Mid-life limerence?

[Candoolili]

Looking for some tips from others who might have experienced this. I realise limerence has become a trendy word which pathologises what is essentially a crush, but looking at threads online it’s the best description of what I’m currently experiencing! I’m married as is the person in question but my entire day is spent thinking about them and coming up with all sorts of silly imaginings. There is absolutely no way I am acting on any of this but looking for tips on how to expel these thoughts from my brain! I’m not even sure where it’s come from as they are not my type, much older and not conventionally attractive. I cannot go completely no contact as there will be occasional contact through work, and I’m not in position to give up my job. Many thanks.

Glad to know I'm not alone ! It's ridiculous isn't it. It sounds like a possible hormone surge happens in late 30s plus as I can totally relate to feeling like a teenager again! I feel like a complete idiot but also I tend to be kind to myself and recognise it for what it is. Basically an animal desire. I try to imagine how I'd feel if DH was crushing on someone else. It's not nice.

I need mine to give me the ick big time !

Bad news @Crushing25 - I'm in my late 40s..! Think it is a last chance hormone saloon here ...

😆😆 that might work!

I know it’s hard but it might be a case of these feelings not waning until either something happens between you or he does or says something so unattractive that you feel physically repulsed 😆

I can tell you now that when we do happen to bump into each other at work (which thankfully is extremely rare like once or twice a year) I have to ask myself what on earth I was thinking! These crushes aren’t real feelings in my eyes. You completely ignore their flaws and imperfections at the time, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing but it means you put them on a pedestal and think even their flaws are cute (which they aren’t, they’re probably terrible 😆)

Oh gawd I hope I'm not going to start having obsessive crushes all through peri and menopause. That will be awful. I've only ever slept with my DH so I'm probably unusual in that sense and it's all compounded by the fact I now feel ive missed out on something. Even though before the crush started I was entirely satisfied with my marriage and only ever hoped to sleep with my DH. I've even toyed with the idea of asking if he'd ever be up for opening up the marriage. It's completely crazy and irrational. I know I'd never seriously ask and he'd never go for it.

Yes I completely agree that it's all rooted in fantasy. I'm sure my crush would be awful in bed IRL

Well, part of the reason why mine went downhill fast was the sheer disappointment in that department 😬😬 again, up on a pedestal, no one could live up to the fantasy of how amazing I thought the sex would be! Maybe it was a good thing, I might have been infatuated with him for far longer had I not tested the waters and found it to be actually pretty dire 😆

It's so interesting isn't it ? That you could have amazing sexual chemistry with someone before you get naked and then find it disappointing. I actually had a dream the other night that I was doing it with mine and the sheer shame and disgust I felt when I woke up was quite useful at quelling the feelings..also in the dream it all went wrong and was awful. Hopefully I'll have more of those rather than the nice day dreams!

The fact that he thought he was amazingly skilled in bed and was turning me on just by looking at me went even further towards giving me the ick. I can still picture his face now after one occasion where he looked over at me all smug because he thought he’d just delivered the most earth shattering orgasm of my life but it was just meh. Urgh I’m shuddering thinking about it now.

I was absolutely infatuated with this guy too so there’s hope for some of you; I literally did a 180 almost in the blink of an eye lol

Thankyou it's given me hope. However I will never sleep with mine so might never get to the point of reality kicking in, darn it !

Just imagine him giving you a smug “I really satisfied you then didn’t I?” look. It’s sending shivers down my spine even now and NOT in a good way 😆

Yup it's totally built up in my head - I've imagined sweeping romantic passionate tender kisses ...

Maybe it wouldn't be. But I don't think I'm going to actually find out.

Sigh.

I wish I didn't like him so much too.

I have to say mine I think is 100% sexual, although my obsessions have included imagining having a 'proper' relationship also. Most of my daydreams don't include alot of romance at all. He is everything DH isn't in the bedroom in my head, and DH is a wonderful, respectful, tender lover. So weird that I feel like this. It's actually very helpful to write it down and find there are other people going through similar as obviously can't talk to DH about it which is what I'd usually do for something bothering me.

If you watch the movie Wicked, Galinda the good witch is singing to Elphaba before she does something that she thinks insane, she is trying to stop her making a mistake and she sings:

‘you can still be with the wizard,
what you’ve worked and waited for,
You can have all you ever wanted’

and the Ephiba says:

‘I know.

But I don't want it

No, I can't want it anymore’

I don’t know if that will make sense to anyone else but sometimes having a chat with yourself really does help.

You CANT want this anymore.

Every time you think of it, then say that line.

I can’t want it anymore.

Something is not right and that’s why the emotions are through the roof.

You can’t want it anymore.

I've been lurking on this thread throughout as I'm also in the throes of one almighty crush.

I'm in my late 50s and technically many years past menopause, so older than many of you, but I've got it bad😀I'd honestly thought that side of things had almost completely died for me, but (happily) I was wrong. Turns out I just needed to have my interest awakened by someone.

It's been going on for almost a year, but has faded considerably at times when there's been no contact, only to come back full-force when I hear from him. He was someone I would see around occasionally but he moved away. Which I'm pretty sure is partly what prompted my feelings: the idea that I somehow lost something when he moved, even though there was absolutely nothing going on between us.
There is zero possibility that he would reciprocate and, even if by some miracle he did, I know we would be utterly incompatible and it would be a total disaster.
But...he is quite splendid in my eyes😀

I'm sure he also represents much of what's missing in my life. His way of life and interests are so different from mine that, apart from the very real sexual attraction on my part, I think I really need to shake up my very routine life and try some new interests, go to places I wouldn't usually consider and so on.

Overall it's buoyed me up and made me feel more positive about life than I have in a long time, but it's less pleasant when the lack of contact hits home and I realise just how much time I've given up to the obsession.
Wishing you all strength in dealing with your situations🙂

That’s so strange that you would say that, because remembering back when this happened to me, I had that urgency too (like teenage urgency) feeling too that I might not see them again and if anything happens to them, they would never know how I felt and how much I cared about them.

There was this ‘lost’ feeling too when they were around me and then left.

I felt bereft.

That is so weird. I think by the end of this thread we might have figured out a cure!!

Ah it's that weird mixture of near euphoria and then crushing disappointment! I want to get over it but also part of me doesn't. Especially as it's work related so makes you actually want to go to work. I do think being bored and stuck in a routine resonates with me too. But that won't change for me for some time because of family life. Mine is dating as he's looking for someone so I have the fear that he will actually find a GF..awful isn't it. He deserves a nice relationship.

@3luckystars Your post reminded me of the last time I saw him just before he moved. Up to that point he obviously knew I liked chatting to him and so on, but there had never been even a hint of flirtation between us.
But that day I know there was real affection on my face as I said goodbye. I don't know whether he noticed. As he has absolutely no interest in me that way, it's possible he didn't, though if anyone else had been present I'm sure they would have seen it written all over my face.
Oh dear, I'm meant to be trying to think about him less, aren't I, not more...

@Crushing25 Ah, yes, the rollercoaster of emotions. I'm like a giddy 14 year-old when I hear from him. It's absurd but also wonderful, until inevitable reality sinks in again.

I'm another one going through this so the thread is sounding v familiar. I'm early 50s and my work crush is way younger - I have worked with many guys the same age and never once got a crush but I started a new job, he said hello and that was all it took...! Luckily we don't work in the same team and our work doesn't cross over. I only see him one day a week in the office and a good day is if we get to chat. I could literally stare at him all day and I'm hyper aware if he is at his desk or not. I may sound delusional given the age gap but I know there's definitely some kind of sexual tension there which is awkward. It's also taking up too much headspace as I think about him out of work (careful not to look at socials though as I don't want him to see I've been looking him up but there are ways around this on google so I have been having a sneaky peak after a glass of two of wine which isn't helping me forget about it).

For me it's definitely relationship issues plus hormones and having more time on my hands with teenagers growing up. My friend said enjoy it but it is anything but - @TreesAtSea - definitely a rollercoaster of emotions here too.

It’s miserable. I don’t know how anyone could enjoy it.

My day went totally wrong.
Started off as usual underslept and intrusive thoughts.

Resolved to not contact him at all today - only to respond if he contacted me ( work).
Gave myself a good pep talk etc. felt relatively able to try and get a grip.

Had really good resolve and then he contacted me first thing. I didn't look or respond for a while because 1) I was annoyed that despite my efforts he was in my inbox and 2) I was back to back on calls.

Then in one of those calls somebody gave me some insider info on a restructure that affects us both. Good news in that he will no longer report to me. Bad news for me in that I am stuck in a wider team that I really cannot function in - whereas he and my other direct report are moving to a bit of the business I am desperate to move to ( we all are - it's to do with culture and ability to get shit done). I am fine with him not being so close to me at work - it would actually help massively.

However this news of being stuck in an awful has really upset me and he knows this. We spoke and he was lovely but I didn't stay on as was getting teary and embarrassed . Then we had loads of messages discussing it - me saying I might have to leave etc - him saying that he was feeling wobbly and upset too, would be gutted if I left but I should do what's right for me etc. just being kind and caring and saying positive things about me in work sense and that I should assert myself and not make any hasty decisions.

It's all confidential so not something I could lean on others for. I apologised repeatedly for leaning on him - lots of 'anytime' and 'don't be daft' and 'stop apologising' .

Gah .... such a fucking emotional rollercoaster.

Started the week with enjoying his company too much on a brief solo trip - just about pulling myself together and getting some resolve and determination for self control. Now this.

Worst thing of all is that I am taking all his attention and responsiveness and expressing that he doesn't want me to go as reciprocity - and it's making it worse.

Agony.

😢

missfliss oh no that sounds really really hard. Don't really have any advice I'm afraid as I'd be feeling the same.

I'd say 100% your crush would be a disappointment

Especially as you've built him up from what you see, which will not be who he is at home / IRL

As he's older there may well be PE and so forth.....🙄🫨

Try thinking along these lines 🙂