Mid-life limerence?

[Candoolili]

Looking for some tips from others who might have experienced this. I realise limerence has become a trendy word which pathologises what is essentially a crush, but looking at threads online it’s the best description of what I’m currently experiencing! I’m married as is the person in question but my entire day is spent thinking about them and coming up with all sorts of silly imaginings. There is absolutely no way I am acting on any of this but looking for tips on how to expel these thoughts from my brain! I’m not even sure where it’s come from as they are not my type, much older and not conventionally attractive. I cannot go completely no contact as there will be occasional contact through work, and I’m not in position to give up my job. Many thanks.

The other option is leave it for another month and then have to face him at work with the last messages between having been somewhat inappropriate though ? I just don't think I can face it!

Bloody hell. This thread is so interesting. I'm sure I'm in limerance except things have advanced to a next level and I've been seeing this guy secretly for about 6 months. He's all I think about every single day, we've had blips where I've called it off but I always go back because the actual pain it causes me to not have him in my life or near me is just terrible. I'm utterly besotted with him. And I know deep down this can never be a full on thing but I literally put him above everyone else in my life. He's like a drug and I'm addicted. Massive highs when I've had chance to speak with hi and be with him and massive lows when I don't hear from him for more than a couple of hours. We didn't speak for about six weeks before and i swear it almost killed me inside. It was horrible. I couldnt eat or sleep. Its tricky for me to go no contact as we have to unavoidably see each other pretty much everyday. I also have diagnosed OCD so I'm pretty sure this makes it all worse and the obsessing worse. What can I do to make this go away?!?!?

You're trying to justify texting him 😅 don't do it!!!

I know !? I've done it for god's sake. Kept it very light and funny, no reply 😬 god it will be even more awkward if he doesn't reply and will leave me wondering if he's muted or blocked me !

I replied.... I knew I shouldn't have done. It's all escalated very quickly and now I feel out of control and all over the place. I can't believe I've been so stupid.

@Finita67 that's how I felt last week - was dreadful.
I've pulled back this week - but annoyed with myself for relenting at the end of the day of no direct contact at all on teams ( except on project chats with other people).

However my message was very light - basically I flukily predicted a football match result yesterday. So I just made a joke that I'm amazing.

He's not replied and I feel like a d1ck.

FFS

I also sent the last text today that’s been left on read. Must be busier and more important tomorrow hahaha.

Maybe we should write what we want to say on here?? Instead of messaging these totally unsuitable people 😂

I'm feeling everyone's pain here and all the headspace it's taking over re contact / no contact. Not that I'm having that problem I admire from afar with occasional polite office chit chat. However my one booked to be in the office today as was I then he didn't turn up. Gutted - all that effort to look nice wasted lol.

But it did make today a lot easier and as I was busy later in the day I didn't really think about it so I think I need to work on mind distracting techniques.

Someone did post an article saying it lasted roughly 9months to year on average. About the length of a pregnancy. So there must be some hormonal element to it.

Fingers crossed that’s correct.

Don't panic.
Limerance comes and goes.
Stay Calm.

I'm in exactly the same situation as things have developed a bit beyond a crush. This thread is really interesting and for me it's a melting pot of limerence, menopause and an obsessive personality. I literally can't think about anything else but him. I can't believe I've got into this but I can't see a way out either. The dopamine highs and lows are just like being a teenager again.

We've also had times of not speaking and not communicating well either....he has his own mid life struggles to deal with.

Wishing you luck and strength to get through it!

Gah I've been chatting to mine and I'm now sure there is something reciprocal, which isn't that helpful for cooling it. However the intensity of my feelings is waning so that's a positive step..it's 100% an addiction. That little bit of contact will now keep me going like a hit. It's weird that another person can intoxicate you so. The plus point for me is that it's made dry Jan incredibly easy and I was drinking far too much and now have no interest in it I'm trying to justify this by telling myself we are just friends, which technically we are. We have such great banter.

Was also talking to a friend earlier who swears it's age. She has started to find all sorts of weird men attractive and daydreaming about them. I'm wondering if some element of this are extremely common.

With mine it is reciprocated and has even become physical and this is only making it worse for me but I can't stop it. And when he even suggests stopping now I have a complete meltdown. Tears and everything. What the hell is going on. I know he is going to drop me sooner or later and it's gonna hurt like hell but at the same time I know this isn't a futureistic thing

Is it age though. I'm 33 and deffo not peri and as far as I'm aware my hormones are in whack. I think my obsessive personality does it for me.

I wonder if the men suffer in the same way? Or if it's just the women that go nuts with the dopamine

Good question! I'm not sure mine suffers much when we're not together. He gives me every impression that it's more out of sight, out of mind for him.

Thinking that he doesn't much care is probably why the infatuation and need to be wanted by him is so strong. Pathetic really😫

I actually think it could be more life stage / conditions than hormones. On average stressors build around 40- older parents, young kids, perhaps higher career demands, the sense of getting older but not yet being old… for younger folk it might be more obsessive tendencies as you say. My pet undiagnosed condition is adhd which apparently is also associated with limerence / intense crushes…

Spoke to mine yesterday- it's sooo reciprocated I know it.
Massive relief that we are not physically together very often (despite the longing) we'd be fooked.
Hoping it eases soon.

Interesting. I'm very likely undiagnosed adhd and autism. Very high masking but have always been clueless about people being attracted to me and while I can say objectively if a person is good looking or not, I don't feel physical attraction to people as a rule without having a deep personal or intellectual connection.

I am very careful and intentional in the way I interact with the person I have the limerence about as the situation is very sensitive, we are both married with families, and he is my boss who I very much enjoy working with on a professional level and as the limerence will fade and is fading, I am very conscious that I would never want to damage that relationship. Also have no genuine desire for my limerence to cross into reality as it would be a let down and a disaster on many levels. I'm also starting to get the ick a little but which is what happens when limerence ends and it's almost like the fog of madness lifts and you wonder what in the name of God you were thinking.

Honestly I do feel mine is reciprocated. He has on a very few (but significant) occasions made unnecessary "friendly" physical contact with me. In group situations he tends to focus on me and looks at me if he makes a joke (which is a well known signal that your reaction is considered important).

I've noticed lately that he is the one who keeps the conversation going on WhatsApp (work related though) or work IM system. While I do like to chat about work (it's very important to me), I tend to communicate in quite a cold, formal way in work (and he is of course my boss), and at times I reply with one word answers partly so that it could never be said that I was overstepping the line or encouraging him. This week especially I noticed that when I gave one word answers, he would then reply with a long message which was probably not that necessary, and also started a number of "light hearted" conversations with me.

But then I tell myself he is just a nice friendly guy and he probably does that with everyone 😉

That’s fantastic that you are getting the ick. Once that sets it, there is no reversing it.

Limerence is just a delusion, a fantasy, even when it occurs at the start of a real relationship its just really a bit of a self involved fantasy, a kind of emotional masturbation or getting high off the fumes of one's imagination. It can be intoxicating and a great escape from the humdrum realities of day to day life or even from real pain and suffering.

What it isn't is actual love and I don't think it even really says anything about your marriage. Its just a cheap thrill and little else but like anything that can hijack your dopamine system it can be addictive. I've struggled with this myself for years and its actually horrible but being brutally honest about what is going on helps. You don't really know this man, he's just triggered your interest and become an avatar your imagination projects on to, you are objectifying him really. Even if he told you tomorrow he liked you back and you embarked on an affair then you have no idea what kind of partner he would be, in your mind he's everything you dream of but in reality he could be awful. Emotionally abusive, cold or cruel. He might be totally irresponsible with money or be riddled with STDs, you just don't know. He's nothing special, he's just a regular degular man and quite frankly he's somebody elses problem.

Don't give yourself the headspace to daydream about him listen to audiobooks and podcasts (music can be triggering), read non romantic books, get a hobby that engages your brain and your hands like art or knitting, go to the gym or for a run. Its an addiction and you need to get clean.

Check out the crappy childhood fairy on youtube, she has some useful videos.

Beautifully described, thanks

@usbslot2 Excellent post

This is one of the most helpful things I've ever read. Thank you.