Mid-life limerence?

[Candoolili]

Looking for some tips from others who might have experienced this. I realise limerence has become a trendy word which pathologises what is essentially a crush, but looking at threads online it’s the best description of what I’m currently experiencing! I’m married as is the person in question but my entire day is spent thinking about them and coming up with all sorts of silly imaginings. There is absolutely no way I am acting on any of this but looking for tips on how to expel these thoughts from my brain! I’m not even sure where it’s come from as they are not my type, much older and not conventionally attractive. I cannot go completely no contact as there will be occasional contact through work, and I’m not in position to give up my job. Many thanks.

I think it's hormonal to be honest. I'm 50 and have a little crush on someone I know! Never in a million years would I act upon it, as he's much younger than me and I'm married. He'd probably be mortified!!! 😂 He's tall and dark haired (which is my type) but the rest not so much!! 🤷 I think it's quite common as us ladies get the last hurrah of hormones!!

I did really well and didn’t contact mine for months. When he told me how he felt it was 9 months before I told him I felt the same. I just couldn’t go on with him not knowing. It started to feel like I would regret it for ever if I didn’t at least say something. Don’t know how I went back the way and ended up drunk texting. The amount of times I was tempted to text but never did. The logical part of me knows nothing will ever happen, the fall out would be terrible. And also I never thought I could/would be that person, I’ve always been faithful to my husband for 20 years. Now I suddenly understand how easy it is for affairs to happen and feel some sympathy for some of those who end up in such a situation. I’m finding this thread really helpful though and perhaps for a lot of us crushes do come into our lives to boost our confidence and remind us life can still be fun and exciting, the trick is maybe not too take them too seriously and never to act on these silly teenage type feelings!

Just come across this and makes so much sense about hormones turning us back into teenagers. Im approaching 40 and thought I was crazy going back to reading romance novels and fantasising about my book boyfriends 😂. Luckily no work crushes (no one I would be remotely interested in) but I have started crushing on my DH. I daydream about him acting the way I want and then highlight all his good points and ignore the bad. DH has noticed my recent obsession with him and thinks it’s funny. But maybe that’s the way to go- redirect!

Weirdly feel a lot better today - did see my obsession a few times and chatted a lot on solo / group calls - plus quite a few teams messages.
It felt much more lighthearted again and just friendly.
I even found myself thinking how much I just love having him as a friend and maybe that's ok?
I still look at him and think how handsome he is - but it seemed lighter and less intense which was a relief.
Maybe it was just a bit intense being out with him alone last week - it felt sort of date like, and a bit romantic and I think that is what maybe sent me into a tailspin.
Much happier on chat and lightheaded but supportive comms

That’s great. Sometimes airing it can really help, even if it is just here with us strangers 😁

I’m glad you are doing better x

limerence is often linked to trauma! worth looking into - look to solve the causes, rather than lust over the object of your limerence!

@jumperround that’s very interesting. I have unresolved trauma.

Fellow sufferers - This is my limerence song Obsessed with you by the Orion Experience. I even played this to him. 😁

https://open.spotify.com/track/7p3acA0XUBTmECFSQmtlku?si=Ef6v_94pSq2vkIOn8OCEmw

Definitely helps to air things! Hard not being able to speak to anyone. @missfliss nothing wrong with admiring something handsome. We all need some beauty in our lives!

It's definitely helped ladies - Thankyou!
Will see him again next week - but in a group thank goodness.

I think it's a very strong mutual attraction- but also a lovely supportive work relationship. On my side I think the unhealthy part is due to loneliness and isolation - and I think it will be markedly better when I add some richness back into my life

I can’t take credit for this but someone else put the below on another thread and I cut and paste it into a note to read and remind myself whenever I feel the need.

“You may well have a tendency deep down to be attracted to men who are unavailable to you in some respects - they're an emotional challenge, a project to work on, someone whose approach to you will fulfill your needs in the end if you get it right?

The alternative is someone available in the here and now who you would have to accept exactly as they were and accept what they brought into your life, being vulnerable and open about your needs, with the possibility of your needs being unmet, and facing disappointment or rejection.

Yes, your needs would be unmet with the unavailable blokes, too, but you would have the fallback psychological cushion of "I'll somehow win him over, make it work, and all my dreams will come true without having to ask" (the fairy tale option) with the men who are not available for you fully and never will.”

Very, very interesting perspective, this is clicking with me…

I realise I have unresolved childhood trauma around my Dad. I have been thinking about what has triggered me this time and I realise all the guys (3 over 20 years) have all had a dry sense of humour - which my Dad had and my OH doesn't.

Lots to unpick there.

See the thing is that I reckon if I ever seperated from my DH I don't think I'd have another serious relationship necessarily- but I think it's romance, feeling desired and lighthearted that I'm craving.

Still feeling good after yesterday - he's never far from my thoughts but I realise I love what he brings to my workplace life and that's a massive benefit as my job is pretty full ion.

I'm experiencing weirdly much more career success currently relatively late ... I'm also main breadwinner and do a lot around household stuff ( not because my DH is shit he's just out teaching long hours)

I relate to the new understanding of how and why so many people have affairs too. Monogamy is really hard when you find an intense chemistry with someone else! And really at the heart of it that is one of our most basic human instincts isn't it ? I actually very very rarely am properly attracted to someone. I think it's only about 3 or 4 men in my whole life so it's intensified even more.

I always thought I'd never have another serious relationship in my life too missfliss if anything happen to my marriage. I don't think id want to get involved deeply with anyone else but I'm still.having daydreams of one day meeting my LOs family absolutely ridiculous!

I'm the same @Crushing25 - very very rare for me to have such a strong attraction. There's plenty of men I can appreciate as good looking - but it's the 'whole' voice, presence, humour, intelligence, kindness etc

Rare for me too. I'm very fussy.
I think of all the good-lookingl, funny etc guys I've met over the years, loads more when I was younger and I wasn't thinking about all of them.

Maybe I'm overthinking it and it is just a primal thing that we can't control how we think / feel.

I suppose I have to be grateful mine is not my boss / a neighbour or a friend's husband!

Indeed@Summervibes24 worse when it’s someone completely inappropriate! I had a tally of men who I’ve felt this about and I think this is no3 for me so very rare to get intense chemistry with someone as you say @Crushing25

After reading this thread I was doing ok and had started to put things in perspective and feel vaguely normal again. I realised I'm not alone in thinking like this. And then today, out of the blue, my person contacted me after tracking down my number. I'm all over the place and haven't replied. I had convinced myself it was one sided and now I'm in a bit of a mess. I need to back right away!

Do you have ocd, limerance is more common In people with ocd.
Good news is it can come and go.

That's interesting! I don't have the compulsion element but I recognise I definitely have the obsessions. I did suffer with OCD in childhood but sort of grew out of doing the compulsions. It also runs in my family somewhat.

Aaw @Finita67 that's rough.

Is he someone you have to see in RL at all? What did he say in his contact?

Yes........

So pleased to read I’m not alone in these feelings!! Turned 45 last November and wham bam, instant crush on a colleague who I’ve worked with for a year and never had any other previous romantic thoughts about!! It really must be hormone driven.

It’s ridiculous and distracting 🙈 I also think the attraction is mutual. It’s fine though, we won’t see each other for the next 6 weeks and then just once a week. It would be entirely daft to start an intense gym routine and plan what I’ll wear that particular day 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

Also, he’s transferring overseas in the summer, so that’s a final stop to it!!

So I'm absolutely fighting the urge to text my crush. Just something silly I think will make him laugh and get us back in the friend zone before we work together again. Is this a terrible idea ? He's currently dating, nothing is going to happen but I feel awkward about how we left things.

Do not text him!!!!!