting other guests after the kids go to their mum's?

@DisorganisedLife
Oh and I would tell him you're collecting the food at 10am tomorrow morning.

My DP was like this when we first met, we had a huge argument one Christmas Eve because he was up until 2am wrapping gifts and I spent the whole of Christmas Eve evening alone on the sofa. Same the following year.

Now that we live together, things are different. DP had everything wrapped days ago and the last of the cards were written this morning.

If you want things to change you'll need to say something but it sounds like it’s too late for this year.

There sounds like there might be an element of "he doesn’t want to see you tonight" though, my DP was happy for me to go round and be in his house watching his TV and drinking his wine while he wrapped. And who needs to do all the laundry tonight? That does not affect Christmas and sounds like an excuse not to see you?

dear @DisorganisedLife I do understand your frustration at him. Some people might think that's so 'cute' that he is all over the place but I certainly don't. His poor time management and being disrespectful of your time are deeply unattractive in my eyes.

He doesn't deserve to come as he wishes or get you to go over to help sort his life out. I'll actually communicate my disappointment to him when you see him next time and make sure this doesn't become a habit of him.

I understand why you're irritated I would be too. Don't rush to move in with him until he proves he is going to be a partner rather than another child to be mum to.

He admits he is disorganised. Yes we had dinner planned tonight and tomorrow. I’m not making up plans on my own. HE text ME saying sorry I will be really late round.

He doesn’t ask for my help often in fact the opposite he finds help annoying.

My opinion of being disorganised:

• Leaving everything till the last minute
• always being late in the mornings
• kids always going to bed late
• never having the basics without some element of stress ie clean clothes (staying up till 2am washing and drying them, no bread in and realising when goes to make school packed lunches having to do morning shop dash often)
• Time just disappearing into thin air - he has 50% of his week with no kids at home
• Never remembering things like plans made until last moment, to do the tooth fairy for days etc
• Changing plans on a whim as something more interesting arises (I have no clean pants but I’m going to make mince pies)

@Pineapplewaves His house is very messy because he won’t have done anything in it for days on end. He won’t clean up much when he has the kids and then when he doesn’t have them he has something else better to do. He doesn’t want me there because of the mess usually as it stresses him out, I’m used to it now tbh.

He has to do laundry - they have no clean clothes last time I was there and I can’t imagine much changed as he told me he has to do it

Think about what strengths your DP will bring to your home when he moves in. He should ideally be a positive addition to your life, not a drain on your resources (not necessarily financial).

Have a lovely Christmas 🎄

So when you move in together, you'll end up doing everyone's laundry and tidying more people's mess. Because he simply wouldn't do it/ wouldn't get things done on time.

Are you accepting of that?

@DisorganisedLife Be careful. This sounds more like untreated ADHD rather than just being disorganized.

It will be like living with a 5 year old. I must reiterate the word untreated

He has convinced me that 2 people together will make a better team and play to each others strengths

What strengths does he have that will specifically make your life less stressful if you live together OP?

You need to be able to answer this to yourself honestly before you consider living with him.

You would be absolutely mad to move in with him OP.

I’m at his house now, it’s getting late. We wrapped stuff together, he had to do everything in the house but he does such stupid unnecessary shit. I cleaned the whole kitchen and sorted out the kids room as absolute bomb sites. He’s filling up a bag from his fridge with old mouldy food and won’t use a proper rubbish bag, he is insisting on using a tiny little old bread bag and nothing fits in it, so it’s over flowing. he doesn’t have a food waste bin and won’t use food waste bags but insists on separating food from other waste - fair enough but these gross bags of old food on the worktop make me irrationally angry. They literally invented a solution for it 😂

Guess what it wasn’t fun we haven’t watched any movies I am tired now gotta drive home.

I don't understand. You did go round to his, helped him wrap presents and then cleaned his kitchen and his kids bedrooms. Why?
Because you still didn't get a chilled relaxing time with him this evening after all that?

He sounds like another toddler to cleanbup after, why on earth are you doing this to yourself op? (And please tell us he did at least get all the veg for lunch tomorrow).