Mid-life limerence?

[Candoolili]

Looking for some tips from others who might have experienced this. I realise limerence has become a trendy word which pathologises what is essentially a crush, but looking at threads online it’s the best description of what I’m currently experiencing! I’m married as is the person in question but my entire day is spent thinking about them and coming up with all sorts of silly imaginings. There is absolutely no way I am acting on any of this but looking for tips on how to expel these thoughts from my brain! I’m not even sure where it’s come from as they are not my type, much older and not conventionally attractive. I cannot go completely no contact as there will be occasional contact through work, and I’m not in position to give up my job. Many thanks.

Thanks @Crushing25 - it is so hard to manage these feelings in this situation.

It's taking over and I'm wasting so much energy on it.

I think enormous loneliness re entry in these winter months has made it worse. I work from home and am on calls a lot, but don't see people really otherwise.

I took steps over Xmas to try and get some more social stuff sorted ( a trial at a local sports society) but that's not till March. I've got some dates in the diary for social stuff coming up again that will help too.

I'm trying to manage myself proactively bit the stuff that might help isn't here and in place right NOW. Which is when I need it to get this in perspective.

And I do think he has some feelings for me too.

That’s really hard. What’s the barrier to a relationship, is one or both of you married?

Things I do to take my mind off something:

Do something nice for someone else
And baking 😁

@3luckystars both married, live miles away from each other ( prob best).

I love my husband but it's a sexless marriage and has been for a long time. We are companions. He is kind, intelligent possibly autistic and so struggles to demonstrate emotions - he is overweight, snores and is on antidepressants. Works long hours and not in great health. I love him but feel no desire.

Crush object is handsome, funny, kind, attentive ( but not in a heavy way in a lighthearted way) and makes me laugh so much - definitely see the best side of him. Have to remember that he too prob leaves his pants on the floor and farts and burps etc....

He's been married since his 20s, and we both laugh about our midlife crises cliches - we are both objectively attractive, take pride in our appearance and struggling with ageing bodies health wise and vanity wise - I have just had to get my first varifocals. I'm actually a little older than him ( 3 years).

I don't think I am craving sex so much as feeling alive and cared for and romanced.

Fuck.

Writing it down makes it seem really bad.

No wonder you really like him, he is bringing total joy into your life.

I think it’s a sign for you to bring more joy into your life. However you manage it. I hope you can get happy again x

Thankyou so much - literally sat here sobbing. You are right, he does. And it's not right to have a life like that. If anything at all he should be a nice lighthearted sprinkle on top of- fanciable, good company and a bonus.
As it is he does currently represent my main source of joy.
Hiding it at home and work is taking a toll and I need to sort it out. For my own sake.

You will figure it out. Sending good vibes your way today x

Massive compassionate hugs @Kitcar.

That's really rough and hard to deal with.

Ultimately if it's easy to cheat some men do and then realise that it's too much of a threat to their current situation ( even if they aren't happily married the status quo of finances / kids etc means they stay).

It's very hard when you have big feelings not to let them out - and I can totally understand your actions.

I have nothing but compassion for you xxx

Thank you @missfliss needed to hear that.

Kitcar it's extra hard I think when you know there are reciprocal feelings. I'm sitting on my hands everyday trying not to contact!

I’m so glad I found this thread. I'm in my late 50s and in this situation at the moment. I feel like I'm going crazy, thinking about him all the time and creating imaginary scenarios in my head. In one way it's lovely to feel so alive and excited, but in another way I want the madness to stop and go back to my dull life.

Same here. When my obsession is fed in any way it buoys me up and I feel great, even though I know it's all just a figment of my imagination. Then as the weeks and then months go by sometimes it fades, but then I'm left with the embarrassing realisation of how much I've let it take over my life.

I can't remember if it was on this thread, or a similar one, but one poster made the excellent point that when the obsession is one-sided, it's our own minds making us feel euphoric etc.
Meaning that it should therefore be possible to use our minds to enhance our lives in other ways. She explained it better than that, though, and of course the trick is to actually get ourselves to do that.

I would love to hear more about this method TreesatSea!

This was exactly me…it actually got me back into a fitness regime, sort of motivated me to want to “look my best”. But also, became all consuming at one point affecting my concentration at work, being present with my family, etc.

Candoolili this is exactly me. I'm exercising, losing weight, taking a lot of time with skincare....wanting to be as good as I can be. I know it's silly but it's nice to feel more confident. I will be seeing 'him' in a few weeks time and it's all about him looking at me and thinking I look better than last time. Writing this down I know it sounds ridiculous.....

Well, she didn't elaborate much, but when I read it it sort of clicked my obsession can be so all-consuming that at times it feels like it must be "real", rather than just the product of my fevered mind. Unlike the usual "it's all willpower" talk, she emphasised harnessing that power to improve our lives, rather than to just defeat the obsession.
I'll try and find the post.

I'm expecting to see my one too soonish and am doing similar things regarding my appearance. I'm glad it's reawakened my interest in that way, as I always used to be someone who cared about clothes, hair etc before menopause hit. So I'm pleased in one way, but on the other hand life was so much simpler before I fixated on him...

Ha ha me too - I'm currently in great shape at 48 and looking pretty damn good if I do say so myself!!

You know thinking about it I wonder if that's part of wanting some reciprocity... knowing I've made all this effort has to mean SOMETHING, right??

God I'm such a cliché....

Can almost laugh today

47 and also experiencing this. So pleased to have found this thread. Mine is on a boy I was seeing in my 20s while living abroad. It ended as I came back to the UK. I have been doing some major Internet snooping and imagining the scenario of me not having to move back.
I’m glad it’s not someone I can see in real life as it feels less like cheating. I’m losing sleep with vivid imaginings though!
it has given me a little boost thinking of being young again and I’ve been making a bit more effort with my appearance. Definitely hormone related!

Yes I read that too and it also struck a chord with me.
It made me realise that the entire thing, if it’s all completely in your head, and if you are having both sides of the conversation then you need to think about what you are actually looking for.

What is it you need him to say and do, what is happening in the fantasy that is giving you the high from thinking about it.

That’s what you are after, it’s not him at all. It’s that feeling.

Exactly, you've put that really well. That post must've been earlier on in this thread.
Especially in cases like mine where I know 100% it would be a total disaster if I were actually with him. Not because other people would get hurt, but just complete incompatibility.

I posted about this on another thread:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5239474-how-to-get-over-an-obsession?reply=140880132&utm_campaign=reply&utm_medium=share

I am in limerence at the minute and it's now fading but it's an extremely confusing time and can be painful. Can also be enjoyable, I'm not gonna lie.

I interact with the object of my limerence regularly online and in person (we are work colleagues). The ironic thing is, I get nothing out of our interactions, there's no flirting, nothing. We often meet one to one in person and virtually and I feel nothing more than I do with any other colleague. It's so strange. The limerence is literally all in my mind and it is pure escapism from the complexities of my relationship. He is a lovely, kind, easygoing, good looking man and we get on very well and that seems to have been enough to tip me into limerence.

How to deal with it? Just go with it. Let it burn out by itself. Say and do nothing in reality. The limerence will fade and you will be mortified. Use the energy you feel to invest in yourself and remember how wonderful you are and how you create your reality.

@GlassLampshades Ah, so it was your post on another thread that I was referring to above. I remember screenshotting it at the time, as it felt so insightful.
Thanks for linking to it.

Thanks for linking the post @GlassLampshades, very encouraging / inspiring…
I read an old thread recently where someone had confessed their feelings to their object of limerence. There’d been a lot of perceived flirting / “looks” etc. it ended up being a disaster, the guy ignores her now and they have to work together… felt physically ill reading it.

Agreeing to everything that's being said on here:

• Yes to wanting to look better. I only see mine one day in the office and last week I got a compliment from a gay colleague about looking nice so someone noticed lol.
• Yes to the one-sided conversations - I can rationalise and see that's me wanting more from my husband - he is stuck in his phone or grumpy and tired so I definitely feel something is lacking at home.

I fear how this would play out - I would be the loser here as I'm the older married woman I would lose all professional credibility at work so I need to keep that at the forefront of my mind.