Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Guy asked me my religion within 15 mins of first date! Bin him?

306 replies

LaBrasseria2024 · 22/12/2024 23:49

Hi all,

Dipped my toe in OLD about a year ago. It's been a year lol. 32 female.

I went on a date with a guy a few weeks back.

Perhaps my post would be better in Craicnet (I'm N.I)

The guy asked me within 15 mins of the date if I was a particular religion ( his religion) obviously hoping that I was.

I just think it's a bit rude and a touchy subject in N.I, especially one a first date.

I wouldn't dream of asking someone this as I don't feel it's appropriate and it doesn't matter to me. I wasn't brought up like that!

I brushed it under the carpet as I wouldn't want an argument on the first date. Apart from that we got on and I found other things he said very funny.

We have texted quite a bit since, second date arranged, but I had to cancel due to being sick.

But it has played on my mind he felt it okay to ask me this. He is a 35 year old man and should know better, ffs!

Am I being oversensitive? Or should I throw this one back?

OP posts:
Toenailz · 23/12/2024 02:29

Religious tensions have existed far beyond and outside of NI for a very long time. Religion is important to people because for many, they feel it forms a fundamental part of who they are. It is also, (and this is key in precisely this instance) cultural, familial and geographical in the vast majority of cases.

It being a delicate topic because of history, is, to be honest, more the reason he should ask - it IS a delicate yet important topic. He has no idea your views, if you've not told him, so he must ask.

I can't see how you cannot understand that precisely because of the tensions, it would be very important, given the vast differences between people, their thoughts and ideas, and problems that have occurred, to find this out about someone you are dating. Perhaps he has done you a favour by ruling himself out.

Not wanting to date a religious, or not wanting to date a person of a particular faith, regardless of your heritage and religious tensions, is not bigotry.

I'm a steadfast atheist. I value my atheism and feel extremely strongly about it. I believe organised religion has been the veil for atrocities being committed throughout the world, and to control the masses. Therefore, I would not date a person of religion. Aside from the fact I could not ignore the intellectual incompatibility, either.

IF, and it's a very big IF, I were to consider a person of faith as a long term partner, it would largely depend on the faith. I would be more likely to choose a Christian partner, than a Muslim partner. The reason is perfectly valid - the cultural and familial aspects that I mentioned earlier. I am simply more likely to be able to relate to these aspects of the Christian faith than I would the Muslim faith.

It is never as simple as simply 'religion' - there's a whole load of baggage that come with it in the form of familial and cultural aspects that inevitably come into play. I speak from experience.

There's also zero point asking a board of people whom you know many of which will also not be in NI, and when you receive the answer you don't identify with, simply tell them they simply couldn't understand because they're not in NI. I think you're greatly undervaluing the intelligence and knowledge of a great number of women here. Mores the pity.

StrawberryDream24 · 23/12/2024 02:30

ForFunAmberDeer · 23/12/2024 02:26

I find this interesting because as a professional woman from a working class background I have been continually genuinely shocked by the level of ignorance and bigotry I have encountered in my work which is overwhelmingly from seemingly nice mc people. They actually are much more practised and frankly sinister as they have had every benefit of education and society and hold views under the nice surface that you wouldn't believe. I have more respect for someone who doesn't put on the pretence and is quite blatant about it. Ime it's actually much more common in the middle class.

I don't think bigotry is more common among the middle class than working class, but I agree that the middle class people who are bigoted are more likely to be disengenuous/sly about it.

StrawberryDream24 · 23/12/2024 02:37

There's also zero point asking a board of people whom you know many of which will also not be in NI, and when you receive the answer you don't identify with, simply tell them they simply couldn't understand because they're not in NI. I think you're greatly undervaluing the intelligence and knowledge of a great number of women here. Mores the pity.

The op should probably have posted this on craicnet, though I'm not sure about the foot-fall there.

Your post is just further demonstrating why she should have.

The op - entirely correctly - came to the conclusion through the thread that non NI people can't grasp what they need to, to give a relevant opinion on it.

There have been some truly obtuse, laughably so, and utterly ridiculous posts.

The only people really who've "got" it are the NI posters. Maybe one from Ireland.

It's impossible to understand this scenario without being raised here

Your point about other religious "tensions" (they're not actually truly/fully religious - the fact that you don't seem to grasp that illustrates further the fallacies in your post).....each one has it's own context, idiosyncrasies etc. They are complex and not handily comparable or groupable, not by a long shot.

ForFunAmberDeer · 23/12/2024 02:39

Toenailz · 23/12/2024 02:29

Religious tensions have existed far beyond and outside of NI for a very long time. Religion is important to people because for many, they feel it forms a fundamental part of who they are. It is also, (and this is key in precisely this instance) cultural, familial and geographical in the vast majority of cases.

It being a delicate topic because of history, is, to be honest, more the reason he should ask - it IS a delicate yet important topic. He has no idea your views, if you've not told him, so he must ask.

I can't see how you cannot understand that precisely because of the tensions, it would be very important, given the vast differences between people, their thoughts and ideas, and problems that have occurred, to find this out about someone you are dating. Perhaps he has done you a favour by ruling himself out.

Not wanting to date a religious, or not wanting to date a person of a particular faith, regardless of your heritage and religious tensions, is not bigotry.

I'm a steadfast atheist. I value my atheism and feel extremely strongly about it. I believe organised religion has been the veil for atrocities being committed throughout the world, and to control the masses. Therefore, I would not date a person of religion. Aside from the fact I could not ignore the intellectual incompatibility, either.

IF, and it's a very big IF, I were to consider a person of faith as a long term partner, it would largely depend on the faith. I would be more likely to choose a Christian partner, than a Muslim partner. The reason is perfectly valid - the cultural and familial aspects that I mentioned earlier. I am simply more likely to be able to relate to these aspects of the Christian faith than I would the Muslim faith.

It is never as simple as simply 'religion' - there's a whole load of baggage that come with it in the form of familial and cultural aspects that inevitably come into play. I speak from experience.

There's also zero point asking a board of people whom you know many of which will also not be in NI, and when you receive the answer you don't identify with, simply tell them they simply couldn't understand because they're not in NI. I think you're greatly undervaluing the intelligence and knowledge of a great number of women here. Mores the pity.

But most of it completely misses the point unfortunately so she is entirely right to disregard it.

ForFunAmberDeer · 23/12/2024 02:41

StrawberryDream24 · 23/12/2024 02:30

I don't think bigotry is more common among the middle class than working class, but I agree that the middle class people who are bigoted are more likely to be disengenuous/sly about it.

We'll have to agree to disagree on that one, there is a shocking problem with mc bigotry in NI which is rarely addressed, but that's another story!

StrawberryDream24 · 23/12/2024 02:41

Not wanting to date a religious, or not wanting to date a person of a particular faith, regardless of your heritage and religious tensions, is not bigotry.

In the context of NI, incorrect.

StrawberryDream24 · 23/12/2024 02:44

IF, and it's a very big IF, I were to consider a person of faith as a long term partner, it would largely depend on the faith. I would be more likely to choose a Christian partner, than a Muslim partner. The reason is perfectly valid - the cultural and familial aspects that I mentioned earlier. I am simply more likely to be able to relate to these aspects of the Christian faith than I would the Muslim faith.

Entirely different thread, in entirely different ball park, on entirely different continent..... Etc etc.

Might be an interesting thread, but it's not this thread.

LaBrasseria2024 · 23/12/2024 02:58

@ForFunAmberDeer - I would really like to ask him, but at the same time it was two weeks ago! So he will wonder why I didn't bring it up there and then (I just didn't want an argument in a bar in front of people)

I also think he would potentially brush it off as a 'joke' or 'just messing' when really I think it was anything but that!

OP posts:
LaBrasseria2024 · 23/12/2024 03:01

@Toenailz - but they don't understand, because they are not from NI lol....and some of these posts have really lacked in intelligence and knowledge, so no I'm not missing out on intelligence and knowledge!

I should have posted on Craicnet perhaps in hindsight but wasn't sure if the thread would get viewed/noticed as much!

OP posts:
Toenailz · 23/12/2024 03:01

StrawberryDream24 · 23/12/2024 02:41

Not wanting to date a religious, or not wanting to date a person of a particular faith, regardless of your heritage and religious tensions, is not bigotry.

In the context of NI, incorrect.

Why don't you educate all of us who disagree, then?

The answer of 'assuming you're not in NI' isn't really good enough.

Toenailz · 23/12/2024 03:02

LaBrasseria2024 · 23/12/2024 03:01

@Toenailz - but they don't understand, because they are not from NI lol....and some of these posts have really lacked in intelligence and knowledge, so no I'm not missing out on intelligence and knowledge!

I should have posted on Craicnet perhaps in hindsight but wasn't sure if the thread would get viewed/noticed as much!

Yes. If that's how you feel about the posters here, then you really should have.

LaBrasseria2024 · 23/12/2024 03:03

@Toenailz - and you shouldn't be making uneducated comments on a country you clearly know nothing about lol

OP posts:
shuggles · 23/12/2024 03:05

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 22/12/2024 23:52

I don’t see the problem?

People want someone who shares their views, surely?

It’s like a left-winger finding out their date is a UKipper. Disappointing.

Most people are not so dull and boring so as to select romantic partners on the basis of political perspectives.

Toenailz · 23/12/2024 03:07

shuggles · 23/12/2024 03:05

Most people are not so dull and boring so as to select romantic partners on the basis of political perspectives.

That's very much inaccurate.

shuggles · 23/12/2024 03:08

Toenailz · 23/12/2024 03:07

That's very much inaccurate.

Sorry, you're right. The world is indeed full of dull and boring people.

I'm a normal person who would select a romantic partner on the basis of their compassion, character, and heart. Not politics.

SD1978 · 23/12/2024 03:09

Given its NI- id assume for some it's a pretty important question- I don't see it as rude if it's a no for you to co to ur the tattoo shop based of religion. Many would

Toenailz · 23/12/2024 03:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LaBrasseria2024 · 23/12/2024 03:10

@toenailz- I posted in relationships, not AIBU.

The guy made a rude comment about the area I live...why is that okay?

You just don't understand, you don't live here

OP posts:
Toenailz · 23/12/2024 03:11

shuggles · 23/12/2024 03:08

Sorry, you're right. The world is indeed full of dull and boring people.

I'm a normal person who would select a romantic partner on the basis of their compassion, character, and heart. Not politics.

Then you're a bit of a daftie and need a bit more life experience.

'Heart' indeed.

Toenailz · 23/12/2024 03:13

LaBrasseria2024 · 23/12/2024 03:10

@toenailz- I posted in relationships, not AIBU.

The guy made a rude comment about the area I live...why is that okay?

You just don't understand, you don't live here

No, the basis of your post was that you were put off he asked you this question with the 15 mins.

The comment about the area you live in was secondary in your list of peeves.

The latter - not acceptable, and I'd not want to date either as it's obvious of undertones of attitudes.

The first, was fine. You don't think it was - that's also fine.

LaBrasseria2024 · 23/12/2024 03:18

@Toenailz - I clearly stated in my first post about the comment he made about where I live! It wasn't secondary at all, but words/sentences have to go after each other, it's all part of the one post though.

It shows your complete lack of awareness on these issues if still think I am at fault

OP posts:
Incompleteshock · 23/12/2024 03:21

I’m from the north too OP but I think you’re being a bit naive. It just makes life a lot easier to date someone from the same background for some people and it clearly doesn’t bother him what religion you are if the date went well apart from that. I usually try and get a steer on what religion people are so that I don’t offend anyone so it’s actually to try and be nice rather than to be a bigot

LaBrasseria2024 · 23/12/2024 03:23

@Incompleteshock - I think it's completely rude though to ask in the way that he did....and to then make a comment about where I lived in relation to that, so he certainly wasn't worried about offending me

OP posts:
Incompleteshock · 23/12/2024 03:32

but @LaBrasseria2024 are you sure he wasn’t trying to be funny? Our humour as I’m sure you know can revolve a lot around religion/background. I’m surmising given the rest of the date went well maybe he was nervous?

WishinAndHopin · 23/12/2024 03:34

Even if it's a sensitive subject, if he would much prefer a person of his own religion he's not wrong for asking about it. He's being straightforward and saving time.

Edit - hadn't read the whole thread. If you've experienced him to be rude regarding the area you live or him making assumptions about your religion, perhaps he's not for you.